============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-01-26-jason-arrow ============================================================== [7/30/2026 9:40 PM] .jaggedarrow Hey everyone, this was the second short story I wrote on Substack! For background, this takes place during events in my *second* novel, from a different persons perspective, so I like playing around with nonsense like that. It’s about a longer read cause it’s a short story just fyi 15-18 minutes 🙂 enjoy! [7/30/2026 9:40 PM] .jaggedarrow https://thesovereignarchives.substack.com/p/pole-position-part-one?r=7nmvlp {Embed} https://thesovereignarchives.substack.com/p/pole-position-part-one?r=7nmvlp Pole Position: Part One The exciting, high-stakes world of Kyte Racing awaits, but for Wes Kovax... it's just as dangerous off the track! https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/k6ALVPOGhevOFPnL0Rac-VWvAza3GL_Uo271AQ9zYXU/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21c1G0%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F9a315bcb-ddb5-4909-a8be-d3aa018bde97_1920x1080.jpeg {Reactions} ❤️ [7/30/2026 10:42 PM] gonzpaoli Ooohhh I've been meaning to read this! Glad I'm being forced to for Write Club now lol [7/30/2026 10:43 PM] gonzpaoli The illustration + title give me a mix of F-Zero and Pod racing vibes 😀 {Reactions} 💯 [7/30/2026 11:39 PM] .jaggedarrow The designer makes some cool wallpapers! Yes heavily inspired by pod racing and almost every racing game ive ever played haha {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [7/30/2026 11:49 PM] gonzpaoli Very reminiscent of Ralph MacQuarrie's work too. I love it! [8/1/2026 5:33 AM] shikanokoshitantan {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1525189906186375268/1533044981869187132/01D59CE4-7EA2-4C7E-96EB-6CC41F7257E8.png?ex=6ab8e2e6&is=6ab79166&hm=c72a5960918919b423cbba0c2070a7093a816b1704577b55582755b8b0054c4e& {Reactions} 🔥 ❤️ [8/1/2026 5:33 AM] shikanokoshitantan Catch you tomorrow [8/1/2026 6:04 PM] erisindex For a second... I thought I read the wrong article. [8/1/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/mha-20 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/mha-20 MHA: Present Mic & Aizawa's Studio Moment https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/aEmFDxKJK02_Tt2X2pdnwjCk8zv1W-p7EdCLuz5e3Vc/https/static.klipy.com/ii/84b4c0b02782dda9051003f9e36484ec/98/69/ZvTY97vx.webp {Reactions} 🦾 [8/1/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat https://klipy.com/gifs/space-dandy-anime-2 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/space-dandy-anime-2 Space Dandy: Cool Anime Character with Sunglasses https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/i7f-XxJbKl7vXHIjqsJ4aaBwZb3I58Jg_ZXtaTTRwY8/https/static.klipy.com/ii/39f2394ae36df6e199be9eb7c9fa1012/c4/36/rBg4LKnS.webp [8/1/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst Present Mic is perfect for tonight's story! 🙂 [8/1/2026 7:02 PM] .jaggedarrow Also feel free to GO FOR IT, Critique wise 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst Welcome to Write Club one and all. If you are new to the big show, here is the Chat Format! {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1525189906186375268/1533248523456217260/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f7b6&is=6ab7a636&hm=cff7fd9d0d8ec5d6c6c3db7266992dcce6ee0cb0869274ab7cb3bb842480074b& [8/1/2026 7:02 PM] shikanokoshitantan https://klipy.com/gifs/driving-redline {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/driving-redline James Punkhead: Redline Race https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/dFGfwKRtE6vz13pOspKg-_EMQhFOqr-A0-JTznJyZ6g/https/static.klipy.com/ii/8ce8357c78ea940b9c2015daf05ce1a5/57/dc/8wrw5A0q.webp [8/1/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex https://klipy.com/gifs/star-wars-episode-i-racer {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/star-wars-episode-i-racer Star Wars Episode I Racer https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/YBY5uyPqXCnhGdrnerI6PBgAyVaHl8d5d19m5PaFMl0/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e1b92bb53e0c9e442408bc677a56c789/72/6d/5iO3d6tJdaZefeJL31p.webp {Reactions} 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:02 PM] .jaggedarrow DO I join the voice channel or are we not doing that anymore? haha [8/1/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst Okay the author already asked for Black Diamond critique! [8/1/2026 7:03 PM] .jaggedarrow If theres a level up from that... feel free [8/1/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst We aren't doing voice tonight -- that has to be prepared for in advance. {Reactions} 👍 (2) 👍🏼 (2) [8/1/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst Okay if you are new here - when you are ready to provide feedback, raise your hand like this: 👋 [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst for all you veterans -- go ahead and get in que [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] somedesertrat ✋ {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] thegalacticwriter 👋🏼 {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] shikanokoshitantan ✋ {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst @Eris Index GO! [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 ✋ {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex Favorite lines: “19 degrees?! Okay, that’s going up,” I said as I raised it to a more acceptable level. 19 degrees? This had me giggling at the normalcy in this line. A fun character moment, and so very simple. [8/1/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex “I would have thought your own wife would be the most beautiful woman in the Empire to you?” I stated, staring him down. This line was a winner for me. Yep. He’s cool. I’ve decided {Reactions} ❤️‍🔥 ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:05 PM] vaelinshadowbloom ✋ 🤚 (me and Josh) {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:05 PM] snowpuppie 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:05 PM] erisindex I glanced down and unfolded the note with extreme care, having encountered very little paper in my time. I had heard it was extremely fragile, from Elizabeth of course, and would rather not embarrass myself, or her, any further. Can I just say, this guy's personality is freaking awesome. Also, I cannot stand this Elizabeth chick. Pretty sure this is the author’s intention, so great job with that. {Reactions} 💯 (4) [8/1/2026 7:05 PM] erisindex Favorite scene: I swung at him. Clipping his jaw. I wish we could have expanded on this fight a bit, but that’s just my violent tendencies speaking. This was absolutely my favorite scene. {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:05 PM] erisindex And this one: Instead, scrawled in large handwriting on a crumpled up piece of torn paper, loomed three harrowing words no racer wants to read before stepping onto the track. DO NOT RACE! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] erisindex Crit: Normally she had a more casual way of walking, more of a bounce to her step, but not now? Is this supposed to be a question? I’m not sure. I think it should either be “but not now.” or ”but now?” As written, it jumbled me up a bit and tossed me out of the story momentarily. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] erisindex Overall, I really enjoyed this more than I thought I would. Take The Phantom Menace podrace, mix it with Speed Racer, and throw in a dash of Redline. It's giving me all of those vibes. OH--and Wreck-It Ralph, which is honestly one of my favorite movies of all time. Maybe some Mario Kart, and, of course, Star Wars: Episode 1 – Racer from 1999. I enjoyed all of them, and this story gives me that same feeling. {Reactions} 👍 (2) 💯 (3) [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] erisindex Question: What was the biggest inspiration for this story? And was Elizabeth inspired by anyone or anything in particular? {Reactions} ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] erisindex DONE [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] shikanokoshitantan Someone mentioned redline! {Reactions} 🤣 (2) 😆 (2) [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst @Carl Price GO! [8/1/2026 7:06 PM] somedesertrat General Feedback: The drip-feed of world-building was very well managed, readers that are unfamiliar with the setting (like me) wouldn't be overwhelmed by the exotic terms. Using Grey and Yugo (the announcers) to give the info-dump of the setting was an expected, and welcomed, technique. {Reactions} 👍 (3) [8/1/2026 7:07 PM] somedesertrat Fave Scene: Others might not like it so much, but Wes's pre-race mapping was my favorite scene. Even though it might seem info-dumpy, it helps map out beforehand what the readers might expect, potentially leaving them waiting for a payoff in encounters with the other racers. It's also pretty damn accurate to what professional drivers and racers do. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🏎️ [8/1/2026 7:07 PM] somedesertrat Fave Line: *“Anxiety is uncertainty beyond the now. Fear is false evidence appearing real,” I murmured, reciting the mantras of the greats before me, breathing with each line. “Somewhere, a version of me has already won this race.”* Prior to this, Wes seemed like an absolute fish out of water, but this part to me feels like the turning point where he's putting his game face on. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 💯 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:07 PM] somedesertrat Constructive Criticism: I would suggest maybe leaning a little bit more into Wes's pre-race anxiety, especially in the moments prior to Rea interrupting Elizabeth's imitation of a succubus. Question: None. DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🤣 🦾 [8/1/2026 7:09 PM] starcryst @The Galactic Writer GO! [8/1/2026 7:09 PM] thegalacticwriter Hi! Jason! “Elizabeth was vivacious and dangerously convincing, able to get almost anything, and anyone, just with a glance. While, of course, she was unbelievably attractive, it was more her spirit that did the heavy lifting. Her energy was intoxicating, and when she used it in her favour, it was impossible to resist. Even the most powerful men, and women, crumbled at her feet. So, yes… there was one other thing about her that threatened me. Her control.” I enjoyed the way you described her—I could feel her sexual power and confidence in the words. Nicely worded. “The holding area was one of the most intense parts of the race; it was more of a psychological contest, a race before the race. A race I was already losing, walking in alone.” Powerful way to express both remorse and confidence waning. “trying to focus before my minor gripe morphed into crippling anxiety.” Loved this phrasing. “Somewhere, a version of me has already won this race.” Reminding us that we can be powerful in any moment and rise above anxiety. “Thaddeus pushed in closer; I could almost smell the breath blowing off his pristinely manufactured smile.” Enjoyed this phrasing as well. Well done! (DONE) {Reactions} 👍 (4) ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:09 PM] starcryst @彼鹿🫎 GO! [8/1/2026 7:09 PM] .jaggedarrow Biggest inspiration Star Wars MOST DEFINITELY haha I wanted to create sport in my sci0fi setting so racing felt appropriate. Elizabeth, no not really, she's actually meant to be the kinder of the Imperials but I'm glad she doesn't entirely read like that {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/1/2026 7:10 PM] shikanokoshitantan Donezo [8/1/2026 7:10 PM] shikanokoshitantan MFavourite part: “Five felt generous in that moment. Maybe two.” That line genuinely made me laugh. It tells me so much about Wes in so few words—his dry humour, his self-awareness, and how his internal monologue cuts through the tension. I also really enjoyed his pre-race anxiety. The combination of the hangover, waiting around, the commentator getting under his skin, and trying to rehearse a victory speech before the race made him feel very human. It was probably the strongest aspect of the opening for me. Critique: The formatting unfortunately made it quite difficult to read. I ended up switching to audio halfway through because I found myself losing my place. Once I was listening instead of reading, I enjoyed the story much more. I think a cleaner presentation with shorter paragraphs and more breathing room would make the opening far easier to digest. Question: Was Elizabeth intentionally written as a femme fatale or more of a villainous/manipulative partner? I couldn’t quite get a read on her. Some of her dialogue came across as genuinely supportive, while other moments felt controlling or emotionally distant, so I wasn’t sure whether that ambiguity was intentional or if she’ll become clearer later in the story. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 💯 (2) [8/1/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex I thought we were ditching the crazy succubus for the nice little assistant. Fingers crossed. {Reactions} 👍 💯 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst @lauriemacNorCal GO! [8/1/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite line: I regretfully pushed myself off the wall and away from my partner-turned-succubus {Reactions} 🤣 [8/1/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite moment: Self-talk ritual: “Anxiety is uncertainty beyond the now. Fear is false evidence appearing real,” I murmured, reciting the mantras of the greats before me, breathing with each line. “Somewhere, a version of me has already won this race.” {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/1/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Small Criticism: The repetitive mention of the light issue started wearing on me. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 General feedback: Loved it! I like how you wove multiple issues into what could have been a very straightforward story. Question: Where did the idea for this story come from? (done) [8/1/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst @Kris Buckel GO! [8/1/2026 7:13 PM] shikanokoshitantan I’m sorry, I had this line as my critique in the first go and realised it wasn’t very nice so I used ChatGPT to reformat it… {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1525189906186375268/1533251413692514505/IMG_1837.png?ex=6ab8fa67&is=6ab7a8e7&hm=424c2424a9601976e9cac6aaf5b8f7fb70687d4f9aeab1c67cfccd0512adf852& {Reactions} 🤣 ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:13 PM] .jaggedarrow thank you regarding the formatting, still trying to figure out the best layout on Substack so if anyone has any tips on how to make it more manuscript standard haha Elizabeth is just Imperial, she's actually the more... palatable of them. SHe does love him but she also understands how risky it is to be with someone lower than her station and is DESPERATELY trying to brushing him up asap {Reactions} 👍 (2) 🦐 💗 [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] vaelinshadowbloom Me - Quote - “If… when… you win. Please shave. Before your speech. The Emperor will coalesce in the victory lounge, I am almost certain.” Scene - “You are Wes Kovax, rising star of K1, and I am Elizabeth Montawk, incapable of giving a single fuck…” made me laugh. Critique - there's a lot of story packed into not as much text. I would maybe break this up into two, just because it goes through SO MUCH so quickly? {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] vaelinshadowbloom @Joshua Bader Favorite Line: It was difficult to articulate that to people. Only a madman hellbent on career suicide would complain about a fan. Favorite Scene: Him rehearsing his victory speech and the way it brings us into awareness of his language issues. Criticism: Its too long for Substack. I think you've got two chapters here. And the formatting is problematic… three subscribe buttons with two of them breaking up the flow. And four buttons at the end is just too many. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] vaelinshadowbloom DONE [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] t_r3xxx Sorry I'm late! {Reactions} ❤️ 👋 [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] t_r3xxx 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst @Lisa N Snowe GO! [8/1/2026 7:14 PM] snowpuppie Favorite line(s): "The holding area was one of the most intense parts of the race; it was more of a psychological contest, a race before the race. A race I was already losing, walking in alone." I felt like this not only did a good job communicating the stress, anxiety and isolation Wes was feeling because of the upcoming race, but also it felt like an appropriate descriptor of how he felt about other parts of his life (with Elizabeth, with his lack of a crew, etc). {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 💯 [8/1/2026 7:15 PM] msadventurouspurple 👋 {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/1/2026 7:15 PM] .jaggedarrow Star Wars haha huge inspiration but this is actually an event that happens in the second book but in the second book its from a different perspective 🙂 {Reactions} 👍 (2) ❤️ 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:15 PM] snowpuppie Favorite scene: When Wes meets Ulder. She was well written, the scene was well-paced, and I could visualize the action very easily. It flowed naturally. I laughed when he mentally moved himself back up a few notches in his mental "intimidation race." {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 💯 🔥 🍻 ❤️‍🔥 [8/1/2026 7:15 PM] snowpuppie And you asked for me not to be gentle, so ... 😉 Critique: You have an interesting story here: you've created palpable tension and anxiety in Wes prior to his race, introduced a number of very interesting characters, and given us a sense of the Empire's societal expectations. However, thre are some formatting issues, and it is a little heavier in exposition and description. A couple of the passages work against each other and slow the reader down, instead of contributing to narrative elements like action, pacing, or character development. The story might flow better for the reader if it were trimmed down in places? {Reactions} 💯 (4) ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:16 PM] snowpuppie Question for the author: What made you want to write a sci-fi series that involved racing? (I think you have answered this numerous tims already, basically). 🙂 [8/1/2026 7:16 PM] snowpuppie DONE [8/1/2026 7:16 PM] shikanokoshitantan I’ll read the rest of the story on audio to learn to appreciate her better [8/1/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst @terence GO! [8/1/2026 7:17 PM] .jaggedarrow Thank you for the feedback! Star Wars mostly but I really like the idea of trying to develop popular culture in sci-fi cause you don't really see it all that often. Sport, gambling, etc. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:17 PM] t_r3xxx Favorite line: People never respect others for their talent alone, its how they're perceived that does most of the work... [8/1/2026 7:18 PM] t_r3xxx I like that you frame the story around a flawed, insecure and at times hysterical protagonist. That's always entertaining for me. Most of the worldbuilding elements are introduced naturally through dialogue and observation instead of long info dumps. And I like the conceit of setting a sci fi story in the world of racing -- it adds compelling elements of sport, competition, and the psychology of athletes into a distinct setting. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) 💯 [8/1/2026 7:18 PM] t_r3xxx Notes: I felt like you piled onto Wes' anxiety a little too much in this chapter. I know it's a big race for him, but at some point it felt like he was too fragile to have even gotten this far in the sport. {Reactions} 💯 (4) ❤️ 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:18 PM] t_r3xxx I love the idea that Wes is speaking a second language -- it adds to the challenges he must face -- but I would work on making his dialogue more consistent. Sometimes he struggles with a word and at other points his dialogue seems fluent. My pitch would be to play around more with making his phrasings more distinct in ways that non-native speakers often do (bad example: instead of “Elizabeth. Yes, she is remarkable,” its “Elizabeth. Yes, she is the light in my eyes,”) {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:19 PM] t_r3xxx Its a very compelling start! I feel if you pull back on some of internal narration that would amplify the escalating tension and drive (pun!!) the story forward more. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 💯 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:19 PM] kotaotan 👋 [8/1/2026 7:19 PM] t_r3xxx DONE ✊🏾 [8/1/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst @TheFictionForager GO! [8/1/2026 7:20 PM] gonzpaoli *Runs in panting, sweating* I'm here!! 😂 ✋🏼 {Reactions} 🤣 (4) 👋 (2) [8/1/2026 7:20 PM] msadventurouspurple Favorite line: “So, yes… there was one other thing about her that threatened me. Her control.” {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/1/2026 7:20 PM] ssroyal3467 It was a great story hard to choose my exact favorite sentence I actually drawed the same conclusion that I think she is with the emperor or at least not fully with him. I don't know why that's just how I felt but overall it is a good story Sorry I haven't been here. I've been working around 7:00 well and when I'm not working I'm trying to catch up on arcs which reminds me I need to get back to that Done {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:20 PM] msadventurouspurple Favorite part is the ending when we get the “Do not race note” - I think this intrigued me more than anything. {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 (2) 💯 [8/1/2026 7:21 PM] msadventurouspurple Great world building & character dynamics. Love how you show the language divide in a way that was easy to follow as a reader {Reactions} 👍 (3) 💯 [8/1/2026 7:21 PM] msadventurouspurple Critique: The story feels a little repetitive at times. The elite/lowborn dynamic is common enough that I don’t think you need to emphasize it as much as you do to get your point across. You have some great moments that *show this dynamic - you don’t need to tell us that it exists as well. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 👍 💯 (2) [8/1/2026 7:22 PM] msadventurouspurple Question: Does the main character from your second novel appear in this short story? [8/1/2026 7:22 PM] msadventurouspurple DONE [8/1/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst @Kevin Prime GO! [8/1/2026 7:24 PM] kotaotan I don't have a favorite line, but everything about this grabbed me. It's the kind of story that puts me with a character that I immediately want to stick with and know. Friggin amazing and no notes. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 😲 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:24 PM] .jaggedarrow Glad you asked haha no the novel revolves around a totally different person. SO the story tends to happen between two character POV's. In the first novel its the MC and the Emperor. Second one is MC and tossing up between two characters here, not sure which one yet. Possibly Elizabeth and one other, that appears in Part Three (flashbacks to the party the night before) {Reactions} ❤️ [8/1/2026 7:25 PM] kotaotan It's what I call Waldenbooks-Core. The kind of thing you discover alone in a bookstore and it becomes a favorite. DONE! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/1/2026 7:25 PM] .jaggedarrow Wow thank you! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:25 PM] snowpuppie Does Waldenbooks still exist? 😆 [8/1/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst okay did I miss anyone? Any shy people want to step up and say something? [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] gonzpaoli Me me [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] kotaotan Nope. Just as a vibe. 🤣 {Reactions} 🤣 (5) [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] gonzpaoli ✋🏼 [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst @Gonz GO! [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] gonzpaoli Hey Jason! Ok here we go [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] gonzpaoli **Favourite moment:** > *“DO NOT RACE!”* But more than the note itself, it was the collision between the warning and the realization of what happened at the party. You immediately put it together and think: *Crap. He's in trouble.* The emperor very likely has it out for him, and something about this race may be rigged to kill him. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (3) [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] gonzpaoli **Favourite line:** > “We would need more than five minutes.” LOL! {Reactions} 🤣 (5) [8/1/2026 7:26 PM] gonzpaoli **Criticism:** The title and illustration don't just sell a genre; they sell the expectation of a race—something fast, dangerous and adrenaline-driven. But the opening focuses entirely on his hangover, political concerns and personal situation. Think of a James Bond movie: it still needs to establish politics, character and plot, but it usually opens with a chase, explosion or heist to promise the audience, *Yes, the fun stuff is coming.* You could start in medias res during the race, with him navigating turns, plains and crevasses while the personal and political setup runs through his head, then cut back to twelve hours earlier—or intercut the race with those earlier events until both timelines meet at the warning and whatever goes wrong. You don't necessarily need that exact structure, but give us a taste of the “fun and games” early, then use the quieter material to build toward the real race. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) [8/1/2026 7:27 PM] gonzpaoli **General Thoughts** All in all, I'm very excited to see what happens in this race—especially after that note. I can't wait to see how Part Two turns out! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:27 PM] gonzpaoli **DONE** 😀 [8/1/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst Okay raise your hand if you'd like to go and I'll get you in after I go. [8/1/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst General feedback - an exciting story with a likeable protag and rich supporting cast that feel like its going places. Nice work. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 💯 (2) [8/1/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst Best line: Five felt generous in that moment. _Maybe_ two. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🤣 (5) [8/1/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst Best scene The strongest scene is when Wes enters the holding area and realizes that the other racers have been wearing blindfolds to adapt their vision to Sovereign’s dimmer sunlight, through his inspection of the course, his confrontation with Thaddeus, the punch, and the final warning: DO NOT RACE! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/1/2026 7:29 PM] shikanokoshitantan I’m sad now that Kovax isn’t the MC [8/1/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst The scene gives us a ton of exposition on Wes in quick succession: -outsider -talented driver -insecure social climber -analytical racer -jealous partner -volatile young man -possible target of a conspiracy {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/1/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst His internal “intimidation race” is particularly good because its so unique! Ranking himself twelfth, then eighteenth, then perhaps fifteenth turns his status anxiety into a concrete mental habit. It is funny, but it also reveals how compulsively he measures himself against others {Reactions} thinksmart1 (3) ❤️ (5) 💯 [8/1/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst Critique: I would remove a lot of the adjectives and adverbs from the piece. This is about a race and I'd like the prose to be more propulsive and move forward faster and without embellishment. I feel like Wes is a no-frills guy whose all about getting to the point of things -- so the heavy use of descriptive modifiers fights with that. I think you can cut 15 - 20% of the prose without changing the story or losing the characters and you'd concentrate all the best stuff into a tighter read. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 💯 (5) [8/1/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst Think of the story like a race car -- lose the unecessary weight and the stuff that fucks with aerodynamics and it will WIN more {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (2) 👆 (2) [8/1/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst DONE [8/1/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst ANYONE ELSE want to GO! [8/1/2026 7:32 PM] shikanokoshitantan More of a question! {Reactions} 👍 [8/1/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst @JaggedARROW Anything you want to share with the room before this race ends? [8/1/2026 7:32 PM] shikanokoshitantan Can we please have a wiki of characters? {Reactions} 👍 💯 ❤️ (2) [8/1/2026 7:32 PM] .jaggedarrow Yeah I can do that! {Reactions} 🔥 [8/1/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst @JaggedARROW Any final words? [8/1/2026 7:33 PM] .jaggedarrow Thank you all SO MUCH! I'm getting the vibe I can actually cut back on the prose haha thank GOD and formatting for Substack needs a look in still, if you know any great examples of good fiction formatting on substack please let me know! Can be your own work too! Thank you again! {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 🔥 (5) 👏 (4) ❤️‍🔥 (3) 🏎️ (5) 🏁 (3) 🚀 (3) [8/1/2026 7:34 PM] starcryst That's a WRAP for Write Club this evening! Thank you all for sharing your most precious resource, your TIME with us tonight. I know @JaggedARROW appreciates it. See you all in the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self-promotion! {Reactions} 🔥 (4) 🤣 (2) [8/1/2026 7:36 PM] gonzpaoli Well, I mean... not to say "write like me", but I had literally the opposite feedback on this point; I describe almost nothing and then just GO 😂 {Reactions} 🤣 [8/1/2026 8:56 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 Ok here are my thoughts- take what works for you 👍🏻 I enjoyed being dropped into a fully realized world. The racing culture, the sense of scale, and the political hierarchy all feel like they exist beyond the page, which gives the setting a strong foundation, and I love it when I sense that. Wes's pre-race anxiety also came through clearly and gave me a good sense of who he is before the race even begins The opening with the hands cramping is a genuine hook — physical dread as emotional dread, that's craft. The Elizabeth scenes work. She has presence — "claim your power" and the whole wall scene, that's charged and it's earned. Thaddeus as the class-warfare villain lands exactly as intended, the "you are not one of us" beat is crisp and mean in the right way. The note ending is a solid cliffhanger. And the mantra line — "somewhere, a version of me has already won this race" — that's a keeper. [8/1/2026 9:00 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 My critique- For me, this opening felt a little information-heavy. There are a lot of names, organizations, and worldbuilding details introduced in a short space, and I occasionally found it difficult to know which information I should be holding onto as a reader... I was trying to keep track and I think I did a pretty good job, but maybe slowly introducing it through out the story? I think slowing down and focusing on the details most important to this scene would make the opening easier to settle into... and I get the urge to kind of just.. tell everything first, which I do too. I then go back and think.. how would you do it if you were talkgin to someone? sometimes using dialogue can be helpful--introduces things you need to tell the reader but in a human way. The ending, of course, is gold. Great way to keep us wondering what is going on..also The pacing tightens considerably once Wes gets into the holding area and starts interacting with the other racers. That's where I stopped feeling like I was being introduced to the world and started feeling like I was inside a story. Overall, I was engaged and that is gold for me. Like I said before, the ending is perfect. Great work overall! ❤️ {Reactions} ❤️ (2) ============================================================== Exported 130 message(s) ==============================================================