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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-02-26-marcello-lori
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[7/31/2026 4:22 PM] mars_95827
https://marcelloiori.substack.com/p/not-a-world-for-humans

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https://marcelloiori.substack.com/p/not-a-world-for-humans
Not a World for Humans
Humans vs. Titans — a sci-fi short story of resilience and survival.
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/7eZhcvNYOeHr-fid-1yx3Fl1Mcz3Djy2sTMLwts17Kk/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21b8AZ%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fmarcelloiori.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F197085795%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4

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[8/2/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74

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https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74
My Hero Academia: Present Mic's Loud Quirk
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/th7VbMjxhdpOIFmvM-RBKhlisNyyZjbPHLsXrCxTtZI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e293a233a303a98e471f78d04e13a1b0/fa/6e/SXEVPl8o.webp

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[8/2/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
IT'S TIME FOR WRITE CLUB!

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[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] yamamoto6008
Still working on feedback


[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] yamamoto6008
But I'm here


[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] lcdouglass
Hello!


[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] yamamoto6008
Just finished a read

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[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat
https://klipy.com/gifs/precure-you-and-idol-16

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https://klipy.com/gifs/precure-you-and-idol-16
Precure You And Idol
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/p9wy10CaMOVZ72t8yJAqAHKqqH2bx7wh3Blld9-kv14/https/static.klipy.com/ii/2fd1ee858360694ebc7272832a866c2b/e3/6c/OZ2Y7xVze52slM3VWZWm.webp

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[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] xenonsteem
I'm rush reading. Lol


[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
Welcome everyone - if you new to Write Club, please check out the Chat Format:

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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1531789831443709952/1533611007635750943/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f7cd&is=6ab7a64d&hm=5a50db63777467cd9bc2850bef4fb26b0e780bf2c18022f1018f2d352d61170d&

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[8/2/2026 7:02 PM] mars_95827
😄 HI

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[8/2/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
@Marcello Iori what kind of critique do you want tonight? White Monkey or Grey Giant?

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[8/2/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst
@Marcello Iori did you fall back asleep? 😛


[8/2/2026 7:05 PM] mars_95827
very close 😪  ahaha


[8/2/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst
Gentle critique or Full on?


[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] mars_95827
Feel free to choose any demon in that desert.

full on, it's fine

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
Okay if you are ready to share your thoughts, please raise your hand!


[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] snowpuppie
👋

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] somedesertrat
# 👋

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
and remember when you are done, please say DONE


[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
👋

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] msadventurouspurple
👋

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] mars_95827
scary


[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
✋

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
@Lisa N Snowe GO!


[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
✋

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[8/2/2026 7:06 PM] snowpuppie
This really moves: action performs triple duty as descriptive narrative and plot builder, too. The first person narrative is engaging and intimate. His thoughts are measured, efficient: Their very rythym and arrangement are indicative of survival mode. I am entranced.

Favorite line (s): 

"We feed on sand, on war, and we make love as if no second chance would come." 
This set the entire timbre of the rest of the piece, with amazing depth and clarity.

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[8/2/2026 7:07 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite scene: When he rolls into the crevice and drops to the floor. You can feel his relief, his pain, his exhaustion as he slides down the chute into the depths and darkness. That whole passage was beautifully crafted, with great pacing and narrative.

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[8/2/2026 7:07 PM] snowpuppie
Critique: I think the only thing I didn't understand was why the giants only abducted women but killed everyone else? You eluded to the smell of women further on in this piece. Was their smell, perhaps a result of their reproductive biology, the reason? I think the story would have benefitted from a little more clarity on this topic, as it was truly the only "loose end" in my read. That being said, you may have done this on purpose to be revealed later on? It felt like an important distinction, so I a suspect the latter.

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[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie
Question for the author: Do you have plans for more? I have so many questions! XD


[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie
DONE


[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] xenonsteem
👋

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[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] starcryst
@Carl Price GO!


[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
General Feedback: There's a *lot* of detail thrown in this piece. It was well-written overall, but the amount of detail, especially in points where there was supposed to be tension, made the pacing feel off. I will say that I like the descriptions of the wildlife and giants--we get just enough description of them to picture something that is vaguely realistic, but also generally alien in nature.

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[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Line: *Because, you know, sand is the deadliest enemy; sooner or later, no matter how well you hide, it murders you.* Blame the deployments to far off third-world countries for this line jumping out to me.

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[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
Constructive Criticism: There's a couple of metaphors/similes that didn't land right on the first read, either because of the sentence structure that I'm used to (*ex: 'Hope has never wronged us, a word we abandoned long ago'* reads to me like 'us' was the word abandoned, instead of 'hope'), or the wrong mental image (*ex: 'Love, like sand...consumes like heat, a slow Calvary'* I'm having a hard time correlating Calvary to how love is like sand).


[8/2/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
Question: What was teh source of inspiration for the Giant's appearance?
DONE

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[8/2/2026 7:09 PM] starcryst
@VesperLRayne GO!


[8/2/2026 7:09 PM] yamamoto6008
👋

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[8/2/2026 7:09 PM] mars_95827
Yes, I see. It started as an idea, and I think yes, I would love to continue. I have the whole story in my mind. That's why I didn't want to tell everything, even though I said a lot there.

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[8/2/2026 7:10 PM] erisindex
I fell asleep, but am awake now... 👋

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[8/2/2026 7:10 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
hi hi so first, this [prose is GORGEOUS


[8/2/2026 7:10 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I found that reading it reminded me of reading something written in Spanish first? and this line we live dreaming, we die forgetting each other"  is gorgeous-

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[8/2/2026 7:11 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
the prose is gritty- which reminds me of the sand- its visceral in how evokes the actual feeling - and of course first person helps

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[8/2/2026 7:12 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
and I know you are Italian, so I think I just naturally gravitated to that prose- anyway, I was enthralled - I read it end to end and then read it again.. The worldbuilding through sensation is exceptional — you never feel lectured at. The prose texture genuinely mirrors the environment, which is a real achievement.

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[8/2/2026 7:13 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
my only critique is that some of the emotinal moments land a bit flatter? -but that could be on purpose for the story

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[8/2/2026 7:13 PM] lcdouglass
🖐️

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[8/2/2026 7:13 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
but I'd love to see more of this world- that is all DONE

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[8/2/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst
@TheFictionForager GO!


[8/2/2026 7:14 PM] msadventurouspurple
Favorite line: 

“I drool from the pain. I pant. I weep. But I move.”

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[8/2/2026 7:14 PM] msadventurouspurple
Intriguing world building, really like the environmental aspects & animal lore.

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[8/2/2026 7:15 PM] msadventurouspurple
Critique: you have a lot of poetic imagery and then every so often the tone takes a jarring shift to something conversational like “Anyway.” Took me out for a second. I would pick 1 tone & stick with it

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[8/2/2026 7:15 PM] msadventurouspurple
DONE


[8/2/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst
@lauriemacNorCal GO!


[8/2/2026 7:15 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite line: I Down there, by contrast, it rains every other day, and each drop can shear an arm clean off.

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[8/2/2026 7:15 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite moment: One of the hounds wakes me by licking my face.
“He’s here,” someone in my group shouts.

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[8/2/2026 7:16 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Criticism: I got tripped as a reader several times. For example. You describe his hand simply as bleeding, but later it appears the injury is quite serious and his hand is “at risk.”

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[8/2/2026 7:16 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
General feedback: This is an interesting premise for a story. I think with a few editorial tweaks, it could find a devoted audience.

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[8/2/2026 7:16 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Question: “We shatter, both of us” Who is we? He fell through the shaft alone, yes?
(done)

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[8/2/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
@Kris Buckel GO!


[8/2/2026 7:17 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
Quote - We live dreaming; we die forgetting each other, someone told me once, a long time ago.
Scene - After all the info about the giant and how dangerous this world was, when he stabbed it was 🔥 🔥 🔥
Critique - Seriously? That's how you ended? We don't get more???? The writing is compelling, I would like a little bit more detail on the characters, just to really understand this world. 
Question - What prompted this? I think you mostly answered that, but I am INVESTED. done

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[8/2/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
@Ian J Snow GO!


[8/2/2026 7:18 PM] xenonsteem
Ok. First time trying this.

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[8/2/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
First time caller, long time listener!

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[8/2/2026 7:18 PM] xenonsteem
Your opening was very much like epic poetry at first I was like what am I reading here, Homer?

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[8/2/2026 7:19 PM] xenonsteem
The whole thing was very atmospheric and kinetic it's set up a really good vibe with their being out of touch with everything else.

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[8/2/2026 7:19 PM] xenonsteem
I love the feeling of resilience that they didn't have a lot to work with but they made the best of it and just grit pushed through.

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[8/2/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst
ANY OTHER LURKERS wanna jump in here? Wave that Yellow Latex glove! Don't be shy.


[8/2/2026 7:20 PM] xenonsteem
Criticism: there was a whole lot of questions about why what were they doing what were they hoping for what were they trying to accomplish other than just survival.

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[8/2/2026 7:20 PM] xenonsteem
The transition from the opening to the first person close up was a little jarring as well.

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[8/2/2026 7:20 PM] xenonsteem
I would love to read more though good job. DONE


[8/2/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst
@Kostia Dmytriiev GO!

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[8/2/2026 7:20 PM] yamamoto6008
**Favorite line:** We live dreaming; we die forgetting each other.

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[8/2/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008
**Favorite scene:** Giant fight.

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[8/2/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008
**Criticism: **A good half of a piece was information about the world, animals, giants, climate and weather. Most of it did nothing for the story progression and could’ve been done with a few lines of what character experiences. For example, instead of thinking of the giants above him, character goes on telling that dead grass takes weeks to dry. Why does it matter? And, given extensive worldbuilding, why it takes weeks to dry in an extremely dry world?

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[8/2/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008
Story mostly progresses through statements. I feel that I do that, the scene is horrible. You may try do a bodily description instead. Like “Giant slammed … into the rock … Blood and brain splattered across the stone. I felt my insides were about to waste the precious morning water.” Adding worldbuilding between the lines can tell a lot with a few words.


[8/2/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008
Action starts really late into the piece, you may want to hook the reader earlier. You may think of starting with monkeys pathing by, people preparing for the giants, putting covers, boulders, dirt, and then move on to the giant fight.

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[8/2/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008
On the glass ocean, I assume it is glass rain that is razor-sharp, but it is unclear. But earlier we were talking about the season of water. Comparisons made me confused a bit.

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[8/2/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
Really good job of critique from a @Ian J Snow

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[8/2/2026 7:22 PM] yamamoto6008
Cyclopes without eyes. Cyclopes, I believe, refer specifically to one-eyed creatures. You may just stick with giants.

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[8/2/2026 7:22 PM] yamamoto6008
Only a century after crash-landing, but evolution already changed dogs. Isn’t it too quick?

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[8/2/2026 7:22 PM] yamamoto6008
Question: Any ideas to take the story further?


[8/2/2026 7:22 PM] yamamoto6008
Done


[8/2/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst
@𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 who did the promo art for tonight's story (thank you!): GO!

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[8/2/2026 7:23 PM] lcdouglass
🙂


[8/2/2026 7:23 PM] lcdouglass
Favourite line: "Our human brothers are up there somewhere, scattered across far-off bleak Earths, watching us without knowing, with no notion of the calamities that bind us, and we do not know them either, nor can we picture them." - i like the majestic tone - and sense that there are larger possibilities buried here.

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[8/2/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index - I missed your very little hand. So your next! 🙂

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[8/2/2026 7:23 PM] lcdouglass
Main comment - this piece starts a lot like Elfquest and Conan the Barbarian movie - a force majeure event forces the group to leave where they are. In both cases, the openings of those pieces start with a contextual picture before the violence shatters the society. The elder imparts knowledge or we have a sense of the tone of this group's lives.

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[8/2/2026 7:23 PM] lcdouglass
In conan, it opens with 'the secret of steel' speech which is really memorable and sets the stage. I think the death of Tullio gives you an opportunity to insert an opening prologue where Tullio is instructing the main character about wisdom; the spaceship they abandoned; whether there's a way across the desert. ..... Incidentally, you have that kind of set up in your other piece on substack, 'We must kill her before dawn.' The reader gets a solid sense of the character and the situation before the catalyst event occurs. - done

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[8/2/2026 7:24 PM] lcdouglass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tz2DknROaI8

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elvalle89
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tz2DknROaI8
Conan the Barbarian - The Secret of Steel HQ
DISCLAIMER: The Use Of Any Copyrighted Material Is Used Under The Guidelines Of "Fair Use" In Title 17 § 107 Of The United States Code. Such Material Remains The Copyright Of The Original Holder And Is Used Here For The Purposes Of Education, Comparison, And Criticism Only.


No one in this world can you trust, not men, not women, not beasts...
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/LxwYFgmQORKP1b-h-rCqUwytMb4O9W5HFLdK25WqZT8/https/i.ytimg.com/vi/tz2DknROaI8/hqdefault.jpg

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[8/2/2026 7:24 PM] lcdouglass
This is the scene I mean - which I'm sure most or all have seen

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[8/2/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index GO!


[8/2/2026 7:24 PM] erisindex
Often, the sand below and the sand above mix, giving rise to terrifying natural events — murderous whirlwinds. If you were caught in the middle, you would be torn to pieces. 

This gives such an awesome cinematic image. People being torn apart in sand tornadoes? I want so much more of this.

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[8/2/2026 7:25 PM] erisindex
The rocks are rich with water that circulates beneath the desert. There is water because we are close to the pole, and in the distance stands a mountain chain whose end we have never seen, nor its peak. Even when the sand thins, the human eye is not permitted to see it. 

Another densely cinematic sentence. And the images throughout the article and on top were really neat. The imagery alone makes me want to keep reading.

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[8/2/2026 7:25 PM] erisindex
Once without limbs, the tarantulas no longer control their glow and remain illuminated, as if their bellies were filled with all the stars in the sky. 

Prob my fav line in the entire thing. It’s beautiful and absolutely screwed up at the same time.

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[8/2/2026 7:25 PM] erisindex
Favorite scenes: 

The tarantula cave, yes. Hands down one of my faves, and some of the coolest worldbuilding scenes in this masterpiece. Women removing their limbs to use their bioluminescence is so specific! It makes this one hundred percent feel like a real place. Survival isn’t pretty here, either. 

And the giant fight leading into the under-above sand sandstorm. I think I worded that right. You have literally made the environment worse than any species in here, so kudos, because that is awesome. The giant is like, “nope, don’t think so, absolutely fucking not” when the storm gets there.

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[8/2/2026 7:26 PM] erisindex
Criticism: Your worldbuilding is five stars, but sometimes you’re not giving us enough time to digest it before moving to the next thing. I want to sit inside of these moments a little longer and fully absorb them.


[8/2/2026 7:26 PM] erisindex
Overall? LOVED this. The video in the beginning sets it up to be stellar, and the writing doesn’t disappoint. The people, the animals, the customs are built around it, and all adapted differently, which makes this epic in my imagination.  

Question: Are the giants native to the planet? Or are they from somewhere else and trapped, like the humans?

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[8/2/2026 7:26 PM] erisindex
DONE


[8/2/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
If you are interested in taking a turn, raise your hand before I finish my feedback! 🙂


[8/2/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
General feedback - Very interesting story which I really enjoyed reading. There are many excellent lines and sequences, but before we get to those, I struggled with this paragraph:


[8/2/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
Love, like sand, clogs the pathways of oxygen, consumes like heat, a slow Calvary. Dust traps the smells of this barren landscape and releases them into the air to summon misfortune; our hounds breathe them in, hungry and heedless, ready to bark at an enemy or lunge at the first signal.

The semi-philosophical opening paragraphs seemed out of place with the rest of the story which was very raw and tactile.

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[8/2/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
And I wasn't sure how love is like sand.

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[8/2/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
Best line(s) - Some of our people have seen them smile, a strange, dispiriting expression.

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[8/2/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
I loved this line about the giants smiling - giving the monster a smile

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[8/2/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst
it humanizes them just enough for us to have to grapple with the idea they are living beings as well and not just plot devices to be killed for treasure.

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[8/2/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst
Because, you know, sand is the deadliest enemy; sooner or later, no matter how well you hide, it murders you.

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[8/2/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
excellent -- the real enemy isn't the giants or the scorpions -- its the sand


[8/2/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
I hang back because, at my age, I am good at getting women pregnant.

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[8/2/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
this was such an honest line for any tribal group facing constant threat of extinction

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[8/2/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
Tullio dies today, for certain. The giant crushes his head against the rock floor. I have never seen anything more horrible. <<< poor Tullio whose outlived them all, dies without fanfare

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[8/2/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
And my absolute favorite image in the story:


[8/2/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
Today, the sand of the sky has decided to mix with the sand of the desert.

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[8/2/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
Critique - Often, the sand below and the sand above mix, giving rise to terrifying natural events — murderous whirlwinds. If you were caught in the middle, you would be torn to pieces. <<< tense conflict or is this an artefact of their language? mix is present, were caught is past, would be is future.


[8/2/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
triple tense conflict in one paragraph


[8/2/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
easy cleanup


[8/2/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
Question - Is the prose of the story meant to show the regressions of language of the humans on this planet? If so, its a really wonderful choice and narrative device.

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[8/2/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/2/2026 7:31 PM] yamamoto6008
Oh, a suggestion based on this comment. Instead of telling people saw giants smile. Make one smile in the killing scene. 🧐

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[8/2/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
Anyone else want a go?


[8/2/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
okay -- @Marcello Iori any last words for the room before we wrap?


[8/2/2026 7:32 PM] yamamoto6008
He may be asleep😅

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[8/2/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
Well the wonderful part of the text chat format, is all of this feedback will be waiting for him when he's awake!

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[8/2/2026 7:33 PM] xenonsteem
The one eye giant not good at making women pregnant? 🤣🖖🏼

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[8/2/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
Thank you all for coming tonight and sharing some of your most precious resource, your time!

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[8/2/2026 7:34 PM] starcryst
Now we're off the the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for our new bartender @Lisa N Snowe to mix drinks and for us to do shameless self promotion! See you there.

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[8/3/2026 3:22 AM] mars_95827
Attack on Titan


[8/3/2026 3:28 AM] mars_95827
the grass and the boy, it's a oniric sort of scene. he is exhausted and in pain, and he feels like is falling apart, like in pieces. It's a special kind of grass that, at certain times of the year, hardens and becomes almost like crispy kale, breaking apart with very little force. Landing on it at high speed produces that distinctive shattering effect.


[8/3/2026 3:32 AM] mars_95827
Two years ago, there was a science fiction competition with a maximum word count of 5,000. I wrote this story, and I ended up winning.
It's a long story, and I'd rather not get into it. What matters is that the ending is open because I originally wrote it just for the competition. But as I was writing it, I realized it had all the ingredients to become something much bigger, kind of like *The Maze Runner* (and the book it's based on). It started to feel like the beginning of a much larger story rather than a standalone piece.


[8/3/2026 3:36 AM] mars_95827
Yes, I'd like to. there are things unfulfilled in the premise, so there's a lot to tell


[8/3/2026 3:42 AM] mars_95827
Partly, yes. When I write a first-person character, I try to give them a voice that's entirely their own. He's not exactly well-educated in the conventional sense—he never went to school. It's a lost world, and its language has been lost as well. That said, I do agree that I could have written some passages better.


[8/3/2026 3:45 AM] mars_95827
Thank you all for reading my story and taking the time to analyze it. It's been really interesting to see the different reactions and how much engagement it sparked.💛 

And yes, I had a complete mental blackout. The next thing I knew, I realized the computer was still on while I was asleep on the couch. Then my partner dragged me to bed. What the hell... see what happens when you get older? Haha.👴

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🤣 ❤️ BlobCatHeart

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