============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-03-26-gonz-paoli ============================================================== [7/31/2026 2:31 PM] starcryst @Gonz Story link! {Reactions} 🫡 [7/31/2026 4:10 PM] gonzpaoli **SIR YES SIR** 🫡 https://open.substack.com/pub/gonzpaoli/p/salvador-chapter-1-part-2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2qdrpm {Embed} https://open.substack.com/pub/gonzpaoli/p/salvador-chapter-1-part-2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2qdrpm Salvador: Chapter 1, Part 2 Chapter 1: The Boy Who Fell (Part 2/3) https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/haTXZMlD6xpGzzD3woBaSOC8oNKRQTA_iqpw3Ccs-ZA/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21Gv89%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F50870bdf-6314-4fc0-888c-0304c948f95e_1400x734.png {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [7/31/2026 4:11 PM] gonzpaoli **To any new readers:** you have the option of reading the recap so you're not lost, or going to chapter 1 first (linked at the beginning) for the full experience. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [7/31/2026 4:11 PM] gonzpaoli **I recommend the full experience.** 😎 {Reactions} 🔥 [8/3/2026 3:11 PM] karlmarxar15 Back from vacation just in time for part 2! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/3/2026 3:31 PM] gonzpaoli Yay! And since I've got part 3 written, I'm gonna go ahead and release it today, as well. The audio's not ready yet, but I'll edit it in tonight or tomorrow. I just want you guys to be able to read it if, you know... You get to the end of part 2 and you want to see what happens 😁 [8/3/2026 3:31 PM] gonzpaoli If you're subscribed, check your email in a few 😉 [8/3/2026 6:08 PM] starcryst @everyone join us here at 7pm EST for Write Club and the return of The Boy Who Fell. - help promote tonight's event by doing the clicky thing below followed by the restacky thing on Substack. Thank you! https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-307573678 {Embed} https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-307573678 David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge) Tonight on WRITE CLUB - one of our first authors, returns with a long awaited second chapter. Read the story below and then join us to discuss with the author @Gonz Paoli at 7pm EST tonight in http://writeclub.chat discord. https://gonzpaoli.substack.com/p/salvador-chapter-1-part-2 https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/gxLGNWysa9DkTavW1n98XePr8dzeWudKnxd-521NcFY/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21EatR%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F6edc5b2c-c681-408e-bddb-9ade8dfb2681_1988x1119.png {Reactions} foxParty (2) ❤️ [8/3/2026 6:14 PM] josisofer Me too! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/3/2026 6:52 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 https://klipy.com/gifs/napoleon-dynamite-wave {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/napoleon-dynamite-wave Napoleon Dynamite's Awkward Wave https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/xFOzIpVeT0aDEJXkH9zzdymgfZAq1bj8cStuO0kdOAw/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d7aec6f6f171607374b2065c836f92f4/8e/b2/IA3VSOXq.webp [8/3/2026 6:55 PM] kotaotan I'm here and ready! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/3/2026 6:56 PM] .revanarchy Hi @Gonz ! I just don't have it in me tonight. Ill try and circle back with some thoughts later tonight {Reactions} ❤️ 💯 [8/3/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74 My Hero Academia: Present Mic's Loud Quirk https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/th7VbMjxhdpOIFmvM-RBKhlisNyyZjbPHLsXrCxTtZI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e293a233a303a98e471f78d04e13a1b0/fa/6e/SXEVPl8o.webp {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/3/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst @everyone IT'S TIME for WRITE CLUB! [8/3/2026 7:01 PM] gonzpaoli https://klipy.com/gifs/wolf-of-wall-street-lets-goo-1 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/wolf-of-wall-street-lets-goo-1 Wolf Of Wall Street: Lets Gooo! https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/rKpoaPMG4xfjQD12qLY6jkQjRrwwx6PUCYXpFYa5TuI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/79/4c/C9NsLtfs.webp [8/3/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst @Gonz What kind of feedback do you want? Child-Safe or MURDERBOT? {Reactions} happyrobot (3) 🤣 (2) [8/3/2026 7:02 PM] gonzpaoli **MURDERRRR** bot 😂 {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/3/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer https://klipy.com/gifs/i-robot-no-2 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/i-robot-no-2 I, Robot: Robot's Head Turn Reaction https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/cCXSKbQISUr-Klp5nHyPZBNBQ2kphn0pU0Xl-q2iCKs/https/static.klipy.com/ii/925f17378dd1893b674a723c07535afe/a9/50/oLYnoOYO.webp {Reactions} 🔥 [8/3/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst if you are new to Write Club, here is the chat format: {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1531789923294904382/1533973537306443956/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f7ef&is=6ab7a66f&hm=41559c6c313f13ae72a9418d964e446bdb6f0d3cd43515d55306f88d9019c95c& [8/3/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst For our veterans - you know what's next. LATEX GLOVES plz [8/3/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:03 PM] snowpuppie 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:03 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 ✋ {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst When you are done with feedback, please remember to say DONE. [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] kotaotan 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst @Josi Sofer Welcome Back! GO! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer Thank you [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer I'll be gentle [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer https://klipy.com/gifs/lock-lube-1 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/lock-lube-1 Lock Lube https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/KQSeeumUauEenngPwuZCUNvBfqobuoyK9dRWpqNBUM4/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d6b0ce929193df3c242ac34b5654d2ce/9c/b5/zdUZoTXh.webp {Reactions} 🤣 (4) berk (2) [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer Favorite Lines: [“I didn’t even know robots could get scared,” she chuckled. For the first time since waking up, Sal smiled. He thought the words I’m not a robot, but at this point it seemed useless. He just looked at her. “They can’t,” Jim growled from behind. “Don’t listen to him,” she said, almost whispering. She cleaned off some more dirt from behind his ears, and even shook some off his hair. Salvador just looked at her. She wiped a tear from his cheek. “Wow,” she said. “Your skin is so… realistic!” she playfully let out.He smiled again. The sensation of her hands on his face felt… nice. Safe. “Are you done tending to the machine’s little owies?” He walked up to the two of them, pulling Brenda aside. Ignoring her protests, he glared at Salvador. “Who are you, really? What happened here?” “I…” he started to shake again. Jim raised his voice. “Who built you, and how many more like you are there?” Brenda smacked Jim from behind. “Jim, FUCK OFF!” “Please,” Salvador shuddered. “I… I just– I jus-jus… ju-ju… just…” Huh? Jim took a step back. The group looked at him. Sal tried again. “I ju-u-u-ust… I just-t-t-t wanna g-g-g-goooo hoooome…” Sal’s voice jittered, skipped and ended in nonsensical garble. His eyes widened even more.] {Reactions} 😮 (2) ❤️‍🔥 (2) ❤️ (4) [8/3/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer I just love this whole section {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer Everyone's reactions feel genuine and what people act like when they're unsure. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 [8/3/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer Salvador wants to convince these people he’s human. But his moment when he realizes he isn’t. {Reactions} 💯 ❤️ 💔 [8/3/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst All you lurkers get your hands in the air! 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 (2) 👆🏼 (2) [8/3/2026 7:06 PM] karlmarxar15 🖐️ {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer Criticism: [Then, realizing that he wasn’t running out of breath, the crazy thought entered his mind: What if they were right? What if, somehow, he was a robot? He shuddered at the thought, which loosened up his frozen joints. And it hit him: Robots don’t shudder. So why was his head jerking to the side like that?] [8/3/2026 7:06 PM] karlmarxar15 I refuse to be demoted to lurker. {Reactions} ❤️ 😂 [8/3/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer I feel like you're trying to pull us back to the idea that maybe he's human, but it falls flat for me. {Reactions} 📝 (2) [8/3/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer Horrified Salvador would work better for me. But remember, it's your piece, not mine. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer Positive Critique: Your writing is highly propulsive and I can’t wait to read part three tomorrow. {Reactions} 👍 (2) 💯 (3) ❤️ (2) ❤️‍🔥 (2) [8/3/2026 7:07 PM] gonzpaoli Interesting. The intention there was to have him realize the opposite. Noted! [8/3/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer Question: What's it feel like to be this good? {Reactions} 😂 (3) ❤️ (3) 🙏🏼 (2) foxLove (2) [8/3/2026 7:08 PM] josisofer DONE! [8/3/2026 7:08 PM] starcryst @Lisa N Snowe GO! [8/3/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie I'm having to stop myself from reading part 3 right now so I can get this written up in time. XD (And wonderful audio, btw!) Favorite line: Brenda stepped up. “Did you stop to think that maybe he needs our help precisely because something bad happened?” I loved it because I personally felt a large sigh of relief for my new robot-boy friend, and I wanted to hug Brenda immediately. I hadn't even realized how stressed for him I was becoming until that moment. That sort of emotional resonance makes good storytelling. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (3) ❤️‍🔥 🤩 [8/3/2026 7:08 PM] gonzpaoli This has gone through several versions, and I have had help in several places (not the least of which was this very group). But thank you!!! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie (Bonus line: also loved the visual and mental weight of this line: “Haaa-ppy Biiirth-ir-ir-ir-irth…” and just like that, the glowing faces celebrating his life turned into horizontal lines, random squares and colourful dots.) {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (2) ❤️‍🔥 🙌🏼 [8/3/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer All the feedback and group work doesn't make you this good buddy. Keep it up, your writing quality is freaking good. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) ❤️‍🔥 🙏🏼 [8/3/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie That line was so brutal, because not only was it story relevant, but felt like it was foreshadowing {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Favorite scene: When Brenda first bends down and is kind to him. It humanizes him. Provides more dimension to his character. And it propels the story forward. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 📝 [8/3/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Criticism: I think the full length of the back and forth dialogue with "the mob" members (both between themselves and with Sal), is a little long/repetitive; you spend a good amount of time on it in the beginning before Brenda, you go back to it after his first interaction with Brenda, after the next interaction with Brenda and his first "glitch", and then after he comes out of the Birthday scene. I think you can tighten it, particularly early on and mid-stream, without losing any story or tension. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) 💗 (3) 📝 [8/3/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Question for the author: Do you do the audio? It's wonderful! I need to know your secrets. 🙂 {Reactions} ❤️ ❤️‍🔥 [8/3/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie DONE [8/3/2026 7:10 PM] starcryst @lauriemacNorCal GO! [8/3/2026 7:10 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 “You’ve never heard of Amnesia, Randy? Dumbass?” I also liked when she called him Caveman. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ❤️ (5) 💪🏼 [8/3/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite moment: Brenda tenderly wiping off his face. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 🥹 [8/3/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Criticism: Absolutely nuttin’ {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 General feedback: I looooove this serial. And what is even more cool is how awesome the {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/3/2026 7:11 PM] loganraith Reading! Don't end without me! {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (2) [8/3/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 awesome the audio reading is. Gonz can read me the telephone book to me anytime. {Reactions} 🤣 (5) 💯 ❤️‍🔥 [8/3/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Question: What inspired this story? (done) {Reactions} ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:12 PM] gonzpaoli Thank you so much Lisa!! Yes, I do all my own audio. I have been doing commercial voice work for about 13 years now, and I record in my own custom-built booth 😁 {Reactions} 💯 (2) ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst @Kevin Prime GO! [8/3/2026 7:12 PM] meganmarrow_40655 I’m still reading! I’m here! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/3/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/rawr-fierce {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/rawr-fierce Scotty Sire: Rawr Fierce Look https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/jpSqGSLq6tFa4YqiwYfR6GMwoaesWunuircWaTL9WfM/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4e7bea9f7a3371424e6c16ebc93252fe/35/9a/7kEnAXdRHwXr.webp {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/3/2026 7:13 PM] snowpuppie Aaaahhh!! That explains it! You could have a small business renting it out to folks in here .... :berk: {Reactions} ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:13 PM] kotaotan So I absolutely adore the concept of this story. I am a big sucker for child robots and them not being aware of who they actually are. It is a wonderful story idea. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (2) 🎉 (2) 🙌🏼 [8/3/2026 7:14 PM] kotaotan I thought that the scene with Brenda cleaning Sal's face was probably the standout moment from the whole thing. It's a lovely bit of character development for her. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (3) [8/3/2026 7:15 PM] gonzpaoli Oh oh I forgot about this potential question for new readers! I'll copy it from the first critique session cause it's kinda a long story: **On Salvador's Origin** Way back in 2016, I vaguely heard about an incident with a chatbot that was released into the world. I didn't know it then, but it was called Taybot, released by Microsoft. The version that reached my ears was that it was released on Twitter, and that people could interact with it and teach it (it wasn't exactly like that, but it's the version that reached me, and it was perfect for what it inspired). It was a disaster! People taught it all kinds of nasty stuff. They made it racist, misogynistic, anti-semetic, you name it. They had to shut it down before the day was out. That, plus another incident which had happened before, but I heard about later, with a simple little robot called Hitchbot (social experiment). It was found destroyed in the street. All of this made me think: Is this side always going to be the loudest? Is this what happens to innocence when it's released into the world? Are we THAT twisted? And bit by bit... **the idea for Salvador was born** 🔥 {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (4) 🤖 (4) [8/3/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan I am very interested in continuing the series, but I agree that the back and forth might have been a bit much. I didn't feel like I was as drawn in as I could have been? I was hoping for more playing up of Sal's fear. I thought that Brenda being the main POV would have also been an interesting direction to go. This is all personal opinion, of course, but I hope to see more! DONE! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 📝 [8/3/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst @Eris Index GO! [8/3/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex Brenda smacked Jim from behind. “Jim, FUCK OFF!” Jim’s a pos. I would prefer she smack him again, but I’ll take what I can get it. {Reactions} 🤣 (5) ☝️ (3) 💯 (3) 😂 ❤️‍🔥 [8/3/2026 7:16 PM] meganmarrow_40655 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex “Inside Salvador’s head, the word ‘kiddo’ echoed.” Small line doing an insane amount of work. Lots of things are happening: people yelling at him, shovels, and accusations, but kiddo is what gets through. A completely normal, affectionate word pops open the memory vault. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 💕 (2) [8/3/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex “Robots don’t shudder.” You have reassured me for approximately half a second. Thank you for that. Salvador grabs onto this itty-bitty human thing as proof that he MUST be human, and then you betray us. Cruel timing, but I love it. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🤔 [8/3/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer There is always the frog option {Reactions} 👀 [8/3/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex “Human kids don’t do what you just did, bud.” We get this nostalgic birthday memory and all the nice feelings, and then… another person is telling him its a lie. He is not a human. Made it hurt all the more. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/3/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex Favorite scene: Brenda cleaning his face at the end and calling him “kiddo.” Awe, poor Salvador. This might be my favorite scene, because of the tiny act of kindness amidst people being mean and Salvador struggling. Just a wee bit of care and it means everything. Last favorite scene: The glitch. One sec we’re getting “Robots don’t shudder” and the next his head is jerking at the speed of light until his neck whines like an overheated motor. This escalation was chef’s kiss. He thinks he found proof of his humanity, and then you jerk it away. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex Light criticism: I stumbled just a tad keeping all of the other people straight. Jim and Brenda are clear as day, but maybe one or two more personal tells would help keep the others straight. Just for future reference. If it was intentional, then nevermind. 🙂 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 💯 (2) 👆 (2) 📝 [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex This is my second time reading and it was just as enjoyable reading it again. I like being just as confused about his questionable humanity as he is, but at the same time I want to know, lol. Now I’m suspicious of absolutely every memory you throw at us. Thanks. Question: How far are you from publishing part 4? {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex DONE [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst @Christopher Burgess GO! [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] gonzpaoli Ohhh honey. Just wait till you get to part 3. You'll love it. And you'll hate *me* 😂 {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] karlmarxar15 SUP {Reactions} 🙌🏼 [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] karlmarxar15 I love this because I love stories that are dialogue-driven. You nail the dialogue here. Each character has enough voice that dialogue tags are hardly necessary. Also, shout out for the voiceover. Kicked ass. I think the narration is less strong in places. The end particularly sticks out to me: There's something about the "can only be described as nightmarish" and the "superhuman speed" bit that felt, idk, less precise and kind of...summative? I think just describing the action using verbs would have been stronger. DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 👍 (2) 💯 [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst @MEGAN MARROW GO! [8/3/2026 7:17 PM] meganmarrow_40655 Fav line: “You’ve never heard of Amnesia, Randy? Dumbass?” “Explain that highly advanced robot arm, then, Brenda!” retorted Randy. That made me laugh. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ❤️ (3) [8/3/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex I can just make Croke go Godzilla toad style and eat everyone's shitty side-characters. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) FroggieSip (3) [8/3/2026 7:19 PM] meganmarrow_40655 I am very disorganized Becuase I’m on vacay, but generally I love how you make us feel Salvador’s terror and keep us guessing his origins. I love Brenda cleaning his face. I can’t wait to read more. This feels like such a big story that’s just getting started. DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/3/2026 7:19 PM] gonzpaoli Interesting! My intention with that line was the opposite, so since you're the second to interpret it like this, I may have to change it actually! He's starting to figure out that he's a robot, but then the realization sets in that ROBOTS DON'T SHUDDER, so if he IS a robot, then what the hell was his body doing? *Then the horror starts* {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] josisofer Wait, weren't you on vacay before I left last week? [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst Last chance for Lurkers! Two by Two Hands of Yellow. [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 sorry I"m late! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 👋 (2) [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] meganmarrow_40655 lol. I did in fact have two vacations two weeks apart {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] meganmarrow_40655 This one has minimal wifi though [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] meganmarrow_40655 And no enough ocean [8/3/2026 7:20 PM] josisofer Doctors are masochists I swear {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/3/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer @VesperLRayne s are never late... {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:21 PM] meganmarrow_40655 Don’t worry, I work all the other holidays {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/3/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst Okay I think we have a couple of peeps working on theirs so I'll go while they do. [8/3/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst General Feedback - Great continuation of the story. I'm fully hooked for part 3. Amazing voice work. You should go pro. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/3/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst Best line(s): “Jim, don’t you _dare!_” Brenda’s voice became a stone wall. (It is so hard to come up with unique ways of indicating who's speaking that isn't just "Brenda said". This is excellent because it gives us exactly the way that Brenda says the line and it progresses the scene while also identifying the speaker. Nice.) {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 💯 (4) ❤️‍🔥 [8/3/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst “I ju-u-u-ust… I just-t-t-t wanna g-g-g-goooo _**hoooome**_**…**” Sal’s voice jittered, skipped and ended in nonsensical garble. His eyes widened even more. (Especially loved the voice work here) {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 💯 (3) [8/3/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst “Haaa-ppy Biiirth-ir-ir-ir-irth…” and just like that, the glowing faces celebrating his life turned into horizontal lines, random squares and colourful dots. (I can see this exactly in my head) {Reactions} ❤️ (4) YES (3) 😟 (3) [8/3/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst Critique - I know that Salvador is scared, but it feels like there are just a couple of beats too many of people asking him if he's okay and him responding in fear or confusion. {Reactions} 👆 (3) 📝 [8/3/2026 7:22 PM] gonzpaoli That's amazing. First time someone mentions a re-read, and it makes me happy you enjoyed it just as much 😊😊 For part 4 (actually, **Chapter 2 part 1**)... I'm gonna need about 2-3 weeks 😅 {Reactions} 👍 ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:22 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/3/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst Question - what was the reason for starting with the recap? It felt like if people needed that they could just go back and read the first part and if they are coming from the first part and reading through, the recap disrupts continuation of the story. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) thinksmart1 [8/3/2026 7:23 PM] josisofer Today was my re-read, I read it when you announced it {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/3/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst Also --- I LOVE the fact you are building so many side assets, artwork, character studies, models, etc. and publishing them to your fans. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a toy franchise. {Reactions} 💯 (5) ❤️ (3) 🔥 (4) 👆 (3) [8/3/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst DONE [8/3/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst @VesperLRayne GO! [8/3/2026 7:24 PM] erisindex When he says "Robots don't shudder" I legit thought he was trying reassure himself that he was human, until he started glitching. {Reactions} 💯 (2) YES 📝 [8/3/2026 7:24 PM] gonzpaoli Oohhhhhh it IS just getting started 😀😀 Thank you Megan! [8/3/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Did I miss anyone other than @Logan Raith who is apparently a slow reader... 🙂 {Reactions} 😂 ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:24 PM] josisofer It felt a little like "Last time, on Dragonball Z..." but I didn't hate it [8/3/2026 7:25 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 his paid subscribers are going to get some great goodie boxes!! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) Gift_SGAni (2) [8/3/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst I think a lot of people are going to go straight from part 1 to part 2 and its going to be a recap of what you JUST read. {Reactions} 💯 [8/3/2026 7:25 PM] erisindex Good notes take time, lol. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/3/2026 7:25 PM] meganmarrow_40655 Just restacked part 1 {Reactions} ❤️ ❤️‍🔥 🙏🏼 [8/3/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst @VesperLRayne you see my GO? [8/3/2026 7:25 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 oh omg no {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/3/2026 7:26 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 sorry yes i will go {Reactions} 🤣 (2) ❤️ [8/3/2026 7:26 PM] loganraith Sorry! Not reading anymore. I was just finishing up some notes. {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/3/2026 7:26 PM] loganraith ✋ {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/3/2026 7:26 PM] josisofer True, but if they didn't, it's not bad. Also, @Gonz , even if you cut it, keep it somewhere because if you query it's a perfect synopsis bullet point. This is a professional author skill unto itself. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 🤔 📝 [8/3/2026 7:27 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 first, this is my second read and I also just read part 3 - I love how much ENERGY YOU BRING to this- I can see the excitement - well feel it really.. and I invested in this. You hooked me in with the memeory too - tender {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 🔥 (3) 💖 (3) ❤️‍🔥 (3) [8/3/2026 7:28 PM] gonzpaoli Originally I thought of the recap for precisely *this session* lol Maybe I'll just keep a recap on the latest chapter as I go... I was thinking it could be like those series before Netflix where the recap let you in on what was going on so you could watch the episode without feeling lost 🤷🏼‍♂️ {Reactions} ❤️ (4) ❤️‍🔥 [8/3/2026 7:28 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 I love how Brenda is the stand in for empathy- and I knew that those guys were going to try to hurt him and I was like noooo.. oh please don't.. As I read, i can see the movement going forward.. every liine keeps moving you to the next.. and I really like how you are doing that. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 [8/3/2026 7:28 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 the dialogue is fabulous bc it is REAL- {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/3/2026 7:29 PM] gonzpaoli > I feel like I'm at the beginning of a toy franchise. ..... 😉 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer And this is a good idea for those of us who had to wait for you to write the next piece. If you were releasing on a fast schedule like daily it would be wholly unnecessary {Reactions} 💯 [8/3/2026 7:29 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 I liked the recap, it did not bother me at all- and DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/3/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst @Logan Raith GO! [8/3/2026 7:30 PM] gonzpaoli AND THAT'S WHAT YOU MISSED, ON GLEE! 😂 {Reactions} 🤣 (2) 🔥 ❤️‍🔥 [8/3/2026 7:30 PM] loganraith Favorite line Brenda's rebuke of Jim wanting to smash Sal to bits. I like when Jim gets put in his place. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (4) 👊 [8/3/2026 7:31 PM] loganraith Jim's such a jerk. But you're on the edge of mustache-twirling with him. {Reactions} 💯 (3) ❤️ (3) 👍 [8/3/2026 7:31 PM] loganraith Favorite scene The flashback to him, apparently being a normal boy gave us a little bit of information about what he is, or at least used to be. It was a nice emotional anchor, I would expand on that flashback a little bit. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 💯 📝 [8/3/2026 7:32 PM] loganraith Or a lot. lo [8/3/2026 7:32 PM] loganraith lol [8/3/2026 7:32 PM] loganraith Which brings me to... [8/3/2026 7:33 PM] loganraith Feedback My biggest issue with this scene is that not enough happens to move the plot forward. Let me break it down. Chapter one ended with the crowd arguing about what Sal is, Jim being hostile, and Sal being confused. Chapter two ended in the same place, but possibly with Sal about to explode (though probably not, since he's the protagonist). This chapter needs more. It's essentially a chapter-long argument about what Sal is that ends on a cliffhanger. Next, and this is just a little thing, but the "met his/her gaze" thing is one of those cliché lines that should almost always be replaced with something more interesting. I spotted it once, I think. Sorry, Gonz! I wish I had more positive to say about this one. I really wanted to like it. I was excited to get on and read, but it needs some serious reworking, in my humble option. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 📝 [8/3/2026 7:33 PM] gonzpaoli YES! And I actually already have a small tweak in store to fix exactly that 😁 {Reactions} 🔥 (3) 👍 [8/3/2026 7:35 PM] loganraith I guess I was the one holding up afterparty, sooo... {Reactions} ❤️ 😂 (3) 😆 [8/3/2026 7:35 PM] loganraith DONE [8/3/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst OKAY! @Gonz any final words for the room? {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:36 PM] gonzpaoli This is an interesting point! Because originally parts 1, 2 and 3 are all chapter 1, which is the whole thing: Confusion, escalation and (part 3) climax... of chapter 1, which is actually the entire inciting incident of the bigger story. I'll have my screwdriver handy when I do my next pass for sure! Thanks Logan! {Reactions} ❤️ (7) [8/3/2026 7:39 PM] starcryst That's all for Write Club for tonight! Thank you all for kindly sharing some of your attention with Gonz this evening. Join us in the #write-club-start-here for 2d Drinks, 3d People and 4d Shameless Self Promotion! [8/3/2026 7:39 PM] gonzpaoli You guys are the BEST. You're giving me - Encouragement to keep writing - Excitement that people are reading and resonating with my little character - Excitement to see people GET excited about more story coming - ACTUAL USEFUL FEEDBACK on the weak points! - SO MUCH VALIDATION ( @Josi Sofer I'm looking at you) and ammo to beat my impostor syndrome into submission (at least, until the next round lol) Thank you all for taking the time to read this story. @David T Etheredge - Inference you're not wrong about the toy line! You saw my imagined vinyl figure 😉 But one needs to establish interest first. A readership. You guys are giving me both. **Thank you!!** {Reactions} ❤️ (10) ❤️‍🔥 (6) BlobCatHeart (3) 🔥 (6) 🎉 (6) 🥂 (5) 🍻 (3) 💗 (2) [8/3/2026 7:40 PM] gonzpaoli I'm sorry I can't stay for the afterparty though, cause I have to run to pick up my kid! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/3/2026 7:40 PM] gonzpaoli BUT GO READ PART 3 if you haven't lmao And restack it if you can (I've seen those who already have!!) ❤❤❤ [8/3/2026 7:46 PM] loganraith I've been reading the feedback, and thinking about this, and I'm going to throw out a suggestion. You could shorten this scene by 75% and tag it onto chapter one, and I think it would do two things: One, make chapter one better, end on a more compelling beat, and two, fix the problem of this chapter not really serving a purpose other than to deliver the cliffhanger. Just my two cents. [8/3/2026 7:49 PM] loganraith This makes so much sense! {Reactions} 😁 [8/3/2026 8:23 PM] vaelinshadowbloom Quote - “Explain that highly advanced robot arm, then, Brenda!” retorted Randy. - This SENT ME. I don't know why, but it was so damn funny. Scene - When he "forgot" his name and address. It broke my heart. Critique - the italics and bold got to me as an editor. It was a lot. Praise - I absolutely hate most of the humans o.o {Reactions} ❤️ 😮 🤣 [8/4/2026 4:50 PM] gonzpaoli If you want, I've put parts 1, 2 and 3 into "part 1" and simply titled it Chapter 1 (for the Winterlight submission, which I ended up deciding to pass on). Maybe it'll flow better for you that way? Let me know if you have time! https://tinyurl.com/Sal-Ch1 {Embed} https://tinyurl.com/Sal-Ch1 Salvador - Chapter 1: The Boy Who Fell The heat of the fire blew out the windows with a deafening pop, shards spraying into the night. https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/obiHDGXJPPCDib_1S1nmt8o6zAcNhsPk8BzZxEODBZk/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21i6jh%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Faf0c3230-21c7-42a0-b43c-5e2359bf7993_1400x734.png [8/4/2026 4:51 PM] gonzpaoli Thanks Kris! Oh, I *love* emphasizing lol This is the first time I've been *criticized* for that 😂 🙈 [8/4/2026 4:51 PM] vaelinshadowbloom Hahaha! I'm sorry, my editing brain came out {Reactions} ❤️ [8/4/2026 4:52 PM] gonzpaoli Hey, all opinions and viewpoints are welcome! After all, I will either query or publish this one day. Thank you 🙏🏼 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/4/2026 4:52 PM] vaelinshadowbloom Any time friend! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/4/2026 5:32 PM] loganraith I’ll check it out! It does make more sense as one chapter, only having read two. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/4/2026 5:37 PM] loganraith Why’d you pass on the Winterlight thing? Something I should know about? [8/4/2026 5:39 PM] lammbbb We were all raising our eyebrows about it in here thinking it sounded scammy but I think he had other, more personal reasons {Reactions} 👆🏼 [8/4/2026 5:39 PM] lammbbb https://discord.com/channels/1521624267135909969/1533553014499967096/1534300900921970939 {Reactions} 👍 👆🏼 [8/4/2026 5:50 PM] gonzpaoli Yeah, I gave my reasons in the message where I tagged you (or the one right before) {Reactions} 👍 [8/4/2026 11:07 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 Wow. I just read this. I really loved it. the use of italics and bold was *chef's kiss. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ [8/4/2026 11:12 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 This line "It was the trees, Sal realized, visible through his abdomen, that frightened him the most. More than strange, it felt… Unnatural." Was the only one that stuck out where I thought the pacing could have split to let the horror sink in a tiny bit longer. "it was the trees, sal realizes, visible through his abdomen. That was the part that frightened him the most." {Reactions} ❤️ [8/5/2026 1:33 AM] gonzpaoli Thanks for coming in and giving it a read, Her Majesty! Ha, it's funny calling you that 😂 {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/10/2026 7:46 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 You'll get used to it. 😆 {Reactions} 😁 (2) ============================================================== Exported 169 message(s) ==============================================================