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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-05-26-l-c-douglass
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[7/31/2026 2:31 PM] starcryst
@𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 story link please!


[8/1/2026 5:42 PM] lcdouglass (pinned)
https://substack.com/@lcdouglass/p-206743562

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https://substack.com/@lcdouglass/p-206743562
Vampire Daddy 22: You Could Be A Villain
Why were the people Lexi loved afraid of him?
Why did they spend decades hiding from him?
And why have their secrets been sealed for centuries in a Martian archive?
This Friday’s Vampire Daddy: "You Could Be a Villain."
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/j7mdcrSphV5mq9tCOzVGDxFUEcnHEqNMJSEHG2ye7HQ/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21eV4J%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Flcdouglass.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F206743562%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4

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[8/5/2026 4:55 PM] erisindex
Is this a serial?

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[8/5/2026 6:18 PM] starcryst
@everyone Please help promote tonight's author  @𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 by clicking on the link below and restacking! Thank you. https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-308940137

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https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-308940137
David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge)
Tonight on Write Club we have @LC Douglass and Chapter 22 of Vampire Daddy: You Could Be A Villian. Join us at 7pm EST in http://writeclub.chat to discuss the story with the author.

https://lcdouglass.substack.com/p/vampire-daddy-22-you-could-be-a-villain
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/vdsCztQprJhdf4INeNASqOZ2VPju6zT_WKXfz7nDqaw/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21v_d_%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F45d0568f-e3bb-4056-83fe-72031adb33c6_1975x1116.png


[8/5/2026 6:59 PM] modhob
Done

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[8/5/2026 6:59 PM] lcdouglass
Hi there


[8/5/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/presentmic-thumbsup

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Presentmic Thumbsup
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/neKAJIsQVG4TIbOkDCnFjx106D7Ytq0gnzX72kVhN0I/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4493325008d34b7bf8cd6813cd5c1619/78/bf/vkoLuI06TfDePj7i.webp

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[8/5/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
Welcome all to Write Club! For any newcomers, this is the Chat Format:

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[8/5/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
Pinned a message.


[8/5/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
You can see a link to the story in the Pins


[8/5/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
@𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 what level of critique would you prefer tonight? Care Bear or Full Frontal?


[8/5/2026 7:01 PM] lcdouglass
either one is ok

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[8/5/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
okay then - for any newcomers you get in que to provide feedback by raising your hand like this: (everybody raise your hands!)


[8/5/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex
👋


[8/5/2026 7:03 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
👋


[8/5/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
When you are done with feedback, please say DONE

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[8/5/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index GO!


[8/5/2026 7:03 PM] msadventurouspurple
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[8/5/2026 7:03 PM] erisindex
Favorite lines: “Why had she done this to him?”

Simple and to the point. Basically the entire article in one sentence.

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[8/5/2026 7:03 PM] erisindex
And there are more sentences like this below. 

“Her handwriting.”

“My identity is a fucking plant!” (My favorite)

Great, emotional lines to connect the reader to the main character.

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[8/5/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex
Favorite scenes: The old blues song St. James Infirmary passage. 

It does the best job conveying his emotions about the situation, in my opinion

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[8/5/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex
And the “Linka left me?” scene. Some good emotions which finally made me feel a little more connected to the character.


[8/5/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex
Criticism: I almost didn’t make it through the beginning, which would have been terrible because the rest of the article is good. I wasn’t keen on the amount of info dumping in this. Clarity was an issue. I was so lost in maybe a memory, maybe not a memory, that I lost all of the names and was confused on what was going on, and who everyone was. I had to read this a few times to figure it out. From paragraph to paragraph I wasn’t sure what was happening. I did give up at one point, and went back and tried again later. I say that, because the rest of this is really good and if I give up reading it, it’s possible other readers will too. You spend a lot of time trying to establish that this guy is smart and you don’t need to. You explain an entire theorem at one point. We only need the name. 

Overall there’s a lot here to genuinely like once the story gets past the beginning. The mystery around his memory, Linka, Natasha, and the old records is interesting, and the emotional scenes hit much harder than the technical ones for me. There’s an awesome story here, I just had to make it through the beginning passages to find it.

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[8/5/2026 7:05 PM] erisindex
Question: How much of Lexi’s confusion did you intentionally want the reader to experience with him?

(Also, base my criticism off of someone who hasn’t read any of these. That could have been some of the problem.)


[8/5/2026 7:05 PM] erisindex
DONE


[8/5/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst
@VesperLRayne GO!


[8/5/2026 7:06 PM] lcdouglass
The info dump is intentional. It's meant to be an avalanche all in one night before he breaks down. But I take your point - even then it's really heavy!

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[8/5/2026 7:06 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
Wow, this is DENSE- so much in here- I have to say - I loved your writing style. The voice is GREAT. I hooked on the prose and my brain rode along for the ride.

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[8/5/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
@Matt Gardner I saw you in this channel - were you providing feedback?

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[8/5/2026 7:06 PM] modhob
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[8/5/2026 7:07 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I was a bit lost tho? There is ALOT of data to process. I kept reading back up sometimes. That is probably becuase I have not read the prior chapters I am sure.

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[8/5/2026 7:08 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I liked the flying scene, I know it sounds cheesy but I did .. just.. that's so cool. I liked the names, too. I liked the emotionanl scene with his sister, though I though making her cocoa seemed a bit odd.. but it was a sweet gesture

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[8/5/2026 7:08 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
Overal, I want to learn more about what is happening, and as a writer that's what you want the reader to experience. Also, I love how you write, but I said that already. Worth repeating


[8/5/2026 7:09 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
great dialogue, - I loved the evil vampire, though I did a eww when he killed the dogs 🙁   DONE

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[8/5/2026 7:11 PM] lcdouglass
Thanks @VesperLRayne I agree that there's a lot of data there. I wanted to convey the heaviness of someone 500+ years old, amnesiac, who is finding out huge amounts all in one rough night - If anyone can highlight when that heaviness did work for them, that would be super helpful.


[8/5/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst
@TheFictionForager GO!


[8/5/2026 7:11 PM] msadventurouspurple
Great world building, lots of interesting scenes to draw us into the world. Really curious to know more about the character, the program he was apart of, and why his memory would be wiped/why information would need to be withheld.

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[8/5/2026 7:12 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
honestly the first paragraph- for me- I am not sure if its just me, but data like that doesn't PLACE me anywhere,. But that's my brain, I can dig in more and give you more examples

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[8/5/2026 7:12 PM] msadventurouspurple
Favorite scenes: 
Old blues song for sure

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[8/5/2026 7:12 PM] msadventurouspurple
the ending - was not expecting that sort of twist even though you set it up perfectly with everything else throughout the chapter

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[8/5/2026 7:12 PM] msadventurouspurple
Critique: felt myself glossing over some parts because there was so much info. As a reader prefer a little more space to breathe

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[8/5/2026 7:12 PM] thegalacticwriter
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[8/5/2026 7:13 PM] msadventurouspurple
Done


[8/5/2026 7:13 PM] josisofer
👋

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[8/5/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst
@Matt Gardner GO!


[8/5/2026 7:13 PM] lcdouglass
Thanks very much @TheFictionForager!

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[8/5/2026 7:14 PM] modhob
Hello,
I think @Eris Index nailed both my quote and @VesperLRayne nailed my favourite scene.
The flying was really nice.

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[8/5/2026 7:15 PM] modhob
The critique so far has been fair, however I think if I had read all 21 previous chapters this would be a real strong data dump.

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[8/5/2026 7:16 PM] modhob
I can't even begin to imagine how confusing that life would be, so long and with massive holes


[8/5/2026 7:16 PM] modhob
Question, you are totally genre hopping, that is really ambitious. What inspired you?

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[8/5/2026 7:16 PM] modhob
Done


[8/5/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
@The Galactic Writer GO!


[8/5/2026 7:17 PM] lcdouglass
Right I'd be interested in what others think about how to handle a character going through that - I thought of the film , 'Memento' which frankly I wanted to bail on. Also - how to write a character in scenes where nightmare after nightmare after nightmare is being piled on him -like the Batman story, One Bad Day.

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[8/5/2026 7:17 PM] thegalacticwriter
I’m a straggler tonight, so I’ll be short. Favorite scene:

“He bent time around the strigoi, whose fangs were grinding all around his face. It was a male, huge, powerful. It laughed maniacally through its punctured lung as he smashed the spear through its ribcage. It worked the spear into its body with insane strength, plunging itself into a deeper death so that it could take him too. It lunged again and again for his throat. He gritted his teeth and shoved it away with all his strength. He felt its canines bite forcefully, almost connecting in a fraction of a second before its body ruptured and exploded in a sickening flurry of dust and smoke.”

Great action! I am starting to read the series! Great world-building and intriguing set-up! DONE! ☺️

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[8/5/2026 7:18 PM] lcdouglass
Thanks for the comments @Matt Gardner much appreciated!

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[8/5/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
@Josi Sofer GO!


[8/5/2026 7:18 PM] lcdouglass
Thanks very much @The Galactic Writer!


[8/5/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer
Favorite Lines: 

“The pendant that Linka had worn in the photograph in 2032, that he had bent time and space to find in 2078, had a crane with its leg raised. He hadn’t recognized it then.

He certainly recognized it now.

That crane marked the shield of the House of Cups. It was the insignia of Father Markus, who was headquartered at Hebes Chasma, the great terraforming garden city of Mars, known to all as New Saxony.”

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[8/5/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer
You made the journey payoff. Most authors don’t know how to close the loop to make each chapter its own story. This hits hard at the end.

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[8/5/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
any lurkers out there?


[8/5/2026 7:19 PM] erisindex
Let us watch him be smart, instead of explaining. He recognizes Maxwells equations or whatever immediately, he notices something that archon misses, makes a connection that others wouldn't make. Those types of things will convey intelligence way better than you telling us he's intelligent. Same with the data and information, give is what matters and show him reacting to it on page. Example: Sabine had been monitoring him since they met, now.. let that hit him and don't explain it. For the memories and clarity bit, you need better transitions in and out of them. They aren't the problem themselves, it's the reader understanding when it's happening and when it stops, etc.

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[8/5/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer
Criticism: 

“He tried to process the fact and could not get past blank, empty astonishment. His brain tried to make sense of it, and failed.”

You’re repeating the same idea twice, and the second sentence is stronger.

AND

“Wild uncertainty and anticipation gripped Lexi…”

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[8/5/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer
Your prose has momentum, but it’s bloated. You’re telling us more of Lexi feels than showing us, which is your opportunity to condense. You can show overwhelm in physical ways rather than info dumping. You clearly have the talent to do it and I read chapter 1, so I know you can hit hard and fast with the prose.

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[8/5/2026 7:20 PM] josisofer
When the heaviness didn’t work for me is easy. The back and forth with the AI. You can cut it down to two exchanges for the necessary information. Make every response hit Lexi like a pile of bricks. Headaches, ear ringing, whatever you think its like when he remembers something someone wants forgotten.

What would increase the pressure for me is knowing why Lexi WOULDN’T want to remember. What would make him hesitate would up the current story drama. The flashback delivers it with the sister’s resistance to telling him everything. That's how I know you can deliver.

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[8/5/2026 7:20 PM] josisofer
Positive Critique: Your sense of pacing is breakneck. This is hard to accomplish in such a dense environment. Well done.

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[8/5/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer
Question: Why did you want this chapter critiqued considering most of us probably haven’t read the story up until this point?

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[8/5/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer
DONE


[8/5/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
Okay before I go, is there anyone else who'd like to provide feedback?


[8/5/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst
Okay -- Best Lines: “Sometimes, you are Aleksandr. Sometimes, you are Aleksej.
Sometimes, you remember. Sometimes, you don’t.”

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[8/5/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst
The whole first act in two lines

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[8/5/2026 7:22 PM] lcdouglass
Good question - I'm not sure - I liked the way this chapter came full circle and is a turning point. thanks very much for your comments, @Josi Sofer I'll go back over that earlier section. In part, it comes from pantsing this piece and at that point I was pantsing it every week. I haven't gone back in to edit yet. -

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[8/5/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
“It was like hugging a nuclear reactor in human form.” <<< danger and warmth in the same package

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[8/5/2026 7:23 PM] josisofer
Totally understand, I still have to take all the feedback from my session and re-edit my critiqued Chapter 1.

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[8/5/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
Best scene - the 2078 scene at Natasha's villa -- particularly the cocoa bit

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[8/5/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
He comes to save her, we get mundane big bro with cocoa and then he violates her mind -- wtf?

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[8/5/2026 7:24 PM] lcdouglass
IKR

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[8/5/2026 7:24 PM] lcdouglass
Also he mansplains

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[8/5/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
General feedback - this is a wonderful story. There is immense worldbuilding going on - as dense as anything in Rice or Herbert or Asimov.

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[8/5/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
Critique - the format is getting in the way of the readers ability to absorb the story <<< this is 100% my opinion and others may disagree.

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[8/5/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
I would consider splitting this chapter into possibly 4 scenes or separate chapters.

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[8/5/2026 7:27 PM] lcdouglass
You mean the serial format?


[8/5/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
#1 -- the Identity part

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[8/5/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
#2 the hidden women

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[8/5/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
#3 the strigoi scene

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[8/5/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
#4 the photograph

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[8/5/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst
I mean you are asking us to eat 4 - 6,000 calorie dishes in one sitting with no time to digest in between

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[8/5/2026 7:28 PM] lcdouglass
Thanks for saying this - I considered doing that. It came from pantsing the whole section and it just grew and grew, which is why I've switched from a weekly to monthly output so I have more time to split up sections and see how things make sense.

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[8/5/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst
The world building is so dense, I need to have a break between each bit to digest it.

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[8/5/2026 7:28 PM] erisindex
Speed reading man, not always the best idea, lol

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[8/5/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer
I will respectfully disagree. The dense prose plus breakneck pacing is almost a mismatch. I felt like I was beer-bonging a Master's Degree lecture.

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[8/5/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer
and this is from someone who got similar criticism from this group.


[8/5/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
Again -- one man's opine, your mileage may vary


[8/5/2026 7:29 PM] lcdouglass
Point taken I'll try to break up the log jams.


[8/5/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/5/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
ANYONE ELSE FOR FEEDBACK?


[8/5/2026 7:30 PM] lcdouglass
Thanks very much @David T Etheredge - Inference and everyone - I'm very grateful for the comments!

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[8/5/2026 7:30 PM] josisofer
Sorry @David T Etheredge - Inference you come up with very smart stuff I happen to disagree with, I should have waited

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[8/5/2026 7:31 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I do agree with David, though. As a reader, you get engaged emotionally, and then you need a minute..then you can go again. Worth trying and seeing how that feels to you

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[8/5/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
Thank you @𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬! Now we are off to the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 where drinks are being served! 🙂

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[8/5/2026 7:31 PM] lcdouglass
Great thank you @VesperLRayne and everyone! Drinks on the house.

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[8/5/2026 8:27 PM] yamamoto6008
I just got home and time to read. Great piece and prose.

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[8/5/2026 8:28 PM] yamamoto6008
**Favorite line:** He stumbled on these final words, as though they had been rehearsed in front of a mirror many times. He drew away, eyes blazing.
**Favorite scene:** Dialogue with Tashka after strigoi fight. 
**Question: **Were vampires made through scientific advancements or virus or else?


[8/5/2026 8:28 PM] yamamoto6008
I had some very minor comments at the start of the piece, but as I went further the piece answered that for me.


[8/5/2026 8:29 PM] yamamoto6008
So, really, no criticism.

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[8/5/2026 8:34 PM] modhob
Great question!

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[8/5/2026 9:43 PM] gonzpaoli
Sorry I missed the live chat! I'm gonna come back to leave my thoughts as soon as I can 😁😁

... A *42 minute audio??*  😮 😮

*"That's gotta be some kind of record."* - Jack O'Neill

😅

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[8/7/2026 1:04 PM] lcdouglass
Hi @Kostia Dmytriiev thanks for your comments! The vampires were created through a medical treatment, rather than the usual neck bite, although those types are floating around too in the novel.


[8/7/2026 1:05 PM] lcdouglass
Hi @Gonz love the stargate - ha i was researching those about a month ago. Thanks for any thoughts you may have later.

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[8/10/2026 7:56 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Read! late. sorry. I agree with the rest of the feedback. This was dense and a lot to read all in one go. The pacing was a bit brutal on my ADHD. There's a bit of looping back/repetition that could be cut- like the pendant.
 "He had missed something, or had not understood it, when he had probed that photograph after saving Natasha from the strigoi.

The pendant that Linka had worn in the photograph in 2032, that he had bent time and space to find in 2078, had a crane with its leg raised. He hadn’t recognized it then.

He certainly recognized it now." 
Could have been three sentences and moved forward a bit easier. "He had missed something. That pendant. The one Linka had worn -- the one he had bent time and space for -- he recognized it now." The room you're building is good, just need to let people step into it.


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