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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-10-26-logan-raith
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[7/31/2026 2:32 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith story link please!


[8/9/2026 8:56 PM] loganraith
https://loganraith.substack.com/publish/post/210437938

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https://loganraith.substack.com/publish/post/210437938
Scapegoat - No. 1
Cold Feet: Chapter One
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/qUy-WcfuOT3xLz2CP3WysM-CTi1HQx7VTWaELgBWi7E/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21VGrt%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Fe1c4449e-c64c-4f38-8711-2b20749e7a61_2912x2096.jpeg

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[8/9/2026 9:02 PM] loganraith
I changed it. Sorry if anyone pre-read Alice chapter one! I think most have read some of Spirits at this point, so I figured I'd try to get some feedback on Scapegoat.

Noah was raised in a fundamentalist prepper home--on a ranch in the ponderosa pines of Northern Arizona. By the time he turned 18, he knew he no longer shared the faith of his family, or belief in the supernatural at all, and the tension drove him away. He landed in Devil's Corner, CA (Spirits) where he met a girl from a family of monster hunters. An instant return on his personal search for truth.

The novel I'm working on covers that territory and takes Noah through an Innsmouth in NorCal situation. This five-part serial follows Noah after the events of the novel.

I hope you guys dig it.

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[8/10/2026 6:06 PM] starcryst
@everyone join us at 7pm EST for Logan Raith's 2nd round in the Write Club Wring. If you are up for a little promotional work, click on the link below and restack along with a note inviting all your friends! Thank you.

https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-312178413

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https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-312178413
David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge)
Tonight at Write Club we get a second barrel from the gun of @Logan Raith with his newest Serial - Scapegoat! 

Read Chapter 1 below and join us at http://writeclub.chat at 7pm EST tonight to discuss the story and provide constructive feedback. 

https://loganraith.substack.com/p/scapegoat-no-1
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/shZjrCVeKNMi62zivMWR_Sbgy7Q0MeF_CJi5P5gibns/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%216_So%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F4fac63d4-b9c1-41f5-b8a2-8ed6c61479a3_1367x777.png


[8/10/2026 6:14 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
Logan, I cannot make it today, but I can come back later with my feedback.. have a great time everyone! ❤️

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[8/10/2026 6:20 PM] .revanarchy
So its a sequel, post script, to a as of yet unseen novel about cosmic horrors in norcal?

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[8/10/2026 6:26 PM] loganraith
lol. No context needed for this read. It’s like dropping into a monster-of-the-week episode of Supernatural or X-Files. 

I wrote this for a short story competition that I didn’t know about until like 2 days before the deadline. It had to be a standalone with no prior knowledge. I’ve been polishing it for the serial

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[8/10/2026 6:27 PM] gonzpaoli
I'm sitting in the car and starting to listen to the story now Logan! But I'll be shopping, so I'm not sure if I'll make it to the live chat. If I don't, I'll drop in later with my thoughts for sure 🙌🏼

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[8/10/2026 6:48 PM] somedesertrat
I'll drop mine in here once I'm done cooling off. Nothing like having to mow a damn jungle in 105 (freedom Units) degree weather

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[8/10/2026 6:53 PM] .revanarchy
Lots of us promising to drop off later. I sadly must do the same.

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[8/10/2026 6:55 PM] loganraith
I suppose I earned the late drops for so often dropping lately myself... the bathroom humor is intended.


[8/10/2026 6:59 PM] erisindex
T-minus one minute and counting.


[8/10/2026 6:59 PM] josisofer
Don't worry, you have me live

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[8/10/2026 7:00 PM] loganraith
As long as Eris and Josi are here, it's a party.

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[8/10/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/spin-present-mic

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Present Mic Spinning
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/FtLPmx2Pzml4v7GmAt99GGjHMNWT36gqXuGo3OxWuzI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/c3a19a0b747a76e98651f2b9a3cca5ff/80/ae/hFIJqnjB.webp

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[8/10/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/safuu-22

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https://klipy.com/gifs/safuu-22
Man with Leaves and Safuu Logo
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/Frnew4MEUDXBPhPt_gNnzJtNJqHewSyBPg541yFTtDY/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/5b/ff/5EZLid3O.webp

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[8/10/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
@everyone it's time for WRITE CLUB, now with 100% MORE GOATS

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[8/10/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
If you are new to Write Club here is the format for tonight's event:

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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1531790432839794729/1536509799976407160/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f783&is=6ab7a603&hm=d0b86a588092d6de347e1137a33c91168b553af3d2eb2e39bf54b19e7b194158&


[8/10/2026 7:01 PM] gonzpaoli
Mine is literally my circumstances today 😢


[8/10/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith what severity of critique would you prefer this evening? One Ward or Three Wards?

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[8/10/2026 7:02 PM] loganraith
FULL FRONTAL. Hit me!

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[8/10/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/slap-13645

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https://klipy.com/gifs/slap-13645
Dave Chappelle Slap Scene
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/GNnGEE4YPsXzwmXxdzSpVd9TwlWQXN_WDWbvrmKnsxY/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4e7bea9f7a3371424e6c16ebc93252fe/e2/6f/dwubhSEroIak5StH.webp

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[8/10/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
All righty then. Everyone who is ready to Scrape Logan's Goat, Raise your Hands!

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[8/10/2026 7:03 PM] erisindex
That sounded terrible.

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[8/10/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer
It sounded dirty


[8/10/2026 7:03 PM] snowpuppie
👋


[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst
@Lisa N Snowe GO!


[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer
👋

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[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
✋

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[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex
👋

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[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] sassandsage_
👋

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[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst
And don't forget to say DONE when you are done!


[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] snowpuppie
Oh geeze, I wasn't reading ... Now I'm sitting here with my head on my desk. 😆


[8/10/2026 7:04 PM] meganmarrow_40655
👋

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[8/10/2026 7:05 PM] snowpuppie
Ok first off, loved this story! So very visceral and palpable.

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[8/10/2026 7:05 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite Line: "The sky was lost above the frozen onslaught." In just a few well-chosen words, you crystallized an enormous portion of the setting and the emotional/psychological atmosphere for the remainder of this chapter. For example, having emotionally onboarded this foreboding reality, the sense of unease I experienced reading the [already] great description of the eerie church was heightened. So was the tension with Ivana at the door. Loved it. ❤️

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[8/10/2026 7:05 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite Scene: The church passage. Usually, wanderers stumbling through a roaring winter storm would find relief in spotting the golden glow of a church. But not here: 

"It looked like a Catholic church based on the architecture. An eerie amber and gold glow shone through the stained glass. Cold stone monoliths beyond the fence caught the light. Gravestones." 

/pulls covers up to her chin. 

I am convinced the church has a larger part to play in this story, especially coupled with the opening Baptism scene. 

Consider me intrigued!

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[8/10/2026 7:06 PM] snowpuppie
Critique: I was a little confused about what your protagonist saw/experienced when confronting the monstrosity. In my mind's eye, I saw a look of surprise on some sort of "face" (which was located in the crotch area), but, I didn't have enough to grasp onto otherwise to get a good mental picture besides it also being furry, and so that scene was a bit of a blank spot for me in my visual brain. As a result, the "..if I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever stop," line landed a little hollow. It came across more like a lecture instead of an intense emotional reaction, which I don't think was your intent.

Which reminds me, I say "your protagonist" instead of he/him because I was picturing this person as a female in my head for the entire story, until he said his name at the end. I went back through it to see if I missed anything specific, but I did  not. The only sense we get for your character is from an interior perspective. I'm not sure if this was on purpose or not, but it snapped me out of the narrative for a moment when I realized at the very end, the "she" I was getting to know was actually a "he" and that messed with the tension effect the wards and the ending should have had on me (and it's a wonderful hook, too).

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[8/10/2026 7:06 PM] msadventurouspurple
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[8/10/2026 7:06 PM] snowpuppie
Question: What ARE these things and where IS their face? XD


[8/10/2026 7:06 PM] snowpuppie
DONE!


[8/10/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
@Josi Sofer GO!


[8/10/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer
Favorite Scene: When Noah fights the deadly pants behind the theater.

“I  tracked the homicidal leg monster behind a community theater during a production of Little Shop of Horrors. It had been on the verge of trampling a stoned actor to death. “

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[8/10/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
You made me laugh that it was the actor playing Seymour getting pants-stomped.

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[8/10/2026 7:07 PM] lcdouglass
🖐️

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[8/10/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
Favorite Lines: 

“But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its… crotch?”

Perfect joke, peppered in lightly, you don’t try to let it linger. Good call.

AND

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[8/10/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
“The recliner was comfortable, despite worn upholstery. Pastel blue walls held framed pictures of old people when they were much younger, and young people who looked older than they should.”

Succinct description that plants me in that chair perfectly.

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[8/10/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
AND

“Three wards.

Against what?”

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[8/10/2026 7:08 PM] josisofer
I love doing this when I can figure out how, and I love when other people do it. Last line twists, leave the tension, forcing us to click on the next chapter. If anyone needs to learn how to end a chapter, read this story again, because Logan knows how to drive you into reading the next chapter/book/part.

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[8/10/2026 7:08 PM] josisofer
Critique: 

“I cringed when the machete fell, and if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” 

I don’t know what you were trying to do here, but it came across as vague.

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[8/10/2026 7:08 PM] josisofer
AND
 Right after the chair description, you follow up with:

“*The wood floors* (give me a little more) …

were covered in old rugs (tell me anything about these rugs).


[8/10/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer
Knick-knacks decorated pretty much every surface—wooden faeries and goblins and *things I didn’t recognize* (give us one a short description of how he emotionally reactions to the things he doesn’t recognize).”

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[8/10/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer
Easy example: wooden fairies and goblins and things I didn’t recognize and avoided lingering on.

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[8/10/2026 7:09 PM] loganraith
The cringe Noah experienced was probably a uniquely male one. Not that ladies don't feel discomfort at the idea of being kicked in the crotch, but there's a special kind of discomfort we can feel when someone even mentions walking on a fence and falling onto your junk, blacking out... (true story of little Logan). So, the implication is he chopped it down the middle. But I think I can make that more clear.

Same with the sex of the prot! Great feedback!

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[8/10/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer
Positive critique: As per usual, you kept it short and sweet and annoyingly incomplete. As I reader, I hate you.

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[8/10/2026 7:10 PM] josisofer
Which means as a writer, I congratulate you.

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[8/10/2026 7:10 PM] josisofer
Question: Are you trying to unseat R.L. Stine, or Stephen King with this level of creepy stuff?

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[8/10/2026 7:10 PM] t_r3xxx
👋

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[8/10/2026 7:10 PM] josisofer
DONE


[8/10/2026 7:10 PM] starcryst
@lauriemacNorCal GO!


[8/10/2026 7:10 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite line: “I found it up in Volcano, a mining town from the mid-19th century that never left . .  .”

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[8/10/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite moment: The baptism of the monster, even if I have no clue (yet) of what. is going on.

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[8/10/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Criticism: Oddly, it’s the latter part of my favorite line: I found it up in Volcano, a mining town from the mid-19th century that never left, just before the sky was supposed to drop a foot of snow, so I had to work fast.

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[8/10/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
General feedback: I frickin’ love this. Definite Witcher vibe but funnier. I will definitely be reading this serial!

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[8/10/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Question: Do you live in the Central Valley?
(done)


[8/10/2026 7:11 PM] loganraith
That's two strikes against that line from two writers I trust, so I guess I know where the machete's going next...

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[8/10/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index GO!


[8/10/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex
Favorite lines: 

–According to blurry video footage, they’re basically big white pairs of pants that waddle around on people’s lawns at night getting internet-famous, and not much else.--

Are there words needed for why? Naaa.

😭 You said waddle…

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[8/10/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex
–Leafy oaks and prickly conifers flanked me on all sides as I wound my way up the mountain roads, following its murderous trail.--

This imagery… I really, REALLY enjoyed it. I want to switch places with him, monsters and all, because it's hot over here. Also, one line and a whole world of imagery. I’m a tree baby, and you had me at trees.

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[8/10/2026 7:13 PM] erisindex
–I didn’t have the first clue how to kill one, so I dropped a mag into it and barely managed to get its attention. But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its… crotch?--

Where in the hell are you getting these ideas? I want some of your idea juice. 🙌💡 This had me freaking dying. Hilarious. My imagination is always on another level, but your writing had a whole movie playing in my head. I guess the pants from the Ya-Ya Sisterhood finally snapped and chose violence

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[8/10/2026 7:13 PM] loganraith
Sure, that's a respectable and achievable goal!

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[8/10/2026 7:13 PM] erisindex
Favorite scenes: 

The catholic church with the amber and gold glow. The imagery was so good I wanted to whistle, and I don't even whistle. Well, sometimes. It deserved a whistle. 

When she says, “I'll put the kettle on,” and then there's a fire burning in the hearth, I immediately got serious Benjamin Button boarding-house vibes, except with goblins and supernatural stuff on the wall. So cozy. Perfect imagery. Then the rug gets yanked out from under us with the kitchen knife in doorl???? Gashes in the wood? A freaking stake. Garlic. 

Yeah, loved this whole turn. You guys have to stop writing all of this excellent crap because I'm overloaded. Kidding, kidding. I need these in my life.

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[8/10/2026 7:13 PM] erisindex
Criticism: I really don’t have any. Overall, this one was super fun to read. I had a BLAST with it and the imagery. I’d love to see a picture, AI or not, of maybe a scene with these mysterious pants in it. Maybe a mid-murder scene. Haha, it would be epic.

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[8/10/2026 7:14 PM] erisindex
For some reason, I'm blind to criticism with David and Logan's writing.

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[8/10/2026 7:14 PM] erisindex
Question: Does Noah recognize the actual type of wards or just that they are wards in general? I’m wondering: does he know what the deal is in this creepy-cozy place? 

DONE.


[8/10/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst
@Wendy long time listener, first time caller: GO!

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[8/10/2026 7:14 PM] sassandsage_
Ok, homicidal trousers. You had me at homicidal trousers. 😂

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[8/10/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst
Your check is in the mail

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[8/10/2026 7:15 PM] sassandsage_
Favourite line is probably: "But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its... crotch?"

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[8/10/2026 7:15 PM] loganraith
Google "Fresno Nightcrawler" and you'll find that I'm nowhere near the creative genius you took me for. lol

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[8/10/2026 7:15 PM] sassandsage_
What really worked for me was Noah's voice. He's funny without feeling like he's performing funny for us, and somehow the ridiculousness of the Nightcrawler makes the genuinely horrible stuff more unsettling rather than less. By the time he gets to the B&B I already trust him as my way into this world.

I also really loved the ending. Knife in the door. Stake in the wall. Garlic. Three wards. Against what? Yeah, you bastard. I'm reading the next one.

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[8/10/2026 7:15 PM] josisofer
Everything I use is sourced too, its what you do with it.

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[8/10/2026 7:16 PM] sassandsage_
The one place I wasn't quite as sold (but this is just minor) was actually the baptism opening. Once we got to "I'd been working a Fresno Nightcrawlers case..." I was immediately in, and I think I was more hooked by Noah and the homicidal pants than I was by the flash-forward. So I'm curious whether the baptism scene earns that position as we go.

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[8/10/2026 7:16 PM] sassandsage_
Overall, I loved this.


[8/10/2026 7:16 PM] sassandsage_
DONE


[8/10/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
@MEGAN MARROW GO!


[8/10/2026 7:16 PM] loganraith
He doesn't yet. Other than the obvious stuff: stakes and garlic for vampires. But the knife in the door is a new one for him.

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[8/10/2026 7:17 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Okay, I’m back guys.

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[8/10/2026 7:17 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Fav scene:

I tracked the homicidal leg monster behind a community theater during a production of Little Shop of Horrors. It had been on the verge of trampling a stoned actor to death. 
I didn’t have the first clue how to kill one, so I dropped a mag into it and barely managed to get its attention. But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its… crotch? I cringed when the machete fell, and if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
Seymour was as grateful as he was hysterical. Offered me money and front row tickets. And weed

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[8/10/2026 7:17 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I love little shop of horrors so this was super visual for me

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[8/10/2026 7:17 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Nerdy Seymour with his glasses

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[8/10/2026 7:17 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Crying being pummeled by some pant monster

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[8/10/2026 7:18 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Criticism: maybe it was my attention span, but I found the shape of it was hard to follow. Initially we are drowning some disgusting wet, hairy monster. Then we’re tracking a pair of pants monster? The jump felt abrupt and threw me. Because one scene felt dirty and dangerous and Witcher like and the other felt comical can absurd. And the end was a different vibe all together.


[8/10/2026 7:18 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I had to read it a couple of times to make sure I understood what was happening.

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[8/10/2026 7:19 PM] loganraith
We shall see! (fingers crossed emoji)

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[8/10/2026 7:19 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I love the ending! I was suddenly into it and anchored with the setting and the interesting lady. It leaves me wanting more. To know more so I love that.

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[8/10/2026 7:19 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Done


[8/10/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
@TheFictionForager GO!


[8/10/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
@TheFictionForager 2nd call!


[8/10/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer
I see her in the Offline column


[8/10/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
Okay we'll come back to her -- @𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 GO!


[8/10/2026 7:21 PM] lcdouglass
Fav  line - I liked 'The drive back down the mountain had gotten more and more precarious as my world melted from green, brown, and gray into stark, relentless white, and then I was stuck.' That's a really well done progression without saying 'I drove.' In general, I really enjoyed your use of details to outline action instead of describing things in a boring way. Also, when the narrator did not describe things and left them to the reader's imagination - especially in the B and B at the end. Best moment: three wards against what?

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[8/10/2026 7:22 PM] lcdouglass
Only point where I really stumbled was with the transition from the baptism at the start to the White Pants section. Oddly I didn't find the homicidal white pants weird at all LOL

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[8/10/2026 7:22 PM] msadventurouspurple
Sry my WiFi decided to be dramatic & disconnected 😅

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[8/10/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer
*Takes notes* Party with @𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬

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[8/10/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
You are back in Q and next after LC 🙂

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[8/10/2026 7:23 PM] lcdouglass
Small suggestion: because you're using a lot of detail to describe how action unfolds it might be helpful to use that technique to introduce us to Noah a bit more. I thought of the opening of the film, 1408

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[8/10/2026 7:23 PM] loganraith
Oooh, I need to watch that.


[8/10/2026 7:24 PM] loganraith
Wait... the one with John Cusack?


[8/10/2026 7:24 PM] lcdouglass
Yeah. Where there is this fantastic build up and setting with details - the book he wrote in the past, the hotel manager who doesn't want him to stay.... it is phenomenally successful at 1. introducing us to the character 2. setting up the action


[8/10/2026 7:24 PM] lcdouglass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkicjk5fhxk

{Embed}
Cult Classics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkicjk5fhxk
1408 Full Movie 2007 | Theatrical Cut | John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson
1408 Full Movie 2007 | Theatrical Cut | John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson

A man who specializes in debunking paranormal occurrences checks into the fabled room 1408 in the Dolphin Hotel. As he settles in, he confronts genuine terror.

Release date: June 22, 2007

Director: Mikael Håfström
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/LYeiC3cQeagGBjPGkL3AxsyneM9gmU6u-TkIBQhff3s/https/i.ytimg.com/vi/jkicjk5fhxk/maxresdefault.jpg


[8/10/2026 7:25 PM] loganraith
Loved that one. I'll give it a rewatch. You're saying to use similar tactics to intro Noah?


[8/10/2026 7:26 PM] lcdouglass
I have watched a lot of horror films just for the set ups at the start because a huge amount of fear comes from the precise moment where the character goes off course from the so called normal world. Just a thought that because you're so good with detail you could add a scene in there that helps us to know Noah at the start. Why is he hunting down these white pants things? Why the baptism? DONE

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[8/10/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
@TheFictionForager GO - Part 2

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[8/10/2026 7:26 PM] msadventurouspurple
Favorite line
“But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its… crotch? “

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[8/10/2026 7:27 PM] msadventurouspurple
The murderous pants are hilarious.

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[8/10/2026 7:27 PM] msadventurouspurple
Critique: I’m curious about the beginning scene but I’m having trouble connecting it to the rest of the story. I’m more confused than hooked. (I think it works as a beginning it just needs some sort of connective tissue)

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[8/10/2026 7:27 PM] msadventurouspurple
Done


[8/10/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
GO@terence

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[8/10/2026 7:28 PM] t_r3xxx
Favorite line: Pastel blue walls held framed pictures of old people when they were much younger, and young people who looked older than they should.

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[8/10/2026 7:28 PM] t_r3xxx
I'm going to be pretty boring today -- no notes! I'm in. The story moved at a good clip. The imagery and the protagonist's voice were very well done. You're writing feels effortlessly propulsive which is very hard to pull off.

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[8/10/2026 7:28 PM] loganraith
Seems like that's a common concern. Maybe it's a symptom of this being a single short story originally... You'd read it from the baptism all the way back to the baptism. So the sacrament as bookends. Worth a rethink.

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[8/10/2026 7:29 PM] t_r3xxx
Loved the killer pants. I'm looking forward to more! Great job.

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[8/10/2026 7:29 PM] t_r3xxx
Ok, one note: echoing @𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 douglas,  I'd love to have something -- even just a line or two -- that gives us more of a sense of who Noah is.

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[8/10/2026 7:29 PM] t_r3xxx
And one formatting note: add a more prominent divider at the end of the "teaser" scene. On dark mode, it's hard to see.

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[8/10/2026 7:29 PM] loganraith
Thanks!


[8/10/2026 7:29 PM] t_r3xxx
Question: who did the chapter artwork? Very cool.

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[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] t_r3xxx
DONE


[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
Okay while I GO -- if you are a-Lurking and you want to join in the fun get your handses up


[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] loganraith
TRUE! I need to look up how people do custom dividers.


[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
Best Line(s) - 

 Pastel blue walls held framed pictures of old people when they were much younger, and young people who looked older than they should. <<< fucking love this turn of phrase. Nice!

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[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] msadventurouspurple
I think the bookends would definitely help but I think it would still benefit from something. Maybe even just a line in between the two sections

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[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
According to blurry video footage, they’re basically big white pairs of pants that waddle around on people’s lawns at night getting internet-famous, and not much else. <<< FRESNO NIGHTCRAWLERS. AWESOME

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[8/10/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
CCTV caught a pair of rogue trousers shuffling into the shadows. <<< see pantsers are dangerous...

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[8/10/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
Seymour was as grateful as he was hysterical. Offered me money and front row tickets. And weed. I assured him I didn’t need anything. <<< hysterical for us theatre kids  

Seymour thought the worst thing he'd seen was man-eating plants, not man-beating pants. 

Also, DUDE TAKE THE WEED.

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[8/10/2026 7:31 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Who you calling dangerous?!?

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[8/10/2026 7:31 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/evil-haha-2

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https://klipy.com/gifs/evil-haha-2
Bob's Burgers: Evil Laugh
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/x1z1GCFGfMrYo8xpNW-bke-sp3l671ZJwKGOk2qjxUE/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e293a233a303a98e471f78d04e13a1b0/e2/34/kpTRCTGI.webp


[8/10/2026 7:31 PM] josisofer
Fear me, the pantser!

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[8/10/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
Best Scene - 

Baptism.

Symbolic of new life. You go under one thing and emerge another.

At least that’s the idea. But what if the thing being baptized is an undead horror that kills by proximity and the one doing the baptizing is an apostate monster hunter with cold feet? <<< Brilliant cold open to the story.

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[8/10/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
I am the contrarian -- I loved the cold open

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[8/10/2026 7:32 PM] loganraith
Then I'm not changing a thing! lol

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[8/10/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
Critique - I'm getting south western vibes from this guy and then: 

And the darkness was thick as chowder. <<< new england? Also this line interrupts two lines that go next to each other (blankets of ivory >>> trudging down hill) maybe move or lose the soup line?

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[8/10/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
The place was welcoming aside from the ancient kitchen knife embedded in the inside of the front door. I clocked at least a dozen more gashes in the wood with the same dimensions. Next to the door, a stake was driven, at an angle, deep into the wall. Plaster cracked around it. It held up a string of garlic. 

<<< this sequence caused me to reread it a couple of times. I would like the three wards to be easier to parse so that the end (which rocks) isn't bogged down by me trying to understand what's happening in this paragraph.

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[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] loganraith
I was already shaky on keeping that line. Where's my machete...

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[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] xenonsteem
👋🏼

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[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
General Feedback - I LOVE this. I am hooked and ready for the completion of my Baptism sir.

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[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] snowpuppie
i actually really liked this line - i thought it was a fantastic visual. But, I'm from New England, so that might be why I did and my TX southern husband did not. XD

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[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] somedesertrat
👋

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[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
@Ian J Snow GO!


[8/10/2026 7:33 PM] xenonsteem
Sorry I'm late. 😁


[8/10/2026 7:34 PM] xenonsteem
Criticism first: Ditch the intro. Everything before the ‘Share’ button. 
Also, watch repetitive phrasing, eg. “it had murdered its way almost all the way to Sacramento.”
Where did Seymour come from? Don't drop the name if nobody's been introduced.
Too poetic for the overall tone:”The sky was lost above the frozen onslaught.”

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[8/10/2026 7:34 PM] loganraith
I think this one's a five-parter (which seems like the sweet spot for serials based on my longer ones getting less and less reads).

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[8/10/2026 7:34 PM] xenonsteem
Favorite line: 
Pastel blue walls held framed pictures of old people when they were much younger, and young people who looked older than they should.

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[8/10/2026 7:34 PM] erisindex
Damn, I loved that line. Darkness as thick as chowder? Creepy AF. I'm not going near the dark with a ten foot pole if its chowder-like, lol.

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[8/10/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
Naw -- 5 parts isn't enough for the Netflix tv series deal


[8/10/2026 7:35 PM] xenonsteem
I was going to flag it as a problem, but it's just too good.


[8/10/2026 7:35 PM] xenonsteem
Fun, fun, fun. I felt like I got dropped into a classic LucasArts graphic adventure from the 90s or a really twisted Wallace and Gromit story. 😁

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[8/10/2026 7:35 PM] xenonsteem
DONE


[8/10/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
@Carl Price GO!


[8/10/2026 7:35 PM] somedesertrat
General Feedback: Gives me a Larry Correia Monster Hunter International vibe at first read, but with less emphasis on the gunporn and more on the environment.

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[8/10/2026 7:36 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Line: *'But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its… crotch?'* Just picturing one of the wibbly wobbly little Fresno Nightcrawlers not only ready to dance a jig on some stoner's dome, but pulling an OH SHIT look from the only thing close to a face it cold have (c'mon, you picture the pockets as eyes)...

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[8/10/2026 7:36 PM] somedesertrat
DONE (only because I baked my brain in the heat)

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[8/10/2026 7:36 PM] loganraith
I have an entire novel following Noah as he leaves the ranch and heads west to Devil's Corner (where Spirits takes place). That's where he gets into the biz 🙂

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[8/10/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
Drink some gatorade man

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[8/10/2026 7:37 PM] somedesertrat
Already did

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[8/10/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith Do you have a benediction for the room before we say Amen?

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[8/10/2026 7:38 PM] erisindex
Amen. Time to drink.

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[8/10/2026 7:38 PM] loganraith
This comment make me snort!

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[8/10/2026 7:38 PM] starcryst
AMEN and PASS THE MOONSHINE GRANDMA!

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[8/10/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
Snort... burgers perhaps?


[8/10/2026 7:38 PM] loganraith
I'm reading the third book now! I really like that series, but he's WAY more versed on firearms than me.

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[8/10/2026 7:39 PM] starcryst
Final words before I stake this chat in the heart??


[8/10/2026 7:39 PM] loganraith
Well...


[8/10/2026 7:39 PM] xenonsteem
Check your fly. It might be murderous.

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[8/10/2026 7:40 PM] loganraith
Thank you all for showing up! It's a little anxiety inducing being in the chair, but I love it! Every comment either made me smile, laugh, or think about revision. Well done!

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[8/10/2026 7:40 PM] somedesertrat
One of these days (like once my debut gets back from the editor and I get the cover and marketing and all that jazz done) I'll be making it a point to get a seat near him at one of the cons... and maybe try to muscle in on his and Jim's D&D games.

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[8/10/2026 7:41 PM] loganraith
Jim who?


[8/10/2026 7:41 PM] starcryst
OKAY - everyone grab your goats and head to the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 where the hoerdevres are definitely not goatdevres...

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[8/10/2026 7:41 PM] somedesertrat
Jim Butcher


[8/10/2026 7:41 PM] loganraith
That's what I thought you were going to say! Save me a seat! I read both of those guys.


[8/10/2026 7:42 PM] somedesertrat
-# With a handle that has 'Raith' as part of it, I suspected 😉

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[8/10/2026 8:05 PM] gonzpaoli
Nicely done btw lol


[8/10/2026 8:07 PM] gonzpaoli
Alright @Logan Raith you asked for Full Frontal™️ 

So here we go:

**Favourite moment:**
 
The baptism. Hands down. 
 
The premise alone hooked me immediately: this hideous monster being baptized, and the person doing it is a friggin' *monster hunter.* We’ve seen religious horror before—*The Exorcist,* obviously—but that specific combination felt fresh.
 
And once you establish that if he doesn’t truly mean the words, and if the baptism doesn’t take, it could be the end of *both* of them... I was completely in. I wanted to see how the hell this was going to play out.


[8/10/2026 8:07 PM] gonzpaoli
**Favourite line:**
 
> Pastel blue walls held framed pictures of old people when they were much younger...
 
I really liked this. “Old people” already gives you one mental image, and then “when they were much younger” immediately flips it into something much more specific. You instantly know exactly what kind of pictures you're looking at.


[8/10/2026 8:07 PM] gonzpaoli
**Criticism:**
 
- My biggest criticism is the lack of follow-through on that opening promise. The baptism scene raises the stakes *so high,* but then the rest of the chapter slows down considerably and seems to follow a different monster entirely. I kept waiting for the story to lead us back to that scene.
 
I understand this is probably the first chapter of something longer, but instead of being left with a good cliffhanger, I was left thinking, *Wait... that's it?* I was fully expecting, even in this first chapter, to at least get to the baptism scene. You could have even ended almost on the same cliffhanger of, *will this baptism take,* by just adding one more small complication during that struggle. And that would have made me desperate to read Chapter Two. That would have been a spectacular ending and would have me asking, *When do we get Chapter Two?*
 
- One smaller nitpick: because I listened to the audio first, I didn't immediately realize there had been a time jump. Without the visual separator, it initially sounded like he was briefly remembering or describing something while wrestling the creature. A simple “X hours earlier” or “X days earlier” would make that transition instantly clear for audio listeners.


[8/10/2026 8:08 PM] gonzpaoli
**General Thoughts**
 
All in all, this is a very interesting world. These people clearly know about the monsters and the magic already, just from the way the woman greets the monster hunter, and that definitely makes me want to know more.
 
That said, I was much more invested in the *Spirits* story when I read it than I was with this one. And I say that with love, because I know you can twist the knife better than this 😁
 
I think I saw you mention that this was written pretty quickly and has been getting polished since, and I honestly think you can push the intrigue and suspense much harder. I wasn't left desperate for Part Two in the way I wanted to be.
 
But the world itself is interesting, and I've already seen that you're capable of stronger suspense, so I do want to keep reading. I just think this opening can hook the reader much harder.

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[8/10/2026 8:09 PM] gonzpaoli
If you promise to get me to the baptism for part 2 then I'm in! 😂

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[8/10/2026 8:36 PM] loganraith
Thanks for the feedback, man. Appreciate it! And yes, I know about the knife-twisting. LOL. 

This was written as a 6k word short story, so the baptism coming in chapter two isn’t possible. Maybe wait till all four of the next chapters are posted 🙂

I guarantee, the payoff is worth it, but the setup wound be super rushed if I jumped right to it. Everyone would be scratching their heads wondering how we got there.

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[8/10/2026 8:40 PM] gonzpaoli
https://klipy.com/gifs/the-simpsons-barny-gumble

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https://klipy.com/gifs/the-simpsons-barny-gumble
The Simpsons: Homer & Barney's Upside-Down Deal
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/Lu6n7_OPnlydFbvla_JMCzLdO8wirRNOjTqxlxIo6Q0/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/c9/86/io6oTVSZ.webp

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[8/10/2026 9:42 PM] .revanarchy
Favorite line: Probably the one about the crotch showing fear... although some of the ending lines with the kitchen knife, stake, and garlic by or in the door were pretty fantastic.

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[8/10/2026 9:43 PM] .revanarchy
Favorite Scene: I can feel that kind of snow. I miss that kind of snow. Although when you said it was thick as chowder, it made me suddenly wonder where he was from. Chowder doesn't feel very southwest-y.

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[8/10/2026 9:46 PM] .revanarchy
Criticism: I know exactly what a Fresno Nightcrawler is. But maybe a brief something for the reader who isn't you or me? I think we get there that its an animate set of pants, but I feel it needs a bit more introduction. I dont know. Im bad about that shit too. (Its a wendigo... you know, a wendigo.)

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[8/10/2026 9:47 PM] .revanarchy
Question: What's your release schedule look like for getting the other parts out there?

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[8/10/2026 10:01 PM] loganraith
Thanks so much for the feedback! Great stuff. I agree the Fresno Nightcrawler intro could be more helpful for the uninitiated. I loved the “It’s a wendigo… you know, a wendigo,” comment. I feel that way a lot. lol.

This is dropping every Sunday for the next four weeks (unless I expand it more than I’m expecting). After that, San Demonio (which should make @Eris Index happy).

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[8/11/2026 4:24 AM] hellerbard_36669
Hey @Logan Raith , sorry wasn't able to jump in live, but here's my feedback- hope you'll find it helpful!

**FAVOURITE LINE:**

“I didn’t have the first clue how to kill one, so I dropped a mag into it and barely managed to get its attention. But when the machete came out, I could discern fear on its… crotch? I cringed when the machete fell, and if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”
I love the ambiguity here. Did he cringe because he ultimately had to attack the only real vital point on a pair of pants- the crotch- and because he’s a dude? Or because the idea of going into mortal combat with a pair of animate slacks is just so embarrassing that he doesn’t even want it on his kill sheet? Inquiring minds want to know!

**CRITIQUE**

This is a stripped back monster hunting story which starts out with a cryptid kill that is very left of centre, which I appreciate the hell out of. Whilst I will absolutely read vampire and werewolf stories and enjoy them- never let it be said I don’t respect the classics!- I have a soft spot for any horror story that digs deeper into lore, folklore and mythology and pulls out something truly weird, or makes up a creature that is entirely original. 
The prologue works well to set up expectations for the rest of the story, hiding the full description of the second monster (due to it being held underwater) while hinting at its nature (mane, undead) Prologue is short and doesn’t overstay its welcome- a few lines and we’re right into the story at full speed.

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[8/11/2026 4:24 AM] hellerbard_36669
On that note, while the story goes along at a cracking pace, and the details are used sparingly and effectively ( taking out the pants-monster behind a local theatre production of Little Shop of Horrors, *<chef’s kiss>* to that one ) I would have liked a couple more identifying features for our protagonist. 
We know what they do (kill monsters) and how they do it (guns, machetes); we know what they know (baptism, monster weaknesses and wards) but not who they are outside of that. I didn’t even know if they were a man or a woman until they said their name out loud in the old lady’s parlour. Not that that matters one whit regarding their monster-slaying skills, of course!
Now, any additional backstory here or pointless descriptions of their wardrobe ( I’m looking at you, Robert B. Parker ) would just slow it down. But some small affectation or personality quirk would go a long way. Were they snacking on pumpkin seeds as they drove through the snowy mountains prior to their car giving up the ghost? Did they hum a little Metallica as they jogged to stay warm on their way back to civilization? Did they lament the soaking of their favourite battered Nikes as they walked, slush leaking in through their well-worn soles? Was the car a rental, or a battered POS which had overstayed its welcome and its lifespan? Dropping in a brief indication of how they felt or what they thought about while struggling through the snow would work well to humanize them a little more. 

**OVERALL**

This kicks ass. It’s a masterclass in the “less-is-more” approach…I’m taking notes.
By the way, the ending of the scene suggests a more traditional monster- stakes, garlic, sharpened steel- but you don’t fool me. I’m expecting this to go sideways, and I’m here for it.

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[8/12/2026 4:50 AM] shikanokoshitantan
Just want to say this is my favourite passage: 

The recliner was comfortable, despite worn upholstery. Pastel blue walls held framed pictures of old people when they were much younger, and young people who looked older than they should. The wood floors were covered in old rugs. Knick-knacks decorated pretty much every surface—wooden faeries and goblins and things I didn’t recognize.

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[8/12/2026 4:50 AM] shikanokoshitantan
You have a way to paint the atmosphere almost immediately!

I don’t have any critique for the master. Hats off to you. 

(I’m sorry if it wasn’t helpful)

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[8/12/2026 12:20 PM] loganraith
Thanks @JacobSein_Hellerbard and @彼鹿🫎 for reading, and for the feedback! 

It’s all helpful 🙂

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[8/12/2026 12:23 PM] loganraith
And I refuse the title of master!


[8/12/2026 12:24 PM] loganraith
https://klipy.com/gifs/i-dont-deserve-that-kyle-mclusky

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https://klipy.com/gifs/i-dont-deserve-that-kyle-mclusky
Kyle Mclusky: I Don't Deserve That
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/1PTLuTGbDomWNvpsPCwW8xLgxG5ZbJl1TL6wbfNij70/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/43/6e/8ZPdBNIi.webp

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[8/12/2026 5:46 PM] hellerbard_36669


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