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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-11-26-lisa-snowpuppy
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[8/10/2026 8:17 PM] snowpuppie
https://snowpuppy.substack.com/p/cages?r=3cgaa0&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web&triedRedirect=true

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https://snowpuppy.substack.com/p/cages?r=3cgaa0&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web&triedRedirect=true
Cages
A rainy day. A coffee shop. Doors that open and shut. And a woman moves through them all.
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/jejYJ3cacgdVmoDqrXYWLmFqSXfBl1Z5aWNGnoBSE6A/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21rhoa%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Fea0fc4b7-b7b3-407f-acd0-3bcb50b449ab_1023x1537.png

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[8/11/2026 4:57 PM] .revanarchy
Just to make sure, this is tonight, Vesper is tomorrow?

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[8/11/2026 5:47 PM] sassandsage_
Hey guys! I won't be able to make it today, but is it ok if I post my thoughts later?

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[8/11/2026 5:47 PM] starcryst
@everyone Join us at 7pm tonight in this channel for Write Club. If you'd like to help promote tonight's author, click on the link below and restack! Thank you! https://substack.com/@davidtetheredge/note/c-312862600

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https://substack.com/@davidtetheredge/note/c-312862600
David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge)
Tonight at Write Club, @SnowPuppy’s psychological drama Cages is being featured. We invite all of you to read it and join us to discuss with author at 7pm EST at writeclub.chat. It’s a great group and a lot of fun for all.

https://snowpuppy.substack.com/p/cages
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/N7irurpgVTOMBj1ZBem_5FKrTI371sntAZel1yKcrSA/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%211wqX%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F7a8468b1-4080-4cb8-8c1c-1a218cdb8509_1448x1086.png

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[8/11/2026 5:47 PM] starcryst
Absolutely.

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[8/11/2026 5:47 PM] starcryst
yes indeedy


[8/11/2026 5:48 PM] sassandsage_
Awesome. I really enjoyed yesterday's session, it's such a great way to build community and flex those writing muscles!

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[8/11/2026 6:32 PM] t_r3xxx
I can’t make it tonight but will add my feedback later. Break a leg!

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[8/11/2026 6:48 PM] hellerbard_36669
Same- sorry I can't make it, @Lisa N Snowe but I'll drop some feedback as soon as I can. 🙂

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[8/11/2026 6:56 PM] von_a_o
I'll be lurking

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[8/11/2026 6:58 PM] loganraith
At work, taking notes! I’ll be on in time to participate!

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[8/11/2026 6:58 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
yes 🙂 I am tomorrow


[8/11/2026 7:00 PM] thegalacticwriter
Ready to earn my goat!!😆

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[8/11/2026 7:00 PM] thegalacticwriter
Oooh! I have one!!😀


[8/11/2026 7:00 PM] thegalacticwriter
🤣

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[8/11/2026 7:01 PM] .revanarchy
👋

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[8/11/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/mha-20

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https://klipy.com/gifs/mha-20
MHA: Present Mic & Aizawa's Studio Moment
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/aEmFDxKJK02_Tt2X2pdnwjCk8zv1W-p7EdCLuz5e3Vc/https/static.klipy.com/ii/84b4c0b02782dda9051003f9e36484ec/98/69/ZvTY97vx.webp

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[8/11/2026 7:01 PM] thegalacticwriter
👋

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[8/11/2026 7:01 PM] snowpuppie
hi hi 🙂


[8/11/2026 7:01 PM] thegalacticwriter
Hi!!!


[8/11/2026 7:01 PM] meganmarrow_40655
👋🏻

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[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat
https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei

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https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei
Akiba Maid Senso Otagei
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/CTz6JLPaOOYlE6uUgcjZ943ZqOtX7LJ6vaJtCksCOzQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/a8ada81afc59159ea5c8927feffa2e31/f3/dc/3FCsT5Zm2ooNP9AI.webp


[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
@everyone It's time for WRITE CLUB -- join us in this channel and we'll get the party started


[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] snowpuppie
https://klipy.com/gifs/misty-dance-2

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https://klipy.com/gifs/misty-dance-2
Misty's Energetic Dance with Sunglasses
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/8YPUgZkd2a8ja5u3-Y2HB5Vg3kR3XSxFkjLKf8-19To/https/static.klipy.com/ii/2711dd8a75a85be822d136ec94899b3f/83/65/JVe6n76b.webp

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[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat
👋

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[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] meganmarrow_40655
https://klipy.com/gifs/im-getting-all-riled-up-kevin-hart

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https://klipy.com/gifs/im-getting-all-riled-up-kevin-hart
Kevin Hart: I'm Getting All Riled Up in Ice Bath
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/iBz1QEm9GmA8qShQRiOAdHsgKPkEMndWPKNytGiVq_Q/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/f0/81/Z2ht86bJ.webp

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[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
✋


[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
If you are new to Write Club this is the Chat Format:

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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1531790505896317150/1536872572493369435/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f7de&is=6ab7a65e&hm=fec5442ae3a51a2563eeff1d218e24e5b54e3a932d5f7c6e0d7be0a7e454f469&

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[8/11/2026 7:02 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
https://klipy.com/gifs/mua-muah-3

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https://klipy.com/gifs/mua-muah-3
Cute Penguin Mua Muah Love
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/3R_AtSkknOR9261dzBbhYjjHgeTJR0BQ6-e8jOxahiM/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/6d/44/dVBKo0ve.webp

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[8/11/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
when you are ready to share feedback, please raise your hand and we'll go in order


[8/11/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
and don't forget when you are finished, say DONE!

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[8/11/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst
@Lisa N Snowe how strong do you want your feedback to be tonight? Decaffienated or High Test???


[8/11/2026 7:04 PM] snowpuppie
High Test, IV delivered, please.

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[8/11/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst
Okay dokey @Joshua Bader GO!


[8/11/2026 7:04 PM] .revanarchy
Favorite Line/Scene: I love the use of color in the beginning both as a way to highlight her and to show us the way they see each other. “A few thin rays of sunlight fought their way through the thick window behind him, only to be cleaved by the silver of his small hoop earring and scattered as a rainbow on a nearby wall.”

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[8/11/2026 7:05 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
👋

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[8/11/2026 7:05 PM] .revanarchy
Criticism: I really want to know what genre this is, because that would guide the advice. Is this romance, thriller, urban fantasy? Because I don't know. I would probably tailor some things to the specific genre if I had a clue what it was. Also, as I was flailing genreless, name dropping Seattle earlier in the piece would give me something to latch on to and narrow down the possibilities. Up until that point, this could have been the Kingdom of Equestria for all the setting clues I had to work with.

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[8/11/2026 7:05 PM] erisindex
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[8/11/2026 7:05 PM] .revanarchy
Question: I have some but I suspect Eris and others are going to ask them for me... since I think she already asked my big one in your comments section.
Loved it.
Done

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[8/11/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
@The Galactic Writer GO!


[8/11/2026 7:06 PM] thegalacticwriter
Hi, Lisa! I enjoyed this story so much! 

“She knew she should refuse again. But she couldn’t remember the last time anyone had wanted her to stay badly enough to argue about it.“

The was brilliant! 🤯 Left me saying “woah!”😯

“It was at that moment a small, hairline crack appeared on the surface of her carefully constructed life.”

Another clever transition!

“I can’t live a life that is a lie.” She paused, eyes still closed. She could hear that he wasn’t breathing.”

The nuances. Soooo good!😀

A couple of observations:

“She had been standing in line for coffee, her wool P-coat.” 

I think it’s peacoat.

”Sputtering with crimson embarrassment, she quickly told the clerk her story and apologized at least four times before turning abruptly and walking face first into his chest.“ 

I love this visual. “Sputtering with crimson embarrassment” I half expected a bloody scene. Maybe “Her face flushed deep crimson, sputtering her story to the clerk and apologized……”

Overall: I love your word play—I learned so much about craft from reading this. Your stories captivate, are fun to read—immersive, and I felt like I was watching a movie! Was it cathartic to write (?)🙌🏼 Well-done! 🫶

And…(DONE!)😁

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[8/11/2026 7:07 PM] snowpuppie
wow, thank you so much. I"m .. crimson from blushing. ❤️

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[8/11/2026 7:07 PM] starcryst
@MEGAN MARROW GO!


[8/11/2026 7:07 PM] snowpuppie
And yes, it was cathartic to write - i wrote the first pass a long time ago, in 2015. XD

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[8/11/2026 7:07 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Okay, I have a lot. Soo deal with it

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[8/11/2026 7:08 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Okay first of all, this piece haunted me from the get go when I first read it weeks ago. I enjoyed reading it a second time to get more into it.

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[8/11/2026 7:08 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I have like 50k fav lines. Like the whole piece

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[8/11/2026 7:08 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Fav lines:
He was tall, with an effortless, lithe bearing. His eyes, dark and deep. She knew they saw so much more than most, and for a moment she feared she was too transparent. Perhaps he had seen it. Perhaps he knew. But the moment passed and if he had, he gave no indication.

This is such a unique way to describe a tall thin man with dark eyes. I wish I could evoke a character this way

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[8/11/2026 7:09 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Another fav:
She kept her head lowered, keenly aware of the sound her blood made as it pounded in her ears. How to put this into words? How to say the thing she knew would silence those voices, those beautiful, purring things, and cause her to lose herself again


[8/11/2026 7:09 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Beautiful purring things???

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[8/11/2026 7:09 PM] meganmarrow_40655
💀

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[8/11/2026 7:09 PM] meganmarrow_40655
And this:
She knew she should refuse again. But she couldn’t remember the last time anyone had wanted her to stay badly enough to argue about it.
This one broke my heart.


[8/11/2026 7:09 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Wounded me deeply

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[8/11/2026 7:10 PM] meganmarrow_40655
And this one:
letting a stranger’s attention reorganize her entire afternoon
I don’t know why I love this concept. She’s allowing him, she’s blaming herself, we get how magnetic this man is just by this line.


[8/11/2026 7:10 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Only criticism: we don’t get her name until the middle of the sorry and it was jarring almost. Like wait who is Jane???! I think you could drop it earlier since it’s in third person.

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[8/11/2026 7:10 PM] meganmarrow_40655
It took me the second read to understand the cages title and what was really happening (or at least I hope I understood). She’s replacing her old life in the newly minted cages and let her feral woman free. As a middle age woman I identified with this feeling even if it was about running away from your family? So so so good!

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[8/11/2026 7:11 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I’ll stop fan girling now. DONE

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[8/11/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst
@Carl Price GO!


[8/11/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat
General Feedback: It's very visually striking with the language used to describe the sensory inputs. You just don't see diaphanous used that often anymore (last time I did was a L. Sprague decamp Conan novel back in the day). I actually was not expecting the way that it ended, which was a nice surprise in how it left things open to Jane's circumstances.

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[8/11/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Line: 'They were soft and diaphanous, yet demanded she open herself to them with their beautiful, hypnotic rhythms.'

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[8/11/2026 7:12 PM] somedesertrat
Constructive Criticism: 
Overall, I loved the visually-oriented adjectives that you focused on, and that made the ones that seemed off (like 'ember snowflakes') jump out even more.
With this being a more psychologically driven piece, I can understand how passively it opens, where we're just cataloguing Jane's senses, but I can see people saying that it opened slow. Don't necessarily scrap the opening three paragraphs (where I feel it's the slowest), but look into options to compress everything.
DONE

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[8/11/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst
@lauriemacNorCal GO!


[8/11/2026 7:12 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite line: His eyes reminded her of the Sound when dark clouds rolled in over the city and threatened to storm.  (I like that this can be read two ways)

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[8/11/2026 7:13 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite moment: When she freed the voices and spoke her truth

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[8/11/2026 7:13 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Criticism: Her changing for him as opposed to changing for herself rubbed me the wrong way

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[8/11/2026 7:14 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
General feedback: You have a good ear for this genre. I can see this being well-received by the romance community. Good stuff!!

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[8/11/2026 7:14 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Definitely gave me the ick, but I think that's her character

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[8/11/2026 7:14 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Question: Is this a romance or a romantasy – will we be learning soon that Michael is actually fae?
(done)

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[8/11/2026 7:14 PM] meganmarrow_40655
OMG, please!


[8/11/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst
@VesperLRayne GO!


[8/11/2026 7:15 PM] snowpuppie
Hahah! It's fiction, so no fae were PLANNED ... but I can always rework it, again. XD

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[8/11/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst
change the name to Iron Cages

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[8/11/2026 7:15 PM] meganmarrow_40655
can i get a spin off....just private DM me

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[8/11/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
@VesperLRayne ye there?


[8/11/2026 7:16 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
oh hey yes sorry


[8/11/2026 7:16 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I am here! First, yay for the eyes and the Sound and Seattle..

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[8/11/2026 7:16 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
second, I love your lyrical writing style.. you have a softness to the words and how they flow

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[8/11/2026 7:17 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
Loved the meet betwwen them, it is charming and I chuckled because I've done a few of those and in Seattle, hell yea

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[8/11/2026 7:18 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
And the ending — the wedding ring, the photos, the trash can — lands like a gut punch. That reveal recontextualizes everything and it's genuinely effective.

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[8/11/2026 7:18 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
"She knew they saw so much more than most, and for a moment she feared she was too transparent." That line. It does double work the reader doesn't even clock until the end.

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[8/11/2026 7:19 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
you probably got this already but the interiority in th emiddle gets a bit heavy? I'd try to trust the readera. bit more

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[8/11/2026 7:19 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
Plain Jane" as both her name and his nickname for her is doing a lot of lifting and it strains a little. We get it, but the story is subtle enough that it doesn't need that underline.
You know what you are doing.. and I can tell. DONE

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[8/11/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index GO!


[8/11/2026 7:19 PM] erisindex
Let me preface my thoughts before I give them...


[8/11/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex
I am a hardcore loyalist when it comes to fidelity..

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[8/11/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex
Favorite lines: 

–A woman who had spent a good portion of her life accounting for everything was now unable to account for this–

Nice job tying the professional state to her emotional state. It was catchy.

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[8/11/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex
–His trust was precisely the reason she could not disclose to him what she had come here to say–

This was an awesome contradiction. Because of his trust, you can’t trust him? Interesting one.

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[8/11/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex
–Not the kind of beautiful she noticed from a safe distance, like a sunset, or a well-made thing, but the kind that demanded something in return–

A good bit of unease underneath this description. It made him seem less over-the-top romantic.

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[8/11/2026 7:21 PM] loganraith
✋

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[8/11/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex
Favorite scenes: 

The coffee shop flashback where they first meet was the most interesting to me. Jane loses her debit card, gets flustered, and walks smack into him. She gets thrown by his attention. He completely throws her rigid, careful personality out the window. 

I also did enjoy the scene where she tells him she wants to leave everything behind.

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[8/11/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex
Criticism: I struggled with the navel-gazing in this. A good bit of this story is her thinking about things, internal explanations, her thoughts about herself. There are several different places in this article where it is told in slightly different ways that she has always been controlled, responsible, repressed, passive, and afraid of her own impulses.

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[8/11/2026 7:22 PM] erisindex
The reader understands this very early, and repeating it stops it from hitting emotionally. Some of those paragraphs could be tightened where she goes into detail about that. I would have liked more room for the scenes themselves–Jane and Michael interacting, etc.

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[8/11/2026 7:22 PM] erisindex
I also found Michael’s behavior… uncomfortable, is the best word I can think of at the moment. The grabbing, the certainty, and how much she starts reshaping herself based on his opinions and what he likes. I’m also not sure if this is intentional; if it is, maybe something to hint about Jane noticing it somewhere.

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[8/11/2026 7:22 PM] erisindex
Overall–I’ll be honest, I enjoyed this very much and the idea of it… depending on the end. If she has a husband, children, another life.. I don’t like the idea of her abandoning her family all so she can feel like a twenty-year-old again and live her best life. Finding out she has a husband and a family made me lose respect for her almost instantly. 

Question: Does she have family at home? Is this a fantasy? Give me some info. 

Done.


[8/11/2026 7:22 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
But what it they're dead?


[8/11/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith GO!


[8/11/2026 7:23 PM] erisindex
Right, I don't know that though.. I'm asking.

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[8/11/2026 7:23 PM] snowpuppie
She does have a family at home, yes. There is a psychological thing going on here, with a woman that's had troubles, got through them by being forecful, and then someone like what caused her troubles is now there pulling them out again. Cages for different reasons.

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[8/11/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith ye there?


[8/11/2026 7:24 PM] snowpuppie
it would be hard describe here fully, but I'm happy to do that in the Afterparty 🙂 This is in effect, a bit of a psychological experiment. 🙂


[8/11/2026 7:24 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Ah, i was wondering if she was hiding psychosis at first...then hiding a second life...then..?

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[8/11/2026 7:24 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
well, shit


[8/11/2026 7:25 PM] .revanarchy
👋


[8/11/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
2nd time around?

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[8/11/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
@Joshua Bader GO while we wait for logan


[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] loganraith
Whhops


[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] .revanarchy
So I think listening to everything, Ive gotten my genre question answered. Is it fair to say this is noir romance?


[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
While Josh is adding on - if you are lurking get that hand up in the air! 🙂


[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] .revanarchy
Yield to Logan


[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] erisindex
I think my problem is, I live inside of the character I'm reading and infidelity drops me completely out of the story. I had a good time up until then. I don't understand the experiment as of yet.

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[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] loganraith
Sorry! I'm here. Didn't think you'd get to me so fast! Shall I go?

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[8/11/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith GO!

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[8/11/2026 7:27 PM] loganraith
Fave line

His eyes reminded her of the Sound when dark clouds rolled in over the city and threatened to storm. 

This one struck me when I first read it, then I saw David share the quote and knew that was it. Like Jane, I love the rain, so I'm easy. You mention clouds and rain in the PNW and I'm in it. 

But this was a lovely way to describe eyes without mentioning color, shape, etc.

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[8/11/2026 7:27 PM] snowpuppie
Fair criticism. David feels the same way. I think there are ways to make it more obvious, or remove it so the reader doenst feel betrayed.


[8/11/2026 7:27 PM] loganraith
Fave scene

The meet-cute. I've worked at several coffeehouses and I love the stormy PNW (it's why I moved here). It was a cozy, nostalgia-filled scene for me.

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[8/11/2026 7:27 PM] .revanarchy
If it is noir romance, it is perfect, 100% perfect exactly as it is.

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[8/11/2026 7:28 PM] loganraith
You've been so kind to me about my work, so I want to just heap praise, but, I want to be helpful, so...

Feedback

I just have three general notes.

    1) The interiority is HEAVY. The middle could use some exercise. 
    2) You're really good at descriptions, but they're so plentiful and verbose I got lost a few times. If I were you, I'd run this through Claude (newest Fable or Opus on max) and ask it to help you trim fat. This story would be much better at half the length, or even a quarter. Which brings me to…
    3) The reveal has three issues I could find. First, it was unclear exactly what it was. She came off as a young woman throughout the piece, but the reveal made it seem like she was middle-aged. It's also unclear if she's still in contact with her family or if she left them, if something happened to them. If it's anything other than she's running out on her family, the severity she suggests deflates. I would clarify the reveal on the next pass. Second, it doesn't earn the length of the piece (see #1). Third, it's not signaled well enough for the reader to have a chance to guess it. In this kind of story, you build mystery, but you want to drop hints so that the reader either guesses the end and feels smart, or the clues hit them when they read the end and they think you're brilliant.

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[8/11/2026 7:28 PM] snowpuppie
I honestly didn't really try to write for a specific genre, but yes, it does fit that description, so ... yes. 🙂

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[8/11/2026 7:28 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Maybe I didn't mind the genre issue. But I am primed for romance so as soon as we got dark eyes, tall, lithe and a meet cute...I was like..yup. got it.

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[8/11/2026 7:29 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Well, I thought she killed her family -- accidentally or not


[8/11/2026 7:29 PM] meganmarrow_40655
it's upmarket women's fiction

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[8/11/2026 7:29 PM] meganmarrow_40655
https://klipy.com/gifs/pengu-pudgy-114

{Embed}
https://klipy.com/gifs/pengu-pudgy-114
Pengu Pudgy with a Knife
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/kh9eSjUlLrlXFyqIHbr1k-Vdj-UyDX2UuoayVEzh5pA/https/static.klipy.com/ii/ce286d05b8e1a47cd4f32b0e1b6dec0e/4f/c2/vOYeHIPH.webp

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[8/11/2026 7:29 PM] loganraith
Recap

Great descriptive language but too much of a good thing…

Tighten the length and seed the reveal 

This was a good, moody, twisty first story (that I've read at least), and with some tuning it could be great. To quote Claude in almost every response to a first draft from me, "The bones are great."

That got cut off..

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[8/11/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
okay anyone else before I go?


[8/11/2026 7:30 PM] loganraith
Question

Where did this idea come from?


[8/11/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
Not our relationship I hope...

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[8/11/2026 7:30 PM] snowpuppie
I so appreciate this b/c I KNOW it needs it. I've made a few tweaks but that middle part needs work, 100%.

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[8/11/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith Done?


[8/11/2026 7:31 PM] loganraith
I was gonna add, "Anything David should know about?" But I decided against it. lol

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[8/11/2026 7:31 PM] loganraith
DONE


[8/11/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
Fav Line(s): She then reached into her handbag, pulled out her purse and unsnapped it, revealing a neatly organized repository of official-looking plastic things. <<< gives me a very strong sense of who she is.

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[8/11/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
She never used credit cards either, because as an accountant she knew how purely evil they – and the companies that peddled them – truly were. <<< yes, yes they are.

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[8/11/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst
His eyes reminded her of the Sound when dark clouds rolled in over the city and threatened to storm. <<< just great prose and love the two way read

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[8/11/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
She knew she should refuse again. But she couldn’t remember the last time anyone had wanted her to stay badly enough to argue about it. <<< again, great characterization

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[8/11/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
Best sequence: She noticed odd changes in herself, as well. Long-ago impulses stifled by determined repression occasionally worked themselves loose, and instead of subduing them and dragging them back to their prisons, she let herself wander down the dark, brooding hallways that housed them, scared but curious now about where these paths might lead. It was hard at first, but once she allowed herself to release the first of them and realized that succumbing did not completely destabilize her universe, she allowed the rest to fully wake and tried to ignore the growing chorus of groans and whispers begging her to please, please, set them free. Instead, she worked on them one by one, carefully picking and choosing their order. 

<<< this is such a unique way to describe what's happening to her by using her own interior concept for what she's done to control and order her life. Well done.

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[8/11/2026 7:32 PM] snowpuppie
I have a seriously nerdy interest in the pyshiology of psychology, and in where social actions come from, and was trying to help people udnerstand the realness of emotional trauma and what it can do to people later in life. That's not terribly obvious in this piece, unless you've been in her shoes, and that was part of what i was trying to illustrate.

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[8/11/2026 7:32 PM] snowpuppie
He knows all. XD

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[8/11/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
Criticism: In general, there are some strained uses of metaphor and adjectives / adverbs where a base verb or noun would be stronger.

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[8/11/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
For example: Gravity unceremoniously yanked her back to her senses and pulled her gaze from his. <<< Don't like the use of gravity here -- is there a better word?

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[8/11/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
AND -- my biggest criticism on what I think is a wonderful work of writing:


[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] starcryst
I hate her. You betray me as a reader at the end. This is Bridges of Madison County all over again and I hated that movie

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[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Mabye she's running from an abusive relationship y'all


[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] .revanarchy
Secrets, morally grey, multiple possible interpretations, boundary issues, a colorful romance in a gray world... through a noir lens I am completely on board with this... but I think straight romance readers may feel... tricked?

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[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
and she doens't use credit cards so he won't find her!

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[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] starcryst
So I love the story 95% of the way through and then I hate what you do to my relationship with the character at the end.

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[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I think i'm the only one on the crazy girl's side

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[8/11/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
but i DON'T condone adultery


[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] meganmarrow_40655
it just makes excellent fiction hahaha

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
But! This is a brilliant piece of work because IT MADE ME FEELS

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] loganraith
It was the portliness of her husband, wasn't it? Tell me straight.

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] somedesertrat
i was picking up some noir vibes as well


[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
and 99% of lit doesn't

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] meganmarrow_40655
👋

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] snowpuppie
I am pleading the 5th. XD

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] meganmarrow_40655
not that i need permission...i could just type..

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] loganraith
I take offense, as a slightly portly fellow. Just enough to love 😛

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[8/11/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
And that she didn't describe him as a world class author.

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[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] starcryst
@MEGAN MARROW Bring us home


[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
People's relationships are complex, and I have no issue with women making choices for themselves in either fiction or real life.

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[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] meganmarrow_40655
The more I sit with this piece...i am slightly confused about the man and his general persona. maybe it's intentional..he seems dark and broody then charming and smiley then like over the top goofy affectionate

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[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
I still think she knocked off her family and got away with it

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[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] snowpuppie
Oh we're there with you Logan. LOL 🙂

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[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] meganmarrow_40655
i think he might be a tad inconsistent which makes me not trust him..

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[8/11/2026 7:36 PM] meganmarrow_40655
maybe we shouldn't...i don't know.


[8/11/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst
I would frankly like the ending better if that happened.

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[8/11/2026 7:37 PM] .revanarchy
But the MC is the one you shouldn't be trusting for a great twist.


[8/11/2026 7:37 PM] meganmarrow_40655
but if it's intentional, keep it...if you want him to feel more magnetic and mysterious, i might tone down teh goofy at hte end


[8/11/2026 7:37 PM] erisindex
Best for snuggles. My husband is too.

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[8/11/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst
He's a manipulative dick 😛

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[8/11/2026 7:37 PM] somedesertrat
i read that more as the comfort of a relationship.


[8/11/2026 7:38 PM] starcryst
Okay -- @Lisa N Snowe any final words before you abandon us all for a taller, more lithe reading group with stormy eyes?

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[8/11/2026 7:38 PM] meganmarrow_40655
i mean...he is stealing someones wife. albiet UNINTENTIONALLY BECAUSE SHE'S A LIAR

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[8/11/2026 7:39 PM] meganmarrow_40655
i can see that too


[8/11/2026 7:39 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I love an unreliable narrator in thrillers


[8/11/2026 7:39 PM] snowpuppie
LOL - Thank you ALL so very much for all the feedback. Honesetly, it was so wonderful hearing you all think through this. 🙂  And it was intentionally written to have diferent interpretations. Your take away tells you a bit about who you are, and where you've been, and as weird as that sounds, I kind of hoped it would land that way.

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[8/11/2026 7:39 PM] .revanarchy
At least I now know how the group would react if I ever broke out my noir romance. Infidelity? How could you? Murder. Fine.

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[8/11/2026 7:39 PM] meganmarrow_40655
LOL


[8/11/2026 7:39 PM] starcryst
Yeah but we'd still love you.

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[8/11/2026 7:40 PM] meganmarrow_40655
(also true in romance)

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[8/11/2026 7:40 PM] meganmarrow_40655
burn kingdoms - fine...cheat - burn in hell

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[8/11/2026 7:40 PM] snowpuppie
And thank you for all the amazing criticisms too .. I agree with them all. ❤️

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[8/11/2026 7:40 PM] starcryst
OKAY -- that's a WRAP - join us in the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self promotion. Thank you all for joining us tonight for WRITE CLUB

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[8/11/2026 7:45 PM] von_a_o
That was fun to watch. Sorry I didn't chime in. Had a busy day and, the older I get, the more I realize my 'genre and style focus' is pretty strict. What others liked... me not so much. Not a writing issue, just a genre issue.

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[8/11/2026 8:50 PM] sassandsage_
Okay, thank you for letting me add my two cents' worth late! 

Right, so...Michael made me uneasy as fuck, and I NEED to know whether that was intentional. 😂

What really worked for me was the way this initially reads like a story about Jane finally freeing herself. She's spent her whole life being the good girl, locking bits of herself away, and then Michael comes along and she starts letting herself actually want things.

But then I started noticing that so many of the changes she's making are because Michael likes them. The auburn hair because he likes it. Contacts because he doesn't like her glasses. The tattoo because he likes tattoos on women. Even considering the nose piercing after he compliments another woman.

And my favourite line -- or at least the one where I went OH FUCK -- was:

"He smiled the smile she'd come to know so well, the one that told her he already had her answer in mind and she only needed to repeat it."

Because that's where the whole thing clicked for me. Jane thinks she's opening all her cages, but I started wondering whether she's actually just built a different cage. And what I really liked is that I'm not even sure Michael consciously knows he's doing it. Maybe Jane is still constructing herself around what somebody else wants from her, because that's what she's always done.

My one bit of constructive feedback is that I think you could trust the metaphor a little more. The voices/cages/repression idea gets explained quite a few times, and by then I already understood it. I think trimming some of that repetition could actually make the ending hit harder. I do this sort of thing all the time and have to go back and do some trimming! 
 😂

DONE.

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[8/11/2026 9:43 PM] snowpuppie
Wendy. ❤️ You *completely* got it.  (Thank you SO much for taking time to post your thoughts! I so appreciate you!)

*"He smiled the smile she'd come to know so well, the one that told her he already had her answer in mind and she only needed to repeat it."

Because that's where the whole thing clicked for me. Jane thinks she's opening all her cages, but I started wondering whether she's actually just built a different cage. And what I really liked is that I'm not even sure Michael consciously knows he's doing it. Maybe Jane is still constructing herself around what somebody else wants from her, because that's what she's always done."*

YES.

I wrote Michael as a "benenolent narcissist". Here's the actual descriptionof that type of personality: "A benevolent narcissist—frequently referred to as an altruistic or communal narcissist—is a subtype of narcissistic personality that masks an egocentric, grandious, and entitled core behind a public facade of extreme helpfulness, charity, and selflessness."

Like most narcissists, they gaslight, they control, they manipulate but still truly believe they are doing it for all the right reasons: that they are assuredely right, most logical, and unerringly "good", in all their motivations. But in reality, everything they do, or say, or demand of other people must serve their ego, their purpose, their likes/dislikes and their sense of control, always. They are not good at bending, or compromise.

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[8/11/2026 9:43 PM] snowpuppie
The type of person most able to handle that type of personality? A person who has lived with one before and been "trained" to acquiesce. They often have low-self esteem, they lose their sense of self and are trying very hard to construct an identity that they *think* is worthy and will be received by their narcissistic partner. They morph, adapt, and become who they believe they need to be in order to achieve the love and devotion they crave from their partner, normally becuase they were denied it or were actively abused emotionally, and sometimes physically at some point in their lives.
 
Jane suffered that trauma early. Was taught she wasn't worthy, so she morphed, changed, worked very hard to become who she thought she NEEDED to be in order to have value, and though it wasn't who she really was, she succeeded. And she succeeded because traumatized people also learn to be strong survivors, emotionally. And that worked for her until a man who felt like "home" showed up, and she started to unlock those cages she had constructed for parts of her, and which protected her, and she fell prey to her programming again, not even realizing she was. She was excited to let her "real" self back out. Like a lot of trauma victims, you don't know you're falling back into it untl it's too late, because it doesn't *feel* wrong, not until you're in the thick of it again.

I was hoping people would feel empathy for Jane, because her story is truly a tragedy, not just for her, but for everyone involved - except for Michael. I expected it to land differently with different people. It was a psychological experiment in a way, because different people would see the story from different perspectives depending on their own psychological makeup.

But it seemed that a bunch of folks were confused about what had happened, and a few people were disappointed/disgusted by the betrayal of her family.  My husband said that the way it ended made people angry, and because noone in the story is worth being angry at, they have no choice but to get angry at the author, or the choices the author made. Not good for substack subs, right? lol

Anyway, given I don't want to make people hate me (ha!), I probably need to rethink and rewrite this. 

I will not lie, it took a lot of effort and redrafting to walk the line I did without giving too much away. I wanted it to feel as painful to the reader as it was for Jane to go through, and for the tragedy of her past and the choices it influenced her to make to really land with the reader, in a more compassionate way.  But I suppose i need to make a more concrete choice and change it to make it either a redemption story for her, or make Michael overtly "evil"  so the horror is more concrete, and you have Michael to hate at the end (though benovelent narcisssists are not that way in real life). Trying to illustrate the dynamic I chose was not clear enough for readers. And I don't want most people to end up confused.


[8/11/2026 10:06 PM] sassandsage_
Oh wow... thank you. ❤️ That genuinely means a lot.

Honestly? I wouldn't make Michael moustache-twirling evil. 😂 The fact that he feels loving while quietly reshaping her around himself was what got under my skin. That felt much truer to me. 

And I did feel empathy for Jane all the way through, even after the family reveal. My heart broke for her husband and boys too, but mostly I just thought, oh God... she's done it again. I disagree with people who thought her evil for this. i like how you arent afraid to take it to the edge with stuff... people are nuanced as hell and do the weirdest shit...

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[8/12/2026 9:18 AM] snowpuppie
Thank YOU Wendy! It's really cool to hear you heard the story I was telling:  it means I *did* drop enough hints, because you picked up on them. ❤️  And I'm delighted you liked me taking it to the edge. You've convinced me: I won't change Michael or Jane.

The challenge I had writing this was keeping the tells from being too loud. I didn't want the reader to lose the experience of *being* Jane, of being washed over by his brightness in the beginning, but I wanted there to be just enough unease that they knew something wasn't quite right: they are watching from the outside, so *they* are not blinded by the same trauma blinding Jane's choices. 

I will definitely clean up weak spots, and there are many (the middle absolutely needs a lot of work - I knew this already - and I will clarify the plot a bit, particularly with the family, to eliminate the confusion about what is happening. ) but you're right; I wrote this first to make people understand how traumatized people like Jane can be lured back into bad situations, because she is psychologically programmed to handle it, or not recognize it for what it is; and secondly, so people could get a glimpse of how the terror and pain that emotional and moral betrayal from people like Michael take root. If I take either out, I am betraying myself as the author, because I'd be changing the story I set out to write in the first place.


[8/12/2026 9:20 AM] hellerbard_36669
Hi Lisa, 
Couldn’t be there for the club, but I have a few thoughts about the story- sorry they’re a bit late!
Let me know if I’m way off- this is such a psychologically complex story, with so many layers, I get the feeling I might just be scratching the surface here. Please let me know if I’m off base.
**CHARACTERS:**
__JANE: __
The first thing I noticed about Jane was how easily- and quickly- she acquiesced to being a passive participant in her own existence, despite her convincing herself that she saw them as a kind of empowerment or reinvention. By the time of the final reveal, I understood it as being less of a reinvention, but more reforming herself into a whole new paradigm based on somebody else’s expectations. 
She went from defining herself according the role of wife and mother, part of a unit, indivisible- to defining herself according to the wants and needs of her lover. That kind of mimesis doesn’t come out of nowhere. I saw something in her that picks up on the expectations around her- mostly unspoken ones- that adapts to avoid emotional pain or trauma. That comes from experience. From hurt, denial of love or approval. 
It was this impression that let me sympathise with her, despite her having left her family behind. Not just left, but actively blocked out their entire existence, finally rejecting it outright…at least for now. No way does she leave all that behind as easily as throwing away a photograph. Still, I wanted her to find a way to realise her worth as a person without needing to give up her entire existence. I wanted her to find a middle ground between leaving behind her family and running off forever with…


[8/12/2026 9:21 AM] hellerbard_36669
__MICHAEL:__
God, I* hated* this guy. 
I did from the first moment he took Jane’s wrist. It was a test. Will she pull away? Will she say “Hey, hands off, buddy.” Will she mace him?
None of that was likely, of course. People like Michael are able to read people pretty well. It’s how they get through life, knowing what people want to hear, what they need to hear. He’d watched her struggle with her purse, flustered, and he picked up the scent of blood in the water like a shark. Swam up and shot his shot. 
The minute she didn’t pull away, he knew he’d found somebody he could mold into his perfect partner ( although partner implies equality.) At least until he gets bored of her. Or she starts to see through him. For her sake, I hope she does.
I saw the phrase “benevolent narcissism” used in the chat earlier. That tracks. I’ve known too many people like this, who use their charm and sensitivity and ability to be the most interesting person in every room to be everything to everyone. Nobody can imagine them being anything less than wonderful. Only their wife, or husband, or girlfriend or whatever occasionally gets to look through the mask and see the spiteful little ant-burner that lives underneath the slick exterior.  Little microaggressions, like singing the “sweet sweet Jane” song that he knows she hates because he knows he can and it amuses him to do so. 
Anyhow, I could rant some more. But I won’t. 
**FAVOURITE LINE: **
*“She looked back at him, a bit surprised to see that his expression had changed. Or had it? She bit her lip.”*
This says it all. Had his expression changed? Or had he been looking at her the same way the entire time, and it was just her perception of him that had changed slightly- a moment of clarity, perhaps- but one she doesn’t seem willing to explore, as she is literally biting her lip to prevent herself from speaking those thoughts aloud.
A lot of heavy lifting being done in this line. A strong character moment- for both of them. Great stuff.


[8/12/2026 9:21 AM] hellerbard_36669
**OVERALL:**
This isn’t the kind of story I usually read- not because I don’t enjoy them necessarily, but because I tend to drift towards genre fiction as a default in my online reading. You’ve convinced me I need to cast my net wider the next time I go looking for fiction.
This was a very well-written psychological portrait of obsession and of two people who have developed a complex relationship based on one person’s exploitation of the other’s vulnerabilities. This was a great piece which raised some interesting questions about responsibility- to one’s self, to others. I like how you kept clear from providing easy answers. 
Thanks for letting me read this!

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[8/12/2026 9:30 AM] snowpuppie
Thank YOU so much for taking the time to read it, and for your incredibly thoughtful response. You literally made my morning. XD   I'm off to work now, so this will be short, but yes, you saw the story I was telling, and that makes me incredibly happy. It was hard for me to walk the line between being too overt with the tells and not overt enough, and weaving together the multiple things happening here psychologically, but you got them all. I'm also grateful you appreciated that I did not provide easy answers - life often isn't that way, black or white, and so yes, this is one of those pieces where the shape of the reader themselves shapes the meaning of the story for them. Some people hate this type of story, some don't. I'm ok with that. ❤️

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[8/12/2026 2:38 PM] xenonsteem
Sorry I left a rather cryptic comment on Substack. Your writing is excellent. The story just hits a little too close to home. 
The only question I have, and I'm not sure it needs touched on in this piece, is: "What did she need that would have kept her healthy?"


[8/12/2026 6:05 PM] snowpuppie
Ah, was that the “Oof” comment? I am not sure if that was from you as the discord and Substack names don’t match. Thank you for reading it - I know time is our most precious resource and I so appreciate you giving of yours for my benefit. 🫶🏻


[8/12/2026 6:09 PM] xenonsteem
Yeah, sorry. I'm Ian J Snow everywhere else. 😁

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[8/12/2026 6:31 PM] erisindex
I didn't know that.


[8/12/2026 6:46 PM] xenonsteem
There. I have chosen clarity.

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🤣 🔥 ❤️

[8/12/2026 6:47 PM] lammbbb
Not/ungood a very/muchy skaven move, Ian-pop


[8/12/2026 8:38 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
I loved this story. I did get a tiny bit lost here "It was at that moment a small, hairline crack appeared on the surface of her carefully constructed life.

That had been six months ago. She sat motionless across from him, head down, still staring at the table. How in the world could she tell him after all they’d shared in the last six months?" 
Because I read it as her having a flash back after the last paragraph here, not that the first part was 6 months ago. I had to re-read again to catch where I'd gotten lost. Perhaps "Six months had passed since that day in the coffee shop, and here they sat..."


[8/12/2026 10:53 PM] krislynlyon
Your writing is great. For me, the story was a lot of drama. I want to bop people like that on the head in real life. I liked the build of the romance, and the "we shouldn't, but let's do it anyway," trope is always fun.

I feel like the relationship is not going to last, because the guy doesn't see her. She's bleeding, whether it makes sense to him or not, and he's patronizing her. Eesh. Nope. 

I got confused at the end. Wedding band--what? Pictures, what? Did I miss something? 

I like in the beginning that he's the one that makes her stop and reconsider things.


[8/13/2026 2:58 AM] t_r3xxx
Hi @Lisa N Snowe,  life has finally given me enough of a break to add my two cents!


[8/13/2026 2:58 AM] t_r3xxx
Favorite line: It was at that moment a small, hairline crack appeared on the surface of her carefully constructed life.

This isn't a story I'd naturally be drawn to, but I found it very compelling and well written. I love the idea of Jane -- a character who has accounted for everything but not herself. I like how you take the time to make her transformation into the "Michael-type" Jane gradual and subdued. I was very creeped out by Michael -- but found him a fascinating character to read, which I'm sure will make you happy. And the ending is unexpected and was effective for me. 

Notes: I found the beginning too confusing with the voices. I'd like to be grounded in the story up front, before the abstractions of the voices enter the scene. While I liked the twist at the end, it was unclear if she'd left her old family before the affair with Michael happened or was sneaking around the whole time. If the latter, I'd like a clue or two earlier that's subtle enough for me to look back and say, "Oh, that's why she did/said that!"

And it feels like you've overwritten Jane's repression. You kept telling me instead of showing me through her interactions with Michael. Your voice is nicely lyrical, but I prefer action over metaphor as a reader.

Hope this is helpful.

Nice work!


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