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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-12-26-vesper-l-rayne
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[8/3/2026 7:54 PM] starcryst
Guest host @Josi Sofer


[8/3/2026 7:55 PM] josisofer
I could host... but so could Addi, or her Highness, the Jack of Hearts

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[8/10/2026 8:13 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
@Lisa N Snowe - now one more. 😘

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[8/10/2026 8:17 PM] snowpuppie
We'll be critiquing Vespyr Rayne's chapter: https://vesperlrayne.substack.com/p/the-witch-and-the-duskborn

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https://vesperlrayne.substack.com/p/the-witch-and-the-duskborn
Ch 1- The Witch and the Duskborn
Envenenado
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/oq5Li8C1MIoSnqoV8RnsDdPPkNaUALD95bUxXX_DQ8c/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21wYDz%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fvesperlrayne.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F207428170%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4

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[8/11/2026 2:08 PM] martinmaenza
Bummer. Have to miss it - Wednesdays are my on desk night. Any way, @VesperLRayne knows how much I adore her.

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[8/12/2026 6:02 PM] kotaotan
If I miss it live I'll leave my critique afterwards. I got stuffs to say.

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[8/12/2026 6:15 PM] starcryst
@everyone if you wish to help promote Vesper's story for tonight's WriteClub, you know what to do: https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-313587563

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https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-313587563
David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge)
Tonight at Write Club we are featuring @Vesper L. Rayne’s story Envenenado Chapter 1: The Witch and the Duskborn. Join us at 7pm EST at http://writeclub.chat to discuss the story and provide constructive feedback (and to sign up for your opportunity to be on WC!)

https://vesperlrayne.substack.com/p/the-witch-and-the-duskborn
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/7cq0y3-Dc0TvfrvLHi3YFQVPtVrPbaJhlj9NaZGcTVY/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21PxCS%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F3a7ede31-97b7-46b6-9446-bf957316df77_1672x941.png

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[8/12/2026 6:39 PM] martinmaenza
Oh that’s right. I can leave comments after the fact..just might.

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[8/12/2026 6:41 PM] josisofer
You could, but it's not as much fun


[8/12/2026 6:42 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I will be late. Doing the chauffeuring tonight.


[8/12/2026 6:42 PM] meganmarrow_40655
But I am pumped


[8/12/2026 6:43 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I want to discuss the glowing kitty

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[8/12/2026 6:44 PM] martinmaenza
I am on the reference desk tonight, Josi. Can monitor the chat though.

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[8/12/2026 6:45 PM] meganmarrow_40655
lol Josi, we quote stacked the same quote verbatim

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[8/12/2026 6:45 PM] meganmarrow_40655
🙌🏻

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[8/12/2026 6:59 PM] vesperlrayne_04128


{Stickers}
https://cdn.discordapp.com/stickers/781291131828699156.png

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[8/12/2026 6:59 PM] starcryst
Glowing kitty LOAF

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] thegalacticwriter
Hi, Vesper! My husband had a cycling accident so I’m helping him with ice packs. I will send my comments later. Have fun tonight!

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
for the record, Puck is not what you think he is and he's epic

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] gonzpaoli
https://klipy.com/gifs/revving-engine-dante

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https://klipy.com/gifs/revving-engine-dante
Jason Momoa as Dante: Intense Drive
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/X62GdejqfusVB8gCQ-93Z-Glz1kS-CsazRBPidjKUWQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/c3a19a0b747a76e98651f2b9a3cca5ff/88/83/4mg89hM9.webp

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
@everyone get your rears in gear, its time for WRITE CLUB -- join us in this channel and we'll get going!

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] loganraith
✋


[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
https://tenor.com/bWDcx.gif

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https://tenor.com/view/rarda-gif-26327703
Rarda GIF - Rarda - Discover & Share GIFs
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/tBZpc4_BzaDzhRNH36L3rMh8_7MASAJ67gj8yVfMB-g/https/media1.tenor.com/m/6KuLF-qQmlUAAAAC/rarda.gif

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] somedesertrat
Okay, that already answers my question:
"Are you a member of the Sir Bastion Murdermittens fanclub?"

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[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] gonzpaoli
👋🏼


[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] sassandsage_
👋


[8/12/2026 7:00 PM] somedesertrat
👋


[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] kotaotan
👋


[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] erisindex
👋


[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat
https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei

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https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei
Akiba Maid Senso Otagei
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/CTz6JLPaOOYlE6uUgcjZ943ZqOtX7LJ6vaJtCksCOzQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/a8ada81afc59159ea5c8927feffa2e31/f3/dc/3FCsT5Zm2ooNP9AI.webp

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[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] rubygs
👋


[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] josisofer
Okay, does everyone remember the rules?

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[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
👋


[8/12/2026 7:01 PM] josisofer
@Logan Raith GO


[8/12/2026 7:02 PM] loganraith
Going!


[8/12/2026 7:02 PM] josisofer
That's great bud, but I meant it was your turn

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[8/12/2026 7:02 PM] loganraith
Fave line:

That wasn’t street poison. That wasn’t some dwarf thug with a grudge and a rusted blade, or a Pixie enforcer running a debt collection. That was Shadow Assassin work — black-glass, soul-forged, the kind of poison that didn’t care which side of the Veil you stood on when it killed you.

Such biting, tight prose. 

Runner-up:

She didn’t have time for this. She filed it, later, Morwenna, file it for later, you can have an existential crisis about the strange man’s strange blood AFTER he stops dying , and pushed harder, pouring more of herself into her palms, because the thread was stalling out about two inches from his heart and two inches was not the same as gone.

I love everything about this paragraph, but especially, "AFTER he stops dying," and, "two inches was not the same as gone."

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[8/12/2026 7:03 PM] loganraith
Copying and papasting isn't instant!

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[8/12/2026 7:03 PM] loganraith
Fave sequence:

The climax. You handled the tension and relief so well. I love how Morwenna uses humor to mitigate the weight of the situation. Like in this line:

“C’mon,” she muttered, mostly to herself, mostly to the magic, a little bit to him. “C’mon, c’mon, you don’t get to die on my floor, I just mopped, I have standards…”

Also, how she asnwers Gideon when he asks her what she is.

“Tired,” she said instead. “Mostly. I’m tired, and you’re alive, and I really think we should start there.”

Not a crazy hook of a cliffhanger, but by the time we get to this final line, the hook is set. What kind of power does this man have to throw off a seasoned witch like Morwenna? Who wanted him dead? How will all of this affect her? Will she ever get the blood stains out of the floor?

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[8/12/2026 7:03 PM] loganraith
Feedback:

Minor. I had to search for something to nitpick 😛


"Healing magic always made her sweat like she’d run somewhere, even kneeling perfectly still on her own floor at eleven at night with a stranger’s blood soaking into her apron."

The irony here is that she sweats doing something that shouldn't make you sweat. A sharp difference between what's expected and what actually happens. Kneeling perfectly still shouldn't cause perspiration. 

"On the floor" is acceptable context (albeit context we already have). 

"…at eleven at night" is giving us an exact time, when we only had a general one before (after closing). I would cut the time here. It doesn't have any bearing on whether she's more or less likely to sweat. 

And the stranger's blood sosking in her apron is just telling us something we can assume, that again doesn't make it less likely that Morwenna would be sweating. Actually, I'd say it weakens the irony. People tend to sweat in stressful situations.

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[8/12/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith
Overall:

You have such a solid grip on natural dialogue and lovely descriptive language that doesn't overstay its welcome. The whole chapter move at a brisk pace and gave me lots of reasons to come back. Freaking great job.

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[8/12/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith
No questions!


[8/12/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith
DONE


[8/12/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer
@Wendy you're up, let's hear it!


[8/12/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith
And my mouse died. Perfect timing

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer
RIP Mouse


[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] sassandsage_
Favourite line:
"Absolutely not. Her insurance barely covered minor hex damage as it was." 😂
What really worked for me was Morwenna's voice. She never once felt like "fantasy heroine" to me. She felt like someone trying to close up her café after a long day who's suddenly got a bleeding stranger on her floor. 😂
I loved that she barely reacts to the magical stuff because, to her, none of that is weird. The glowing cat, the opinionated grimoire, the healing magic... all completely normal. The thing she's genuinely horrified by is someone dying between the pastry case and the herbal tea display. 🤣
Lines like "I just mopped, I have standards" and "Her insurance barely covered minor hex damage as it was" told me so much about who she is. The humour never felt like it was there for me as the reader. It felt like this is simply how Morwenna's brain works, which made me trust her almost immediately.
The only tiny place I stumbled was that I think Gideon might trust her just a fraction more quickly than I expected from a detective... Not enough to pull me out of the story, just enough that I noticed it.
And yes... "What are you?" / "Tired." got an actual laugh out of me. 😂
DONE.

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst
papasting?

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer
Okay Wendy is a full blast assassin

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] sassandsage_
its a real thing. its copy/pasting under pressure

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer
@Carl Price you're up


[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] somedesertrat
Gonz got glossed over, I think

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] sassandsage_
I've this ready to fire since last night

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[8/12/2026 7:05 PM] loganraith
Obviously that one wasn't papasted... 

My laptop had restarted while I was at work and EVERYTHING was popping up while I tried to post.

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[8/12/2026 7:06 PM] gonzpaoli
Ahem 👀

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[8/12/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer
Sorry Gonz


[8/12/2026 7:06 PM] gonzpaoli
*cough* lol

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[8/12/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer
You're next

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[8/12/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
now you are all just making shit up 😛

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[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] sassandsage_
we're writers.

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[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
You made up this Discord, we can make things up

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[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
thank you for that bc I always want to give times weirdly? even when I don't need to. Also, yes to what else you mentioned too- I am going to take a look back to that.

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[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] starcryst
my GOD this lets us do ANYTHING WE WANT RIGHT?

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[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
But the mic belongs to @Carl Price for the moment


[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] somedesertrat
General Feedback: It did seem a little cliche for me at first, what with the coffeeshop setting and pseudo meet-cute between Morwenna and Gideon, but it was handled well. Very descriptive, toeing the line on the good side of too much description for me, that is, there was enough left to the imagination that I could fill in the gaps in my mind's eye if necessary.

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[8/12/2026 7:07 PM] sassandsage_
correct. this is our treehouse and we are all 10 again

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[8/12/2026 7:08 PM] martinmaenza
She does that. 😛

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[8/12/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Line: there's quite a few little lines in here that I can call my favorite, especially since there's a layer of dry humor that's present. The obsession with the glowing cat was one that stuck out to me in a good way. Injuries and delirium have a funny way of forcing our focus on something other than what the problem is. But my personal favorite was: *dried St. John’s Wort, ground moonflower, a pinch of something she didn’t have a polite name for* since there's quite a few different plants like that.

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[8/12/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
Constructive Criticism: There's a few sentences that seem to drag on because of how long they are, (*Her hands weren't steady...* for example) and cause me to lose my focus due to how much is stuffed in them.
This might be more of a personal gripe, but the standard Male Fantasy Protagonist Pose (propped with a hand on the doorframe) immediately pulls me out of whatever I'm reading.
Additionally, I didn't really feel any tension during the portion of the scene where Morwenna was cutting the thread. It came across to me almost like it was a normal day at the office for her, despite the circumstances.

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[8/12/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat
DONE


[8/12/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer
Okay, the poor neglected robot boy @Gonz , with my deepest apologies, you're up! Launch!

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[8/12/2026 7:09 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
i do long rolling sentences a lot- always have but thank you for the feedback. Always willing to try new ways of structuring words

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[8/12/2026 7:09 PM] gonzpaoli
Yay! Ok, Vesper!


[8/12/2026 7:09 PM] somedesertrat
-# I can dig it. I'm prone to them, too


[8/12/2026 7:10 PM] sassandsage_
me too. it's just balancing them out, I think. this is why another pair of eyes on it can help


[8/12/2026 7:10 PM] gonzpaoli
**General Thoughts**
 
With every story, every chapter of yours that I read, I'm more and more convinced of your incredible writing skills, Vesper.
 
People often say of good voice actors, “They could read me the phone book.” Hell, I was told that on my review day 😂 The way you narrate your stories, reveal your characters, and show us what they're thinking reminds me of something similar.
 
Because I'm not a romance guy. I'm not interested in reading romance. But I keep reading and enjoying your stories!
 
So, in the same way I was told I could read someone the phone book, *you can tell me romance stories.* Because it's not about the romance. It's about your worldbuilding, your characters, and just your overall storytelling skill, which is out of this world.
 
When you say at the end of your chapter, “you'll find stories filled with wonder, mystery, hope, and characters worth rooting for,” you are ***not kidding.*** These characters really are worth rooting for!
 
I am right there with Morwenna, chuckling at the little things she's thinking in the middle of a crisis, the way she mentally files things away and realizes how inappropriate some of those thoughts are... but that's her nature. It makes her human and likable.
 
And the things you hint at about her abilities make her feel strong, experienced and skilled. You did a phenomenal job of making me care about her. Well done!

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[8/12/2026 7:10 PM] gonzpaoli
NOT DONE.... *WELL DONE* lol


[8/12/2026 7:10 PM] gonzpaoli
**Favourite moment:**
 
When she looks at the wound and realizes this is a *different kind of magic.* This isn't some run-of-the-mill random guy who got stabbed and stumbled in looking for help. This was professional assassin work.
 
That instantly raised the stakes, which I enjoyed immensely. In fact, that was the quote that gave me enough curiosity to click into the story in the first place and invited me into this world.

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[8/12/2026 7:10 PM] gonzpaoli
**Favourite lines:**
 
> The part of Morwenna that ran the shop, that thought about oat milk and rent and whether she’d flipped the sign, stepped quietly out of the room. The other part — the part that had spent four years getting thrown onto mats by people who called themselves instructors and meant it — was around the counter and on her knees in front of him before her next breath finished.
 
Great description of how she goes into pro-crisis mode.
 
> ...she’d stood her ground in front of things with three heads and worse manners and not so much as blinked, and now here she was on her own floor in a four-dollar apron with her hands shaking because some impossibly, unfairly handsome stranger had walked in bleeding from a wound that should have already killed him.
 
I love this line because it communicates a lot of things in a very short space. And “impossibly, unfairly handsome” is hilarious 😂
 
> A jawline you could cut glass on.
 
😂
 
> Good job, everyone.
 
The mental image of Winnie in her cafe by herself, with a guy lying there unconscious, barely breathing but stable—not just talking to herself, but almost sarcastically saying, “Good job, everyone,” like saving this person's life was some group effort in a medical drama when she was completely alone—was clever 😁

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[8/12/2026 7:10 PM] gonzpaoli
**Criticism:**
 
- “His eyes found hers” - a little cliché 😅
 
- I was a little confused at the beginning about how to picture the cafe. Because we're dealing with witches and magic, my brain could easily have gone straight to your typical medieval fantasy setting. Yes, I know that a cafe itself is a modern-day setting, but I don't know, my brain needed another nudge 😂 I needed one or two subtle cues early on that this is *present day,* just with magic.
 
Something as simple as her shutting off the cappuccino machine would probably do it. Just one more modern detail that makes me go, *Oh, okay. Present day. Got it.*
 
- One other tiny nitpick: mention Puck's name at least once more before the end. You do mention Puck when they say that the cat is glowing, but you don't repeat his name. So I just imagined the cat. By the time you mentioned the name Puck the second time at the end of the story, I had forgotten that it was the cat you were talking about. Even one small reaction from Puck to something she was doing or something that was happening to the guy somewhere in the middle would keep the name fresh in my mind.

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[8/12/2026 7:11 PM] gonzpaoli
**Question For The Author:**
 
You are a phenomenal writer, Vesper. I'm curious: how long have you been writing? How and when did you start?
 
You've mentioned before that you had to quit your job because of your migraines, and now that you have more time, you've started putting your stories out there. But this is a skill that develops over a *long* time.
 
You write in a genre I've never been particularly interested in, and you've gotten to the point where I see something you post and immediately think, *I have to read this.*
 
So I'm curious how long you've been doing this and how you started.
 
Phenomenal job as always!

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[8/12/2026 7:11 PM] lcdouglass
🖐️

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[8/12/2026 7:11 PM] gonzpaoli
Ok! NOW I'm **DONE!** 🥳


[8/12/2026 7:11 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
oh good point on the setting! thank you-

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[8/12/2026 7:11 PM] josisofer
@Kevin Prime you're up buddy, let's hear it


[8/12/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst
Yeah, but did you like it?

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[8/12/2026 7:12 PM] kotaotan
Ok. To start, I don't have a favorite line because the entire thing was delightful.

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[8/12/2026 7:12 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I talked about it in my interview- this one has been in draf for about a year BUT I was writing a full on novel for about 10 years

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[8/12/2026 7:13 PM] kotaotan
Second, I just have to ask if you wrote this specifically to sucker me in to the story? Because this is the opening chapter that would send me home with the book from Waldenbboks.

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[8/12/2026 7:13 PM] gonzpaoli
Not writing just *this;* I mean in general 😁


[8/12/2026 7:14 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
oh thank you! i am so glad tha thit


[8/12/2026 7:15 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
really writin stories? since middle school- publishing? no just recently here- i've been writing in some form, or shall I say, telling stories, all my life- but i've als READ ALOT which helps

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[8/12/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan
Lastly, the dialogue was wonderful. Every single bit of it. The prose put me exactly where I wanted to be in the story. No notes. Not a one. I am in love with this story and can't gush enough. 
DONE!

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[8/12/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer
@Eris Index , Queen of Deadly Frogs, spare us and GO!

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[8/12/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
–“Your cat’s glowing.” And–

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[8/12/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
–“He does that. It’s fine.”--   AND

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[8/12/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
–“Your book just moved.”--

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[8/12/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
Call me what you will, but these tiny lines that do a ridiculous amount of work for the reader are absolutely my favorite. Tells me a good bit without stopping to explain.

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[8/12/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
–Between the pastry case and the herbal tea display–

Pastries and tea? Dead bodies, maybe? I love this one. The narrator slipping dark humor into a tense scene is always a plus.

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[8/12/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
Favorite scenes: 

–“Right,” she said, briskly, mostly to cover the fact that her face had gone warm for reasons that had nothing to do with magical exertion. “Right. Tea. You’re going to need tea. And probably a blanket.”--

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[8/12/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
Also, both bits about the glowing cat. Visualizing this was absolutely my favorite part. And… the healing scene with the black thread.


[8/12/2026 7:17 PM] krislynlyon
There was a 4-sentence thing that ended with this, and it was collectively my favorite part. But substack will not let me highlight 4 broken sentences. So here's the last one: "Absolutely not. Her insurance barely covered minor hex damage as it was."

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[8/12/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
The black thread was creepy as hell. The cat glowing like some supernatural black light. That was awesome.

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[8/12/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
Criticism: I felt myself wanting less in the attraction description. I could understand early on that she thought he was ridiculously attractive. A couple of the later comments could probably be trimmed: jaw, face, voice, etc., and the story wouldn’t lose anything. I was more interested in the magic, the poison, and whatever the hell was going on with him.

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[8/12/2026 7:17 PM] josisofer
@Krislyn Lyon thank you for participating, would you mind raising your hand and waiting to be called on?

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[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
Also, I would have liked to see something a little different from the more familiar romantasy setup. This is definitely personal preference more than criticism, but it read similarly to a lot of common romantasy to me. After reading your other article, I think you can take bigger risks than this.


[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
And give me more glowing cats.

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[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
thanks so much that is such a good point- i get giggly over the attraction and love the magic and ugh the balance!

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[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
Hi @Krislyn Lyon! Welcome! 🙂

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[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
Overall, I really enjoyed the cozy vibe of her shop and the messed-up things going on. The bergamot, the tea, the candles, herbal jars, pastries… that’s a whole vibe that I’m here for, and then the bleeding detective crashing on the floor with poison crawling towards his heart? Nice. 

Question: Is the MMC aware he has power, or is he clueless? 

DONE.

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[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer
@steffie would you mind waiting for @Krislyn Lyon since she's new?

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[8/12/2026 7:18 PM] rubygs
Totally fine

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[8/12/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer
@Krislyn Lyon again, welcome, and please share your other thoughts with us

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[8/12/2026 7:20 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
So, I will give it away a little bc there are already a couple other chapters out- but he is what the MBI- the Magical Bureau of Iventigation- calles a Duskborn, which is a dark elf and a human- and he does not know he is. not yet but he is about to find out

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[8/12/2026 7:21 PM] meganmarrow_40655
👋🏻

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[8/12/2026 7:21 PM] krislynlyon
Lol I think it was Eris that said "No notes!" I think Vesper's writing is immaculate and that she should monetize by creating an online writing class.

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[8/12/2026 7:21 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
and there will be alot.. and I mean.. alot more magic coming- puck and the MBI, and the rest of the world beyond that magic veil- its all coming

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[8/12/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer
Thank you @Krislyn Lyon , hope you enjoy this bunch of sillies as much as I do

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[8/12/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/bananas-fruits-1

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https://klipy.com/gifs/bananas-fruits-1
Bananas Fruits
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/V7Li11vCyJ8_TIAcuNII2UgvtJ00eq7FKwfXdSzrBRQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4493325008d34b7bf8cd6813cd5c1619/93/d2/Ot6RoQlVmy1bCsZ.webp

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[8/12/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer
@steffie thank you for your patience! Go, lure us to the rocky shores of critical death

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[8/12/2026 7:22 PM] krislynlyon
I saw someone asking her about how long it took her to learn to write that way and found her voice and all. I, also, would read an article about that. Let's go, Vesper. WriterBiography. The people want to know 🙂

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[8/12/2026 7:22 PM] rubygs
Favorite Scene: '"My cat's glowing. He's not your cat."'- I thought this interaction was adorable and hilarious.

Favorite Line: "Actual power, the real kind, the kind she could feel in her back teeth and behind her sternum…"  powerful description.

Question: How did she know he was ex-military?

Critique: "…lying on her floor like every other unremarkable human who'd ever wandered into Champignon by accident looking for an oat milk latte-" Does… does she have a lot of humans doing that then? Seems like this line, which was very long, needs some clarification. Or I just got lost and imsread it

Overall, loved it ❤️

DONE!

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[8/12/2026 7:23 PM] josisofer
@David T Etheredge - Inference , thank you for joining the common folk, GO!

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[8/12/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
Favorite Line(s): 

A man stood in her doorway, soaked through from the rain that had been needling the city all evening... <<<< wonderful use of "needling" - type of rain, how it makes people feel, setting as antagonist?

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[8/12/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
and Puck, who’d been a black loaf of indifference in the window all evening, was suddenly upright, fur on end, every line of him screaming and shimmering with a pale violet glow 

<<< black loaf of indifference is my favorite line I've ever read to describe a cat. I totally can see this pose being taught in Cat Finishing School. It could be resting Cat Yoga pose. So wonderful!

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[8/12/2026 7:24 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
she takes a good guess, but you know? I should add something there- introduce this a bit- maybe show his badge on his belt

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[8/12/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
If she didn’t do something fast, he would die. Here. On her café floor. Between the pastry case and the herbal tea display. _Absolutely not. Her insurance barely covered minor hex damage as it was._ <<< love the voice and the attitude this conveys.

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[8/12/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
“Okay,” she said, to no one, to the room, to her own racing heart. “Okay, good. Good job, everyone.” <<< loved this funny character beat

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[8/12/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
In general, your prose is just DELIGHTFUL to read

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[8/12/2026 7:25 PM] camillabokbok
👋

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[8/12/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
My favorite scene was the unraveling of the black thread - so nicely handled

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[8/12/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
The thread stalled, then began, slow, reluctant, to pull back. <<< the thread seems to begin slowly to retreat twice in close succession.

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[8/12/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
Critiques (loving)


[8/12/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
there are two lines that say almost the same thing


[8/12/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
an ex-military cop <<< where did we learn this?


[8/12/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
I may have missed this?


[8/12/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
The words cost him more than they should have. His vision blurred, sharpened, blurred again, and for the first time he really looked at her. <<< Was this and the next couple of paragraphs describing Morwenna an intentional POV switch?

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[8/12/2026 7:27 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
yup i see that- I realized once ruby and you asked- i never introduced this.. bc i knew it in my brain of course!

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[8/12/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
Finally: Question -- What wounds did you have to open up to write this story? (J/k I think this came from your inner Bob Ross amiright???)

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[8/12/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/12/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
@𝐋𝐂 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 you're up, GO!


[8/12/2026 7:27 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
This is a thing I do - I hop around and yup, I need to work on that!

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[8/12/2026 7:28 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
and yes it was intentional, more like my brai was like.. oh time to switch let's go!


[8/12/2026 7:28 PM] lcdouglass
Hi Vesper! Great piece! 😄 I liked the setting and the sudden pressure. In the midst of that, I liked how you kept coming back to the fact that Morwenna is attracted to Gideon.
Gideon’s eyes were still closed, his breathing deep and slow and entirely too peaceful for a man who’d been actively dying ninety seconds ago, and Morwenna allowed herself exactly five seconds to just look at him — the line of his jaw, the dark lashes, the absurd, almost insulting symmetry of his face, the kind of face that had no business showing up in a tea shop at closing covered in blood and poison and whatever-that-hum-was — before she remembered herself, remembered the floor, remembered that she was a grown woman of considerable magical training currently ogling an unconscious stranger like a teenager.

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[8/12/2026 7:28 PM] lcdouglass
I liked the pacing and the economical prose - very tight. One of the best moments was when you slowed it down: He stopped. Swallowed. Tried again, with the careful, deliberate enunciation of someone very determined not to sound as out of it as he clearly felt.

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[8/12/2026 7:29 PM] lcdouglass
The magical context - a world where magic is normal - reminded me of several films in the 90s that depicted magic as part of the everyday fabric of reality, like 'Cast a Deadly Spell,' 'Lord of Illusions,' and 'Witch Hunt.'

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[8/12/2026 7:29 PM] lcdouglass
Slight critique: I wondered about Puck's glowing. I get that Morwenna is just trying to get Gideon to focus on her under the circumstances. 'He does that. It's fine.' Even so, the dialogue felt a bit too casual under the circumstances. What does it mean if he's glowing? Is Puck warning against the magic poison affecting Gideon? It made me wonder where the line is for these characters.

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[8/12/2026 7:29 PM] lcdouglass
What really scares them? It made me want to know, if this is the baseline - urgent and scary but not terrifying - what is terrifying for these people? It made me think of the film 'A Dark Song,' where the discussion of magic is kind of mundane and practical and framed by the personalities of the characters. Then it gets really serious.

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[8/12/2026 7:30 PM] lcdouglass
done


[8/12/2026 7:30 PM] josisofer
@MEGAN MARROW you've washed ashore, no time to look for water, GO!


[8/12/2026 7:30 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Oh no.

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[8/12/2026 7:30 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
So, my goal was to just introduce you fast to the two main characters, and then insinuate a bit about Puck and Janet, and yes, Puck picks up on the poison being there

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[8/12/2026 7:30 PM] meganmarrow_40655
That’s a lot of pressure I would definitely die

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[8/12/2026 7:31 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I haven’t been able to catch up on everyone else’s feedback so sorry if it’s repetitive. But I find this story utterly charming. It’s cozy, mysterious, delightfully funny, sweet and also badass at the same time.

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[8/12/2026 7:31 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Fav line: “your cat is glowing”

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[8/12/2026 7:31 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I mean it’s not your best line but it’s my fav

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[8/12/2026 7:31 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I love writing that- just.. ordinary days with extraordinary things happening. and the next chapter introduces more of the world, the why and the how- bit by bit

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[8/12/2026 7:32 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Fav scene: all of it?


[8/12/2026 7:32 PM] meganmarrow_40655
But if I had to choose


[8/12/2026 7:32 PM] meganmarrow_40655
“That too.” Her hands weren’t steady, and she hated that, hated it with a heat that climbed straight up the back of her neck — because she didn’t get rattled, she’d stood her ground in front of things with three heads and worse manners and not so much as blinked, and now here she was on her own floor in a four-dollar apron with her hands shaking because some impossibly, unfairly handsome stranger had walked in bleeding from a wound that should have already killed him.

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[8/12/2026 7:32 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Unfairly handsome. Why are they always!!??

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[8/12/2026 7:33 PM] josisofer
Because they must be

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[8/12/2026 7:33 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
its law, I didn't choose the life, it chose me

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[8/12/2026 7:33 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Also him being annoying adorable while dying. Damn you, Vesper for making me falling for another one of your characters.

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[8/12/2026 7:33 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
imma go do it again my friend

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[8/12/2026 7:33 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I don’t have any problems with really any of this. I don’t think you promised anything you didn’t deliver. I think there was a POV slip into what he’s seeing and thinking when he’s describing her eyes and freckles.

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[8/12/2026 7:33 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
yup, you are right


[8/12/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
This or right up my alley. I want more. I need it like crack cocaine

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[8/12/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
🤣

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[8/12/2026 7:34 PM] meganmarrow_40655
DONE


[8/12/2026 7:34 PM] josisofer
@camillabokbok , you're clucking up, GO!


[8/12/2026 7:34 PM] camillabokbok
Thank' you! I just wanted to say, the atmosphere reminded me so much of Aziraphale and Crowley, Good Omens. I wish you had written the story in their universe. It felt like a real book, witty, uncanny and full of poise. I loved it.

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[8/12/2026 7:35 PM] meganmarrow_40655
Also side note I had to hide in the bathroom from my family to give my feedback so you’re welcome

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[8/12/2026 7:35 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I've watched a little of good Omens but haven't gone back to see more.


[8/12/2026 7:35 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
bless you! thank you !

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[8/12/2026 7:35 PM] camillabokbok
Ohhhhh Good Omens will wreck you in all the good ways.


[8/12/2026 7:36 PM] josisofer
@camillabokbok are you done?


[8/12/2026 7:36 PM] camillabokbok
Done ✅

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[8/12/2026 7:36 PM] josisofer
Okay, anyone want to raise their hand, do so while I take my shot at this


[8/12/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
Favorite Lines: 

““Your cat’s glowing.”

“He does that. It’s fine.” The jar came free, and Janet, her grimoire, heavy, leather-bound, far too opinionated to be furniture, gave an irritated thump from her shelf, pages riffling open on their own. “Not now, Janet, I know, I can see it—”

“Your book just moved.””

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[8/12/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
I love how distracted this man is while he’s actively dying.

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[8/12/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
AND

“Gideon’s eyes were still closed, his breathing deep and slow and entirely too peaceful for a man who’d been actively dying ninety seconds ago, and Morwenna allowed herself exactly five seconds to just look at him — the line of his jaw, the dark lashes, the absurd, almost insulting symmetry of his face, the kind of face that had no business showing up in a tea shop at closing covered in blood and poison and whatever-that-hum-was — before she remembered herself, remembered the floor, remembered that she was a grown woman of considerable magical training currently ogling an unconscious stranger like a teenager.”


[8/12/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
I love it because it’s almost like Morwenna doesn’t realize she’s in Chapter 1 of a Paranormal Romance.

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[8/12/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
In all seriousness, authors need to give story credible reasons to describe people that isn’t cliched or boring. You pulled that off here. Kudos.

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[8/12/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
Criticism:


[8/12/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
As mentioned by others, you had a bit of a run-on sentence issue

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[8/12/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
This is an action sequence.


[8/12/2026 7:38 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
always !


[8/12/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
Keep your sentences short.

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[8/12/2026 7:39 PM] josisofer
Make them punch hard.


[8/12/2026 7:39 PM] josisofer
There’s a man is dying, bleeding on the floor. By using so many commas, you’re softening each clause.

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[8/12/2026 7:39 PM] josisofer
There isn’t a letter to waste.

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[8/12/2026 7:39 PM] josisofer
About the pov switching, just a new paragraph when using the third person, that's all. It's enough for me, a clause leading with who's thoughts you're channeling usually does the trick for most readers.

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[8/12/2026 7:40 PM] josisofer
Positive Critique: You juggled the elements PNR readers want in Chapter 1 well. There are no story elements missing. We exit the chapter with questions, and solving her immediate problem of a man dying on her floor just opened a can of worms for Morwenna. And you did it all while maintaining a good pace, this takes experience.

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[8/12/2026 7:40 PM] josisofer
Question: Why? Why must you be so much better than me at story? JK, it’s envy, but I tip my hat to you, Madam.

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[8/12/2026 7:40 PM] josisofer
DONE


[8/12/2026 7:41 PM] josisofer
Does anyone else want to go?


[8/12/2026 7:42 PM] josisofer
Okey, @VesperLRayne anything you want to shout back at all of us? Hex us with named book or glowing cat?

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[8/12/2026 7:42 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
So, thank you - first of all I do always get something from eveyrone's feedback

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[8/12/2026 7:42 PM] starcryst
🐈‍⬛

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[8/12/2026 7:43 PM] josisofer
Alright @everyone, thanks for joining us tonight for Write Club! Now head over to the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d silly geese, and 4d shameless self-promotion!

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[8/12/2026 7:43 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
One thing I will say and maybe not offend anyone- but my writing is NOT serious.. LIke.. I am not going for prizes or awards. I am writing what I LOVE and the humor I want- I love funny, silly bizzare oddities going on next to Linda putting her cart in the middle of an aisle and pissing eveyrone off- so alot of my work is really just.. play? if that makes sense

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[8/12/2026 7:44 PM] somedesertrat
If you're not writing what you love, why write at all?

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[8/12/2026 7:45 PM] josisofer
In all seriousness, this a rom com, aka upmarket fiction, you're sitting on query gold if you can take the gold feedback you got here and level up further.


[8/12/2026 7:46 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
And I don't want to always follow conventional "rules" .. its my brain- always fightig and saying. why ? 🤣 but in the end yes, like Cal said, writing should be what you love and how you like.. and THANK YOU ALL for being lovely and kind and amazing and spending time with my stuff !

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[8/12/2026 7:46 PM] josisofer
Being able to break the right rules is what makes bestsellers

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[8/12/2026 7:47 PM] josisofer
If you haven't read ASSISTANT TO THE VILLAIN, I assure you it's worth your time

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[8/12/2026 7:47 PM] josisofer
You'll see this is right up your alley


[8/12/2026 7:47 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
i will check it out!


[8/12/2026 7:50 PM] somedesertrat
I would also through the Lily Sanger Series by Lydia Sherrer out there to for a gander.

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[8/12/2026 7:51 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
thanks Carl!

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[8/12/2026 7:56 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I think you could contend with Ali Hazelwood.


[8/12/2026 8:05 PM] thegalacticwriter
@VesperLRayne 
Hi, Vesper! I loved the set-up dread, the small descriptive details throughout the story, and the “inside Morwenna’s head narratives” and her vulnerability yet stoicism at the end.  

Your humor shines throughout the tale, which I enjoyed.

The use of the glowing cat was brilliant to identify hallucinations—or not.

I am new to reading this genre, so I don’t have anything that jumped out to highlight to edit. I enjoyed all of it. 

Now off to get ice for my husband’s leg.🙃

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[8/12/2026 8:06 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I am sorry to hear about your husband, I hope he is okay! and thank you for the feedback. This is just romance and fantasy- romantasy is what they call it I guess


[8/12/2026 8:08 PM] thegalacticwriter
Thank you! We’re not sure whether he’s gonna need the doctor tomorrow but I’m a nurse so we’ll find out in the morning right now he’s pretty sore and swollen. I hope you had a nice time tonight. It was great to get to know you through story. I became a subscriber!!💜

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[8/12/2026 8:09 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
oh thank you!


[8/12/2026 8:56 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
My favorite line was "my cat's glowing." I thought it was a mistake at first and then laughed and then realized how fucked up he is at that moment to say it's his cat. I loved the book with opinions. My only criticism is this line "“C’mon, c’mon, you don’t get to die on my floor, I just mopped, I have standards…”
felt out of place slightly. Not in the tone but just the last word. I wanted it to be a little longer to land it, like it needed another line or two instead of being cut off: "which would be really inconvenient for me. More inconvenient for you. But I'd be the one mopping you up."
The pacing and turns were great: Hot guy. Scary guy. Wounded guy. dying guy. glowing cat. Thumping book... you put a lot of info in a short amount of writing and you did it well.

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[8/12/2026 10:07 PM] .revanarchy
I ask myself this every single time she publishes. I hate knowing I will only ever be the second best urban fantasy writer on SS.

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[8/13/2026 5:37 AM] hellerbard_36669
Hi @VesperLRayne
Thanks for sharing this! As always, dropping this a day late due to being on a different part of the planet, but I’ve included some feedback below on The Witch and the Duskborn, which- spoilers- I really, really enjoyed! 
Let’s start with-
**MY FAVOURITE LINE:**
*A man stood in her doorway, soaked through from the rain that had been needling the city all evening, one hand braced white-knuckled against the frame and the other pressed flat to his side. And under the cinnamon and clove and the candle she’d lit an hour ago for closing, she could smell it— black and oily and cold, crawling into her shop like something that had no business existing in the same air as bergamot.”*
Okay, technically, this is a favourite paragraph, but I couldn’t choose. Don’t judge me.
So much going on here- a beautifully written passage that wastes not a single word while simultaneously developing character, setting, and conflict. The “needling” rain alluding to the unpleasant weather sitting outside the door to this cosy, delightfully aromatic café ( mood, atmosphere and tone set? Check ) the injury to our mysterious stranger; and the alien, strange wrongness that comes with him. At this point of course, we don’t know if he’s carrying it, or if it comes from him 🤔
**CRITIQUE:**
A few years back, my daughter got me into reading romantasy. It was a trade-off- I’d read a book she recommended ( a lot of romantasy, dark academia, and dystopian stories about traumatized teenagers finding love amongst the ruins of society ) she’d read one I suggested ( usually horror, cozy sci-fi and fantasy, and a whole lot of Steinbeck ) and we’d discuss them. So I managed to read a fair few books in this genre before she decided that all she wanted to do was study biology textbooks and binge watch ice-hockey romances on Netflix 🙃 
I liked quite a lot of them. I appreciated how much fun the authors seemed to be having.

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[8/13/2026 5:37 AM] hellerbard_36669
Nevertheless, I can tell you right now- so far, I’ve enjoyed with The Witch and the Duskborn more than I have anything else I’ve read in this genre. I’m checking out the other instalments right away!
Your main character’s voice comes across in every line- simultaneously cynical, yet still hopeful and optimistic. I’m immediately invested in them as a protagonist. The café setting is constructed with very effectively used sensory imagery and the worldbuilding hints at the rules of this urban fantasy setting- the glowing cat, the book thumping and trying to get her attention, the hints at the otherworldly terrors that lurk behind the Veil- and witches, of course.  
These are all encouraging me to read on, because I want to know more about the world, but the story you’ve kicked off here is what’s really going to have me coming back. 
The cop- who or what tried to kill him? Why? What was he into? He seems genuinely shocked and surprised by the supernatural shenanigans he’s seen in the café so far, implying an ignorance of the other world that Morwenna inhabits- but the nature of his blood implies that he has a connection to it whether he knows it or not.
Also- do I think it was a coincidence that after being poisoned by a magical toxin, he should happen to stagger into the one café in this whole town with a witch barista in attendance that can cure him? 
I do not. 
On the romantic front, the connection between the tall, dark expectedly vulnerable stranger and the adorable copper-haired spell weaving witch trying to save his life is electric and immediate without being over the top.

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[8/13/2026 5:38 AM] hellerbard_36669
Oh, and just because apparently this is the kind of thing I noticed at this moment because I’m dead inside- this is the one part of the story where I got pulled out of the narrative a little. In the paragraph with the description of Morwenna: 
*“Hair somewhere between copper and carrot, thick and half-escaped from whatever she’d tried to tame it with, spilling forward as she leaned over him. Freckles dusted the bridge of her nose and cheeks, the kind that came from actual sun instead of makeup. And her eyes—”*
Great character description- and one of those moments when the way I’ve pictured a character is a dead match for the way the writer imagines them- but because the story up to this point was firmly in the third-person limited point of view, with the focus on Morwenna, skipping over to Gideon Marsh as the focaliser, even for a moment:
*“<Her eyes>…lavender that looked like blue depending on the way the light hit. Clear and honest, and fixed entirely on saving his life-”
was a bit of a jolt. Could be just me, though. *
**OVERALL**
This is a fantastic start to the serial. Appealing and engaging character, setting established with room for expansion, mysterious attackers and two ridiculously attractive lead characters who have a whole story to build on that romantic tension you’ve laid out here. 
This is great. I’m invested. More, please!

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[8/16/2026 12:07 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
Hello and thank you so much for your feedback!


[8/16/2026 12:08 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I had to copy this out and put it in my notes, thank you so much for that!

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[8/16/2026 12:09 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
there are two more chapters out- and working on the rest ☺️

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[8/16/2026 12:14 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I just want to say a genuine thank you to everyone who took the time to read The Witch and the Duskborn and leave feedback. I know how much everyone has going on, and the fact that you sat down with something I wrote, thought about it, and then took even more time to tell me what worked for you, what caught your attention, and where something pulled you out means a great deal to me.

This is exactly what I hoped this group could be—not a place where we simply tell each other “this is good,” but somewhere we can be enthusiastic about the things we love while also helping each other see our work a little more clearly. Every comment gave me something: things I want to protect in the story, things I hadn't realized were landing as strongly as they were, and places I can make better.

And there is something incredibly lovely about having other writers spend time with Morwenna and Gideon and care about what happens to them. They lived entirely in my head not very long ago. Now other people are asking questions about them and wanting to know what happens next, and that is a very strange and wonderful little bit of magic.

So truly—thank you. For reading, for thinking, for being thoughtful with your criticism, and for being generous with your encouragement. I appreciate all of it. ❤️

Also, apparently I committed a small POV crime and the English teacher caught me. 😂 I accept my citation.

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