============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-13-26-chris-swallow ============================================================== [8/3/2026 10:03 PM] spitz79 https://tanziltalks.substack.com/p/the-grimoire-of-tanzil-chapter-one {Embed} https://tanziltalks.substack.com/p/the-grimoire-of-tanzil-chapter-one The Grimoire of Tanzil - Chapter One The Memory Remains https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/IuZQVCYg2moX17q1Ht3VbX18yc-JVTuWlwHcgNmtHjE/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21OS03%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Ftanziltalks.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F195391619%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) ❤️‍🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 4:09 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Hi there. So sorry to miss tonight, but wanted to share that I read the first chapter and was so impressed. You pulled me in, all the way. Can't wait to read more!! {Reactions} ❤️‍🔥 [8/13/2026 4:39 PM] rubygs Sorry I'll likely miss as well {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 4:41 PM] vaelinshadowbloom I've read most of this so I will RETURN WITH STUFF when I am not working. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 6:09 PM] starcryst @everyone If you'd like to help promote our author tonight - you know what to do with the link and note below! See you all at 7pm. https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-314283733 {Embed} https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-314283733 David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge) Tonight at Write Club @Chris Swallow - Fantasy Writer’s story The Grimoire of Tanzil,, Ch. 1 - The Memory Remains. If you’d like to join us (all are welcome) read the story below and hope on Discord at http://WriteClub.Chat at 7pm EST. It’s a blast and you’ll meet some fantastic, supportive, authors. https://tanziltalks.substack.com/p/t... https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/1ClkBxoV094MLB_u9hWtobwFy_ZrYBGBOBAhQMSC11s/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21_DeS%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Ffe829eb6-4367-4eb9-a4de-a95696733057_1672x941.png {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/13/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/present-mic-yeah {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/present-mic-yeah Present Mic's Powerful 'Yeah!' https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/TrMzMHeYmz-zFL7I8zT1Y89nSYRft6Dpo5ftzhlSHWI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d7aec6f6f171607374b2065c836f92f4/0d/4f/scqUFQUg.webp {Reactions} 💯 foxParty [8/13/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst @everyone It's time for WRITE CLUB. [8/13/2026 7:00 PM] thegalacticwriter Yayyyy! [8/13/2026 7:00 PM] somedesertrat https://klipy.com/gifs/nagomi-nagomi-wahira {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/nagomi-nagomi-wahira Nagomi Nagomi Wahira https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/1rkbzt8sANSgHFnaKX0DOqcpu0lNNRDwoLq7H6ge_2k/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4493325008d34b7bf8cd6813cd5c1619/61/c6/whGJRQ4IHU7h.webp {Reactions} 🤣 [8/13/2026 7:01 PM] spitz79 https://klipy.com/gifs/excited-ah-1 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/excited-ah-1 Man Screaming Excitedly with Hands Up https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/sg1emY9gxfePQFOYDGApv85yh-PzfHnV2ngvPDAamuk/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d7aec6f6f171607374b2065c836f92f4/6e/68/J4L4hWLo.webp {Reactions} 😂 [8/13/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst if you are a newcomer, welcome! and here is our chat format! 🙂 {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1531791039860445215/1537596945571254322/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f77e&is=6ab7a5fe&hm=94d531458e9f7531107d59febf0cd77ef7dd36a0bdbce2eff164aa670663151c& {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:01 PM] runeknight3 👋 [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] thegalacticwriter 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] somuchfor_subtlety 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] somuchfor_subtlety Finally, no meetings at 4pm [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] somuchfor_subtlety Oh hey I got a goat [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst @DastardlyDrave what flavor or feedback you want tonight? Car ear or Ful rontal {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat -# a bunch of us got goated cuz we're awesome {Reactions} ❤️‍🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:03 PM] spitz79 I'm a full frontal kinda guy. 😉 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 💯 (3) 😈 [8/13/2026 7:03 PM] yamamoto6008 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst Noice! {Reactions} 🤣 [8/13/2026 7:03 PM] somedesertrat he wants them extra letters [8/13/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst Okay if you are ready to go, please raise your yellow surgical glove in the air. [8/13/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst and when you are finished with feedback remember to say DONE [8/13/2026 7:04 PM] somuchfor_subtlety ✋ {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst @RuneKnight3 GO! [8/13/2026 7:05 PM] .revanarchy 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:06 PM] .revanarchy 👋 Second time for Kris {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:07 PM] bdallen_81124 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:07 PM] starcryst @RuneKnight3 ye there? [8/13/2026 7:07 PM] runeknight3 Chris, loved the story. I worked for the better part of two decades as a caregiver for my mom, first when she lost her legs due to lymphedema, then after my father died and she was increasingly elderly. In the latter part of her decline she developed a form of dementia called "sundowners" where as the day transitions to night she would become confused and irritable outside controlled conditions. I mention this not to be a downer, but to first compliment you on how you depict elderly dementia. In its very worst it can be constant, but its often a problem that comes and goes, and the afflicted often struggles to remain operational. You also do very well taking your time to establish the emotional weight of someone dealing with that problem: loving your relative, but hating what's happened to them. That's very important here in a writing sense because it not only justifies the stakes, but it emphasizes *pacing*. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🫂 (6) [8/13/2026 7:07 PM] somuchfor_subtlety He's typin' :typecat: {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:08 PM] runeknight3 Sorry, much scribble. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:10 PM] runeknight3 - Pacing is important here because many stories come from the 'get into the action as quickly as possible' school, which is important, but ill-used you don't have enough time to really contemplate the goings on. This chapter needed us to know Johnothon and his grandfather and the strength of their relationship intimately so that the final act could finally hit like a hammer and it does. You knew right where to end it so a reader would want to read more with a growing mystery. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 💯 (2) [8/13/2026 7:10 PM] runeknight3 DONE. [8/13/2026 7:10 PM] starcryst @The Galactic Writer GO! [8/13/2026 7:10 PM] thegalacticwriter Hi, Chris! I was speechless after reading this and thrilled it’s the beginning of a longer story. I would end up highlighting over half your chapter to point out all the things I loved about your writing. The family nuances, the WEL OME mat, and the primary feeling we can relate to: the fear of loss and fear of seeing a loved one change or disappear before our eyes. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:10 PM] spitz79 Thank you so, incredibly much. That means so much. [8/13/2026 7:10 PM] thegalacticwriter In the spirit of Stories That Heal, I’ll be thinking about your story when I walk into my parents home after one or both of them pass away. They are 93 and 89. It was almost a gift to read, to (falsely) prepare yet ready me for when that time comes. Your story also inspired me to write a letter to each of my grandchildren and two children, giving them a coherent and heartfelt message they can read, in case I go the route of the grandpa in your story. [8/13/2026 7:11 PM] thegalacticwriter So, no edits. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the emotions conjured up. And that’s a good thing. A tip of the hat to you, friend. I’m glad Write Club forced me to read your work!😂 I’ll be doing more of that! (DONE!)🧑🏼‍🦯📚 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 👍 (2) 💯 (2) [8/13/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst @Carl Price GO! [8/13/2026 7:11 PM] spitz79 😢 Thank you, Linda. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat PREFACE: I tried to clarify my thoughts from the initial jottings on Notepad. I might have missed one or two, so if something seems odd, call it out and I can expand if requested. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 ❤️‍🔥 [8/13/2026 7:12 PM] somedesertrat General Feedback: Don't take this the wrong way, but I hated reading this. Not because it was poorly written, because it wasn't. Not because it's obviously how much emotion you appear to have tapped into, because it's apparent there was more than enough. I hated reading this because it was **so fucking well done**. A fuckin' gut-punch for men aged 41-50. The environmental descriptions gave me the perfect amount to start with and then added more detail to fill in the gaps. Jonathon's emotional actions and reactions were spot on based on my own knowledge and experience with his situation (not the cursed book). {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) ❤️‍🔥 (3) 💯 (2) 🫂 (5) [8/13/2026 7:12 PM] somedesertrat Fave Scene: Where Jonathon is cataloguing the interior of the house. the way the memories are woven in with the narration flows in such a smooth rhythm that, when I realized how far ahead I pre-read, I went back to re-read and make sure I didn't miss something. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) 💯 (4) 🦾 (2) [8/13/2026 7:12 PM] somedesertrat Fave Line: *Even in his eighties, his hits still hurt.* It's a simple line. But it carries a nostalgic weight to it better than any of the recollections could. [8/13/2026 7:12 PM] somedesertrat Constructive Criticism: I really think it should have ended a scene early. to me, cutting it at *Jonathon couldn’t move, his own eyes burning, afraid to blink, as the old man hyperventilated. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…* would be a perfect point for a cliffhanger, because this closes right when you realize you're not in for a 'Let's deal with Grief' piece, but some potentially serious ooky-spooky shit. [8/13/2026 7:12 PM] somedesertrat Question: "Why does this remind me of Ray Bradbury so much?" {Reactions} 🎩 (2) [8/13/2026 7:13 PM] somedesertrat DUN-ZO [8/13/2026 7:13 PM] spitz79 I don't know but WOW. Thanks. 😉 {Reactions} 👍 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst @SGH GO [8/13/2026 7:13 PM] somuchfor_subtlety Notepad paste hooooooo {Reactions} 😂 (2) 🤣 [8/13/2026 7:13 PM] somuchfor_subtlety Good imagery. The overgrown yard, the gnomes, the tumbledown-ness of it all. Good premise, the book, the dementia. The emotion is well-rendered, also -- Jonathan's guilt and uncertainty jumps off the page. It's an enticing start. Some constructive notes: -The opening scene (outside the house) feels very static. He's sitting in the car, deciding to go inside. I think you could get some juice out of the drive -- what he sees along the way, lots of opportunities to turn back and not do this. Then when he gets to the house, he can make a quicker, sharper decision. -Repetitive description (each piece is individually good) but they make the moments drag a bit. The gnomes are feral, bushwacking, and intrepid adventuring -- feral + the other two cut against one another (feral things don't bushwack, they stalk, they hide, they stare menacingly from within the tall grass). The steering wheel gets two graffs -- they're both well done, but it's a lot for grabbing a steering wheel tightly. I think if you trim down certain areas of description, it opens up more room for specificity elsewhere, which I'll get into next. -Specificity in description: This tweaked me in a few spots: "The first was a portrait of him, his mom and dad, and Charlene standing in front of his grandpa’s oak tree. Pure 80s nostalgia with the clothes, the hair, and genuine smiles on their faces." -- If you describe the clothes and hair specifically, rather than just saying they're from the 80s, we get a little more of a taste of these people's vibes. i.e., are they dressed in L.L. Bean and Sears suburban standards? Meshback cap for Dad, feathered hair for mom, corduroy on the kids? That reads as decent, unglamorous, suburban. Bowling league shirt, a lit Winston, Charlene in Oshkosh overalls? More blue collar. "Dust-coated photos clung to the walls: Korean War buddies, long-gone relatives, and random people with frozen smiles. Among all of them, three photos always stood out for how much cleaner they were than all the others." -- Random people could be more specific. If grandpa befriended random people and had photos of them, that's interesting and remarkable in and of itself. If they're a specific sort of random people, or from a particular time and place, likewise, that gives us more texture on who grandpa is. Also here -- I think the timeline math doesn't quite math. If he's 83, he would've been eight years old when the Korean War started. Vietnam fits more cleanly, and is generally more of a bummer, thematically, so it makes Willard's suicide hit different. "The walls of the room, normally lined with hundreds of hardback books, meticulously categorized and aligned, were now a mess of stacked, tilted, and misplaced books. The sprawled open books, resting on bent pages next to a tower of dusty novels, made his skin crawl." -- What kind of books? This would be illuminating for both grandpa and Jonathan. Last thing: I think it'd be good to breadcrumb the weirdness in the story a little more. The fact that Amelia taught him 'Victorian-era blossoms' like Queen Ann's Lace is weird and witchy, and you could hit it a little bit harder. Likewise, the books could be a good vector for weirdness -- some Manly P. Hall, maybe, Aleister Crowley, or Lionel Snell. Maybe something weird in the pictures. Maybe something in the front yard, a dreamcatcher, a stick effigy, etc. All stuff that could potentially be dismissed as grandpa going batty, but also maybe legitimately mystical. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) ❤️‍🔥 (3) 🔥 (2) 💜 (2) [8/13/2026 7:15 PM] spitz79 Really great feedback. The book is set in 2013, but I left that vague, so I definitely can see your point on Clive's age. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:15 PM] somuchfor_subtlety Got it -- then he's 21 and it's all gucci! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:16 PM] somuchfor_subtlety Done, btw {Reactions} 👍 [8/13/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst @Eris Index GO! [8/13/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex Favorite lines: –One of them, a grandma-looking gnome with cracked chubby cheeks and faded eyebrows, had tipped, her pointed stone hat cracking against the columns where the steps met the porch.-- I am obsessed with this image you’ve painted for the reader. Everyone should love gnomes. Those little bastards come alive at night and do all of your forgotten yardwork. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 😂 💯 [8/13/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex –Amelia, his grandpa’s second wife, would say the ivy was ‘living its best life,’ as it wound up the spindles and onto the roof.-- More fantastic imagery. I LOVE the way you give the yard so much personality and life. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 💯 [8/13/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex –After she died, he never cut them again.-- This line does LOADS of work. (I had a lot of lines, and had to trim it down) [8/13/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex Favorite scenes: The arrival at the house, its imagery, and the emotions portrayed by the narrator. That scene did a whole hell of a lot for this story without cramming all of the backstory inside it. It’s a really good, emotional set-up. I loved the wild lawn, damaged gnomes, the ivy, the tire swing. And it leads to: “Time heals all things.” And then one of my faves: “The fuck it does.” Great line, but also great character work. It could have been corny, but the set-up before makes it hit just right. [8/13/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex The other scene was when Grandpa wakes up and doesn’t recognize him at first. “Jonny-boy?” That absolutely sucks… A lot of us know that feeling. And then later the scene where Grandpa goes demon-mode–black eyes and all. I was really wondering what the heck was going on, and I loved it. [8/13/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex Criticism: As much as I loved the imagery, the first half is too long. None of the memories are bad, and some of them are excellent. But there are so many memory/detail passages that I was slipping away, wanting the story to move a little bit faster. We get lawn, tire swing, missed birthday, sister guilt, house condition, Amelia and the ivy, doorbell, doormat, smell, wallpaper, flower name, family photos, Jonathan’s name story, Amelia’s photo, another person’s photo, and quite a bit more before we ever make it to Grandpa. All of it together slows it down. {Reactions} 💯 (2) 👆 [8/13/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex Overall, I really enjoyed this one. LOVED the imagery. The relationship was gold, and carried me through the entire thing. Dumb jokes and old memories- everything made it seem so real. The supernatural stuff worked better because I already cared about the characters and what was happening. [8/13/2026 7:18 PM] spitz79 Fair point. [8/13/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex Question: How much of his decline is age/illness and how much is due to the supernatural stuff? DONE. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:18 PM] spitz79 about 20/80 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst @Kostia Dmytriiev GO! [8/13/2026 7:19 PM] snowpuppie 👋 [8/13/2026 7:20 PM] yamamoto6008 **Best line: **With his eyes shut, the steering wheel’s broken plastic beneath his hands became fibers of the old hemp rope pricking into child-sized palms as Grandpa Clive spun them in circles. **Best scene: **Grandpa collapsing and Tanzil reveal. **Criticism: **It was so well written I blanked out like the grandpa and found myself at the end of the chapter. So, nothing caught my eye. Beautifully written. I can probably agree with some of the previous criticism on 1st part dragging for too long. **Question: **What was your inspiration for it? {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/13/2026 7:20 PM] yamamoto6008 The paragraphs before the house were probably the only ones I kept looking for feedback [8/13/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008 I guess this would be the only indications they may need some trim [8/13/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008 Really well written! [8/13/2026 7:21 PM] yamamoto6008 And DONE [8/13/2026 7:21 PM] spitz79 I wanted to tell a story where loss, grief, and feeling like you've failed at something important were the central theme... but in a portal fantasy... and it kind of evolved as I wrote. It turned into therapy for me on the page. Jonathon with different life experiences. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (3) 🫂 (3) [8/13/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst @Joshua Bader GO! [8/13/2026 7:21 PM] .revanarchy Lets do Kris first. [8/13/2026 7:22 PM] .revanarchy Favorite quote - Jonathon’s entire body shook, unable to catch a single full breath, as he sat glued to the couch, wishing he could look away. Favorite scene - I have been privileged with the ability to read it all. I can't pick a favorite scene. It is amazing. Critique - As his editor, I feel like he's gotten several hundred of them from me. So instead.. Praise - The nostalgia is absolutely amazing. The emotional content of Jonathan is astounding. I really feel connected to the characters and Drave is a phenomenal writer. Well done, sir. I'll read anything you put out. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/13/2026 7:22 PM] .revanarchy Done with Kris [8/13/2026 7:22 PM] .revanarchy For mine... Favorite Line/Scene: The avoidance guilt zombie thing told me everything about the family roles between him and his little sister and the relationship with his grandpa. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:22 PM] spitz79 My favorite word wizard! Thanks, Kris. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:22 PM] .revanarchy Criticism: I am not typically a portal fantasy guy, but this has me intrigued. The pacing runs a little bit slow for me, but given that this is the start of a novel length work I can live with that. I want to read more. Really well done sir. A lot of legitimate emotional content here. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:23 PM] .revanarchy Question: This is going portal fantasy, right? [8/13/2026 7:23 PM] .revanarchy Done [8/13/2026 7:23 PM] spitz79 Thanks. I'm really grateful for all of the pacing feedback on Chapter 1. and YES. It starts at the end of Chapter 2. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:24 PM] spitz79 (Which 2-6 are available on my Substack (shameless plug) 😉 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst @BD Allen GO! [8/13/2026 7:24 PM] bdallen_81124 Favorite Scene: Despite anything I say next, the scene with grandpa was really good and had me hooked on it's own. Whatever my suggestions later, keep this scene. It's a good scene to build up to even more. Favorite Line: This whole paragraph really showcased your style. You can do some heavy lifting with it. "With his feet firmly planted on solid ground..." {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Other than Snowpuppy, did I miss anyone? [8/13/2026 7:25 PM] bdallen_81124 Constructive Criticism: I see what you're going for as has everyone else, and I say you can go further. Do you want us to feel what Jonathon is feeling in this scene? How much? I feel like the narrative is asking a lot of the reader emotionally while shunting responsibility for it--thus you give us an emotional cue in the soundtrack while having the character dismiss it as on-the-nose. It feels very meta, which kinda took me out. It's a heavy feeling, guilt and grief mixed, so let us feel that properly by backing all the way up, even if the character isn't ready to deal with it. Instead of diving into this heavy moment, give us moments with his grandfather up front rather than bits of flashback and exposition. Build the relationship first, then we'll feel something about it without all this "look at this photograph!", and thus a greater connection to the moment and main character. It's also a good way to deliver that family history and give a sense of why Jonathon is the way he is.... {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:25 PM] bdallen_81124 You can either give that a whole chapter, or with some real style-work, just a few paragraphs might do the trick, but walk us up to this heavy moment. I think you have the style to support that kind of strategy as well as a closer narrative distance, which would also help the emotional distance. Alternatively, this chapter could be doing too much. We're launching straight into family history, emotional history, backstory, trauma of the moment itself, inciting incident. That's a lot to take in off the rip. I think Tad Williams' *The War of the Flowers* does an excellent job in a similar situation. He has other pacing issues, but the first 100 pages really had me, set up and main character. You could do something similar by just taking your time with this early set up. If done right then there's plenty of conflict and drama to be had in all of that family history we got. Question for the Author: However! As an online serialized novel, this opening works to throw us into things quickly. It's very quick and dirty and as a pulp fan I genuinely appreciate that. But I think it brings up a question of pacing. So, how do you envision this novel? A sprawling, intricate online narrative that can change and grow, or a fat tome/s on your shelf? Done! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/13/2026 7:26 PM] spitz79 I have the 36 chapters done and in revision. Book 1 of 3. It's a huge story and I'm LOVING every second of telling it. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst @Lisa N Snowe GO! [8/13/2026 7:26 PM] snowpuppie Your ability to generate imagery and atmosphere is wonderful. I could smell that grass, feel the cracked paint and edges of those old, weathered gnomes, and even see / smell the thickness of the air inside. And what a wonderful twist your story has: transporting us out of the "everyday" by hinting of a lot more beyond our time and place, through his grandpa's experiences. Well done. 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:26 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Line(s): "One of them, a grandma-looking gnome with cracked chubby cheeks and faded eyebrows, had tipped, her pointed stone hat cracking against the columns where the steps met the porch" You transported me. Who can't relate to this, for real. "Time heals all things. He kicked a fallen shingle off the steps of the porch. The fuck it does." I really got into his head with that one, great characterization here - it was very visceral, and genuine. {Reactions} 🔥 ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Scene(s): When his Grandpa first notices him after waking up in the chair. It was awkward, and anxious, and yet it was also nostalgic and beautiful, all at once. The ending: "He was, once again, back in the mind of that scared kid, watching the strongest man he’d ever known tell him he believed a god damned book was talking to him. That this—this insane moment—above all of the amazing moments of their lives together, would be it. This would become the defining memory. His grandpa slowly released the vise grip on Jonathon’s shoulders and looked at him with chillingly calm eyes. Read the book.." Chills. Yes, Jonathan, READ THE BOOK! We want you to *read the book*! XD {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] snowpuppie Critique: There are a few places where lines or words were repeated in close proximity, and it stuttered the natural flow of your really gorgeous, geniuine prose for me. The first opening scenes were a little long, perhaps? Once he got to grandpa things went at a great pace. 🙂 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] spitz79 "Chills. Yes, Jonathan, READ THE BOOK! We weant you to read the book! XD" - Me too! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] snowpuppie Question for the author: I'm curious about what exactly. is aging the grandfather, and where he gets some of the strength he does seem to have at time? It made me curious. I feel ilke there's something going on there that's not quite as it appears? [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] snowpuppie DONE 🙂 [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst Okay while I'm going -- any LURKERS who want to go raise your hand! 🙂 [8/13/2026 7:27 PM] spitz79 Something I've been working on too. So thanks for helping with that. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:28 PM] spitz79 Indeed. There is very much something else going on beside his natural mental decline. {Reactions} ❤️ ❤️‍🔥 [8/13/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst General feedback: Wonderfully written and a powerful mixing of what looks like a mature Isekai story and themes of aging, loss of self, familial guilt and the power of memory. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst Wow -- what a mixture you are brewing here. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst Favorite Line(s): A week ago, the voice of his younger sister fed the avoidance guilt zombie squatting inside his head. She’d called him, dressed him down for not making the effort, and closed with nine words that tore his world apart: “You need to go. You need to say ‘Goodbye’.” {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 👆 [8/13/2026 7:29 PM] spitz79 It's been really hard to find comp titles. haha [8/13/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst the fact that he thinks of himself this way tells me so much about who he is {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/13/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst He pulled in the stale air lingering in the sedan, held it, and burst both it and himself out into the cool late afternoon. [8/13/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst Just liked the craft of this line {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/13/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst _Time heals all things._ He kicked a fallen shingle off the steps of the porch. _The fuck it does._ <<< fuck entropy {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/13/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst “WEL OM” <<< this communicates so much. {Reactions} 💯 🔥 ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst When he’d get grounded for mouthing off to a teacher because they were explaining some easy concept wrong to a confused class. <<< oh yeah. {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 [8/13/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst Best sequence - the Wel-om bit and the sequence of recognition. Creating a unique shared gimmick like Wel-om is genius and makes the story feel authentic and lived. So powerful and so rewarding to the reader. {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 💯 (2) [8/13/2026 7:30 PM] spitz79 Personal experince. [8/13/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst Criticism - I feel you can trim out about 10 - 20% of the words in this piece and concentrate everything else so that its 10x more impactful. {Reactions} 💯 (3) [8/13/2026 7:31 PM] snowpuppie Same for David. XD [8/13/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst And - you lost me a bit here: That slight squint of her eyes with the ear-to-ear smile. <<< is this Charlene? His mom? {Reactions} 🔥 👆 ❤️ [8/13/2026 7:31 PM] spitz79 I saw that today. It's a typo. I missed the tag for his mom. [8/13/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst But this is a wonderful read. And i'm hooked. READ THE BOOK! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) YES (2) [8/13/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst anyone else??? [8/13/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst DONE [8/13/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst @DastardlyDrave Do you have any final words for the room? Or possibly some old photos or dog-eared books? {Reactions} ❤️ (2) doge (2) [8/13/2026 7:34 PM] spitz79 Thanks everyone. I can't tell you how much this meant to me. In a real sense, I AM Jonathon and this is the story I've always needed to tell. The fact that its resonating, and the help y'all have given me to make it do so more, is phenomenal. All I every wanted, no shit, was for someone to see themselves in this. For this to maybe help someone else reading it, as much as it has helped me writing it. Thanks Write Club, both for making me cry.... and making me very, very proud to have decided to do this! {Reactions} ❤️ (8) 🔥 (5) 🫂 (4) 👆 (2) 💕 (2) orangeheart (2) [8/13/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst Okay -- thank you ALL for your time, we know its the most precious thing you have to give! Now off we go to #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self promotion! {Reactions} 💯 (4) foxParty (3) [8/13/2026 7:51 PM] hellerbard_36669 Hi @DastardlyDrave sorry I couldn't jump in this morning, but I loved your story- I'll try and have a few thoughts on this later on today/ tonight 👍 {Reactions} ❤️ [8/13/2026 8:43 PM] gonzpaoli Hey @DastardlyDrave! Sorry I'm late but here are my thoughts! [8/13/2026 8:44 PM] gonzpaoli **Favourite lines:** > With his eyes shut, the steering wheel’s broken plastic beneath his hands became fibers of the old hemp rope pricking into child-sized palms as Grandpa Clive spun them in circles. They would spin until their faces turned green, Grandpa laughing when they refused to let him stop. What a beautiful way to transition from present day to a distant happy childhood, through both sight—seeing the tire still hanging from the tree—and touch—the broken plastic, which also tells us how he's doing in the present. Gorgeous and tragic imagery ❤️ > He pulled his eyes away from his sleeping grandpa, afraid that staring too long would overwrite all his memories of the way he used to be. Ouch! > Or when he’d forgotten something important—repeatedly—and had been unable to answer his parents’ rational question of “Why?” only to give a tear-filled “I don’t know.” This is when I really got invested in Jonathon. I was already interested in the story, but this is when I really *felt* for him. > Jonathon sat, his body melting into the soft leather. ...and into the comfort of talking to his grandpa 🥹 > The instant that first roll of smoke hit the air, it transported him back to quiet nights on the front porch, Grandpa telling dirty jokes in a hushed voice. > > But now his grandpa’s hands trembled as he pulled the pipe to his mouth, struggling to find his dry, cracked lips. You balance the nostalgia of the past with the tragedy of the present *very* well! > This would become the defining memory. It was fascinating imagining this guy going through this traumatic experience and, even as he was going through it, being aware of the impact it was going to have. I wonder if we're ever clear-headed enough to realize that in the moment, or if it's just something we'd like to be able to do. [8/13/2026 8:46 PM] gonzpaoli **Critique:** - “That memory was as aged as the rope it hung from.” - the memory isn't hanging from the rope, so maybe it would read better as “as the rope *the tire* hung from.” 😉 - It does take him quite a while to finally get to where his grandfather is sitting. The journey from the car to the couch is interesting because we're seeing the memories along with him, but see if you can trim one or two of those moments so they don't start feeling repetitive. Better yet, see if you can make them *escalate,* so the tension keeps rising as he moves from the safety of the car toward that living room. - The “human blue screen of death” comment took me out of the story just a little bit. It felt out of sync with the rest. - You mention the idea of him being scared, or being a scared little kid trapped in an adult body, I think one too many times. Try to *show* us more of that through his actions instead of repeatedly telling us outright that he's scared. [8/13/2026 8:48 PM] gonzpaoli **General Thoughts** This is a story with a lot of potential. It really brought me into the story to the point where I was going through this journey with Jonathon and really feeling for him. Something I think you need to do, apart from the critiques I've left, is reconcile the divide that currently exists between the “real world” and the fantasy world. The entire first section feels like a grounded, really well-written family drama. But as soon as the book is mentioned, I felt a break in reality, and I don't think I had fully suspended my disbelief for that part. I think that's why a lot of portal fantasies introduce some element of the magical world early. The same way an action movie might give you a chase scene before settling into the protagonist's daily life, it tells us what kind of story we're in. *Harry Potter* does this before we ever settle into Harry's life with his aunt and uncle: we're already seeing strange, impossible things happening in the world, like a flying motorcycle, a wizard taking the light out of the lamp posts, and a cat turning into a witch. That gives us an expectation, but more importantly, it tells us that magic *belongs here*. I think doing something similar would help tremendously. Because I was completely invested, but I was invested in what felt like a grounded family drama with no fantasy element. If you seed that expectation earlier, then when Grandpa starts talking about the book with the blank pages, how he needs Jonathon's help, and how he swears he had it locked away, we won't think, *Oh no, poor Grandpa is finally losing it.* We'll think, *Oh shit. He really does need his help.* I think that could elevate this chapter greatly. All in all, I enjoyed it immensely! I understand that this is a very personal story. I felt that! Well done! [8/13/2026 9:10 PM] kotaotan I'm going to finish reading and give my thoughts after work. Very sorry about this. [8/14/2026 6:41 AM] hellerbard_36669 Hi Chris, Thanks for letting us read this one- I’ve got a few thoughts below: **FAVOURITE LINE: ** “A week ago, the voice of his younger sister fed the avoidance guilt zombie squatting inside his head.” *Love* this image. Such a perfect way to describe way guilt for the things we haven’t done perch themselves at the back of our brain, rotting slowly, stinking up the place and swiping out at us every time our thoughts get too close to the thing we’re trying not to think about. **WHAT I LOVED** This is a wonderful story about absence, and time, and the pain of knowing we could do more for the people in our lives while also knowing that the one thing we can’t do is preserve them forever the way we remember them. The house, the yard, the small details- like the aging tire swing, the creeping ivy, the cracked and faded garden gnomes- everything is loaded with memory and the protagonist’s absence to clear in the way they can’t help but see the passage of time in everything they pass. Memories they’ve chosen to ignore- unlike their father, who doesn’t get a choice about what he remembers and what he doesn’t. Your characterization of the father- first through place, then objects, then through the man himself- was heartbreaking, as was seeing the father’s inability to read the books he loved so much. I’ve lost family to dementia, and I saw in the father- very clearly and expertly communicated through your skill with language- those moments of realization where they’d know they’d lost something, but it dangles just out of reach. Like photos of people they knew were important but not their names or how they knew them. Heartbreaking, and so perfectly conveyed here. [8/14/2026 6:41 AM] hellerbard_36669 **CRITIQUE** I think the part of the Grimoire of Tanzil which took me out of the story was the shift into speculative fiction. It was too abrupt for me. I was immersed in a very real depiction of a son and father’s reunion in the midst of his illness and descent into Alzheimer’s- and then we are catapulted into the story of Thurgus, the book and it’s blank then not-blank pages, the quest…coming three quarters through the story as it does, it’s all too much, all at once. To preserve that wonderful beginning and its emotional impact, and to allow for the speculative story that you want to tell- I’d have dropped a few hints of the forces that have been unleashed in the house earlier. Even before he gets inside. Something out of place or supernatural that hints at the kind of story we are reading, without taking anything away. The themes of the past reaching forward into the present, driving someone forward for reasons they don’t fully understand- these themes work so well with your story’s ideas of a son coming home, of a father lost to time and memory, that I think this would actually enhance what you’ve written and make it a real blending of the two- more than the sum of its parts. **OVERALL** This was a story which touched on family, memory, and death- and I loved it, despite it plucking at some painful moments in my own life in which I experienced those things firsthand. It’s wonderfully crafted- I want to read more of what you’ve written. Thanks for sharing it with us. [8/14/2026 10:07 AM] spitz79 Great feedback. I definitely missed the rope subject inversion. And the "show" is something I'm always trying to improve. Thank you! {Reactions} 💪🏼 🤝 [8/14/2026 10:08 AM] spitz79 I really appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback. It means a lot. There is a lot here for me to work with. Thank you! [8/14/2026 2:11 PM] krislynlyon Ayyyyyyy read the first chapter (we were on the first chapter, right?). Love love love! Masterful flow and control of tone. One thing I *hate* is conversations with old people. I don't know how you did it, but you made me want to pay attention. Dialogue was on point. Sense of wistfulness, nostalgia, loss-- yes. I want to keep reading your book. Great work! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/14/2026 5:41 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 Hi Chris, I am sorry I missed this last night. Here are my thoughts on your piece. I truly enjoyed reading it, and welcome to Write Club!- sorry if its a big block o'text- did it offline late last night.. 🤓 {Reactions} ❤️ [8/14/2026 5:41 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 I really liked this. For me, the relationship between Jonathon and his grandfather is the strongest part, and it’s the little details that made me believe them—the WEL OM mat, the pipe, the ridiculous doo-doo joke, Jonathon physically keeping his hands in his pockets because he wants to help with the button but knows he shouldn’t. Those things made it feel like these two had an entire life together before we ever arrived on the page. I also really liked Jonathon’s guilt about staying away, especially when he starts blaming Charlene and Steve for the doorbell and immediately catches himself because he knows they’re the ones who have actually been there. That felt very human. My biggest craft note would probably be to trust yourself and the reader a little more in a few places. You give us some really strong physical details and images and then occasionally explain the emotion they’ve already created. I noticed it most during Grandpa’s episode. Once this frail old man suddenly shoots upright, starts screaming at something Jonathon can’t see, collapses, and Jonathon realizes his eyes are black, you absolutely have me. That’s scary as hell. I think you could actually pull back on some of Jonathon’s reactions around moments like that and let us sit with what he’s seeing. The same is true emotionally: the small, specific moments between them often hurt more than the lines explicitly telling us something hurts. I also really liked the ambiguity around Grandpa. For a while I genuinely couldn’t tell whether something supernatural was happening or whether Jonathon was watching someone he loves deteriorate, and I think that tension is worth protecting. The missing key to the footlocker was the moment where I went, Oh. Wait a minute. And “Read the book” is exactly where I wanted this to end. I would absolutely keep reading. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/14/2026 6:23 PM] spitz79 Thank you! This is great and I really appreciate it. {Reactions} ❤️ ============================================================== Exported 141 message(s) ==============================================================