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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-17-26-terence-anthony
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[8/13/2026 3:07 AM] t_r3xxx
https://terenceanthony.substack.com/p/above-invincible-9a7

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https://terenceanthony.substack.com/p/above-invincible-9a7
Above Invincible
A short story
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/JGWn08oK0-Vz2TW2hVPi_KwBDfqZlBFCo1l8DN0A1iY/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21DFus%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Fa9449804-6878-4dcc-b686-1275fefa936f_1147x654.png

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[8/17/2026 6:19 PM] starcryst
@everyone Join us at 7pm EST for Write Club! Tonights story is quick and high quality if you like military sci-fi. Restack the post below if you want to get all promotional. https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-316917215

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https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-316917215
David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge)
Tonight at Write Club we have @terence’s short story Above Invincible. If you’ve been wondering about Write Club, this is a perfect chance to check it out. Read tonight’s story (it’s super quick!) and then join us at 7pm EST on http://WriteClub.Chat to hang with the author and share feedback.

https://terenceanthony.substack.com/p/above-...
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/TFtIC59kt3V5KJN3uuQR1rpXps66fvlWLG8blJ4sMHw/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21UnJU%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F4d6c8e4e-3c11-4ebb-921b-178dc38c0174_1672x941.png

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[8/17/2026 6:59 PM] vesperlrayne_04128


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[8/17/2026 7:00 PM] erisindex
https://klipy.com/gifs/mortal-kombat-tsang-tsung

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Mortal Kombat Tsang Tsung: Your Soul Is Mine
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/KV-5bivFhSkvtItQ9l7UL89IiJPmWOzgSpGIy3bOsnE/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d7aec6f6f171607374b2065c836f92f4/f9/b7/fsn7fXjA.webp

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[8/17/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/presentmic-thumbsup

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Presentmic Thumbsup
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[8/17/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
It's time for WRITE CLUB!


[8/17/2026 7:00 PM] t_r3xxx
https://klipy.com/gifs/raccoon-dumpster

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Funny Raccoon Dumpster Entrance
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/Bmj4xKoUQe6sgtYuKsv8cmFCsvVH_JANWyvDwpJ32NI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4e7bea9f7a3371424e6c16ebc93252fe/d0/e9/L1pJMeQ7YFBRMPJNCH9t.webp

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[8/17/2026 7:00 PM] t_r3xxx
Yoyoyoyo


[8/17/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat
https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei

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Akiba Maid Senso Otagei
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[8/17/2026 7:01 PM] runeknight3
https://klipy.com/gifs/army-door

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Soldiers Breach Door
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[8/17/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
Trooper GO@terence you want the Dummy Rounds or Live Fire?


[8/17/2026 7:01 PM] t_r3xxx
Live fire, baby

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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat
-# did that.


[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
If you are a new recruit to Write Club, here are your combat assignments:

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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] runeknight3
👋

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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] fictionshroom
👋


[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] snowpuppie
👋


[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat
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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] kotaotan
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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex
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[8/17/2026 7:02 PM] _randym
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[8/17/2026 7:03 PM] rubygs
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[8/17/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
Any troopers ready for their mission, please raise your Yellow Rubber Tactical Gloves in the air


[8/17/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
@RuneKnight3 you may Ruin his Night: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:03 PM] runeknight3
As a fellow writer of action adventure in the E-4 Author Mafia I really liked this. In particular the military parlance and the presentation of professional behavior presented as realistic rather than tacti cool. This is especially important when you're clearly working with a fictional military and you don't have to marry so closely to a realistic Standard Operating Procedures. It also makes that dramatic reveal at the end an even sharper contrast that this is not our world as we know it and it has its own secrets, possibly very dark ones.

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[8/17/2026 7:03 PM] runeknight3
DONE!


[8/17/2026 7:04 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
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[8/17/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst
@✨🍄Fiction Shroom🍄✨ on those combat enhancing pharmacueticals: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:05 PM] fictionshroom
I loved this. OK. I am a sucker for this kind of ending. And I was just building dread THE ENTIRE TIME

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[8/17/2026 7:05 PM] fictionshroom
Fav line: Then again, Shareholder Frummer was one of the wealthiest, most influential citizens of Avalon. Erill supposed the cost of the mission was less than the optics of a Consortium leader bending the knee to a lowly faction on account of his blot-head son.

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[8/17/2026 7:05 PM] fictionshroom
They're going on a BS political mission OF COURSE

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[8/17/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer
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[8/17/2026 7:06 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
🤙

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[8/17/2026 7:07 PM] fictionshroom
And this might come across back handed but I mean jt sincerely. I LOVE that nothing is explained. We are dropped in with all the lingo and everything and expected to figure it out on context. Pure immersion. I really liked it. Gave me Snake Plisskin vibes with how it was just realistic enough bjt there's that sci fi vibe there.

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[8/17/2026 7:07 PM] fictionshroom
Done


[8/17/2026 7:07 PM] starcryst
@Lisa N Snowe tactical dog sled unit: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:07 PM] fictionshroom
Gimme those WW2 amphetamines

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[8/17/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie
Though this was short, it did the work most pieces 2x the length do to describe this bit of Erill's life. Great characterization of Erill, lovely action and dialogue (it felt quite real), great pacing. Super well done!

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[8/17/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite lines:

"The gyrocraft silently slid through the dark sky like a blade through cloth." << An absolute gorgeous line that tells me all I need to know about this ship.

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[8/17/2026 7:08 PM] t_r3xxx
That's great to hear. This is the 4th story I've written in this dystopia, so I'm very interested how it reads to first-timers.

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[8/17/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie
"Apparently they’ve taken a liking to the night scene in the district – cheap blot and shindies.” Bekkar and Jodpur shook their heads. “The why is not our concern,” said Drask." << With just a few hints given by dialogue and action, I knew that both blot and shindies were less than savory things that people allowed to consume them, or lost themselves in. Lovely contextual work there!

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[8/17/2026 7:08 PM] fictionshroom
To me you nailed it. I wasn't lost at all, I was pulled in.

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[8/17/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite Scene: When he's imagining his medal ceremony. I could visualize this entire scene on a big screen: not a wasted word. First, you transitioned into it smoothly, so naturally.  Second, this does great character work: we get a true sense for who Erill is, what motivates him, what he's seeking - we get to live his dreams alongside him. And then third, you snapped the reader out of it quick as a whip, along with Erill. I truly *felt* the confusion that brought him back into reality. Well done.

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[8/17/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie
Critique: Honestly I don't really have anything terribly illuminating or constructive to contribute. I did want to know more about the Sentinels, though, and why they are revered among subordinates, but I'm not sure that information would benefit your story vs. just salving my curiosity.

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[8/17/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie
Question: How long have you been writing this series, what drew you to telling Erill's story? (I saw you have a number of them set in this universe).

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[8/17/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie
DONE 😄 Thank you, it was brilliant 🙂

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[8/17/2026 7:10 PM] starcryst
@Carl Price of Victory: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:10 PM] somedesertrat
General Feedback: Gave me vibes of some older-style sci-fi stories, think Heinlein or Asimov's youth-oriented stories maybe some 'Ray-Gun Gothic'. getting dropped into the world without much up front explanation is always a joy to me, especially when there's unique terms to learn through context.

'Briefing scene' was handled well, managing the need to emulate military/paramilitary comm brevity in a readable manner. More of that will be addressed in the constructive criticism.

Was not expecting that ending. Excellent job leaning towards a subversion of the new guy dying during combat and then pulling the rug out from underneath us while simultaneously leaving enough unsaid about the Sentinels to leave people wanting more.

Wouldn't be surprised to see this in one of the TALES FROM THE E4 MAFIA Anthologies.

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[8/17/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Scene: Erill meeting CPT Drask. Nice use of the FNG meeting the Grizzled Veteran Trope with a dash of Never Meet Your Heroes. Their initial interaction told me a good deal of Drask's character, especially after reading about how his mother gushed about his portrayal in the serials. Made the ending hit like a fuckin 122mm HE-FRAG.

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[8/17/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst
Yes the GOOD drugs.

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[8/17/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Line: 'The mission had taken a total of four minutes to complete. Ten bullets. There would be no medal ceremony, no stories for the records.' After Erill's mid-mission daydream, this was a great way to reinforce that Drask's team are professionals. It also sets a weight for readers that, more often than not, clandestine operations and operators won't be recognized with little ribbons and medals.

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[8/17/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat
Constructive Criticism: The Mission Briefing Scene feels a little heavy, not because of how much exposition is in it (which is needed), but because of how little prowords (stand-in phrases and jargon) are used. I understand avoiding those for the reader's understanding because we can communicate more with a smash of letters pronounced as a word, but throwing a few in there, especially ones that Drask's Team uses as their own shorthand, could add to Erill's sense of being out of his element.

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[8/17/2026 7:11 PM] somedesertrat
Question: What is the cause of that cadaverous appearance the Sentinels have?

DONE

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[8/17/2026 7:11 PM] t_r3xxx
I've been working on this series for over a year. And this story came to me while I was writing the next novella (THE SENTINEL). Thought it would be a good teaser for the next story, really.

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[8/17/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst
@Kevin Prime Directive is for P_____S: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:12 PM] t_r3xxx
Damn -- that's high praise. Muc appreciated!

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[8/17/2026 7:12 PM] kotaotan
Ok! So my favorite line/sequence was:
> “Is Captain Drask as fanciable as he is in the serials?”
> 
> “Mother – it’s an actor playing Captain Drask in those serials. You know actual Sentinels never take off their masks in public.”
> 
> “Then how do you know he doesn’t look like that in reality?” she would ask.
> 
> “You can ask him yourself – I’ll ping him now.” He would watch her eyes go wide as he connected to Drask’s private comm…
> 
> Of course this conversation would never happen, he knew.

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[8/17/2026 7:13 PM] kotaotan
This scene served a lot of purpose I thought. It was "Checkov's Imagination Sequence" as it were because it set up his day dreaming and the fact that he LITERALLY was never going to see his mother again.

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[8/17/2026 7:13 PM] t_r3xxx
Great note!


[8/17/2026 7:14 PM] kotaotan
I agree that this whole story reminded me of classic military sci-fi and I like when my hand isn't held. PLEASE assume I'm intelligent enough to figure it out!

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[8/17/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan
If I had any critique it was all the shortened words for terminology reminded me of Scientology. "Sec Checks" and what have you, but I'm pretty sure that if I were to read more in the series I would get used to it.

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[8/17/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan
Over all, fantastic. Loved every bit of it. Great job, and congrats!

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[8/17/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan
DONE!


[8/17/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst
@lauriemacNorCaliber .50 Machine Gun: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:15 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite line & Favorite moment: Erill was surprised when Drask plucked the tooth from his hand as he brushed past, tucking it into his tac belt.

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[8/17/2026 7:15 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Criticism: Some of the phrasing was too predictable, e.g., “All the recruits who bullied and plagued him in training would eat their words if they could see him now.”

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[8/17/2026 7:16 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
General feedback: I have mixed feelings because I found it hard to care about the protagonist. But the twist at the end surprised me big time!

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[8/17/2026 7:16 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Question: How old is Erill?
DONE


[8/17/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index finger on the trigger: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
Favorite Lines: 
–“Then how do you know he doesn’t look like that in reality?” she would ask.
“You can ask him yourself – I’ll ping him now.” He would watch her eyes go wide as he connected to Drask’s private comm…– I thought this was a really good character line. Guy is thinking about his mom before he goes on a mission, good memories and mom’s excitement. It put me directly inside of the story because of the feels.

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[8/17/2026 7:16 PM] t_r3xxx
Late 20s

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[8/17/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
–Erill was surprised when Drask plucked the tooth from his hand as he brushed past, tucking it into his tac belt.-- Not going to lie, I thought Drask was about to be a dick here, then he grabs the tooth. Another good emotional character beat, and at this point I am really sold on our main character.

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[8/17/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
Also this one–--The mission had taken a total of four minutes to complete. Ten bullets. There would be no medal ceremony, no stories for the records.--His devastation, man… poor guy. I was feeling it with him. You set that up perfectly with the daydreaming.

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[8/17/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
Favorite scene: –“We were pinned down by twenty savage skid insurgents. They were swarming like roaches,” Drask would say, his eyes gleaming through his mask. “I couldn’t heal fast enough as I was pumelled by bullets from all sides.
“Until Trooper Erill Halaar began picking the brutes off–continue until end of this day dream.-- So, let me commend you. Your character work on this guy is awesome. His personality is awesome on-page, and comes off as 100% real to me. Very hard to do, because as nice as I am, I’m hard to please when it comes to writing. I was really impressed with this.

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[8/17/2026 7:17 PM] erisindex
–“Sir – I – only need my tooth – “
BLAM.--
That’s definitely my favorite scene because it makes me want to granny-smack the author. But it’s so freaking good. I could just high-five you instead. Poor guy is going to get his speech after all. His mom might even meet Drask, her stinking idol.

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[8/17/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
Criticism– The only place I felt myself drift even a little was during some of the mission things/tech-heavy parts. There are a LOT of names and terms coming at us pretty quickly: CCDF, Sig System Operator, Infantry Corps, Umbra-class, microturbines, graphene armor, tac-control, multi-node imaging, etc. None of them are bad by themselves, and a lot of the worldbuilding is cool, but stacked together they pulled me out of his head for a minute. And he is the absolute best part of this story. Every time the worldbuilding comes through him and what he thinks is cool, what he wants his mom to hear about, what he thinks the Sentinels mean… it lands way harder. I think shaving just a little of the exposition and some of the stacked terms in the middle would keep that character momentum from dipping before the ending punches us in the face.

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[8/17/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
Overall I LOVED it. I really enjoyed this, and it reminds me of book two in The Red Rising series. Lots of things going on in that book, military-wise, but it doesn’t detract from how amazing it is. The ending, as much as it kind of sucks, is five stars. The character work is what sold this whole thing for me. Erill could have very easily turned into the goofy overeager rookie whose only purpose is to die for the twist, but he never feels like that. He feels like an actual guy. He loves his mom. He wants people who treated him like shit in training to finally know he amounted to something.

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[8/17/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
But instead, he helps rescue a crap kid that takes a whole four minutes, then turns into a DNA puddle on the floor. 
Question: Are the rest of your stories this crafty? This is a serious question. I need to know.

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[8/17/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
DONE


[8/17/2026 7:18 PM] erisindex
Sorry for the length.....


[8/17/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
Erill's @Randy Momster wantin' some of that Drask Luvin: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:19 PM] _randym
Story definitely did its job, I’m encouraged to read more to find out what’s going on. It was a little anti-climatic, in the actual mission, though that’s clearly intended and serves to lull us before the whiplash of the ending. But I think it could have used just a little more in there, even if the main character wasn’t present; maybe he imagines that he hears Drask’s gun as his scanners see the thermal images drop?

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[8/17/2026 7:19 PM] _randym
Worldbuilding is deft but detailed and we’re quickly immersed.


[8/17/2026 7:19 PM] _randym
A couple comments on specific lines:
*The pilot signaled from the cockpit that they were ready for lift off and Drask immediately forgot Erill’s existence. *
This line takes us out of Erill’s point of view, and also it’s immediately contradicted by the next line (where he indicates awareness of Erill). You could find another way to express Drask ignoring him, or say “seemingly.” 
Not necessary to change, but I noticed it as incongruous.

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[8/17/2026 7:20 PM] _randym
*Erill clattered onto the roof as Sergeant Bekkar released him from the harness attached to her combat suit.*
Are they tandem jumping? I’m a bit confused why they are attached to each other here, but that does seem the implication. Perhaps a brief word on why, like “to her landing capable combat suit”?

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[8/17/2026 7:20 PM] t_r3xxx
I love this note. More of the mission/tech stuff through Erill's POV is very helpful

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[8/17/2026 7:20 PM] _randym
*His mind skipped to the post-mission medal ceremony, where Captain Drask would be standing at a podium, addressing Erill’s bravery.*
Him immediately fantasizing during the mission makes him seem unprofessional. Not because he shouldn’t want recognition, but because he should be focused right now. Not wrong, just checking if that's what you want


[8/17/2026 7:20 PM] _randym
*Drask would say, his eyes gleaming through his mask. “I couldn’t heal fast enough as I was pumelled by bullets from all sides.*
I like this as a subtle indication about whatever futuristic capabilities they have.

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[8/17/2026 7:21 PM] _randym
Nice reversal at the end. Definitely leaves me wanting to find out why.
DONE

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[8/17/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
@steffie ...I got nothing... GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:21 PM] rubygs
Favorite Scene was the end. "BLAM. A bullet from Sgt. Jodpur’s pistol penetrated the side of Erill’s skull."

No surprise its my favorite. Such a “fun” turn.

Alliteration everywhere. No notes. Enjoyed the sci-fi feel and the brutality of it. 

I learned a new word: vaunted. I had to stop to look it up lol

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[8/17/2026 7:21 PM] rubygs
Done


[8/17/2026 7:22 PM] t_r3xxx
Good catch!


[8/17/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
@VesperLRayne down that Napalm: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:23 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
hi there T! I thought the writing was solid and Erill came through really well. I loved his heroic little fantasies, especially the one at the end. The fact that he’s still imagining how he’ll be remembered even as he’s dying –ouch. 
For me as a reader, I did get lost in some of the military structure and terminology, especially at the beginning. There are a lot of ranks, divisions, names, and invented terms coming at us very quickly. I understood the important part—that Erill is an inexperienced regular soldier working with these legendary Sentinels—but I wasn’t always sure what else I needed to remember.  But honestly that’s just a minor thing.. Some like it and some need less so take it with a grain of salt.  
I also really liked the tooth. It tells us so much about Erill, his father, and the society that shaped him without having to explain any of it. 
FORESHADOWING- “Then how do you know he doesn’t look like that in reality?” she would ask. “You can ask him yourself – I’ll ping him now.” He would watch her eyes go wide as he connected to Drask’s private comm… Of course this conversation would never happen, he knew.
Good ending and good foreshadowing. Good lead up to the ending. Don’t trust your heroes. 
Good command of structure, and leading the reader through it.

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[8/17/2026 7:24 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
DONE


[8/17/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
@Josi Sofer Lame Ass After Action Reports: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:24 PM] loganraith
👋

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[8/17/2026 7:25 PM] josisofer
No joke as usual, you disappoint me @David T Etheredge - Inference

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[8/17/2026 7:25 PM] josisofer
Favorite Scene: Final Scene, I saw it coming (more on that below) but I wanted to know how it was going to happen and the reasoning behind it.

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[8/17/2026 7:25 PM] josisofer
It reminded me of Kurt Vonnegut’s style of sci-fi dystopia, where it may suck in the future, but that doesn’t mean everyone is sad all the time. In fact, some are living their best lives getting their brains sprayed on the floor.

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[8/17/2026 7:26 PM] josisofer
Favorite Lines: 

[His mind skipped to the post-mission medal ceremony, where Captain Drask would be standing at a podium, addressing Erill’s bravery.
“We were pinned down by twenty savage skid insurgents. They were swarming like roaches,” Drask would say, his eyes gleaming through his mask. “I couldn’t heal fast enough as I was pumelled by bullets from all sides.
“Until Trooper Erill Halaar began picking the brutes off one by one from the high ground. While displaying the best marksmanship I’ve ever encountered, Trooper Halaar simultaneously called in a Blitz Drone strike, exterminating the enemy without mercy, and saving my life.”]

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[8/17/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
happy now?

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[8/17/2026 7:26 PM] josisofer
Sounds exactly look some naive kid going to boot camp. Even worse, some I know from when I served.

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[8/17/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
This isn't about you right now @David T Etheredge - Inference !

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[8/17/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
Criticism:

I don’t sense any friction points in this piece. We move from beginning to end, and I saw it coming. He’s new, he’s idealistic, he’s basically an OG Star Trek Away-Team Red Shirt, one way or another he’s not making it home.

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[8/17/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
Positive Critique: Perfect sacrificial pawn for a prologue type.

You captured a wannabe hero who joined the military perfectly. Chapter was short and pacing was excellent. And I love being in an ultra-first-person-POV, but I’m biased.

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[8/17/2026 7:28 PM] josisofer
Question: Starship Troopers fan? If so, book, movie, or both?


[8/17/2026 7:28 PM] josisofer
DONE


[8/17/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst
@Kris Buckel up for the bullet ballet: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:28 PM] josisofer
Lame-ass After Action Report, my ass!

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[8/17/2026 7:29 PM] t_r3xxx
I LOVE the movie

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[8/17/2026 7:29 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
HA I GOT A JOKE. Ahem. So my favorite line was "This mission was easier than he could have imagined." for obvious reasons. I don't have a lot of criticism because military is so not my genre and I was out of my depth but the prose was tight, the characterization was ON it, and I genuinely felt the red shirt vibe.

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[8/17/2026 7:30 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
done.


[8/17/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
@Logan Raith of the battlefield: GO!

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[8/17/2026 7:30 PM] loganraith
Fave line:

The gyrocraft silently slid through the dark sky like a blade through cloth. 

A perfect simile for what’s happening, and hint at the theme of betrayal that comes up later. That’s economic writing.

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[8/17/2026 7:31 PM] loganraith
Fave sequence:

The final section when the protagonist finally sees what the Sentinels look like under their masks. A cool peek into a greater universe with more going on that a trooper being assigned to help a few Sentinels and being killed. My only note here is, I really wish you hinted at why he was killed. Was it because seeing what’s under the mask warrants death? I don’t remember that being hinted at in the story anywhere, other than Erill mentioning that they’re never seen in public without their masks. 

Still, freaking great, brutal punctuation on the story.

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[8/17/2026 7:31 PM] loganraith
Feedback:

A few quick notes.

    1) You says, “His mind skipped” three times. If this was on purpose, okay. It just feels like you didn’t bother to come up with another way to say it which, from reading your writing, I’m sure isn’t true. 
    2) The middle skip feels a little bit too long and detailed for the moment he’s in. I know he’s not in the action with the Sentinels, but it seems unlikely he’d daydream for so long, and in such detail about exactly what he hopes will be said. That’s just my take.
    3) I get that this is a slice out of a greater world that seems to exist as a hook, to give people a taste so they decide to take the plunge into everything else you have to offer, but the protagonist is so passive, and then he just dies. Nothing important happens at all until he dies. He goes on a mission, daydreams, gets the captain to take his dad’s memento into battle, sees under the mask, and is killed. He has no agency. I’d love to see a version of this that gives him something to do besides wait to be killed.

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[8/17/2026 7:33 PM] loganraith
Overall:

Despite the things in my notes, I enjoyed this. Your writing is good. You have a solid handle on the genre and associated nomenclature. Your descriptive language is evocative. Your dialogue is natural. I just think this one-off isn’t the proper vestibule into the wider world. Yet. 

Still, I will jump in and let you know when I read something. I like your style a lot, and the world you’re building is very intriguing.

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[8/17/2026 7:33 PM] loganraith
DONE


[8/17/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst
Okay did I miss anyone??


[8/17/2026 7:34 PM] starcryst
okay I'm rolling with mine -- if anyone still wants to go, get your hand up!


[8/17/2026 7:34 PM] starcryst
Best line(s)

Apparently they’ve taken a liking to the night scene in the district – cheap blot and shindies.” <<< love the original drug culture lingo

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[8/17/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
blot -- I love that. I need some of that after work! 🙂

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[8/17/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
Drask stood near a locker, his mask in hand. He turned to Erill, his skeletal, withered face exposed. In that instant, Erill understood why the Sentinels kept their faces masked. He realized, as a strange terror curled around his spine, that their invincibility, their enhanced reflexes and ability to regenerate must come with a terrible cost. 

<<< loved the twisty reveal. Might be stronger (see critique)

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[8/17/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst
Best sequence: 

Erill’s mind skipped to the military vigil that would be held in his name. His mother weeping, seeking comfort in Captain Drask’s arms. Strangely, every person at the vigil had withered, rawboned faces.

_“He will always be remembered as a hero,” Drask would tell the auditorium packed with mourners. “His commitment to the Protectorate could never be questioned. If anything, he gave too much of himself to the cause. It takes the courage of a true loyalist to accomplish all that Erill Halaar will be remembered for.”_

In his final moment, he stared at the splatter of his blood across the Sentinel insignia on Drask’s suit. Then the blackness closed in.

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[8/17/2026 7:36 PM] starcryst
well done with the close - it landed

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[8/17/2026 7:36 PM] starcryst
Critique

Dauntless deeds <<< Dauntless sounds like the author speaking, not the character.

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[8/17/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst
just a couple of times where the author's voice seeped through. He's such a fan boy, I'd like to hear his voice

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[8/17/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst
And not to echo Josi Sofer, but: 

RED SHIRT ALERT: I felt like the protag was just a little too fan boy for a trooper who'd be trusted with a combat mission with an elite unit. I wanted him to be more seasoned and the fact that he's been paired with a legend devolves him into hero worship. Then his death would feel more surprising.

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[8/17/2026 7:38 PM] starcryst
Anyway thoroughly enjoyed the story, love the tech worldbuilding. Want to read further on.

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[8/17/2026 7:38 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/17/2026 7:38 PM] starcryst
ANYONE ELSE before we WRAP?

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[8/17/2026 7:38 PM] fictionshroom
Oooh like maybe a bit of an attitude. "Let's see if he lives up to the hype"


[8/17/2026 7:38 PM] fictionshroom
Then the end hurts more 🤣


[8/17/2026 7:40 PM] starcryst
Denacious@terence -- any last words for the room before we call it?

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[8/17/2026 7:41 PM] t_r3xxx
THANK YOU all for taking the time to read my crazy story. Like I said, I was really interested in how it played to folks who were unfamiliar with this world and your notes are extremely helpful

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[8/17/2026 7:41 PM] josisofer
@David T Etheredge - Inference hates to echo me *DOES IT ANYWAY*

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[8/17/2026 7:41 PM] t_r3xxx
I've got blot for everyone at the after party!!!!

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[8/17/2026 7:41 PM] fictionshroom
I've got a theme song for the shameless self promotion

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[8/17/2026 7:42 PM] starcryst
Okay join us in the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 and if the special drink isn't called BLOT, I'm sending it back!

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[8/17/2026 7:42 PM] von_a_o
Ok, I was gone for the review 🙁 But my comment would be that, at least in this story, it didnt' seem like a dystopia.


[8/17/2026 7:43 PM] von_a_o
Also, medically speaking, he should have been shot elsewhere.


[8/18/2026 8:49 AM] hellerbard_36669
Hi @terence,
Sorry I wasn’t able to jump in on Write Club earlier, but thanks for letting us read this! I really enjoyed __Above Invincible__. I’ve included some of my thoughts below: 
**Favourite Line: **
*"The two other members of the element landed silently. Microturbines retracted under the graphene armor plates of their combat suits and the Sentinels began to spread out across the crumbling tower complex’s roof..."*
For me, there’s always a fine line in military SF between describing the gear and weaponry and tactics and overloading us with unnecessary detail. This conveys the image *perfectly*- I had an immediate vision of the forces drifting downwards using their flight capabilities and moving swiftly to cover ground in formation. In general, I thought the blocking in your story worked really well- I always knew where everyone was in relation to everyone and everything else- very important for action heavy stories.


[8/18/2026 8:50 AM] hellerbard_36669
**Favourite Scene: **
The conversation between the protagonist and his Sentinel hero-- if you can call a one-sided fanboy gush from Errill and a whole bunch of silence punctuated by one awkward question from Drask…a conversation. It captured Errill’s hero-worship and Drask’s taciturn no-nonsense attitude so well, I genuinely felt bad for the kid. The whole story is a cautionary tale about never meeting your heroes. Seriously.
**Critique: **
At the beginning, you mention that this is part of the larger universe of __From Our Ashes__, but that **Above Invincible** can be read as a standalone- and with a couple of exceptions, this works really well as one. The values and attitudes of the characters regarding the glorification of war and combat ( as suggested by the use of propaganda serials mythologizing the exploits of the military ) convey a world in which war is not only constant- it’s a culture in itself. I really liked the use of a naive narrator who is very much ignorant of much of the ways this world works. He’s as much in the dark as the civilians- just closer to the action.


[8/18/2026 8:50 AM] hellerbard_36669
The nature of the Sentinels and their enhancements I felt could have been mentioned earlier- we really only have the throwaway reference to Drask healing on the battlefield and the brief rundown on their abilities at the end of the story when we finally see under the mask and understand the true cost of what it means to be one of them... I felt that establishing this earlier, as well as giving us some more tangible examples of these enhancements during the mission would make the shock of seeing his face that much more powerful. What would we trade to be that much better, faster, stronger? 
And is it *really* a trade? That implies choice. Errill mentions that recruits are __conscripted__ into the Sentinels. Does the fact that they’re forced into it make the cost of their enhancements- and the shedding of their humanity- better or worse? It raises an interesting question- always a sign of a good story. 🔥 
Structurally, I loved the way the story drifted into Errill’s imaginary world-- conversations with his mother; fantasies about saving the day and receiving medals and adulation from his hero Drask. It was almost *Walter-Mitty-esque*, albeit with kind of a violent twist.


[8/18/2026 8:52 AM] hellerbard_36669
Even lying in the dirt bleeding to death, Errill can’t help but imagine how his death could give him the praise and validation that he so desperately wants. I saw this as perhaps a result of losing his father at an early age…a desire to follow in his footsteps and to find substitutes amongst the Sentinels- Drask specifically. 
For my money, this is what made the story very much more than just excellent military SF- it elevates **Above Invincible** into a story with something really smart to say about the conflict between reality and expectations, truth and myth. 
There are only two areas that I thought might need a second look. 
The first is kind of a big one- Errill was shot in the head, presumably point blank, and still had lots of time to fantasize, take note of small details about Drask ( such as the blood spraying across the Sentinel insignia ) before he finally expired. Maybe a shot in the chest or the back would work better here. 
Second- the mission itself being an anticlimax for Errill works well for the story you’re telling. Of course military missions- particularly against a vastly outmatched enemy- rarely work out as dramatically as fiction (or Avalon’s ‘serials’) would have us believe, particularly for those largely sitting on the sidelines.
Still, a couple of details about the environment- the location of the extraction- noticed by our protagonist would give us something to focus on while the big boys are inside the compound being big-damn heroes while Errill twiddles his thumbs- adding to worldbuilding and atmosphere.


[8/18/2026 8:54 AM] hellerbard_36669
**OVERALL: **This was a great story. I really connected to the main character and the cultural and social setting gave a real desire to know more about this place, these people. Avalon reminded me very favourably of Heinlein's Starship Troopers in its depiction of sci-fi militarism. An excellent read- I'm definitely going to look up the other stories in __From Our Ashes. __Thanks for sharing this!


[8/21/2026 9:33 AM] t_r3xxx
Hey @JacobSein_Hellerbard sorry for the delayed response, life has kept my time on Discord scarce this week. Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback — lots of very helpful insights to incorporate into revisions! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

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[8/22/2026 8:09 AM] yamamoto6008
**Favorite line:** The gyrocraft silently slid through the dark sky like a blade through cloth.
**Favorite scene: **The tooth. A boy handing over a dead man's tooth as a good luck charm, and the Captain taking it without looking at him.
**Criticism: **The structure works on repetition, four times Erill's mind skips to a fantasy, and the last one is the payoff. But the second one, the medal ceremony speech, and the last one, the vigil speech, are the same device twice, both in Drask's voice, both a long quoted address to a crowd. By the time I got to the vigil I recognised the shape before I read it, and that took some of the punch out. You may want to cut or shorten the medal ceremony one, so the vigil speech lands as the first time we hear Drask perform. 
The reveal of the face carries a lot and it goes by fast. "his skeletal, withered face exposed" and than immediately Erill explains to himself what it means. You may try letting him see it before he understands it. Something like "The skin … pulled back off the teeth … Erill thought of the tooth in the cube, and how it had been a whole man once." So the reader arrives at the cost a second before the narrator names it.
**Question: **the four hostages never speak and never appear on the page. Was that intentional, or do they come back later in the series?

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[8/22/2026 8:54 PM] shikanokoshitantan
I read this much earlier and wanted to comment but forgot. I think you’ve done really well with description and atmosphere building. As Kostia pointed out, the speech could be trimmed a bit more. As a standalone, it didn’t hook me to pursue the series but this would make a strong chapter for a novel.

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