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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-18-26-josi-sofer-writes
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[8/17/2026 12:38 PM] erisindex
@Josi Sofer what's the story lookin' like? I'll be at the movies watching spider man tomorrow, so I want to get a head start an have it ready before I go.


[8/17/2026 12:40 PM] .revanarchy
Ooo, yay. Are we getting another trip back to the 90s or something else?

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[8/17/2026 7:49 PM] josisofer
Back to the 90s, but it gets darker this time.


[8/17/2026 7:49 PM] josisofer
https://runningwiththepact.substack.com/p/ch6-wce

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https://runningwiththepact.substack.com/p/ch6-wce
Running with the Pact - Chapter 6 (Write Club Edition)
Neon-Blue
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/WjWD9aW7LgKtPJ1IclTrihDL6U5b449Uh4zs9lbDGKU/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21YlL3%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Frunningwiththepact.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F211637412%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4


[8/17/2026 7:51 PM] josisofer
@Eris Index posted the longer edition, just for the club

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[8/17/2026 7:54 PM] .revanarchy
Oh. What do we need to know from chapters 2 through 5? Or am I doing a lot of catch up reading?


[8/17/2026 8:06 PM] josisofer
How about I write up a synopsis?


[8/17/2026 8:06 PM] josisofer
If you read the last one, I've recut everything since then, so you've read chapters 1 - 3


[8/17/2026 8:07 PM] josisofer
Chapter 1 - Addi, age 17 in 1996, is getting ready, almost stabs herself in the eye with her lip gloss, is scared to go to the pact conference, as she is the only human, well, one of two humans going to this shifter conference.

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[8/17/2026 8:10 PM] josisofer
Chapter 2 - Addi takes a seat at the conference, both nervous and disappointed as she notices the place is a dump, unlike the stories of the last conference location. She also notices an empty seat at the table to her right, which she assumes is for the Jack of Hearts of Clan Peri, an enemy clan of hers and the conference host. Meanwhile, on her left, she notices the leering creeps staring at her form-fitting sweater, who she assumes is the other enemy clan, Clan Diiv. They only stop when someone quotes Uncle Joey to them, snapping Addi's attention to an insanely-hot Brendan Fraser lookalike with sunflower-yellow eyes. Her throat goes dry, because... she's suddenly thirsty, very thirsty.

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[8/17/2026 8:13 PM] josisofer
Chapter 3 - Addi, sniped and disrespected by the Diiv, strikes back with her own barb, and makes fun of the tiny blonde who she assumes is an underling of the Jack of Hearts. As introductions are made, Addi's heart drops when she realizes she's just insulted the Jack of Hearts in front of the entire conference. Just before the conference breaks, her twin brother and fellow human, Ari, warns her to bolt for the door when the opening ceremony concludes.

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[8/17/2026 8:15 PM] .revanarchy
Oh ok. Yes. Ive read 1 through 3.

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[8/17/2026 8:16 PM] josisofer
The synopsis is for those who have not read.


[8/17/2026 8:18 PM] josisofer
Chapter 4 - Ms. Irit scolds Addi in the hallway, explaining what's really happening at the political event to the naive teenager, who acts so above it all. After telling the twin's (Addi and Ari) older brother, and fully initiated shifter, Danny to watch the twins, Ms. Irit heads to the bar, while Danny heads outside for a cigarette break.

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[8/17/2026 8:19 PM] meganmarrow_40655
I will be missing this tomorrow. I’m at work. ☹️

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[8/17/2026 8:19 PM] josisofer
you can always leave feedback later!


[8/17/2026 8:21 PM] josisofer
Chapter 5 - Addi, Ari, and Danny bicker like the siblings they are on the edge of the parking lot while Danny and Ari smoke, and Addi begs for a cigarette. After a battle of wills ends with Addi having no cigarette, Danny, exasperated by his siblings, heads inside while Ari finishes his smoke. Which seems fine, until Addi and Ari realize they're surrounded by 8 Diiv that weren't inside at the conference.

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[8/17/2026 8:22 PM] josisofer
The final line of Chapter 5, "Come here, *little girl*...”


[8/17/2026 8:22 PM] josisofer
And @Eris Index was already ready to murder the Diiv in the original Chapter 1

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[8/18/2026 12:19 AM] msadventurouspurple
Thank you for this breakdown! 🙏

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[8/18/2026 8:05 AM] erisindex
Oh boyyyy. Excited for this one. 🕺 💃


[8/18/2026 8:09 AM] hellerbard_36669
Cheers for the Chapter summaries, @Josi Sofer - these will be really helpful. 🙂 Looking forward to reading it tonight but I won't be able to make Write Club- will drop some feedback later in the day, though 👍

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[8/18/2026 8:57 AM] briancfahey
Half way through the audio and simply amazed…can’t wait for the rest and to read IRL


[8/18/2026 8:57 AM] briancfahey
@Josi Sofer  audio is fantastic

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[8/18/2026 9:33 AM] josisofer
Really appreciate that note, being able to turn your writing into a synopsis is a skill I want to cultivate because publishing houses expect pro authors to be able to do it.

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[8/18/2026 9:38 AM] lammbbb
It's an important skill in general, I would say. After struggling a lot to answer the question "What is it about?" that people always ask it appears to me that one not only needs to be able to summarize but that they also need to summarize differently to different audiences

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[8/18/2026 9:39 AM] rubygs
I definitely struggle with it and need to improve. I'm just like, it's about things and stuff and creatures lol

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[8/18/2026 9:40 AM] lammbbb
For certain people: Has it got whump? Is it tropey?

For others: what classics is it like? 

Others still: which subgenre is it in?

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[8/18/2026 9:55 AM] josisofer
Whump: Yes, especially this chapter has that whump
Tropey: Damn Skippy!
Classics: Interview with The Vampire, Pride and Prejudice
Subgenre: Upmarket aka RomCom Paranormal Romance


[8/18/2026 10:02 AM] josisofer
Current Comps: Perfect for those who enjoyed love that transcends conflict set in a modern setting like BRIDE by Ali Hazelwood, and the snappy, wonderfully humorous voice of Evie in ASSISTANT TO THE VILLAIN by Hannah Nicole Maehrer


[8/18/2026 12:53 PM] briancfahey
@Josi Sofer  finished the audio, compelling dialogue, fun and compelling fiction with the right amount of darkness to it.  Look forward to reading

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[8/18/2026 1:48 PM] erisindex
DONE. Now, will I be able to hide in the bathroom while Spider man does spidery things on the big screen? We shall see.

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[8/18/2026 2:00 PM] loganraith
Had to look up whump 🤣

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[8/18/2026 2:57 PM] lammbbb
You have my condolences


[8/18/2026 6:13 PM] josisofer
@everyone I'm reposting the previous Chapters synopsis for any straggling readers


[8/18/2026 6:13 PM] josisofer
Chapter 1 - Addi, age 17 in 1996, is getting ready, almost stabs herself in the eye with her lip gloss, is scared to go to the pact conference, as she is the only human, well, one of two humans going to this shifter conference.


[8/18/2026 6:13 PM] josisofer
Chapter 2 - Addi takes a seat at the conference, both nervous and disappointed as she notices the place is a dump, unlike the stories of the last conference location. She also notices an empty seat at the table to her right, which she assumes is for the Jack of Hearts of Clan Peri, an enemy clan of hers and the conference host. Meanwhile, on her left, she notices the leering creeps staring at her form-fitting sweater, who she assumes is the other enemy clan, Clan Diiv. They only stop when someone quotes Uncle Joey to them, snapping Addi's attention to an insanely-hot Brendan Fraser lookalike with sunflower-yellow eyes. Her throat goes dry, because... she's suddenly thirsty, very thirsty.


[8/18/2026 6:13 PM] josisofer
Chapter 3 - Addi, sniped and disrespected by the Diiv, strikes back with her own barb, and makes fun of the tiny blonde who she assumes is an underling of the Jack of Hearts. As introductions are made, Addi's heart drops when she realizes she's just insulted the Jack of Hearts in front of the entire conference. Just before the conference breaks, her twin brother and fellow human, Ari, warns her to bolt for the door when the opening ceremony concludes.


[8/18/2026 6:13 PM] josisofer
Chapter 4 - Ms. Irit scolds Addi in the hallway, explaining what's really happening at the political event to the naive teenager, who acts so above it all. After telling the twin's (Addi and Ari) older brother, and fully initiated shifter, Danny to watch the twins, Ms. Irit heads to the bar, while Danny heads outside for a cigarette break.


[8/18/2026 6:14 PM] josisofer
Chapter 5 - Addi, Ari, and Danny bicker like the siblings they are on the edge of the parking lot while Danny and Ari smoke, and Addi begs for a cigarette. After a battle of wills ends with Addi having no cigarette, Danny, exasperated by his siblings, heads inside while Ari finishes his smoke. Which seems fine, until Addi and Ari realize they're surrounded by 8 Diiv that weren't inside at the conference.


[8/18/2026 6:18 PM] starcryst
@everyone Join us here at 7pm EST for tonight's Write Club! - and if you want to help promote the story and author, you know what to do: https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-317651715

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https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-317651715
David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge)
Tonight Write Club features @Josi Sofer | PNR Fiction’s story Running with the Pact - Chapter 6: Neon-Blue. We’d love for you to read the story below and join us 7pm EST for discussion / feedback for the author!

https://runningwiththepact.substack.com/p/ch6-wce
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/IviGI16Ufb3Zt0hzL16o3RfVB0_sMzXEX63azCH1tUM/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%216RFt%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F74141ac4-13ef-431c-8c85-c2bfce677ea7_1448x1086.png

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[8/18/2026 6:33 PM] lammbbb
I'm still not gonna make it tonight ;_; sorry, but happy birthday Josi

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[8/18/2026 6:37 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/cat-924

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https://klipy.com/gifs/cat-924
Sad-Eyed Orange Cat
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/cfS0gn_6GS1rEXlcyfLvPojHIE87gWvrA61HkB4UtQA/https/static.klipy.com/ii/bea85337777ad0e23e63683391435543/42/53/2q9Ne9Ss.webp

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[8/18/2026 6:38 PM] .revanarchy
Can I ask a question a little early that might shape my feedback? What is a Diiv? Are we supposed to know by now what their clan is and what their shifter form looks like?


[8/18/2026 6:45 PM] josisofer
I have left that out. Addi doesn't really know, there's a lot she and Ari won't learn until they're initiated.


[8/18/2026 6:45 PM] erisindex
Just testing copy and paste on the tiny phone

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[8/18/2026 6:46 PM] josisofer
I'm going to pretend you're drunk, and aren't you supposed to be watching Spiderman?


[8/18/2026 6:47 PM] erisindex
I am watching spider man lol


[8/18/2026 6:47 PM] erisindex
I put docs in dark mode


[8/18/2026 6:59 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/freakson

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https://klipy.com/gifs/freakson
Freakson
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/2TE5rc6PlUvJjVOzeRTfuHzMwqJ6ttAySlDBYbVyLyQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/a8ada81afc59159ea5c8927feffa2e31/cf/9f/nL0EHN63efD5aj.webp

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[8/18/2026 6:59 PM] starcryst
It's that time again! Welcome to WRITE CLUB!

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[8/18/2026 7:00 PM] .revanarchy
👋


[8/18/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
Birthday Edition

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[8/18/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
We have 29 people lined up for more Addi!


[8/18/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst
if you are a newcomer to Write Club - Welcome! Here is the chat format:

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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890196082294804/1539408778485563514/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f765&is=6ab7a5e5&hm=1440dc3bfebb7cf07a5aad55ef2a944779e23fe70eed68c8b1a70e62db5d4135&


[8/18/2026 7:01 PM] rubygs
👋


[8/18/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst
@Josi Sofer what levels of feedback would you like tonight? Puppy Dog or Werewolf?


[8/18/2026 7:01 PM] josisofer
Unleash hell

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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890196082294804/1539409018961928352/JfLIFGS.png?ex=6ab8f79e&is=6ab7a61e&hm=7a270f1dad2d56899abc496b1a1d51d134398bf6559ac248982ea45b2552fb13&

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[8/18/2026 7:02 PM] msadventurouspurple
👋


[8/18/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
okay you heard the ma'am -- CLAWS OUT


[8/18/2026 7:02 PM] josisofer
Three hands... I expected less

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[8/18/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst
Raise dem hands if you are ready to rend the authors darlings into scrap meat


[8/18/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst
@Joshua Bader GO!


[8/18/2026 7:03 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
✋

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[8/18/2026 7:03 PM] snowpuppie
👋

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[8/18/2026 7:03 PM] .revanarchy
Favorite Line: She’s smiling at me, transformed, her elongated canines shining under the parking lot lamp, her eyes glowing neon-blue.
Favorite Phrase:Scottish stank-ass pigeon

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[8/18/2026 7:03 PM] snowpuppie
never! 😄


[8/18/2026 7:03 PM] .revanarchy
Like Ill be disappointed if the pigeon doesnt win an emoti next month

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[8/18/2026 7:04 PM] .revanarchy
Favorite Scene: Pretty much everything after Fiona's appearance to the end of the chapter is really well done.

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[8/18/2026 7:04 PM] .revanarchy
Criticism: Which brings us to my complaint. Everything before Fiona's appearance is not great. This maybe a genre thing and Im expecting urban fantasy beats from a paranormal romance novel. If thats the case, Im sorry. 
I don't have a great visual of the Diiv. I'm not sure what species they shift into, I can't really see them. This is made especially weird by the fact that I know what everybody else looks like.
The opening of the chapter doesn't read like a fight or flight type scene. She mentions dissociation, but she doesn't really do that either. One way you can convey the energy of any of those things in writing is with short, fast sentences. Instead we get four paragraphs on maybe I could flip him, but I can't. It's decent writing, but it doesn't match the scene.
Ok, I reread it (I listened the first time). Its not bad before that. There's some genuine fear in the narrator (that is not conveyed by the AI narrator) early… until we get the dissertation on to flip or not flip. I would ruthlessly chop that section into quick little bits and leave chunks of it on the editing floor.

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[8/18/2026 7:04 PM] .revanarchy
Done


[8/18/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst
@TheFictionForager GO!


[8/18/2026 7:05 PM] msadventurouspurple
I think ruby was before me?


[8/18/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer
Correct


[8/18/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
@steffie GO!


[8/18/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst
danka

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[8/18/2026 7:06 PM] rubygs
OKay thank you


[8/18/2026 7:06 PM] rubygs
Favorite Line: “Yeh a’richt mate? These boys bothering you?” a musical voice cuts in.” -just in the right time. Whew!
Favorite Scene: “Stay out of this, fairy!” shouts another Diiv. “We are not part of the delegation. This girl is ours!”

Fiona scoffs. “According to our intelligence, yer the Diiv security escort. Which means yeh ARE part of the delegation—and violating the terms of parley under which the conference is held!” she shouts, her eyes full of fury. “And don’t call me fairy!”
 
Question: why not be called fairy? It that some sort of insult?

Critique: None. I need to read the other chapters, I’m interested and feel like I need to start from the beginning, though your summaries were A+!

Done.

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[8/18/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer
Always so classy about waiting @steffie


[8/18/2026 7:07 PM] rubygs
Of course! Everybody gets a turn. Patience is the way to go

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[8/18/2026 7:07 PM] starcryst
okay NOW @TheFictionForager GO!

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[8/18/2026 7:07 PM] msadventurouspurple
Loving the continuation of the sibling dynamics.

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[8/18/2026 7:07 PM] msadventurouspurple
I really liked the choice of Fiona saving them & how that develops both her character & the political dynamics at play

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[8/18/2026 7:08 PM] josisofer
In short, patriarchy. You haven't met the Clan Peri men yet.

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[8/18/2026 7:08 PM] msadventurouspurple
Critique: There are certain parts that feel like they go too far for a YA story

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[8/18/2026 7:08 PM] msadventurouspurple
“Do it, or we kill him, then we take turns with you—on top of his dead body”
At this point they’re already sexually assaulting her & have threatened violence against her brother. This dialogue doesn’t make them more dangerous, just makes me think this isn’t YA.


[8/18/2026 7:09 PM] erisindex
👋

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[8/18/2026 7:09 PM] .revanarchy
👋 (for Kris)

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[8/18/2026 7:09 PM] msadventurouspurple
“Try it again, and I’ll ream your arses so hard yeh next shite will feel like a hedgehog!”
This is a fun use of cussing, but again I question age appropriateness

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[8/18/2026 7:09 PM] msadventurouspurple
Question: what made you choose YA fiction? (Curious why market it as that vs. market this for adults?- seems like the references & time period would land better with an older crowd anyway)

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[8/18/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer
This is a fair critique, based on the age of the heroine, I think it's closer to New Adult

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[8/18/2026 7:09 PM] msadventurouspurple
Done


[8/18/2026 7:10 PM] starcryst
@lauriemacNorCal GO!


[8/18/2026 7:10 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite line: Creepy, but I giggle. I have to, she’s perched her leg like Captain Morgan on the Diiv who groped me.

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[8/18/2026 7:10 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite moment: It’s a tie between Fiona kicking all the Diiv’s asses and when she finally got Danny to show her his crooked smile.

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[8/18/2026 7:10 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Light criticism: The use of Fiona’s Scottish brogue felt a little heavy handed at times.

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[8/18/2026 7:10 PM] josisofer
YA requires the most discipline and structure of among paranormal romance. You have all these limits, but the stories are built for brains that are early-stage adults

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[8/18/2026 7:10 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
General feedback: Love this series! It was easy to get back into from our group reading of chapter one. I was a little lost at first but got caught up quick. You can tell you’re having fun writing this, Josi, and we’re having fun right along with you!

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[8/18/2026 7:11 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Question: Will Ari and Addi transform for the first time at the same time?
DONE


[8/18/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst
@Lisa N Snowe GO!


[8/18/2026 7:11 PM] snowpuppie
So, I read chapter 1 and 2, but did not get farther before reading chapter 6. Addi's character as an typical "coming into their own" bad ass 17 year old is fun and colorful. You do a wonderful job illustrating the logic of her frenetic, teenage brain: it felt a lot like a small metal ball on fire inside a Pinball machine. I'm not sure what to expect from her at times, and that was very much her character. 🙂

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[8/18/2026 7:11 PM] josisofer
Oooh, the next few chapters will have a serious development in that arena

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[8/18/2026 7:12 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite Lines:
"'I’m the Sergeant-At-Arms! I can batter anyone who steps out of line!' she barks. 'Details are in yer Welcome Packet!' I really should have paid better attention during the opening session.."    << I loved the work "bark" did here, after she has transformed. The word play made me laugh, and Addi's deadpan internal commentary landed with comedic perfection.

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[8/18/2026 7:12 PM] snowpuppie
“Get inside, now!” Danny yells at us, oblivious that he’s, like, totally screwed. Hopefully not literally. << More lovely character work. She always gets the last word in, doesn't she? XD

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[8/18/2026 7:12 PM] snowpuppie
“Adira Elm!” His voice is full of cheer and happiness and everything I need right now. << The relief she (and by extension the reader) feels at that moment was palpable. Love how that simple line had that much impact.

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[8/18/2026 7:12 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite Scene: The last one, when Heinrich walks up and teases her. It completely encapsulates all the rowdy teenage snark and chaos that's not only a reflection of how Addi's brain operates, but also of the type of existence all the members of the different clans seem to live. And the cigarette - the whole episode runs on cigarettes and their nicotine (bad decisions, rebellion, flirtation, perceived coolness, etc), so ending with one is so appropriate! And the ending leaves us wanting more - I want to know if what I thought happened, actually happened!

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[8/18/2026 7:13 PM] snowpuppie
Critique: There were times that the narrative bounced back and forth from Addi's self-doubt and interiority to external action very quickly and repeatedly, and while that kept the action feeling exactly like the situation WAS to all its participants (neat literary device, there), it did leave me feeling a little disoriented at times. If that's the goal: mission accomplished. 🙂

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[8/18/2026 7:13 PM] snowpuppie
Question for the author: Disclaimer-I've not read Chapt 3-5 so maybe that's answered in them, but, Ari seems like more of a prop for Addi than a fully realized character. Does he have a minor role, or does he play a larger part in the story? I was very curious about him being so different (he seemed cool, and collected, and quiet), even though he was Addi's fraternal twin. I want to know more about him, and what he means to Addi.

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[8/18/2026 7:13 PM] josisofer
completely fair, I always feel like fight scenes should be a bit chaotic

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[8/18/2026 7:13 PM] snowpuppie
Done


[8/18/2026 7:14 PM] josisofer
I have big plans for Ariel Elm, big plans in general for the Elm siblings, but this is not Danny or Ari's story

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[8/18/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst
@Eris Index GO!


[8/18/2026 7:14 PM] erisindex
First happy birthday. And I'm about to be slow. Working on this tiny phone instead of my laptop.

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[8/18/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex
Favorite lines: “I turn red. And not in a fun way. I decide to give myself an emergency mental vacation.”

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[8/18/2026 7:15 PM] .revanarchy
Dedication right there. Write Club over Spiderman! 🤣

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[8/18/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex
This is such an Addi line. After reading a good bit of your stuff, it’s really a you line. She’s genuinely terrified, but her brain is still her brain, and I love it when the humor comes straight out of character instead of feeling shoved into the writing.

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[8/18/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer
Thank you, I work really hard on her being that I am not, in fact, a 17 year old teenage girl

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[8/18/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
Alright I'm pasting it all.

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[8/18/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
Fuck this.


[8/18/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex
“I’m the Sergeant-at-Arms! I can batter anyone who steps out of line. Details are in yer Welcome Packet.” 
 I laughed. Hard. Fiona beating the hell out of everybody, then basically going, "Read the paperwork?" YES, I love it. It tells me almost everything I need to know about her in one little bit. 
“Crap on a candlestick–she’s as big a dork as he is.” 
Yep. 😂 This was the exact moment where Danny and Fiona made complete sense as one entity. Addi realizing it before either one of them does made it even more cringy for her. 
Favorite scenes:
Fiona showing up was probably my favorite part. You go from Addi being in a nasty, shitty situation to Fiona appearing with her Captain Morgan pose on top of the Diiv, and somehow the humor doesn’t erase the terrible bits. That’s hard to pull off, but you did it well.  
And Danny/Fiona after the fight. I loved the whole stupid-smile-cigarette-flirting situation. Especially because we’re watching it through Addi, who sees EXACTLY what is happening and is internally screaming while those two idiots figure it out. 
Criticism: First, I found a few obvious typos and a missing word somewhere that pulled me out, but I was immediately pulled right back in. No worries, and if I wasn’t missing in action right now, I’d go back and find them for you. I’m typing this before I get ready for the movies, you know, girly girl here. Hair, makeup, and all that jazz... BUT I’m sure that when it’s my turn, I will be hiding in the bathroom at the movie theater with a wild four-year-old, furiously copying and pasting. Last bit: Addi was doing a fair amount of navel-gazing during the destressing situation. It will hit much harder if you trim that. 
Overall: I really liked this one. Addi’s voice carries the whole thing for me… she’s funny without feeling written that way, and even when something horrible is happening, she still sounds completely like Addi. Fiona was also a freaking blast, and now I’m really invested in this chaos. 
Question: Was Danny and Fiona an add-on as you were writing, or preplanned? 
DONE.

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[8/18/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
@Joshua Bader GO!


[8/18/2026 7:17 PM] .revanarchy
Write club - working so this is gonna be quick. My favorite thing was the dialogue - the different dialects that they spoke, their cadence, their manners of speech. It told me a lot about them and I really dug that.
Criticism - some of the dialogue tags pulled me out. She whispered, she barked, etc. It was a little much. But otherwise, I really enjoyed this piece and think you can do a lot with this. Way to go!

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[8/18/2026 7:17 PM] .revanarchy
From Kris


[8/18/2026 7:17 PM] .revanarchy
Done


[8/18/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer
Were Danny and Fiona planned? They have such great chemistry, don't they? 🤭

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[8/18/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
We have 29 folks online, so I KNOW we have lurkers who want to say something about Lady Adderall and her court of shifters... Come on don't be shy!

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[8/18/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
Get your hand up if you want to share -- meantime I'll go


[8/18/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
General feedback: Fun as always and Addi's voice is the engine of the story and its still wonderful.

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[8/18/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer
It's a big ask for not a chapter 1 or a short story

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[8/18/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
Best line(s): 

“I’m the Sergeant-At-Arms! I can batter anyone who steps out of line!” she barks. “Details are in yer Welcome Packet!” <<< love this

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[8/18/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
saucy confidence is the best kind

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[8/18/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
"Scottish stank-ass pigeon" <<< pretty fun reversal on her savoir just because she's bout to boink her brother. Mercurial!

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[8/18/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst
“Is that why yeh took so long to get here then?” Fiona teases, nodding to Danny’s pack. “Ashy lungs?” <<< also this - Ashy lungs is wonderful


[8/18/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst
Like, I need to bathe in bleach. <<< I literally believe that this character will do that.

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[8/18/2026 7:20 PM] briancfahey
@Josi Sofer  love the use of the word “yer” in the dialogue, adds to the overall affect of the action based conversation very fun, audio version was tremendous

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[8/18/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst
“I turn red. And not in a fun way. I decide to give myself an emergency mental vacation.” <<< authentic for her voice.

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[8/18/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst
Best scene: the Danny + Fiona flirtation sequence.

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[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
I did feel that the flirt scenes could have been even more over the top. I got the sense that Addi was almost more grossed out by Danny & the vamp than by the Diiv tongue and that was funny to me.

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[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
Critique - 

Danny nods to Ari, and transforms back. He smiles at Fiona, cocking his head to the side and giving her a smile that broke hundred of hearts at our high school. <<< hundreds?


[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] briancfahey
The cigarette action was very cool

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[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
Mom says his crooked smile makes him look sinister, and Danny remember that, because he lifts the right side of his face. <<< remembers?


[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] briancfahey
Or should I say Kool

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[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst
I'm struggling a bit with what the different clans shift into. Peri is now Fanged Faeries? Diiv is Werewolves? What is Danny? Also a Werewolf? Maybe you are doing reveals as a thing, but I'd love some more specificity in what each clan is all about.

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[8/18/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer
Danny resembles 90s Brad Pitt

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[8/18/2026 7:22 PM] briancfahey
Brad’s never made a bad movie

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[8/18/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/18/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer
I am holding a lot back because a lot is being held from Addi


[8/18/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst
OKAY anyone else for a GO???


[8/18/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer
I have to admit there is a drift for this story, which was designed as prequel material for my already written novels

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[8/18/2026 7:23 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
@Hammond   ready to chime in?


[8/18/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/ncl-gotime

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NCL It's Go Time!
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[8/18/2026 7:23 PM] hammondjohns
Yes


[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] hammondjohns
I can't work out how to raise my hand


[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
Go @Hammond! Welcome!


[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] hammondjohns
Favorite line: Try it again, and I’ll ream your arses so hard yeh next shite will feel like a hedgehog!”  But I also liked “Crap, now I’m crying.”
Favorite scene: Fiona saves the day
Question for author:  Are we meant to know what Diivs are by this stage of the story?
Done

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[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] josisofer
It's an emoji


[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] josisofer
You are not

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[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst


{Attachments}
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890196082294804/1539414739833061497/image.png?ex=6ab8fcf2&is=6ab7ab72&hm=05dfaa20cf1b435abe66514e5a37b02c1bcc45fe3858014b99a877ccdc063556&

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[8/18/2026 7:24 PM] hammondjohns
Yeah, I'll have to work it out when there's less time pressure, lol

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[8/18/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
thank you for joining in!

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[8/18/2026 7:25 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
(Why... Is there a bone, David?? She says, while pretending to work)

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[8/18/2026 7:25 PM] josisofer
That's okay @Hammond I just crashed in my first time and started talking

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[8/18/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst
okay @Josi Sofer Any last words for the room?


[8/18/2026 7:26 PM] josisofer
Guys, like I mentioned above, this was not Chapter 1 or a short story, so all your efforts are appreciated. Thanks for helping make my birthday a blast!

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[8/18/2026 7:26 PM] snowpuppie
I will be careful not to screenshot all of mine .... XD

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[8/18/2026 7:26 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
https://klipy.com/gifs/hbd-104

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Happy Birthday Cat with Cake
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[8/18/2026 7:26 PM] briancfahey
@Josi Sofer great work


[8/18/2026 7:26 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
https://klipy.com/gifs/gg-109

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DJ Cat Party: WOO!!!
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[8/18/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
Okay that's a WRAP for Write Club! Join us in #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self promotion!

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[8/18/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
All eggplant and peach eh?


[8/18/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
https://klipy.com/gifs/happy-birthday-happy-birthday-cake-21

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Happy Birthday MotherF*cker! Cake Meme
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[8/18/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
And


[8/19/2026 12:30 PM] fictionshroom
@Josi Sofer I've got a long one for you. 😏


[8/19/2026 12:31 PM] fictionshroom
Fav lines ... The creep behind me is standing up too much, he’s not grounded, a simple wrist lock and hip thrust would flip him over me and onto his back…

I could pull that off if he was human.

But he’s not. Even in his human-looking-state, he’s way too strong and fast for me. And too heavy—all initiates are heavier than they look. Throwing my twin Ari during drills is already a big enough ask from me the past few months, and he’s still just a grown-man.

Plus, Ari goes easy on me, like I’m going to squeal to Dad if he hurts me.

I might have, once or twice…

>>> Appreciate this. She can be sassy tough, competent, have agency, and still have physical limitations. I'm very much on team “tiny girls can't ragdoll big dudes” … unless it's Xena. That blacksmith lady always beating Hercules up was so stupid. But then again maybe he was letting her win because it was sexy … um. Anyway. Where was I?

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[8/19/2026 12:31 PM] fictionshroom
Creepy, but I giggle. I have to, she’s perched her leg like Captain Morgan on the Diiv who groped me. I LOVED THIS VISUAL.

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[8/19/2026 12:31 PM] fictionshroom
Then his eyes meet hers, and panic washes over me. Like, I instantly wish she caught him ogling her shoulder boulders, because this is far worse.

He’s staring, sprung on her baby blues. >> UH OH. Boy can't be falling in love now … just look at the boobies and let's go. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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[8/19/2026 12:31 PM] fictionshroom
I love the chaos and the irreverence and how even with all the gross danger and everything she keeps the attitude. Firmly rooted in that 90s aesthetic. Like Spider Man etc. I dig it.

The action is well done. All the character work. It's a fun time.

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[8/19/2026 12:32 PM] fictionshroom
Critique. And this might just be me, but your dialect doesn't land for me all the time. I love a Scottish brogue and most of Fiona is fine. I used to read a lot of Redwall and the moles talk in some kind of back country cockney Scottish sort of way, Brian Jacques said where they were supposed to be mimicking, but anyway he did some reading as a mole and how he was saying everything was the way I had read it in my head with his dialectic spelling. The thing that Fiona said that threw me off was “a’richt” I read that in a German accent and got lost 

Otherwise super super love 💕

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[8/19/2026 2:54 PM] josisofer
This is a fair critique. Scottish accents are tough to transliterate

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[8/19/2026 3:20 PM] somuchfor_subtlety
ef ye cud chenge yer feht, woodja?

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[8/19/2026 3:27 PM] josisofer
While being understandable


[8/19/2026 3:29 PM] somuchfor_subtlety
Scottish accents being understandable really undermines the verisimilitude of your worldbuilding imho

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[8/19/2026 3:31 PM] josisofer
Nice to know the lycanthrope-style shifters holds but a Scotswoman we can understand is a bridge too far

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[8/19/2026 3:35 PM] somuchfor_subtlety
https://klipy.com/gifs/aliens-i-want-to-believe-1

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Aliens: I Want To Believe Poster
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[8/19/2026 3:44 PM] fictionshroom
Here is some mole speak ... " Harr he'm be noice an soft sur. Baint no rock nor root to stop us'ns straight furrer we'm a thinkin"  "oi'll dig ahead, you'm woiden workens. Foller up a shorin. You'm gennelbeast by 'ere 'til us back" "nay nay you uns on'y get yur paws durted"

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[8/19/2026 3:47 PM] lammbbb
That 'ere is the ass-ent of Somerset, me-lover

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[8/19/2026 3:49 PM] fictionshroom
Aaaah. See I had forgotten what Brian Jacques said he based them on.


[8/19/2026 3:50 PM] fictionshroom
But he's my example  because how I read it in my head turned out to be correct. When I saw the episode where he reads the moles, it was exactly as I imagined.


[8/19/2026 3:51 PM] lammbbb
Yeah he does good tranliteration


[8/19/2026 3:51 PM] josisofer
Rather be learning the Kernewek axcent, also know as 'avinh a pirate accent me 'ansum

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[8/19/2026 3:53 PM] lammbbb
That one gets a little crazy the deeper you go because at some point you just have to learn Cornish

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[8/19/2026 3:54 PM] josisofer
Silent "h" sound, rhotic "R", and flows like warm butter. Sexiest on women, and has hilarious sayings.


[8/19/2026 3:54 PM] josisofer
Meur ras for the excuse. Fatel gedes? That's 100% of the Kernewek I can remember off the top of my head.


[8/19/2026 3:56 PM] josisofer
But, the sayings in English are still worth it.


[8/19/2026 3:56 PM] josisofer
He's not skinny, he's all cock and ribs


[8/19/2026 3:59 PM] lammbbb
Y'ar 'ee may be naught bae cock an' ribs, but 'ee's teasy as'n adder, our Nije

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[8/21/2026 2:57 PM] lammbbb
So, I finally caught up and read this chapter. I'll start by saying I don't really have a favorite line-- not because there's anything wrong with the dialogue but in fact because the dialogue is so good. It's what shines here.

The characters are good, each one stands out uniquely. I know that you've always said this is your particular talent, Josi, so I won't spit on my hand and rub you too long about it but it is nice.


[8/21/2026 2:57 PM] lammbbb
I have two criticisms. One is broad and the other is a nitpick.


[8/21/2026 2:59 PM] lammbbb
The broad criticism is that I feel this whole chapter is lacking a lot in description. For instance, the action stops for a moment with the arrival of Fiona-- this is an excellent opportunity to flesh out a description of her transformation. It's also the first time we're seeing a transformed person in the story (as far as I can remember) so this should be a pretty big moment in my opinion. But it's really just her teeth and then back to the action. I could interpret her appearance any number of ways.


[8/21/2026 3:00 PM] lammbbb
Pacing-wise I imagine you're not wanting to linger too long, but I feel like everything freezes when she comes in anyway so this is an opportunity for spectacle


[8/21/2026 3:01 PM] lammbbb
A lot of things that happen lack their usual description until we get to her outfit (all the way after the action ends... meaning is she basically naked during the action? Is her transformation into something with fur or scales and her clothing magically gone?) with your usual in-depth description which I always appreciate


[8/21/2026 3:02 PM] lammbbb
The nit pick is that I am not exactly sure what exactly this Diiv has done to Addi's boobs just using his forearms

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[8/21/2026 3:02 PM] lammbbb
Did he just... sort of use the back of his arm to lift them and weigh them?


[8/21/2026 3:03 PM] lammbbb
It's still a horrible violation but it makes one wonder what he is getting out of it, what he is trying to do, etc


[8/21/2026 3:03 PM] lammbbb
Like you expect a groper to just go whole-hog and employ the claw


[8/21/2026 3:04 PM] lammbbb
And in fact it would make their ensuing beatdown more satisfying, make the violation more scandalous and horrifying if he did something like this


[8/21/2026 3:04 PM] lammbbb
That's a young lady, sir!

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[8/21/2026 3:05 PM] lammbbb
As it is I'm not sure what he's doing. If he's willing to gang-rape this girl, why is he pussyfooting about groping her?


[8/21/2026 3:05 PM] lammbbb
Or if he actually has groped her, then I was just confused by the description of what he had done


[8/21/2026 3:06 PM] lammbbb
I am sorry it took me so long to get to it, I hope you had a happy birthday


[8/21/2026 3:07 PM] lammbbb
I can't think of anything else to say


[8/23/2026 12:21 AM] shikanokoshitantan
Late to the party. I’m very behind on write club 😭

This is an enjoyable read and my favourite part is: 

Peace out, yo. My soul is going bye-bye.

My least favourite part is the depiction of assault and the r word (maybe I’ve been sheltering myself from the the r word for too long and I absolutely loathe violence against women that it took me by surprise): 

He’s really going to make me say that I want to be raped, or Ari dies?!

Overall, I like the prose and wish there was a wiki to keep track of all characters. 

Happy belated 21st Josi, I’m looking forward to reading more of your work!

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