============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-23-26-carl-price ============================================================== [8/11/2026 8:19 PM] somedesertrat https://cnpricewriter.substack.com/p/desert-moon {Embed} https://cnpricewriter.substack.com/p/desert-moon Desert Moon- Chapter 1 Just another night for a hard-working dhampir https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/pMGPII3JxeBMRBJPKCtdgiGLppSlHCZFyT2YwKC2Lig/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21omYY%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fcnpricewriter.substack.com%252Ftwitter%252Fsubscribe-card.jpg%253Fv%253D-491734092%2526version%253D9 [8/11/2026 8:20 PM] somedesertrat -# I feel like such a frickin pleb because I don't have a nifty coverpiece [8/22/2026 6:45 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 @David T Etheredge - Inference , make the cool announcement card so I can post it on Substack! [8/22/2026 9:23 PM] starcryst @Carl Price good? {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890549066399884/1540894342649217024/cabc8889-058a-4704-afc1-f23bf566ed70.png?ex=6ab918ef&is=6ab7c76f&hm=4f8613b3ce5cb60fa122792d3b5a29b88653d507f201e4c065848f97f5d3f5ef& {Reactions} 👍 (4) [8/22/2026 9:25 PM] somedesertrat Got Marshall lookin' rougher than I expected for that night! I dig it! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/22/2026 9:26 PM] starcryst Okay! [8/23/2026 12:46 AM] shikanokoshitantan I cannot make it because of work, but I’ll send you my notes! It’s mooncake festival by the way… dessert moon… {Reactions} ❤️ [8/23/2026 10:04 AM] somedesertrat Have fun and consume lots of yuebing! [8/23/2026 6:13 PM] starcryst @everyone Write Club kicks off here at 7pm EST. If you'd like to join in, read the story and like / restack the promo card below. Thank you! https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-321159145 {Embed} https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-321159145 David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge) Tonight we’d love for you to join us for Write Club featuring @Carl Price’s story Desert Moon - Chapter 1. Read the story first and show up at 7pm EST at http://WriteClub.Chat to discuss it and share feedback with the author. https://cnpricewriter.substack.com/p/desert-moon https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/EUJgi5v6YzfvAZKe9lAl7nFGD85KyStz44v9Vu0oGzI/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21_lgz%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Fb6c35b5b-e8c0-4443-9d68-74a061e85f6c_1122x1402.png {Reactions} 👍 (5) 🔥 (4) 💯 (5) [8/23/2026 7:00 PM] erisindex Am I on the right day??? Yeessss {Reactions} 🔥 👍 [8/23/2026 7:01 PM] snowpuppie yesss 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat Hey what do you know, I'm on the right day too! {Reactions} 🤣 (2) 💯 (2) [8/23/2026 7:01 PM] lammbbb https://klipy.com/gifs/vhd-1 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/vhd-1 Vhd https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/jkcnD9RqF5NT4tpDETQhS80QDgBISGHzEplai1STvic/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4493325008d34b7bf8cd6813cd5c1619/0d/9e/49wbWbBaYsrporr.webp {Reactions} 👍 (2) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:01 PM] kotaotan I'm excited! [8/23/2026 7:01 PM] rubygs https://klipy.com/gifs/gg-109 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/gg-109 DJ Cat Party: WOO!!! https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/ppUoauusfjL5in0GN59r6GftsF1tAA5-bifBnctTYFg/https/static.klipy.com/ii/925f17378dd1893b674a723c07535afe/e1/03/8nMsFWYR.webp {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:01 PM] snowpuppie https://klipy.com/gifs/stickupboys-pixie-post-3 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/stickupboys-pixie-post-3 Stickupboys Pixie In Da House https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/IvTl--SdfuLsl6-5lg4Xw-kd7lRcZfHU5JqfrQQacOE/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d7aec6f6f171607374b2065c836f92f4/47/45/0LT2Y6id.webp {Reactions} 🔥 🤣 (2) [8/23/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex @Jae Cole are you joining today? 🙏 [8/23/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer Okay, @everyone It seems like @David T Etheredge - Inference is either running late or taking the night off, but it's time for Write Club! {Reactions} 🔥 (6) 👍 (5) [8/23/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer For those of you unfamiliar, here is the chat format {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890549066399884/1541221473514168411/Write_Club_Chat_Format.webp?ex=6ab8f819&is=6ab7a699&hm=c6c2dfb005ab958103ad9569351823149a93f0852ccf9e3837144eee2424fe92& {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:03 PM] snowpuppie He just yelled he's not scheudled to MC tonight? News to me ... 😂 {Reactions} 🤣 [8/23/2026 7:03 PM] jaecole_02896 Sure, I wrote some notes. But I'll see if I'm too nice/harsh after watching a few people go. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] kotaotan He's being held by the Fae. {Reactions} 💯 (4) 🤣 (2) [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst Josi gives me shit when I talk and gives me shit when I don't talk {Reactions} 🔥 (2) 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer He didn't say anything! [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] somedesertrat Mouse-bun distracted him. {Reactions} 🤣 (6) [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] erisindex It's because your ligaments are hoarse [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer Okay Iet's see those happy waving hands, who wants to go first? [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] fictionshroom 👋 [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb 🙋‍♂️ [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] kotaotan 👋 [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] rubygs 👋 [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] xenonsteem 👋 [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] re1nger 👋 [8/23/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst Well I had to go kick some guys asses for being mean to children {Reactions} 👍 (4) 🔥 (4) 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 👋 [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst 👋 [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] hammondjohns 👋 [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] snowpuppie 👋 [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer @Carl Price you want it kid-friendly, or gun in your face? {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] vaelinshadowbloom 👏 [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] somedesertrat .410 Iron shot to the gut {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer You heard the man, @✨🍄Fiction Shroom🍄✨ , give it to him [8/23/2026 7:05 PM] fictionshroom I came prepared! {Reactions} 👍 [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] loganraith ✋ [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] lammbbb I'm cutting my shell now [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] erisindex 👋 [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom A bajillion fav lines. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom Pixies are generally viewed as pests. ‘Rambunctious little creatures with only enough room for one emotion’ is usually the nicest thing anyone says about them. That fine descriptor, of course, is mostly from people familiar with a particular pixie actress who starred in a movie about a certain boy who refused to grow up. ‘Annoying little shits’ is a more common line used to describe them; more often than not, by victims of their only slightly harmful pranks. >> This is what hooked me in the first place. I love it. Evil little pixies! {Reactions} 🔥 (10) 👆 [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom Popping the door open, he slid out of the seat and blew a long breath out before pressing it closed. He moved with a predator’s grace across the parking lot, hands stuffed in the pockets of an aged leather jacket and sunglass-covered eyes fixed on the trio of small figures rolling in hysterics on the bench. Their small voices jingled and jangled into his ears like bells. >> I love the characterization here, Marshall is instantly smooth and cool and his presence actually gives me a visual for the tone of the surroundings too. And then the giggling pixies over there totally out of place and breaking the atmosphere. Love it. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom The drunk’s groans lowed from the parking lot like an animal struggling to give birth. >> Very evocative. I hear this. I know this sound. 🤣 {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 🔥 (5) 🤣 (2) [8/23/2026 7:07 PM] fictionshroom They leaned forward, tiny mouths spread wide in feral grins that revealed tiny, shark-like teeth. Their eyes seemed to shift pitch black in the halogen glow of the streetlamp over the bench. “Kick their ass if you have to!” >> evil pixies! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (4) OwlKnife (3) 🤣 (2) [8/23/2026 7:08 PM] fictionshroom After a few minutes, Marshall walked out of the store, plastic bag full of snacks in one hand and a pair of brown paper bags in the other. The teenagers sat, perched on the table like birds, and shot stern glares at anyone approaching the Mustang. Marshall placed the paper bags at their feet and nodded. >> Perched like birds. 🤌 Great visual {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:08 PM] fictionshroom Love all the banter with Marshall and the pixies. He's just not having any of their bullshit and they keep trying. Good back and forth. We're getting exposition on this world here naturally and getting into Marshall’s personality. It's all very cinematic and I'm pulled in right away. And then : As Marshall slowed to a crawl passing the trio, he hung an arm out the window and, with a casual ease, extended his middle finger before stomping on the gas. 🤣🤣🤣 {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (2) 🤣 (2) 🙌 [8/23/2026 7:08 PM] fictionshroom Really so much character and exposition is done through the dialogue and it's very snappy natural and fun to read. When he's calling Rihanna and they go back and forth and he has to pull teeth so to speak to get answers. We know exactly who she is and how he feels about her. All the evocative description, you've got a knack for a short phrase that gets an exact mental image of what's happening. One thought, mixed in with a low, capering chatter in the back of his head echoed. “Fucking vampires.” >> perfect ending. Ready for more. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:09 PM] fictionshroom Only criticism is that this runs long for substack. The end of the pixies and the start of the next scene would probably make a good break but I wasn't watching the word count. And the length didn't stop me reading it all, I just kept it in a back tab and came back to it. {Reactions} 👍 (5) ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:09 PM] fictionshroom Literally no notes. I just came here to glaze. 😌 {Reactions} 😎 [8/23/2026 7:09 PM] fictionshroom DONE [8/23/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer @Lunetois you're up! [8/23/2026 7:10 PM] lammbbb Hi {Reactions} 👋 (3) [8/23/2026 7:10 PM] lammbbb I don't have a favorite line so much as my favorite thing about the story is that each new supernatural entity that is introduced is more annoying and more of a pain in the ass to deal with than the last. It's clear Marshall lacks the self-awareness to realize that the biggest pain in the ass is the one that's in your ass at the present moment. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:10 PM] lammbbb There's a lot of good things to say about this. Description is good, but not too long. Dialogue is very well-realized, quite easy to hear in the head. The times that description is skinny are fine because it's about universal things. The gas station burger and that chalky bottled coffee drink, for instance. Maybe this is my former trucker showing, but I feel like everybody knows what those things are without needing a great deal of exposition and can practically taste them even though Marshall is not described as reacting to them in anyway. It's perfectly serviceable nonfood nutritional mass. Next, a special mention must be given to Marshall needing to ride down the hammer on his Judge. My wife and I both shoot a lot of double-action revolvers and it's really funny how often in a story you will see a character cock the hammer of one without any kind of consequences. Perhaps this is second place in the Most Common Gun Sins contest to characters cocking the hammer on a single-action autoloader with no decocker. Also, it's nice to see a character who is so outwardly cool but kind of has a regular or dorky or cheap gun instead of another freakin' 1911, Model 29, SAA, C96, etc etc etc-- I mean no shade I guess to such beautiful iconic guns but once you've seen them two-hundred times you do get tired of them. Judge is also a good gun for a supernatural lawman anyway because he can load .410 shotshells with whatever material harms his particular aggressor of the week. Like the mention of iron, here (not sure if there's a cold-iron as well in this setting but nice if so) for instance. It also shows once we discover that Marshall has been sent looking for these ratlings that he is the sort who plans ahead for multiple contingencies... Even if that plan is that he may have to kill the missing children he has been dispatched to recover. But Marsh is so cool and confident that I'm sure he has a perfectly good reason for packing anti-the-thing-he's-looking-for heat. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) [8/23/2026 7:10 PM] lammbbb I guess that leads me into my critique. It's going to sound weird... but Marshall is just... How do I put this? He's *too* cool. The 69 stang, the wheelgun, the leather jacket, the whiskey, the sunglasses? It's a bit too on-the-nose. The entire night is just so effortless for him, he's annoyed at worst by it. There's no threat (that we the reader can understand, because perhaps there is but Marshall may be responding to it with understatement) and there's no real flaw about the character. People don't even seem to think he's all that hokey with his whole get-up. The worst criticism he gets is that he throws his leather jacket on the floor and let's be honest do we really think this is a big deal? Does his perfectly-eyebrowed assistant? I'd like to see him struggle or be disliked by people he isn't actively antagonizing; or at least have some sort of visible up-front flaw instead of just being the awesome super-cool everything guy. He seems kind of broke, at least... But doesn't seem to mind it too much. I guess this is a soft version of being a Mary Sue? The label feels wrong, but it's a similar mechanic. {Reactions} 🔥 (6) 👍 (4) [8/23/2026 7:10 PM] lammbbb Question: Is this finished? What's the wordcount on it right now? [8/23/2026 7:10 PM] lammbbb That's all I've got. [8/23/2026 7:11 PM] josisofer Thorough feedback as usual @Lunetois {Reactions} 🔥 ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:12 PM] josisofer @Kevin Prime , let's hear whatca got [8/23/2026 7:12 PM] kotaotan Ok! Too many favorite lines, but this one stood out. Dealing with Fae and their ilk was closer to herding cats. Extracting a straight answer from a fairy, especially one that carried authority, was a task more akin to teaching a toddler trigonometry, and Rihanna had authority. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) 💙 (4) 🔥 (5) 💖 (3) 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:12 PM] kotaotan That showed a lot of forethought about how the Fae actually behave. Loved it. {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:13 PM] kotaotan I don't have a lot of critiques in general because I got pulled straight into the story and the imagery of it all. And that's what you want! You want to inhabit the worlds you're reading. {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/23/2026 7:13 PM] somedesertrat Yes, it's a finished work and the wordcount is floating around 68k. There's some things that I'll wind up expanding on once I move towards publishing it {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (4) 💪 (4) 🙂‍↕️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:13 PM] kotaotan It's also probably obvious that I'm a big fan of urban fantasy and what have you, so you hooked me quick. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (3) 👍 (5) 🫶 (2) [8/23/2026 7:14 PM] kotaotan If I have a critique, it's that I hope Marshall ends up being either very insecure or grossly immature and has a really fun character arc based around that. {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 (3) 👍 (3) FACEPALMOWL (2) ☝️ [8/23/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan But that's it. I loved it and can't wait to read the next chapter! Thank you for it! DONE!! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:15 PM] josisofer Wait... hold on [8/23/2026 7:15 PM] josisofer Nobody cut in line or forgot @steffie , okay go! {Reactions} 🔥 🤣 [8/23/2026 7:15 PM] rubygs really? LOL [8/23/2026 7:15 PM] rubygs Favorite Scene: The whole opening scene with the pixies. Great description! I love how they were tricking drunks. Exactly what I’d expect pixies to do. Favorite Line: As Marshall slowed to a crawl passing the trio, he hung an arm out the window and, with a casual ease, extended his middle finger before stomping on the gas. - Yeah I like this dude LOL Critique: I was a little unclear about Morgan’s scene. She decided to hide when she heard Marshall’s car coming? Even though she works for him? That whole part confused me. And also “And pick your damn jacket up before you go hide.”- why would this imposing man need to go hide? Also, super teeny detail. A standard dachshund is generally 16-32 pounds. A lot to carry, long, and you have to be careful with their backs… not just a quick scoop kind of dog. A mini would be 11 pounds or less so maybe that’s what you’re thinking? It just totally distracted me. My sister had a weenie dog and he was HEAVY yet fragile because of his back. I loved the worldbuilding and the feel of this story though and I definitely want to read more! ❤️ DONE {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (4) 🙌 [8/23/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer Short and Sweet [8/23/2026 7:17 PM] josisofer @Ian J Snow , it doesn't rain in the desert usually, so drop the hail on him {Reactions} 🤣 (2) 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:17 PM] xenonsteem Okay I'm short and sweet too. 😜 {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:17 PM] somedesertrat Mini-dachshund, yes. Zena was based off of mine {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/23/2026 7:17 PM] fictionshroom Can I pop in with the reminder to break your critiques into pieces for reactions? 🙏 [8/23/2026 7:17 PM] xenonsteem Favorite line “Fine. We’ll go.” He threw a look at Mouse-bun and Mahogany. “Come on, let’s go… Denny’s is still open.” {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:17 PM] xenonsteem That told me everything I needed to know about the Pixies they're not just evil they're Denny's evil. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (4) 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:18 PM] xenonsteem The whole story lived in and I'll agree it was a little long it could have been split in two. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 💯 [8/23/2026 7:18 PM] somedesertrat -# I'm stealing that line {Reactions} 💯 (4) 🔥 (3) 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:18 PM] xenonsteem I really like your restraint though in that there are several characters that you just hear him talking to or sending messages to but there's not a lore dump about who these people are. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (4) 💯 ☝️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer All suggestions to authors are yours, no one gets property rights on stuff for the star here. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:19 PM] xenonsteem And it's not really a critique but I'm getting the sense that there's a lot of us writing in this kind of basic space so I'm rethinking some of my future projects. 🤣 {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:19 PM] xenonsteem DONE [8/23/2026 7:19 PM] somedesertrat Nah, go for it! {Reactions} 💙 (2) [8/23/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer @re1nger , I've never met you but that name suggests firepower, let em have it {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🤣 (2) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:19 PM] re1nger Hello {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 👋 (5) [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger Fav lines: [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger “Not our fault he’s such a dumbass!” >> haha they've been in the game for far too long {Reactions} 🤣 (9) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger “I don’t want to do this, but I will. I keep it loaded with iron for little turd-blossoms like you.” A lie. >> what a boss thing to say, especially knowing it's a lie {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (4) 🤣 (4) ☝️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger "Answer your phone when I call and this shit won’t happen.” >> I mean yeah, gotta pick up the phone 🙂 {Reactions} 🤣 (4) 😂 (2) 😭 (2) 👍 (2) [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger General feedback: I really liked how Marshall is revealed as a character through the dialogues. The dialogues in general are pretty memorable to me. I guess there's also prologue that I should read to better familiarize myself with the universe, but reading Chapter 1 already gave me enough of lore exposition to immerse in the story. Also loved the dog Zena 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (5) [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger Crit: Well, I can't really point out something critical, that's the book I'd read to the end, perhaps I'm not that familiar with the lore but it didn't really spoil the experience 🙂 {Reactions} 💯 (5) 👍 (2) [8/23/2026 7:20 PM] re1nger END {Reactions} 🔥 [8/23/2026 7:21 PM] xenonsteem Crap. I forgot there were two verb tense wobbles, also. I do that a lot so it hit me. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:21 PM] rubygs Ours was supposed to be a mini but he was closer to a standard [8/23/2026 7:21 PM] josisofer @lauriemacNorCal , it's time to be a little meaner and unload on Coral {Reactions} ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:22 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite line: The only thing worse than dealing with spacey, potentially spiteful and authoritative Fae, a pack of werewolves in a trailer park and whatever other mundane requests for private investigations and recovery, was dealing with a vampire. {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:22 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite moment: When he bought booze for the teen fae or the last line. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) [8/23/2026 7:22 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Criticism: A bit on the long side. And I, too, was very confused by Morgan’s reaction to her boss pulling up. {Reactions} 👆 (4) [8/23/2026 7:22 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 General feedback: I could see everything. Your descriptions pulled me right in. Definitely looking forward to chapter two. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:23 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Question: Has the protagonist been in your brain for a while? (done) [8/23/2026 7:23 PM] josisofer @David T Etheredge - Inference , pass {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/23/2026 7:23 PM] josisofer j/k go ahead man, we love you here {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/rabbit-cry {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/rabbit-cry Bugs Bunny Crying Scene https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/prVAz2rSpaoBeDNBemM2NwEc17LMKdTQb7Sx4RiMEpI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/35ccce3d852f7995dd2da910f2abd795/7a/51/wbhwZPss.webp {Reactions} 🤣 (5) 💖 (3) 🍄 [8/23/2026 7:24 PM] somedesertrat I've had him in my head and on paper in various forms since the late 90s, so yeah. He's been in my head for awhile {Reactions} ❤️ (3) ❤️‍🔥 (4) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Best line(s): His steps lurched and loped like a man who spent all night in the cups, chasing hops and barley with corn and rye. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 👆 (4) 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:24 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 I knew it {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Know this guy and his state exactly in 20 words. {Reactions} 💯 (4) [8/23/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Beneath her, a small black Dachshund lay curled in a well-worn terrycloth bed, little legs kicking as she chased dreamed-of squirrels. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) memes_dog_dance (3) [8/23/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst Also know who this character is immediately. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:25 PM] fictionshroom The description of his breath, I could smell that and wanted to gag {Reactions} 🤣 (6) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst This continued until, after fifteen iterations, someone answered in mid-ring. <<< power move. I'm going to use this. {Reactions} 🤣 (7) 🔥 (5) 👍 (6) [8/23/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst Tells us so much about his personality - he's not giving up period, until he gets what he wants. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) 💯 (2) [8/23/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst “Convincing drunks that they’re helping kids and pointing them in the direction of an Arizona ass-whuppin’ can draw the wrong kind of attention—you know this, Ree.” <<< assigning nicknames to people for your own convenience, also a power move. {Reactions} 🔥 (8) 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst You are doing excellent character work throughout the story. {Reactions} 💯 (12) 🔥 (6) [8/23/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst And I especially love the sequence when he leaves the beer for the kids. {Reactions} 👍 (5) 🔥 (3) [8/23/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst Best sequence(s): The ending sequence between Marshall and Morgan. I have questions. I expect answers next chapter. Is she scared of him? Excited by him? Both? {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (2) 👆 (2) 💯 (2) [8/23/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst Critique: Would like a horizontal rule or some visual signal that we are switching location/scene/POV before the Landmark Plaza scene <<< I had to go back and reorient myself here. Broke the flow {Reactions} 💯 (7) [8/23/2026 7:27 PM] kotaotan Scaredcited. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst Question: Is Marshall human? Is Fucking Vampires self referential??? {Reactions} 🤣 (6) 👍 (2) [8/23/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst DONE [8/23/2026 7:28 PM] somedesertrat Dhampir (1/2 vampire). The 'Fucking Vampires' is partially self referential. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 😲 (2) [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer While we think about whether or not Marshall is getting blood-sucking tang, @Hammond go [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] hammondjohns Overall: This was a great introduction to the main character, his job, and his world. It was fun to read and definitely whets the appetite for whatever is coming next. The dialogue feels natural, the descriptions are effective, and even though it’s around 4,000 words it never dragged or felt too long. I enjoyed it even though it isn’t the kind of thing I would normally read. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] loganraith Nailed it! {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] hammondjohns Favorite line: “Marshall smiled and sighed, turning the engine over with a throaty roar and whipping the Mustang onto the street” {Reactions} 💯 (2) 👍 (2) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] hammondjohns Favorite scene: I think the scene with Morgan and Marshall nicely encapsulates the kind of working relationship they have. {Reactions} 💯 (6) [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] hammondjohns Criticisms (Opportunities?) There’s a tendency to overexplain in places. It's worth doing a pass to cut any redundancy. For example: “Marshall Holloway tilted his head in the direction of the trio of pixies” - you could drop “of pixies” since they are the only trio in your story. “Marshall smiled and sighed, turning the engine over with a throaty roar and whipping the Mustang onto the street, cruising in the same direction as the pixies.” - you could cut everything after “street” since he’s going to pass the pixies in the very next para. - “ignoring the silent pleas to shut up from his friend” could be tightened to “ignoring his friend” with no loss of meaning. {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 💯 (4) [8/23/2026 7:29 PM] hammondjohns Question for Author: I think I’m confused about Mother - you spend a fair bit of time setting her up, and I think she’s different from Rihanna. Is the reader supposed to be unsure about who Mother is and what her significance is at this stage of the story? DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/23/2026 7:30 PM] josisofer @Lisa N Snowe , go ahead! [8/23/2026 7:30 PM] snowpuppie Overall - really enjoyed this read and getting to know Marshall. He felt part bad-ass supernatural detective, part cowboy, and part divorced dad to me. I could see him wearing cowboy boots and always sucking on a toothpick. {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (3) 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:30 PM] snowpuppie My favorite lines(s): His steps lurched and loped like a man who spent all night in the cups, chasing hops and barley with corn and rye. << Such a rich visual here, described by combining movement with taste/smell and the sentence cadence lopes along at the same rhythm, too. {Reactions} 💯 (7) 🔥 (4) ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:30 PM] snowpuppie Marshall glanced at the rearview mirror to a row of motorcycles parked in front of a squat, rectangular building with the neon letters buzzing above a door. << I know this bar. Everyone knows this bar. One action based sentence, doing a paragraph of descriptive work. {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 🔥 (6) [8/23/2026 7:31 PM] snowpuppie “Another one!” the smallest, her flax-colored hair styled in a pair of buns that gave her a mouse-eared appearance, squealed. “Can you believe that shit?” << I know who the three of them are now, from just this sentence. Lovely characterization. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) [8/23/2026 7:31 PM] snowpuppie Favorite scene: I was enamored by the pixie scene, I have to say. They were incredibly vivid, and the dialogue did so much to paint their character and Marshall's, too. It's really the first place we get a sense of who he is and how he thinks/interacts. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) [8/23/2026 7:31 PM] somedesertrat So 'Mother' for the Fae is a positional title (Mother, Maiden, Crone). For the wolves (Diego and Chase) it's Marshall being an asshole. {Reactions} 🔥 (8) ❤️ (4) 👍 (2) [8/23/2026 7:31 PM] snowpuppie Critique: You may be able to tighten the story with some editing of redundant descriptions/actions, like the phone call with Rihanna scene: There was more than one instance of sighing and receptive ear-action; the first time was truly unique and cool as a way to make me "feel" the overall tone of their conversation, but when a few other similar descriptions followed in that same exchange, it made the conversation feel a little repetitive for me. I think you may be able to rework a little of that scene and get the dialogue to do the work, and make it read cleaner for the reader. {Reactions} ❤️ (10) [8/23/2026 7:32 PM] snowpuppie Questions: 1) Why was Morgan scared of Marshall when he got to the office? Did she think it was someone else coming into the office parking lot late at night and that's why the "chill" went down her spine and she felt the need to hide? Hadn't Marshall just texted her to say he was going to be there shortly, so wouldn't the unmistakable sound of his car alert her to his identity? I was a bit confused here. {Reactions} 👍 (4) [8/23/2026 7:32 PM] snowpuppie Done! [8/23/2026 7:32 PM] josisofer @Logan Raith , you're up [8/23/2026 7:34 PM] loganraith Be warned: I’m on my phone. No copy/pasted notes. Overall first. I really liked the tone, subject matter, descriptive language. Great stuff. Unlike others, I don’t think this is too long. For a serial chapter on Substack, yeah. I try to stay under 2k. But for a novel chapter, just right. {Reactions} ❤️ (8) 🔥 (7) 💯 (2) ☝️ (2) 🍄 💪 [8/23/2026 7:35 PM] loganraith Fave line: every instance of him cursing at the pixies {Reactions} 🔥 (7) 🤣 (2) [8/23/2026 7:35 PM] .revanarchy 👋 (You skipped Kris who had her hand up for me) [8/23/2026 7:35 PM] somedesertrat So, short answer on that- Morgan has PTSD from events in her backstory (gets revealed what it was in a later chapter), the chill and flight response is part of that. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/otuzves-ucbes {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/otuzves-ucbes Otuzves Ucbes https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/cNo0NR5ZlcPhi9A8EUuE2CcxjRX3wgKsUk38Q7VgzMc/https/static.klipy.com/ii/8ce8357c78ea940b9c2015daf05ce1a5/93/ec/GOySgrrs.webp {Reactions} 🔥 (7) ❤️ (4) 🎉 (6) 🥂 (5) 🎊 (3) [8/23/2026 7:35 PM] starcryst peeps online [8/23/2026 7:35 PM] loganraith Fave sequence: the pixie scene. It was so much fun to read. Great job painting those little bastards as… little batards. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) 🧚 (6) 🧚‍♂️ (4) 🧚‍♀️ (3) 😈 (3) [8/23/2026 7:36 PM] josisofer That's a new record Write Club, give yourselves a round of applause! {Reactions} 👏 (7) 🙌 (7) 🫂 💯 [8/23/2026 7:36 PM] somedesertrat -# I haven't been in a room with this many strapping young people since college. I feel like the belle of the ball {Reactions} ❤️‍🔥 (2) 🤣 (3) ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer I always forget someone {Reactions} 🥴 (3) [8/23/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst They came her FOR you and IN SPITE of Josi... {Reactions} 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer But a real man speaks for himself {Reactions} 🤣 (4) 😭 (2) 💯 (2) [8/23/2026 7:37 PM] loganraith Feedback: I share other’s confusion about Morgan and Rihanna. While I don’t agree with the sheep that Marshall’s too cool—he’s a dhampir… that’s what Blade is!—I did sense the lack of conflict. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (3) 🤣 [8/23/2026 7:37 PM] snowpuppie You're my new BFF, you called me young XD {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:38 PM] fictionshroom THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO SAY {Reactions} ❤️ (3) Lmao [8/23/2026 7:38 PM] loganraith DONE [8/23/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer @Kris Buckel , go [8/23/2026 7:39 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/frog-36-Quw {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/frog-36-Quw Frog 36 on a Spinning Record Player https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/AeIVgX_RY7VLceepqMi9j19AJZwi3-N4U0UBGfHbEfo/https/static.klipy.com/ii/35ccce3d852f7995dd2da910f2abd795/0b/3a/rcMEIf7x.webp {Reactions} 🍻 (6) ❤️ (2) Fire2 [8/23/2026 7:39 PM] .revanarchy The cops frown on me texting and driving? Anyway Im here so... [8/23/2026 7:39 PM] .revanarchy Sweet! It's my home genre so I know something, maybe. I love the vibe. I love the idea of a dhampir PI. I like the idea of exporting urban fantasy to Arizona. I like the way you communicate a lot about Marshall by how people react to him: the local cops nodding appreciatively, the teens outside the convenience store tensing up, the pixies thinking they can play him. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 [8/23/2026 7:39 PM] .revanarchy {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890549066399884/1541230408291721337/images_83.jpg?ex=6ab9006c&is=6ab7aeec&hm=32d9d46f7b3ddcb579ea2064ab58191b0bd410079e9f4904e1445b44b0bccdb0& {Reactions} ❤️ (7) 🔥 (6) ❤️‍🔥 (3) 😍 (2) 👆 (2) this (2) [8/23/2026 7:39 PM] .revanarchy Definitely had this vibe and image for most of the reading. [8/23/2026 7:40 PM] .revanarchy I had a few problems with it, though. The POV skips a little. Every time there's a scene change, it takes a little bit to get back into 3rd person close. Especially when we switch to Morgan closing up the office for the night, but I felt it at every scene change. Arizona has such rich potential for urban fantasy: chupacabras, desert spirits, Native American traditions blending into 21st century Americana. And at least in the initial offering we get European fae, werewolves, and vampires, same as I might see in Butcher's Chicago. I'm not saying you can't use the staples, you should, but give me some bit of uniquely Arizona weird early on. Marshall is a dhampir? I was promised a dhampir. Instead I got that lead character from Justified in a southwest urban fantasy and I don't really have any clue who or what he is other than he passes for human and maybe has exceptional hearing. {Reactions} 💯 (6) ❤️ (2) [8/23/2026 7:40 PM] .revanarchy Again, I am in love with the vibe and the idea, but I think it needs some tweaking for POV, adding some unique Arizona vibes, and giving us a little more info about Marshall. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:40 PM] .revanarchy Done [8/23/2026 7:40 PM] somedesertrat I know of Raylen Givens, but any similarities are purely coincidental 😄 {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/23/2026 7:41 PM] josisofer @Eris Index , the winnest Emoti Author of July, the floor is yours Queen 👑 [8/23/2026 7:41 PM] xenonsteem {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890549066399884/1541230904796520558/image0.gif?ex=6ab900e2&is=6ab7af62&hm=90e9aec4f10cc99cf1cfe18a0d04c6d715b289b8a6eefcc823379c124312837e& {Reactions} 🤣 (2) ❤️‍🔥 [8/23/2026 7:41 PM] erisindex Okay, first off.. let me say, I had to do some digging because after everyone's feedback. . . I realized somewhere along the way I fucked up. There's a button... that says "thanks for reading, bla bla" right after the scene where he rides off into the sunset. [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] erisindex And, my feedback is only for I guess half the article. I thought that was the end. {Reactions} 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] fictionshroom Those substack auto buttons trick me all the time {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] josisofer You can place them yourself [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] somedesertrat And apparently they snuck up on me, too {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] snowpuppie Yup same happened to me, and I happened to mistakenly scroll and saw more and was like .. Oh! XD {Reactions} 🤣 [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] erisindex Fav lines: “You three are a long way from the Conclave.” Marshall kept his voice flat. –He sounds like a badass. Love this line. It gives me a good picture of him and his character. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:42 PM] fictionshroom I do. I mean on other people's articles. I think it's the end. {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/23/2026 7:43 PM] erisindex The trio of pixies hopped off the bench and started east, their little feet pattering along the concrete sidewalk as they skipped along. –There’s a ton of really good lines in this piece. The narrator is hilarious here, especially after everything that just happened. Those little shits just skipping down the sidewalk… 🤣 {Reactions} 🤣 (6) 💯 [8/23/2026 7:43 PM] josisofer Agreed, their boiler play Happy Click auto-buttons do make it seem like the end of the article/chapter etc {Reactions} 💯 (4) [8/23/2026 7:43 PM] erisindex As Marshall slowed to a crawl passing the trio, he hung an arm out the window and, with a casual ease, extended his middle finger before stomping on the gas. –I am really digging this guy. The character work throughout the piece, five stars. But this last one? Hell yes, man. Give those little tiny terrors the finger. Probably my favorite line, lol. {Reactions} 🔥 (8) 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:43 PM] erisindex “I don’t want to do this, but I will. I keep it loaded with iron for little turd-blossoms like you.” –and this one for good measure. {Reactions} 💯 (7) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:44 PM] erisindex Fav scenes: My first is when the drunk guy is talking to Marshall. You do characters like a seasoned writer. (Sorry to keep repeating the character bit, but they are AWESOME.) The dialogue, the descriptions... And the poor guy was just trying to help some kids, drunk or not. My second is the very end, when he gives them the finger and hits the gas as he’s passing them. {Reactions} 🔥 (7) [8/23/2026 7:44 PM] erisindex Criticism: I would have liked a little more information about them, Marshall, and what is actually going on. Some lore or extra world-building. Other than that, I don’t have anything. {Reactions} ❤️ (7) [8/23/2026 7:44 PM] erisindex Overall: I really enjoyed this one. Def my cup of tea. I loved your characters, like... a lot. That’s what led to my criticism that I wanted more information about what he is doing there. And the writing was grade A premium. Question: Answer my question. What’s he doing there? Give me some insider info. DONE. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/23/2026 7:44 PM] erisindex I would also suggest changing the placement of your button {Reactions} 💯 (6) [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] josisofer Okay, is there anyone else who wants to go? [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] jaecole_02896 👋 [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] fictionshroom I turn off the auto button and just stick a single subscribe at the bottom one without the attached commentary {Reactions} 👍 [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] josisofer @Jae Cole , welcome! The floor is yours [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] starcryst This is definitely the most popular Write Club of all time. 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] somedesertrat So, you know how I dropped a Desert Moon Facts Note and one of them was 'Never make a bargain with Fae?' Marshall made a bargain with a Fae about 20 years ago {Reactions} 😯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:45 PM] jaecole_02896 Thanks! Here goes... {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] jaecole_02896 What I liked: The opening paragraph is perfect for this kind of story. Something unexpected - Pixies are known but not so well known as to be boring. You also set them up as antagonists–so a bit unexpected. The “annoying little shits” line is funny but also immediately establishes the main character–we know we are getting a Harry Dresden/John Constantine. {Reactions} 👍 (7) [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] jaecole_02896 Also loved the small details you chose - “Marshall bit back a choke at the man’s breath— a mix of cheap booze, cheaper beer and chicken wings. His nostrils burned at the heavy vinegar stench and, behind the pair of sunglasses, his eyes watered.” - I can smell this and referencing sunglasses pulls the scene in close and we’ve can all relate. Just enough to ground us without getting bogged down in too much detail. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 💯 (3) 👍 [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] fictionshroom I invited him. JS 😌 I'm a good scout. 💪 {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] briancfahey Have to depart.. @Carl Price thought the storyline was great, I had a lot of fun reading it. Thanks for writing. {Reactions} 👍 (6) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] somedesertrat Noted, will be amended [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] jaecole_02896 This even ties to the last line–”Stepping inside his personal office, Marshall pulled the sunglasses off and dropped onto a long leather sofa. The scent of aged whiskey and cigar smoke, soaked over decades into the mesquite and oak panels of his office, filled his nostrils. One thought, mixed in with a low, capering chatter in the back of his head echoed. “Fucking vampires.” {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 🤣 [8/23/2026 7:46 PM] jaecole_02896 Marshall has finally let his guard down, the sunglasses are a persona–his armour. Also with the last line we have the main plot established–even if vampires have been done to death, you’ve established a world with unique rules and a secret supernatural hierarchy that makes us wonder exactly what kind of vampires these might be. If you had started the story with “Fucking Vampires” I might have still read, but you would have struggled to keep me interested–like dragons, vampires are just too generic for me. But by the end of this chapter, they are new again. {Reactions} 👍 (7) 💯 (5) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:47 PM] jaecole_02896 Also love that he is a half blood–can’t wait to see how you explore his identity as the story develops! Loved the pixies–stick more with them! {Reactions} ❤️ (7) [8/23/2026 7:47 PM] jaecole_02896 What lost me: This guy sighs a lot. Maybe limit the sighs. Also, for me, the groaning and grunting. They are all establishing the same kind of thing–this is a hardass who can’t be bothered but even from the first paragraph we already know that. I’d cut this type of phrasing by half unless you are really pushing for comedy in which case I’d stick with a single {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ (3) 💯 (4) this (4) [8/23/2026 7:47 PM] jaecole_02896 gesture…almost like a catch phrase that winks at the reader (even then at a minimum). [8/23/2026 7:47 PM] jaecole_02896 I felt my interest waning at this specific line - “Convincing drunks that they’re helping kids and pointing them in the direction of an Arizona ass-whuppin’ can draw the wrong kind of attention—you know this, Ree.” - This is amazing dialogue but is a summary of what already happened and I think it just slows the pacing. I also think the phone call scene combined with everything else takes away his agency. He is reacting and seems a little too passive here. {Reactions} 🤔 (4) 👆 (3) [8/23/2026 7:48 PM] jaecole_02896 Overall: The world is grounded with some great lore established. The creatures are handled in a unique and fun way. The story itself reads well and reminds me a lot of the Dresden Files (which I really love)! I’d like to see the Marshall be more active–still a hardass but with an extra cup of coffee. As is, I’d read on–the premise is fun and so is Marshall with plenty of seeds to wonder about. {Reactions} ❤️ (11) [8/23/2026 7:48 PM] josisofer @Jae Cole are you done? [8/23/2026 7:48 PM] jaecole_02896 Yep, that's all! {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (3) 🎉 (3) 👏 (2) [8/23/2026 7:49 PM] josisofer Okay, say Done next time, please, but otherwise welcome to the club, power hitter! {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🤣 (2) 🔥 (5) this (2) [8/23/2026 7:49 PM] josisofer Is there anyone else that would like to go? [8/23/2026 7:49 PM] jaecole_02896 Got it! Done! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:49 PM] starcryst Yes. One hell of a debut there @Jae Cole thanks for joining us. {Reactions} 💯 (6) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:49 PM] josisofer Okay, seeing no more hands, I'm up [8/23/2026 7:50 PM] lammbbb big finish big finish {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:50 PM] josisofer Favorite Scene: Opening scene with the pixie trio. {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:50 PM] josisofer That's borderline pervy, dial it back {Reactions} 🔘 (3) 😂 (5) 🙅‍♂️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:50 PM] josisofer You invoked Jim Butcher in the desert vibes, and I’m here for it man. Especially with the ‘69 Stang, since my first car was a ‘66 with four on the floor pushing the inline 6. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 😲 (2) [8/23/2026 7:50 PM] josisofer I’m a Paranormal Romance author, and Urban Fantasy is the other side of that coin, so I love how you’re doing this work incorporating the supernatural into our world. {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/23/2026 7:51 PM] josisofer Favorite Lines: Marshall straightened his back and sighed, his shoulders dropping. Fixated on a single thought, pixies were his least favorite to deal with. The little pecks ranked right down there with most other fae. Bloodsuckers ranked above them in the ‘pain-in-the-ass Olympics’ and werewolves well at the top. At least with leeches and dogs, one could potentially break their train of thought. {Reactions} 🔥 (7) ❤️ (5) [8/23/2026 7:51 PM] josisofer “We’re doing it like this then.” Marshall shook his head, drawing the revolver— a snub-nosed Taurus Judge— he stowed in his jacket pocket. Leveling it at the trio, he smirked and nudged the sunglasses down, staring over the frame with golden-irised eyes. {Reactions} ❤️ (8) [8/23/2026 7:51 PM] josisofer To riff off of @Lunetois Mary Sue comment, but in a positive way, this line let's us know he’s not quite like other boys by the details here. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:52 PM] josisofer Criticism: This is because we essentially write the same genre. [8/23/2026 7:52 PM] josisofer I’m going to agree with @Logan Raith about the lack of Dhampir action. They’re different in most series, so have him fang out, blood lust, threaten to eat Mouse-Bun, something. {Reactions} 😱 (4) 96890cateat (4) 🫣 (2) [8/23/2026 7:54 PM] josisofer I’m going to side with @Lunetois and @Logan Raith on the lack of struggle, but not for the same reason. It’s okay we don’t see any faults in Marshall, yet. But, in the first chapter, we should have an idea of what problem isn’t within his capacity to handle when the story begins? If you choose to edit lightly, this would help drag us deeper into the story {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:54 PM] josisofer Which boils down to one question: How does he need to grow in the story? {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/23/2026 7:54 PM] josisofer Also, as I learned, keeping it between 1000 – 1500 words does best on Substack, or that’s been my experience. I want people to disagree outloud if theirs has been different. I’ll admit I took a deep, apprehensive breath I started, but that melted away as I read the story, that’s rare for me. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/23/2026 7:55 PM] xenonsteem Now who's pervy? {Reactions} 🤣 [8/23/2026 7:55 PM] josisofer In response to something you said, “Marshall made a bargain with a Fae about 20 years ago” You could have made a one-line reference during the conversation with Rhianna about a bargain and we would have absolutely all the questions about it. {Reactions} 💯 (4) 👍 (3) [8/23/2026 7:55 PM] josisofer I have straight up told almost everyone I'm a supreme perv {Reactions} 💙 (4) 😏 (2) 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 7:55 PM] josisofer Positive Critique: Your control of scene pacing and urban fantasy dialog is immaculate. Your characterizations are strong and your characters have voice, except for the trio which is perfect for them. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) 👍 [8/23/2026 7:56 PM] josisofer I visited several Arizona podunks in the early 00’s as a teenager and you gave off the feel of one perfectly. It felt like a bigger one given that there was a Denny’s, I'm ready to visit it... during daylight hours {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (2) ❤️‍🔥 [8/23/2026 7:56 PM] josisofer Question: Are you planning to query this to a literary agent? {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/23/2026 7:56 PM] somedesertrat Hummingbird Festival is coming up, plus Oktoberfest {Reactions} ❤️ (5) [8/23/2026 7:57 PM] fictionshroom The scariest place I've ever been is old mines and shanties in the AZ desert. I was like 4. And it was dove hunting with my dad and his buddies {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🫂 [8/23/2026 7:57 PM] erisindex I'm not sure I'm structured in the craft enough to cut my articles in half. They are usually roughly between 2k and 3k. Still works if you can entertain. It'll just improve your craft if you can successfully keep readers at a larger quantity. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:58 PM] rubygs I usually keep my chapters 2k or shorter {Reactions} 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 7:58 PM] fictionshroom I think a stand a lone gets away with being longer. But serial chapters need to be short {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 💯 (5) [8/23/2026 7:58 PM] fictionshroom That's been my experience anyway [8/23/2026 7:58 PM] josisofer I agree [8/23/2026 7:58 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 I'm the queen of micro chapters {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:59 PM] somedesertrat Potentially. Right now, it's too lean for my liking plotwise and there's still some structuring that I have to do to align things in a mnore cohesive manner. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:59 PM] josisofer You are {Reactions} ❤️ [8/23/2026 7:59 PM] loganraith I think for standalone shorts 3-4k is fine. For me, it’s the serials that need to be short. That doesn’t apparently apply to chapters of LitRPG. They’re some of my most viewed chapters and they’re long. {Reactions} 💯 (2) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 7:59 PM] josisofer Once that potentially moves to yes, you'll have the correct answer. {Reactions} ❤️‍🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:59 PM] somedesertrat Been to more than a few out here. I live about 10 miles from "The Bloodiest Cabin in Arizona" {Reactions} 😲 (3) 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 7:59 PM] josisofer This should be on a bookshelf in stores {Reactions} 👍 (3) 💯 (3) [8/23/2026 8:00 PM] erisindex Not to disagree, but essentially if it's good... I'm reading it regardless of length and would much prefer not to hop around in one sitting. {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/23/2026 8:00 PM] somedesertrat Fuckin' hell! Thanks!!!! {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 8:00 PM] josisofer Now, @Carl Price , do you have any responses, fist shakes, curses to utter to the group in response to critical feedback you've received? {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ [8/23/2026 8:01 PM] loganraith I left Phoenix area about a year ago. I was getting the AZ vibes from your story for sure [8/23/2026 8:01 PM] fictionshroom I was a little kid when I lived there and I could still feel it [8/23/2026 8:01 PM] somedesertrat Yup. Raw dogging with the type out, so bear with me {Reactions} 🤣 (3) foxLove Glare [8/23/2026 8:01 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 I agree with you, @Carl Price. I think a 30,000 foot read/edit may be just the ticket. [8/23/2026 8:02 PM] erisindex It's after 8 and we're still chatting on @Carl Price channel! Way to go man. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 👍 laughing (2) [8/23/2026 8:03 PM] somedesertrat Firstly- THANK ALL OF YOU for this feedback. You've not only inflated my ego, but you've also brought some things to my attention that I need to tighten my shotgroup on. All the feedback is getting copied over for me to parse through later. {Reactions} ❤️ (9) [8/23/2026 8:03 PM] josisofer If anyone needs such an edit, @Kris Buckel has a MFA and is qualfied to do so {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 👍 [8/23/2026 8:03 PM] josisofer Good pro tip, which I also did for the first time I sat in the hot seat here [8/23/2026 8:03 PM] somedesertrat Secondly- each an every one of you is a fuckin specimen of fine writers and the compliments and props, as well as the kicks in the metaphorical balls were taken as is {Reactions} ❤️ (8) 🔥 (9) 🤣 (7) ⚽ [8/23/2026 8:05 PM] somedesertrat Thirdly.... I made mention last week that I would drop a big spoiler and here it is: Desert Moon is an Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance. Marshall has already had the Meet Cute with his OTL {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (3) 💗 (2) 🤯 [8/23/2026 8:05 PM] somedesertrat done [8/23/2026 8:05 PM] vaelinshadowbloom (If I wasn't balls deep in dayquil, I would have gone, @Carl Price -will comment later) {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/23/2026 8:05 PM] starcryst Its one of the pixies, right? {Reactions} 🤣 (6) [8/23/2026 8:05 PM] josisofer Please don't tell us what you and @Joshua Bader get up to {Reactions} 💯 (5) [8/23/2026 8:05 PM] xenonsteem Wait... Is this a kissing book? {Reactions} 🔥 (3) 🤣 (5) 😭 (2) 🏆 [8/23/2026 8:06 PM] fictionshroom Ugh GRANDPA {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 💙 (3) 🤣 (4) [8/23/2026 8:06 PM] josisofer a Paranormal Romance is more often than not these days a fucking book, so strap in {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 8:06 PM] somedesertrat Nope. It happens to be a shorter woman who walked in with a waterfall plait of hair wearing a pencil skirt {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (3) [8/23/2026 8:06 PM] somedesertrat It's a degenerate hand-holding series in the making. {Reactions} 🤣 (6) [8/23/2026 8:06 PM] xenonsteem {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890549066399884/1541237307116495019/image0.gif?ex=6ab906d8&is=6ab7b558&hm=9a292dcc957ac98d22fe0b63a08a7c55dcb86496e517e7b5c0e781dc9b63853b& {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/23/2026 8:07 PM] erisindex Let's go MARSHALL woot woot {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/23/2026 8:07 PM] josisofer Okay, I think we call wrap this longest ever episode of Write Club and head on over to #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for drinks and random debauchery and whoring our stories out like the skanks we want them to be {Reactions} 🔥 (5) 🤣 (5) [8/23/2026 8:08 PM] somedesertrat shit yeah {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 8:08 PM] xenonsteem Nah. I gotta go clutch my pearls {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/23/2026 8:08 PM] somedesertrat It's because of the hand holding, isn't it? {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/23/2026 8:09 PM] xenonsteem {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890549066399884/1541237887066968164/image0.gif?ex=6ab90763&is=6ab7b5e3&hm=fbcb58622747bca9d608e0d47b1fc0a16b99d382a2cdae66f231d2687a5db79b& {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/24/2026 2:04 AM] shikanokoshitantan I’m not sure if my feedback is helpful, I feel like I’ll be adding to what everyone has already said. Instead, I left a comment on your recently baked dessert on Subbie ⭐️ {Reactions} 👍 ❤️ [8/24/2026 3:00 PM] vesperlrayne_04128 sorry i'm late - here is my feedback --- I really enjoyed the pixies and the whole scam they were running. The image of these little feral creatures pretending to be helpless children so they could convince drunk men to go get beaten up in a biker bar was funny and specific, and it gave me a very clear sense of the kind of supernatural world we were in. Marshall’s personality also came through quickly in the way he handled them. I especially liked the reveal that Mother had actually sent him to find them, and then the three of them deciding to go to Denny’s. Where it started to lose me a little was after the pixies left. Marshall giving them the middle finger as he drove away felt like such a natural ending to that scene that I almost wanted the chapter to stop there. After that, we meet the teenagers, hear about Big Mama and Katherine, speak to Rihanna, meet Morgan and Zena, and then learn about Vincenzo. It was a lot of new names and supernatural connections in a short space, and I found myself trying to keep track of the setup instead of staying with Marshall and the story. One smaller thing I noticed was how often Marshall sighs or groans. I understood very early that he is tired, exasperated, and accustomed to managing supernatural nonsense, so I don’t think you need all of those repeated reactions. His dialogue already shows that part of him really well. For me, the pixie section was the strongest part because it felt so particular to this world. I would have happily spent more time with that conflict and let some of the larger cast and worldbuilding arrive more gradually. Also, I have enjoyed reading your work a great deal... keep going! {Reactions} 👍 (2) ============================================================== Exported 281 message(s) ==============================================================