============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-24-26-aiden-marquis ============================================================== [8/23/2026 10:15 AM] starcryst @Aiden Marquis story link here please! Let's go baby! [8/23/2026 10:17 AM] aiden_marquis https://aidenmarquis.substack.com/p/shackled-destiny-chapter-1 :happygem: {Embed} https://aidenmarquis.substack.com/p/shackled-destiny-chapter-1 Shackled Destiny: Chapter 1 A Walk in the Woods https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/Ut94CkaRFwOo4MTiYnXxncIuOH657uD6QUhANe3M4MM/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21tA5s%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Faidenmarquis.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F181022789%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4 [8/24/2026 8:49 AM] ladylazarus2235 Parking my little eldritch butt here so I can commit to reading and being here tonight. Today’s the day I jump in! Thank you for sharing @Aiden Marquis {Reactions} cozywave [8/24/2026 10:02 AM] kotaotan I GOTTA be here for this one! {Reactions} happygem [8/24/2026 4:14 PM] von_a_o Well, not sure if I will be here. The time is amazingly bad for me. [8/24/2026 6:07 PM] starcryst @everyone see you at 7pm EST for @Aiden Marquis's Write Club. If you want to help get the word out, do the clicky / restacky thing below. https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-321878835 {Embed} https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-321878835 David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge) Tonight at Write Club we have a special treat, @Aiden Marquis | Fantasy Writer author of Shackled Destiny gets a turn in the hot seat (or lukewarm seat if he wishes). Read his chosen selection below and join us a 7pm EST at http://WriteClub.Chat to discuss the story and provide constructive feedback! https://aidenmarquis.substack.com/p/shackled... https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/G7dm5k5zw-tac1gJ74qy_Y-wMDW-McuA_1j0VIHgMdc/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21pORx%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F79053d0e-4660-410b-a308-51d19d8cccff_1491x1055.png {Reactions} success (3) 👌 (3) 🦑 (2) [8/24/2026 6:59 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74 My Hero Academia: Present Mic's Loud Quirk https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/th7VbMjxhdpOIFmvM-RBKhlisNyyZjbPHLsXrCxTtZI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e293a233a303a98e471f78d04e13a1b0/fa/6e/SXEVPl8o.webp {Reactions} 👀 ❤️ memes_dog_dance (2) foxParty [8/24/2026 6:59 PM] starcryst It's time for WRITE CLUB!!! {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/24/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst We have 36 active on the server -- 37 is the record -- will we beat it?? {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst If you are new here to Write Club, then check out our chat format: {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536890627961126972/1541583094220455936/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f762&is=6ab7a5e2&hm=ea84eed4c6a2ce47e0169e63cc2c0f8e46b0732c5bb587a725cd0a23e0cbda5b& {Reactions} 🔥 (6) [8/24/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst 38 BABY {Reactions} 🔥 (4) foxParty (3) 🎉 (5) rocket (2) hype (3) [8/24/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst @Aiden Marquis is our author tonight - what level of critique do you wish? Level 1 or Level 20? [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst I saw a 40 for a second! [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] aiden_marquis Whatever y'all wanna ask, I'm game. {Reactions} dicebipride (2) [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst You heard the man, roll them Critical Hits! [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] lammbbb 🤚 [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] fictionshroom 👋 [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst Okay everyone who wants to share feedback tonight, wave your yellow latex dishwashing glove in the air please [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] rubygs 👋 [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] snowpuppie 👋 [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] hellerbard_36669 Crazy week at work, so haven't been able to get to Write Club, but will try to drop some feedback after work. Write on, peeps 🙂 {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] briancfahey 👋 [8/24/2026 7:02 PM] kotaotan 👋 [8/24/2026 7:03 PM] _randym 👋 [8/24/2026 7:03 PM] markdp 👋 [8/24/2026 7:03 PM] erisindex 👋 [8/24/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst And because we have so many people here -- I'd ask that everyone move as quickly through your feedback as you can - don't RUSH, but do move with intent. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:03 PM] re1nger 👋 [8/24/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst As always, when you are finished, please say DONE {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) fire (2) [8/24/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst @Lunetois 17th level druid sheepshifter, GO! {Reactions} 🤣 [8/24/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb Good evening {Reactions} cozywave [8/24/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb > From the looks of it, the little bastard probably couldn’t shoot one of his chickens - still in the cage. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ [8/24/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb My favorite line is from the end of Riven's section of the story-- which is kind of annoying because part of my critique is about its very presence. But for now, I want to praise it and the voice for his focus anyway. I strive to make sections like this in my own work, 3rd Person Omni with focus on funny characters so that I get to weave some gags into the prose. You've done it well here, and I like it. Also, in general the descriptions are good. Every now and then I read a sentence that leaves me feeling like it wants an extra word or two; or like a phrase is just technically perfect but slightly red when it could be purple. Of course, there's probably a lot of other people who like that better and think it is good word economy-- but my personal preference with fantasy is that it be quite prosaic. The hook is good, the premise is fine enough; you needn't linger long on it and anybody could understand it. Classic sword-and-sorcery start. Perfect establishment having a character be part orc without explaining it too long; we know there's other races and we don't need anything else. There are no major structural flaws, lore-wise or setting-wise in this opening chapter. It's functional and economic. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/24/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb Of course, then, I gotta say for as much as I like Riven I do end up wondering what he is doing here. I was waiting for him to interrupt this scene at any moment but he never did. Obviously I can tell right away there is not a heroic bone in his body (yet) at least as he has been established so far-- but his sequence with the cart delays the premise and is so short that I feel it would be better as the beginning of the next chapter. Let us see from his perspective what fate befalls the prince or let us have his perfectly innocent grand theft carto get interrupted by this horrible palace intrigue; so we can see him get pulled into this story with his heels cutting ruts in the dirt beneath him. As things are, his humorous morning only stands to delay the violent hook that kicks everything off; meaning readers are waiting longer through the hunting scene to get to the conflict. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 💯 (2) 🔥 👍 [8/24/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb My usual question: Is this finished? How long? Aiming for self-pub, paperback, etc? {Reactions} 👍 (3) [8/24/2026 7:05 PM] lammbbb That's all. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst @✨🍄Fiction Shroom🍄✨ 9th level Alchemist and master Herbalist, GO! {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom Fav line: As he relished the final bite of his meal, he gathered up the scraps and tossed them back, offering them to the hankering birds. The fortunate ones ravenously devoured the leftovers within reach before they fell - along with other droppings - to their neighbors below. Bones rattled and feathers swirled with every ditch and divot. It was within this cacophonous shit-slinging maelstrom that Riven Fairgarden made his way south. >> Excellent little tone shift and it gets us ready for this character. {Reactions} 💯 (6) 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) 🎉 [8/24/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom Fav scene: I liked the moment when Murdoch is waiting for Sydney to kill the prince, and the moment he decides not to and the battling that comes after. I didn't know which kind of story this was going to be so I was expecting it to go either way, he kills the prince and they blame him, or he could attack and let him go and get in danger that way. Also the end of the chapter where they blame him anyway by saying he kidnapped the prince. So my instinct that they would have used him as scapegoat for the assassination was correct. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:06 PM] fictionshroom Critique: this is a nitpick, I hate the word “enthused” as it is. It's a type of slang that I find grating. And it threw me out even more than normal in this type of setting as a weird modernism. [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] fictionshroom Overall. Nice intro to a fantasy adventure good pacing and prose and setting the scene with imagery. Engaging and well written. [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] fictionshroom DONE [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] starcryst @steffie 12th level Merfolk Jewelcrafter - GO! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] rubygs Favorite Line(s): “Right into Murdoch’s side.”- Just in time. I was starting to worry. “A chicken bone landed in the petunias.”-beautiful foreshadowing and a shift away from the cinematic description of the opening. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 👆 (2) [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] aiden_marquis Book 1 is close to finished. I am maybe 20-25 chapters ahead of Substack pace. I will be serializing the series first. Then the plan loosely is to ask the people who loved it if they wouldn't mind perhaps buying cheap and leaving a verified review. I am thinking perhaps 3 books long. Thank you for your feedback. :happygem: Oh, and as for Riven's presence in ch. 1? You'd have to check out ch. 2. 😉 {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) 🙌 (3) ☝️ (2) 👏 (2) [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] rubygs Favorite Scene: I loved the whole fight sequence. I could really see it all happening. “With the graceful poise of a dancer, Sydney spun aside, evading an overhead strike. As the man’s momentum carried him forward, Sydney deftly tripped him, sending him tumbling into the soft mulch. The other came at him, more disciplined than the first. Sydney met the strikes with a flurry of parries, anticipating his opponent’s moves. With each feint and riposte, he expressed himself as a painter does with a brush, his body moving with ethereal elegance.” Loved these descriptions! Critique: “Riven crouched between the bushes and waited for the contingent to pass.”- how did no one hear all those chickens though? “...as Sydney witnessed how he would remember his friend.”- is he already eulogizing his friend? That’s way too calm a reaction to my friend getting killed IMO “Sydney had attacked and wounded the captain. He had taken the prince.”-I’d cut these last two lines. Trust the readers to know that those things have just happened. The first scene and the second almost feel like separate chapters to me. Meeting the Riven person felt significant, but then he never came up again. I assume/hope he’ll show up more in chapter 2. Love this though and I want to read more! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (3) 💯 🙌 [8/24/2026 7:07 PM] rubygs DOne [8/24/2026 7:08 PM] starcryst @Lisa N Snowe 20th level Gnomish Druid / Rogue with a wolf companion: GO! {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/24/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie his was a eally enjoyable read! So well crafted, with lovely reversals, which echoed the betrayal of the Captain {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie Some of my favorite lines/buttons: 1) "Even with the realm of men inevitably encroaching, pristine environments still existed unmarred by the impact of boorish humans. A chicken bone landed in the petunias." {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (3) 💯 (2) 🙌 👆 [8/24/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie 2) The fortunate ones ravenously devoured the leftovers within reach before they fell - along with other droppings - to their neighbors below. Bones rattled and feathers swirled with every ditch and divot. It was within this cacophonous shit-slinging maelstrom that Riven Fairgarden made his way south. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:08 PM] snowpuppie 3) "Tightening the grip on his axe, resigned to what he must do, he gathered his strength and delivered the blow. Right into Murdoch’s side." {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ 💖 💜 [8/24/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie And this lines was as graceful as the movement it depicted: "With each feint and riposte, he expressed himself as a painter does with a brush, his body moving with ethereal elegance." {Reactions} 🔥 [8/24/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Scene: The opening with Riven, his card, and his chickens. There was so much wonderful description here, coming in layers that completed the image over time. {Reactions} 🥹 [8/24/2026 7:09 PM] aiden_marquis Hmm. Noted. :noted: Thank you for your feedback. 😊 {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie Critique: Not many, to be honest! Perhaps one small thing, since you asked we bring it on: a few of the descriptive passages were things I've read before, or sounded close. You have quite a lot of skill as a writer, and I think you can really show more of your literary prowess off in places with more unique phrasing. Nonetheless, I very much enjoyed the read! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:09 PM] fictionshroom It's really a preference so don't take it to heart. 🫶 {Reactions} 🔥 [8/24/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Question for the author: Inspiration for this specific story? [8/24/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie DONE [8/24/2026 7:10 PM] starcryst @BriancFahey 5th level Ranger with Snowy Tundra terrain expertise, GO! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:10 PM] briancfahey Had to cheat and listen to the audio…which was pretty outstanding. Voice of a true storyteller. Also gonna cheat on favorite lines, I’ve got favorite phrases: “Chicken bone in the petunias”, “Cacophonous shit slinging” , I never trust a guy in a “suede coat with ermine trim” and finally the “black scale vest” given to a character that was like a “demon at large”. GREAT STORY! Well written and def well read in audio. I’m a fan. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (3) 🎉 (2) ☝️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:10 PM] briancfahey Done….I’ll take the ranger as compliment DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 [8/24/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst @Kevin Prime Arch-Demon of the Plane of Rational Numbers: GO! {Reactions} 🤣 (4) 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:11 PM] .revanarchy 👋 [8/24/2026 7:12 PM] kotaotan YO! I've read this before! Favorite line: The talk about the communal nature of the cart and horse was excellent world building and character set up. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (3) 💯 (2) 🙌 (2) [8/24/2026 7:12 PM] kotaotan I felt that the fight scene was excellent. It was exciting, full of twists, and loved the twist with the beheading. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (4) 💯 (5) 🎉 (2) [8/24/2026 7:13 PM] aiden_marquis Re: how no one heard all those chickens Riven is quite a distance aways from the prince and the guard contingent. He is able to veer off the road and get even higher and further away from them while still being able to see them. 👀 Yes, once you read ch. 2, the opening to ch. 1 makes perfect sense. Good catch on Sydney eulogizing his friend. This is characterization into his personality, on purpose. Sydney has a lot going on... {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (3) 👏 (3) [8/24/2026 7:13 PM] kotaotan It's EXTREMELY well written, but I always have trouble following first person unlimited. That's me though. It takes me out of the story just a bit. AND DONE! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 👍 [8/24/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst @Randy M 15th Level Geomancer - GO! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🌾 [8/24/2026 7:13 PM] _randym The best parts are Sydney's decision making. He risks his life to fight against Murdock when there's reason to do so, but he's also not throwing it away when he can escape {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (4) 💖 (2) [8/24/2026 7:13 PM] _randym DONE [8/24/2026 7:14 PM] aiden_marquis Thank you. ❤️ I am very happy that that landed. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (3) [8/24/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst @MarkDP 100th level Editor: GO! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 🤣 (3) [8/24/2026 7:14 PM] markdp While I am definitely not Aiden’s target audience, I think Sydney making the choice to run after Aelfric rather than fight shows him to be a man of good character, putting duty above vengeance, in the killing of his favorite recruit. And he’s clearly well experienced, with the dispassionate killing of the guard. I hope he gets another shot at Murdoch somewhere along the way. That being said, Sydney didn’t seem to feel anything about Steffon’s death. Probably should let those feelings catch up with him after he catches up to the Aelfric and gets him to safety. One thing I think you need to work on is the cadence of your prose. It’s all very similar. Sentence length and paragraph length can all be varied to help with tension and emotion or mood. With shorter and more clipped sentences, the sword fight could have more urgency and emotion than Riven Fairgarden driving his wagon. Definitely something to watch for. Really good start to a story. It set up the world and the situation without a major infodump. That in itself can be quite an achievement. DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 🔥 (3) 💯 (3) YES [8/24/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst @Eris Index 8th level Frog Wrangler: Go! {Reactions} 🤣 (4) PogFrog [8/24/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex “A chicken bone landed in the petunias.” This got me. The first time I read this, I loved it, and reading it again today I enjoyed it even more. You give me this whole pretty, untouched forest full of birds and flowers and then… chicken bone. It completely wrecked the mood you JUST built in the bestest possible way. And then here comes Riven. {Reactions} 💯 (3) 🔥 (3) [8/24/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex “The wagon did not strictly belong to him. More importantly, neither did the horses.” This line “did not strictly belong to him” told me so much about this guy. Fantastic character line, all around. I also really enjoyed the flair this narrator adds to everything. And finding out he has a pretty loose definition of communal property right after just made it better. I don’t know if I like him or loathe him.. I’m leaning on like. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) [8/24/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex “Disoriented, Aelfric opened his eyes, uncertain whether he was still alive.” THIS. The readers know Sydney hit Murdoch, but Aelfric doesn't. He had his neck stretched over a stump waiting for an axe to come down. Of course his first thought afterward would basically be, did I die? I can imagine this so stinkin’ well. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex Fav scenes: Easily the axe scene. For a good bit I wasn’t sure if Syd was going to chop his noggin off or not. Then my imagination went wild with different scenarios. To chop, or not to chop? Pretty good sense of craft making the reader question what the decision will be. He picks the axe up, looks at Steffon, looks at the other men, looks at Ailfric.. (I’m going to butcher this name, I’m sorry) then raises it… BAM. Tries to chop Murdoch like a log. LOVED IT. My other fav was Riven hiding up on the hill with his stolen wagon while all of this royal fuckery is going down below him. My curiosity is on nine thousand wondering how this will all play into the story together. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:15 PM] erisindex Crit: The fight after Steffon stays behind had a little too much “pretty prose” in it… “graceful poise of a dancer,” “flurry of parries,” “as a painter does with a brush,” and another one. In my ignorant and humble opinion, everyone should write fight scenes like Andrzej Sapkowski. The uglier and more immediate the situation gets, the less I think the prose needs to make his fighting beautiful. {Reactions} 🔥 [8/24/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex Overall!!!! I LOVED THIS. The writing style is 100% my jam, and it kept me thoroughly entertained. The characters were really fun to imagine. Riven had me thinking I was getting into something funny and slightly ridiculous about a chicken-hauling druid with some maddening ideas about ownership, and then suddenly I'm watching a kid get bent over a stump during a coup. I freaking love a good coup. The tone change didn’t bother me a bit. You played this very well. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:16 PM] erisindex Question: I’m curious, were you ever tempted to have him chop the kid’s head off, or was Sydney always going to take the moral route? DONE. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/24/2026 7:16 PM] aiden_marquis Hmm. 🤔 If you mean the opening scene, it was deliberately overly purple just so the chicken bone can come in and establish the mood. As we go along into the story, the number of protagonists (4 and counting) allows me to lean into the way a given character thinks and feels as I write. So I think your concern gets addressed a bit there, as far as diversity. Thank you! :happygem: {Reactions} 🔥 [8/24/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst @re1nger 6th Level Ranger who can't spe1l to good. GO {Reactions} 🤣 (6) [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger Fav lines: [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger "Even with the realm of men inevitably encroaching, pristine environments still existed unmarred by the impact of boorish humans." >> it sounds so pure, poetic depiction of nature [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger "From the looks of it, the little bastard probably couldn’t shoot one of his chickens - still in the cage." >> haha I chuckled reading this {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (4) 💖 (2) 💯 (3) [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger "Someone diligent and honorable who inspired the men under him and held them accountable without reveling in whatever power he was given." >> that tells me a lot about Steffon and I already liked the character 🙁 {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) 💖 (3) 👆 [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger "When his opponent tried to retrieve his sword, he dispassionately ran him through, never quite taking his eyes off of Murdoch." >> that's so badass, pure focus on target {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger General Feedback: I liked the fighting scene, usually it's hard for me to follow those as there's just too much happening and sometimes hard to depict who does what, but here it was surprisingly easy to follow what Sydney's doing Ah, Steffon's death was a bit painful {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] re1nger DONE [8/24/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst @Joshua Bader Infinite Level Sith Lord: GO! {Reactions} 🔥 (4) 🤣 (3) 💯 [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] .revanarchy Infinite level? I can work with that {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] aiden_marquis *Shackled Destiny* is mostly inspired by different homebrew D&D (mostly it was Pathfinder version 1) campaigns I have played/DMed over the years, along with Lord of the Rings, Willow, Game of Thrones, and a few different video games that I have played over the years. Towards the end of book 1, *The Lies of Locke Lamora* is also an influence. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) 👍 (3) 👆 (2) ☝️ 💯 ❤️‍🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] .revanarchy Kris first [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] .revanarchy Write club - Fav line - A chicken bone landed in the petunias. - I laughed out loud on a work call. It was awkward. Fav scene - him missing the rabbit. Also made me lol. All this talk about royalty and whims and.. Can't make the shot. Critique - This was very well-written. A lot of good description, prose and characterization. I definitely enjoyed this piece. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) 💖 (3) ❤️ (3) 💯 (2) 😂 [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] .revanarchy Me [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst @Kris Buckel 19th level Monster Therapist: GO! {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/24/2026 7:18 PM] .revanarchy I am probably target audience for this piece... and you helped me discover a trope that is an auto turn off for me {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:19 PM] .revanarchy Its well written {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:19 PM] loganraith ✋ [8/24/2026 7:19 PM] .revanarchy Its publishable. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:19 PM] .revanarchy But WHY DA ORC GOTTA BE THE BAD GUY? {Reactions} 🥴 (3) 🤣 (6) [8/24/2026 7:19 PM] somedesertrat 👋 [8/24/2026 7:19 PM] .revanarchy I know so little about Murdoch other than his heritage and I got excited like sweet... bad ass orc hero {Reactions} ❤️ [8/24/2026 7:20 PM] .revanarchy And then... stereotype [8/24/2026 7:20 PM] .revanarchy So its a pass for me [8/24/2026 7:20 PM] .revanarchy Done [8/24/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst @Logan Raith this is far too easy - 30th level Wraith Lord covered in Gore: GO! {Reactions} 🤣 (3) 🔥 (3) ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:20 PM] aiden_marquis Thank you. I have been fortunate to have received feedback for the audio - both the human and the AI version - enough that I understand that it is a thing for some people to "read" on Substack while they are driving etc. I would definitely agree that looking into shoring up that aspect is a good idea for us fiction writers. Thank you for the feedback. ❤️ {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (4) 💗 (3) [8/24/2026 7:21 PM] loganraith Sorry! [8/24/2026 7:21 PM] loganraith The descriptive language is good. There’s a strong sense of place. We’ve all been there in video games and watched it on TV and in films. The fantasy forest. Common and trophy, but tropes exist for a reason. We like to go back to places we have enjoyed and re-experience conventions that have moved us. Feels like home to a Skyrim player or a Fellowship of the Ring watcher. The dialogue, as well, feels natural and like it belongs in that world I referenced. The young prince flanked by guards, getting a sanitized and safe (or so he thinks) look at the outside world. Riven is an interesting bloke and I like him. He’s the rogue with a heart of gold (my guess) who will end up being more selfless than we think he is. I could be wrong, but that’s my read.. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:22 PM] loganraith Other shoe time. Listen, this is well-written, and by someone who seems to have a good grasp on the genre, but the thing that’s nagging at me might be a byproduct of your knowledge of fantasy literature. It’s that I feel like I’ve heard this story a hundred times. It hasn’t—in this chapter—distinguished itself enough. There’s nothing dragging me to the next chapter because I feel like I already know the story. In this genre especially—and this is probably just me—I need to find something unique (or something old done in a unique way) to get me to turn that page. A noble but underpowered hero choosing to protect a royal heir in peril, even the “on-the-run” angle, is well-trodden ground. I don’t have any concrete advice knowing you’re already so far along with the story. Especially if it’s just me with this critique. No need to adjust to make one guy happy! But if I were to keep reading, I would need something hitting me out of left field pretty fast to keep me turning those pages. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) [8/24/2026 7:22 PM] aiden_marquis Thanks for the feedback, buddy. :happygem: I would say that the transitions from one POV to another are probably the thing I have focused on the most when writing this story, as I understand that third person omni can be a challenge to some modern readers. It is so cinematic that I thoroughly love that style for this story (especially the fight scenes) but I appreciate hearing about the challenges, as well, as that really keeps me on my toes to make sure that what I am imagining in my mind is clearly enough being conveyed to the reader. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 💖 (2) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:23 PM] loganraith DONE [8/24/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst @Carl Price 13th Level Merchant: GO! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:23 PM] somedesertrat Sweet! General Feedback: Hoo boy, does this take me back. Okay, so overall I enjoyed reading this piece. There's a nice and semi-cinematic opening (establishing shot, medium shot, close-up) onto Riven that leads us to believe this chicken-chasing wagon-thief (okay, it's communal property, but still) will be the focus of the chapter before we really get into the meat of it. Some might say they were bamboozled, but I would say that this was not a bamboozle, unless we never see Riven again. This is a good use of Chekhov's Druid--there's anticipation pre-established that Riven will play a role in future chapters. The action sequence was well-written and actions flowed in a clear and logical manner It was easy to keep track of who was doing what, when. {Reactions} 🔥 (6) ❤️ (6) 🎉 (4) 💯 (3) [8/24/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst Did I miss anyone? [8/24/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst I'm running out of D&D references... {Reactions} catwhaaa (2) [8/24/2026 7:23 PM] somedesertrat Fave Line: > A chicken bone landed in the petunias. This was a great way to break out of the 'Bambi, Prince of the Forest' opening that we started with. I had a soundtrack playing in my head where the soft orchestral music just died out the moment that I hit that line. {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (4) 🎉 (3) [8/24/2026 7:24 PM] somedesertrat Constructive Criticism: Even though I appreciated the evocative exposition and how it laid out the scene, there were times where it felt like 'details for details sake': we know the stump is weathered, but why do we need to know that tales of seasons past were etched in its rings? As it seems like (Lieutenant) Sydney is the main focus of the scene, I think it might benefit the reader to identify with him more if we had an idea of how he felt about the prince beyond "It is my esteemed duty..."- he's a soldier, but he's also an individual (we're allowed to have our own thoughts about the leadership, but we had better outwardly respect the rank, regardless of the feelings). I assess that this would also help 'sell' Sydney's attack on his 'superior officer' Captain Murdoch--showing his fealty to the Prince he swore to protect vs. loyalty to his brothers-in-arms. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (3) 💯 (2) [8/24/2026 7:24 PM] aiden_marquis I really appreciate this take as, going into this chapter, that is the part that I was hoping would hit the hardest with the reader. Thank you for the feedback, @Randy M , and for reading so deep into the story. Your comments and feedback have been invaluable. 🥹 {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 👍 [8/24/2026 7:24 PM] somedesertrat Question: Character classes/alignments/levels? {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:24 PM] somedesertrat DONE [8/24/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst Okay my turn - but while I go, if there are any 0 Level Lurkers out there who want to earn 1000 XPs and level up by providing feedback, raise that hand! {Reactions} 🤣 (5) dicearoacepride [8/24/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst Favorite line(s): Even with the realm of men inevitably encroaching, pristine environments still existed unmarred by the impact of boorish humans. A chicken bone landed in the petunias. <<< nice craft on the reversal. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) ❤️ (3) 💯 (3) ❤️‍🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst The chicken bone is a bone-afide winner of a line {Reactions} 🔥 (4) ❤️ (2) 👍 (2) ☝️ (3) 👏 🍗 (2) [8/24/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst The wagon did not strictly belong to him. More importantly, neither did the horses. He had relied on a fairly loose interpretation of “communal property” when he took his leave of the druid grove where he was no longer welcome. <<< Laughed at this. Okay, Chaotic Neutral? Immediately legible characterization. Nice! {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (3) 🙌 (3) ☝️ (2) [8/24/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst Such a great immediate signal of who this guy is. {Reactions} 💯 (3) YES (2) 💪 🎉 [8/24/2026 7:27 PM] aiden_marquis I agree with you that, of all my fight scenes, this one is probably the least well-done from a prose structure standpoint. At this point I was more interested in characterization and getting the plot rolling (for example, the elaborate description of Sydney's fighting is that way for a reason) but I may have sacrificed some details with the structure of the prose. It would be an area worth revisiting before potential publication. Sydney being cold about Steffon's death is intentional characterization, but it's noteworthy that it has come up a couple of times. Thank you! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst General feedback: I enjoyed the story. It is exactly the kind of Swords & Sorcery story I loved to read when I was younger. {Reactions} ❤️ (5) 🔥 (4) 💖 (2) [8/24/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst I am interested in the plot and in the characters from page one. {Reactions} 💯 ❤️ [8/24/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst Critique: The men had split up when they found a suitable location. <<< for what? I have to figure this out from later context, would be nice to have it stated here. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/24/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst There are a few lines like this where the subject is divorced from the line [8/24/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst I think its minor tweaks - but it pulled me out of the story a tiny bit. [8/24/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst AND -- I had the exact same Orc problem. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/24/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst You probably can't change it now, but having the guy who was being asked to prove his loyalty be an Orc so that we assume as readers, "of course the Orc is going to headchop here" and then he does the heroic thing would have been fun {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/24/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst Question: Sydney had attacked and wounded the captain. He had taken the prince. <<< is this what Sydney is hearing Murdoch yell to his men? n: [8/24/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst DONE [8/24/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst Any other LURKERs want to level up? [8/24/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst if not, @Aiden Marquis any last words for the room before we wrap up this dungeon crawl? [8/24/2026 7:32 PM] aiden_marquis I loved all of your feedback, by the way. ❤️ I did not think to chop the kid's head off. 😄 But I distinctly worried about putting enough doubt into the reader's mind that *it can actually happen* so the feedback I am getting about that part landing is very validating. I think that you would really enjoy this story. Check out ch. 2 at least and I think the introduction kind-of gets tied together. I agree about the prose in the fight scene, too. The rest of my fight scenes are not like that at all. But I appreciate everyone pointing this out because perhaps I can find a way to tweak that so I characterize Sydney but not at the expense of the first fight scene. Thank you! {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (2) 🙌 (2) [8/24/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst btw -- if you are lurking and you're a bit shy, feel free to come back and share feedback on your own time. I'm sure Aiden will appreciate it! {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🔥 (4) memes_dog_dance (2) [8/24/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst That's it for WRITE CLUB for tonight! Thank you all SO much for sharing your most precious resource, your TIME with our author and each other. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) thank_you (2) foxParty (3) 👍 (2) Fire2 (2) orangeheart (2) [8/24/2026 7:33 PM] starcryst Now -- join us in the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self promotion! Peace ya'll [8/24/2026 7:33 PM] ladylazarus2235 Augh! I have feedback lol. I will leave it shortly [8/24/2026 7:33 PM] aiden_marquis Thank you for your feedback. I am glad that Steffon's death was appreciated. It is what shows the reader that there are consequences in this world. I am also very happy that, overwhelmingly, it seems people are able to follow the fight pretty well despite all of that going on. [8/24/2026 7:34 PM] erisindex I will most certainly be adding this to my reading list on Substack. I had a blast with it. [8/24/2026 7:35 PM] aiden_marquis 🥹 [8/24/2026 7:35 PM] kotaotan This is one of those stories I call "Waldenbooks-Core". [8/24/2026 7:36 PM] aiden_marquis To be fair, I bend expectations with tropes like this throughout the story - but Murdoch is not one of them. He is the beast, strong, orc antagonist. ||But, for those interested in orcish protagonists that do not follow the typical expectations, towards the end of *Shackled Destiny* book 1, you may find what you are looking for. 😉 || [8/24/2026 7:37 PM] .revanarchy Sorry the orc thing is such a turn off for me. (Ive sent them to their deaths by the thousands Im sure as a DM. But I've tried to rehabilitate them in my latest game and my last novel.) [8/24/2026 7:40 PM] aiden_marquis Hey, no worries. In some ways, it is a story that goes back over well-loved tropes, in other ways it does things differently. I think the criticism is fair that ch. 1 puts it out there that this is a classic epic fantasy type of story, with perhaps some twists to it (mostly shown by the Riven piece). I understand that this may speak only to a certain audience, but that is the audience that seems like they really appreciate the story. So I am ok with that, for now. 🙂 Thanks for the feedback. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/24/2026 7:41 PM] aiden_marquis I think that your feedback totally nailed it. 🙂 I am glad that you enjoyed the chapter and I am happy that you were able to see where was headed. :happygem: [8/24/2026 7:42 PM] aiden_marquis Thanks for pointing out these areas, too. [8/24/2026 7:43 PM] aiden_marquis I don't have levels, but I can tell you this: Riven - druid - alignment at the moment would be CN but this likely changes as the story goes along... Sydney - fighter - LG. Aelfric - ??? - NG. {Reactions} ❤️ 💯 [8/24/2026 7:46 PM] aiden_marquis This is to indicate the breadth to the scheme which Murdoch refers to with the king already being murdered and the involvement of the vizier. Things are deeper than they first appear. Some of the guards on this trip were already on board Team Murdoch. But not all... [8/24/2026 7:47 PM] aiden_marquis This is Sydney, as he is chasing after Aelfric, realizing how his actions are likely to be labeled, and coming to grips that he cannot go back to the life he knew just a few moments ago. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/24/2026 7:48 PM] ladylazarus2235 Favorite scene: when Sydney refused to slaughter the royal child, in spite of potential gains! Instant character moral fortitude and really clinched “who is the POV/protagonist” for me. Critique: you might have twice as many characters as you need here. They’re introduced rapidly and I required some rereads to keep track. Especially toward the beginning I felt the adjectives and adverbs somewhat bogged down the really lovely and engaging narrative. Because the action moves so fast these sometimes tripped me up, along with this sort of passage: “Approaching the gathering, Aelfric reached for his arrow, but before he could retrieve it, Murdoch seized him - yanking the prince’s arms behind his back.” I think you could safely cut “before he could retrieve it” because it is extremely implied. Overall I’d look for places to trust your reader. I loved this, subscribed, and I’m so glad you shared. ❤️ {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/24/2026 7:56 PM] aiden_marquis Thank you for your feedback. Your comment about the # of characters had already been addressed by me moving chapters around and making this chapter 1 (there used to be more characters introduced before this inciting event). But I think it highlights the importance of characters that are each their own individual and for POV swaps that are clear. I appreciate the feedback on the prose, too. This will have to be looked at before I am ready to move forward with pubication. Thank you for the sub. ❤️ {Reactions} ❤️ ============================================================== Exported 160 message(s) ==============================================================