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Guild: Write Club
Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-28-26-her-majesty-of-ink-and-exits
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[8/23/2026 10:15 AM] starcryst
@Her Majesty of Ink and Exits story link here please - let's go baby!


[8/24/2026 9:35 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
https://velinwoodcourt.substack.com/p/bunny-the-hidden-record-the-first?r=7aq9q2&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

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https://velinwoodcourt.substack.com/p/bunny-the-hidden-record-the-first?r=7aq9q2&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
Bunny. The Hidden Record: The First Empty Throne
Chapter 5: The Offices of Bunny, Chief Petty Officer of Velinwood Court
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/vcMwl8clZXGxOFEb-sY9TB4DoWOfA9VFa2cnaG8gQwY/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21dGQz%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Abest%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fvelinwoodcourt.substack.com%252Fapi%252Fv1%252Fpost_preview%252F195834649%252Ftwitter.jpg%253Fversion%253D4

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[8/28/2026 11:03 AM] chet_sandberg
Do we ever leave crit before the appointed time?


[8/28/2026 11:03 AM] .revanarchy
If you can't make it, the normal procedure is to revisit it after session.


[8/28/2026 3:27 PM] chet_sandberg
Where does it signify if they want soft or sharp critique?


[8/28/2026 3:28 PM] fictionshroom
At the start of a round

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[8/28/2026 3:28 PM] .revanarchy
David asks usually about 5 minutes before

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[8/28/2026 4:08 PM] panache.
Oh so if I don't make it I can add my feedback here after?

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[8/28/2026 4:08 PM] panache.
I already have my feedback ready haha


[8/28/2026 5:03 PM] josisofer
@David T Etheredge - Inference I saw a few new people join the server today, I'm posting the club rules now

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[8/28/2026 5:05 PM] josisofer
I'm also going to add that the best way to help a fellow author grow on Substack is to restack their work. If you like tonight's piece, quote it, restack it, comment, and a like is the least you can do for the author.

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[8/28/2026 5:20 PM] chet_sandberg
How does one raise his hand? It’s right here in this thread?

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[8/28/2026 5:20 PM] fictionshroom
Like this 👋

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[8/28/2026 5:36 PM] chet_sandberg
Just an emoji?


[8/28/2026 5:36 PM] fictionshroom
Yep.


[8/28/2026 5:36 PM] erisindex
456558


[8/28/2026 5:36 PM] chet_sandberg
👋

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[8/28/2026 5:36 PM] chet_sandberg
Kk


[8/28/2026 5:44 PM] josisofer
Correct. And David asked for the night off, so I'll be hosting

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[8/28/2026 5:45 PM] josisofer
Therefore, attendance is mandatory, less Bunny file a complaint in triplicate @Her Majesty of Ink and Exits


[8/28/2026 5:51 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
Mine will probably be late unless these kids REALLY don't talk on session, but I R Prepared.


[8/28/2026 6:05 PM] josisofer
All I thought immediately was this nonsense

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[8/28/2026 6:13 PM] snowpuppie
I was just making one! lol


[8/28/2026 6:13 PM] snowpuppie
I thought you were "off" tonight.

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[8/28/2026 6:14 PM] starcryst
Even when I'm off, I'm ON!

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[8/28/2026 6:15 PM] josisofer
I'm hosting, but I'm terrible with graphics, but I also know the link at the top is Chapter 5, not chapter 3 @David T Etheredge - Inference


[8/28/2026 6:15 PM] snowpuppie
I'll remember this the next time I need help and you're doing something to relax. 😉 lol

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[8/28/2026 6:16 PM] snowpuppie
Let me see if I can get that fixed josi


[8/28/2026 6:16 PM] josisofer
I just want to make sure we're all on the same page


[8/28/2026 6:16 PM] fictionshroom
I read the right one earlier today ... i think?


[8/28/2026 6:17 PM] josisofer
@Her Majesty of Ink and Exits dropped Chapter 5, so I hope that's what she wanted read


[8/28/2026 6:17 PM] snowpuppie
it is chapter 5


[8/28/2026 6:17 PM] snowpuppie
david is fixing the link on Substack


[8/28/2026 6:17 PM] snowpuppie
Im fixing the graphic now


[8/28/2026 6:17 PM] josisofer
Thank you @David T Etheredge - Inference and @Lisa N Snowe


[8/28/2026 6:18 PM] starcryst
fixing the art in a minute but this is the right link and story name

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[8/28/2026 6:20 PM] snowpuppie
@David T Etheredge - Inference Sent you the art in a DM


[8/28/2026 6:22 PM] starcryst
It's not updating the art


[8/28/2026 6:22 PM] snowpuppie
get rid of the link above


[8/28/2026 6:22 PM] snowpuppie
delete that too


[8/28/2026 6:23 PM] snowpuppie
and update in on the destination URL


[8/28/2026 6:23 PM] starcryst


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[8/28/2026 6:23 PM] starcryst
https://substack.com/@davidtetheredge/note/c-324850834


[8/28/2026 6:23 PM] starcryst
There


[8/28/2026 6:23 PM] snowpuppie
yay!


[8/28/2026 6:24 PM] starcryst
My spreadsheet had Chapter 3 and I didn't confirm that was right by checking this channel first.


[8/28/2026 6:25 PM] snowpuppie
Spreadsheets make us creatives crazy, so you get a pass. ❤️


[8/28/2026 6:27 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Bunny says that he filed a last minute amendment. A pre-audit correction and that this was the correct chapter all along.

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[8/28/2026 6:27 PM] josisofer
a likely story

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[8/28/2026 6:27 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
He'd show you the paperwork. If he could find it.


[8/28/2026 6:28 PM] snowpuppie
Somehow I think there is now a file on his desk simply labeled, "David"

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[8/28/2026 6:28 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Filed somewhere between the color green and last Tuesday.


[8/28/2026 6:28 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
OH DAVID. There is a substantial file re: David.


[8/28/2026 6:29 PM] snowpuppie
Appropriately so, given David's distaste for green vegetables and Mondays.


[8/28/2026 6:29 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
There's David from 1992. David from the grocery store. David from that one time we don't talk about.

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[8/28/2026 6:59 PM] josisofer
Alright, WRITE CLUB! It’s about 7PM Eastern, @everyone get your rears moving in here!

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[8/28/2026 6:59 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/kakashi-secret-technique

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https://klipy.com/gifs/kakashi-secret-technique
Kakashi's Secret Technique: 1000 Years
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/ZRl2EBAlKHEXzBCGv4cYpTe1U6D_yT64v-xdEmONZ1k/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4e7bea9f7a3371424e6c16ebc93252fe/da/3c/rzHyWaxpvrn2LtrDLY.webp

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[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] somedesertrat
https://klipy.com/gifs/rarda

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https://klipy.com/gifs/rarda
Rarda Running and Flying
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/gO7uXYHG7Odj1ZkcctA-hKmaaVkywLQS1AA1CI4WC3k/https/static.klipy.com/ii/935d7ab9d8c6202580a668421940ec81/82/fc/DeHPZ7yU.webp


[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
Tonight’s victim—ahem—featured author is @Her Majesty of Ink and Exits! Madam, do you want want your criticism a gentle High-Brow, or rough to the Petty Blue Standard?

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[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
https://klipy.com/gifs/eating-phil

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https://klipy.com/gifs/eating-phil
Bill Murray as Phil Eating in Groundhog Day
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/onWUUPuZf_gZQQReUftTSYVP9o9ccsG8cEFRyMY0V_g/https/static.klipy.com/ii/925f17378dd1893b674a723c07535afe/0d/a9/6ZTieY8C.webp

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[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
I'm fine.


[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
Don't Kakashi my gifs Coral


[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] josisofer
For those of you unfamiliar, here are the rules:


[8/28/2026 7:00 PM] somedesertrat
Honestly, I was hoping it would have just been the face.


[8/28/2026 7:01 PM] josisofer


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[8/28/2026 7:01 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Oh you don't want Petty Blue Standard. I like ya'll too much. Say what you gotta say. I can take it.

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[8/28/2026 7:01 PM] josisofer
And I will remind everyone. If you liked this piece by tonight’s featured author, quote restacks and restacks are the best thing you can do to support them over on the Stack.

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[8/28/2026 7:01 PM] josisofer
Alright, raise those yellow emoji hands and let’s go!


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] panache.
✋️


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
✋


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat
👋


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] lammbbb
✋


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
👋


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] snowpuppie
👋


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] josisofer
@eggsavior1001 GO!


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex
👋


[8/28/2026 7:02 PM] panache.
Favorite line: either ‘To Whom It’s About to Concern,
So much so that I actually want to use that in an email at work. 

Or 
“Staircase vs Heir: The Staircase Smackdown. One Child’s Fight Against Gravity,” with tally marks. Apparently the staircase was winning. 

Favorite scene: where they went to bunny's office. Something about the cracked seat of the chair, more than anything you described in the whole chapter, clicked with me in such a visual way that I just knew what kind of office we were in.

Constructive criticism: maybe it was due to the fact that it was chapter 5 but I wasn't entirely sure what the plot was. Outside of someone getting a tour of bunny's offices. But this was probably due to it being chapter 5. 

Question for the author: I read the description at the bottom of the chapter. I'm assuming this is Alice in wonderland inspired. Is the pov character Alice?

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[8/28/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer
@eggsavior1001 , we done?


[8/28/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer
@Kris Buckel go!


[8/28/2026 7:03 PM] panache.
Yup


[8/28/2026 7:03 PM] vaelinshadowbloom
Fav line - They’re not motivational. ‘It’s not a crisis. It’s a Tuesday,’ and ‘It’s only a mistake if you say it is. Otherwise, it’s an adventure in consequences,’ and another one says ‘Your gratitude journal is full of lies.’ - As a therapist, I very much want these posters for my office. That, however, would be another adventure in consequences.
Fav scene - "To Whom It's About to Concern." I need this in my life. This piece is hilarious, well-written, and intriguing.
Critique - I had to seriously nitpick to find something wrong. I am slightly confused as to what "I" am doing in Bunnys office. Am I a new employee or someone the Kingdom holds a grudge against? Again, the piece is wonderful without this knowledge, but it's be helpful.
Notes - I am thoroughly in love with this piece. I will go read more. 

Other note - I am also not sure if this was the right chapter after the talk earlier, but it's what I prepared, sooo.. Uh... Hi!

Done.

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[8/28/2026 7:04 PM] chet_sandberg
👋

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[8/28/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer
@Carl Price go!


[8/28/2026 7:04 PM] somedesertrat
General Feedback: Firstly, this is an excellently written 2nd-Person POV Present Voice piece (I'm not a particular fan of those storytelling methods outside of a Choose Your Own Adventure gamebook). Unfortunately, you set the bar so high for me that I fear others might not be able to achieve it. I heard the narrator's voice in a very consistent and soothing manner in my head as I gave it the first readthrough (think Angela Lansbury or one of the Attenborough dudes).

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[8/28/2026 7:04 PM] somedesertrat
Fave Scene: 

> The music just starts. It comes from nowhere and everywhere. It just begins the minute Bunny enters: “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton. 
^ Not only does this add flavor to the scene, instill a sense of magic, and provide an Earliest Date for the chapter, it also serves as a great characterization moment. When Bunny enters the room, it's just another day at the office doing underappreciated work for little to no recognition. I'll also admit to checking the publication date for the chapter- '9 to 5' getting mentioned within a couple days of Miss Parton's passing is pure synchronicity.

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[8/28/2026 7:04 PM] somedesertrat
> “These offices pre-date the Kingdom. Like me. And the files contained herein. Some of these are ancient, some of them were yesterday. It doesn’t matter. They are, and will remain, as fresh as the day they were filed. That’s both useful and inconvenient. There’s no system to destroy files. They can be resolved, they can be refiled. They can be moved. Borrowed, lent, referenced…but not forgotten. That kind of memory system is a bitch. And so am I.”
^ After the in depth familiarization with Bunny's workspaces, this is one hell of a way to reinforce the underappreciated worker vibe.

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[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst
👋


[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] somedesertrat
Constructive Criticism: 

The biggest criticism I have is the one use of contemporary terminology ('mansplaining') getting used in a fantasy-leaning setting threw me out for a moment, however with this being Chapter 5 in this story, it's more than likely just my own unfamiliarity with the worldbuilding. 

There was only one minor grammatical error that I noticed (the quoted letter is left open).

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[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] chet_sandberg
(How do I know when I'm called?)


[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] somedesertrat
DONE


[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] somedesertrat
-# you'll get tagged in chat


[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] snowpuppie
Josi will say your name and "GO" after it.

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[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer
I will call you @Chet_Sandberg , you're after @Eris Index  though

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[8/28/2026 7:05 PM] josisofer
@Lunetois you're up


[8/28/2026 7:06 PM] lammbbb
Good tidings to you, Your Majesty. I'm proud to be received at court today.

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[8/28/2026 7:06 PM] lammbbb
If your Majesty will permit, my favorite part is actually in the afterward, probably in most of these stories if I had to guess:
> The books she writes are not fiction—they are truth told sideways through myth and meaning, especially memory.
Second place possibly goes to the Decree of Rejection and Refutation of Mansplanatian, Unsolicited, Type 1-- whose contents I shall not repeat here as we all no doubt have memorized them (and I would not wish to presume to mansplain in the presence of Her Grace) by now.

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[8/28/2026 7:06 PM] josisofer
and thanks for asking


[8/28/2026 7:06 PM] lammbbb
Overall I would say the two things I'm reminded of most are Improbably Island and the first two Terry Pratchett Discworld novels. I found it funny. I think it was a little on the long side-- which means it needed more punchlines because nothing is too long if it's so great. But people tell me Substack is supposed to be for short stuff; so maybe you could cut something somewhere instead.

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[8/28/2026 7:07 PM] lammbbb
Sorry I don't have as much to say as usual, Highness. This completes my examination of Your works for the evening. I await Your favor, dam.

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[8/28/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/are-you-okay-are-you-fine-2

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https://klipy.com/gifs/are-you-okay-are-you-fine-2
Are You Okay? Are You Fine?
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[8/28/2026 7:07 PM] josisofer
but mostly, are you done?

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[8/28/2026 7:07 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
You'll get used to it, Josie. 😂


[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] lammbbb
This attendant finds himself tragically reticent this evening.

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[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
JOSIE


[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
josi. dammit


[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
ffs


[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] josisofer
@lauriemacNorCal , go


[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite line: They can be moved. Borrowed, lent, referenced…but not forgotten. That kind of memory system is a bitch. And so am I.”

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[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Favorite moment: The office setting. It’s like a master class for writing descriptions.

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[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Criticism: For some reason, the use of present tense tripped me up


[8/28/2026 7:08 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
General feedback: Absolutely delightful. It’s “Bridgerton” on acid.

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[8/28/2026 7:09 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
Question: How long has this world lived in your mind?

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[8/28/2026 7:09 PM] fictionshroom
👋

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[8/28/2026 7:09 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
DONE


[8/28/2026 7:09 PM] josisofer
@Lisa N Snowe , you're up


[8/28/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie
You have beautiful prose and a vivid imagination. This was a really fanciful read!

Favorite Line(s):
Some are labeled by year, some are labeled by color and one particularly large one just says “Gary,” and looks like it’s been thrown against the wall a few times. << What a great intro to the entire personality of this scene, and to Bunny.

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[8/28/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie
‘It’s not a crisis. It’s a Tuesday,’ and ‘It’s only a mistake if you say it is. Otherwise, it’s an adventure in consequences,’ and another one says ‘Your gratitude journal is full of lies.’ 

Bunny doesn’t look up from his typing. “Demotivationals,” he says, answering the question on your face. << I got a real feel for Bunny and his character from this. Loved it.

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[8/28/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie
Favorite Scene: The Foundational Offenses scene. This is something different. Something has happened here, to Emma. Something grave. It made me start to ask a lot of questions. I wondered if this were her memories, which made me wonder if the entire filing system were a metaphor for memory and retrieval of things, some brand new, some forgotten. It started to sharpen the world a bit.

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[8/28/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie
Critique: Your prose, creativity and humor are wonderful. The scenery you evoke is mesmerizing. However, I think perhaps you can trust your reader more? When those beautiful details are stacked one upon the other for too long, they begin diluting one another instead of building upon one another. For example, your opening: You can cut out some of those titles and not lose a thing, and move the reader on. Let them get to the story, a curiosity for which you've already beautifully evoked in them. The description of the office - the details are so pretty, but i found them just a tad too numerous, which slowed the pacing for me. Perhaps show scenery and setting through more action to keep the pace moving and the reader fully engaged?

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[8/28/2026 7:11 PM] snowpuppie
Question: The 2nd person POV made me feel I was experiencing this myself, but I'm not quite sure why I was there with Bunny to begin with (perhaps this was explained in the previous chapters, if so, ignore these questions).  Was this on purpose? Will this be revealed?

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[8/28/2026 7:11 PM] snowpuppie
DONE


[8/28/2026 7:11 PM] josisofer
Okay, @Eris Index , you may approach the throne


[8/28/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex
Write Club
Fav lines: 
There’s another small desk back here, with an old typewriter that looks like it’s been through a war, and a rolling chair that is cracked at the seat.
I really love this imagery. A typewriter that appears to have gone to war? Crafty descriptions!!!!

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[8/28/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex
“The office is always open. That’s not hospitality. It’s policy.” 

Yikes! Way to tell me about the character without telling me about the character, lol. Hahaha. I love this. Sounds friendly for about half a second and then immediately becomes vaguely threatening. Very Bunny.

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[8/28/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex
“They can be resolved, they can be refiled. They can be moved. Borrowed, lent, referenced…but not forgotten. That kind of memory system is a bitch. And so am I.” 

Why is this funny on the surface and kind of heavy underneath? This is Bunny, for sure. Good character description with these lines. Right when it starts getting weirdly serious, Bunny cuts through it with a one-liner.

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[8/28/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex
Fav scenes: The whole office reveal and the damn good descriptions of it was probably my favorite. The missing door, Dolly Parton singing out of nowhere, the ‘pink’ boardroom, the ‘Gary’ cabinet. 🤣It’s almost ridiculous, but it tells us a lot about the character. 

The other scene I really liked was the “Foundational Offenses” cabinet and the hospital drawing. That was where the story stopped being comedic, almost. It felt a little more serious... Bunny going from petty bureaucrat nonsense to talking about Emma waking up afraid someone had taken something else from her? Yep, the funny took a backseat.

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[8/28/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex
Criticism:
I think there are a few places where the descriptions start stacking on top of each other for too long. The office is supposed to be overloaded, so some excess fits, but once I understood “pink bureaucratic nightmare full of grudges and paperwork,” I didn’t need quite every object explained. Trimming a few details would probably make the really good ones… Gary, the lies vase, the broken teacup files, the weird awards… hit harder.
I also think Bunny’s titles at the beginning are funny, but there are so many that I started skimming before the actual story began. I’d keep the strongest/weirdest ones and cut a few of the ones that feel repetitive.

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[8/28/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex
Overall:
Bunny is funny as hell, but the more serious stuff about memory, grudges, and what gets archived gives the funny moments something else... I liked it that way more than if it had stayed pure chaos.
Question: Are the “Foundational Offenses” literally Bunny’s records of the events that built the Court, or are they more like emotional records? Erledigt. DONE.

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[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Yes they are.


[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] josisofer
@Chet_Sandberg , your moment has arrived, Welcome

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[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] josisofer
and Go!


[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] chet_sandberg
(Lots of line and stlyle suggestions): FOUR uses of “just” in the first two paragraphs. (If spicy—Take a power drill and  remove the part of your brain that knows the words “just,” “really,” and “even.” Your work will immediate benefit.)

Starting with “There is” is establishing mere existence for no reason. Instead of, “There is a sofa sitting next to the door,” you can use, “A sofa sits next to the door.” The existence of the subject is established in action.

“Bunny’s heels click…” 
1. Don’t give agency to a body part or disembodied thing if the subject (owner of the part/thing) exists and is known. Turns into, “Bunny clicks his heels…”

2. Try to find more active verbs than “is” and “are.”

(From the piece) “You start to get the feeling that behind Bunny’s masks and his performance, there’s something much more serious under the surface.”

1. Don’t “start” or “begin” actions that complete. Anything that happens starts and completes. When we write a scene, we often automatically use “start” because we see it start, but if it completes, the reader knows it “started.”
2. “…, there’s something much more serious…” you’re establishing existence again with the “‘s.” Consider “…something much more serious lurks under the surface,” for a more active verb.

(From the piece) “Behold,” he says ~~dramatically~~, “the Office of Grudges.”

1. You don’t need to say “dramatically,” because, “Behold” is already dramatic.
2. Replace dialogue tag with an action. “Behold”—he spreads his arms like a showman—“the Office of Grudges.” This lets you pack in action and indicate dialogue = more showing and less telling.

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[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] chet_sandberg
Storytelling: I love second person present tense. I didn’t read the other four chapters, so I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s whimsical and quite easy to read.

I don’t see any conflict at all in the chapter, but I don’t know if it’s a “rest from action” chapter. The PLACE is quite well described. No one lost anything, and no one won anything, at least from what I can tell within the limitations of this one chapter. Someone is chastised and I THINK it’s the POV character, but because I didn’t read what came before, I’m not certain.

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[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] chet_sandberg
I loved the humor! You need more propulsive verbs than statements of being, though.

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[8/28/2026 7:13 PM] chet_sandberg
Done!


[8/28/2026 7:14 PM] josisofer
Well, welcome to the Club @Chet_Sandberg , you're not playing around and I like the cut of your jib

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[8/28/2026 7:14 PM] fictionshroom
I'm scared now.

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[8/28/2026 7:15 PM] josisofer
@David T Etheredge - Inference , it's your night off and yet, you're still here. Go, I guess...

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[8/28/2026 7:15 PM] chet_sandberg
(I'm a professional genre line and style editor as my moonlighting job)

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[8/28/2026 7:15 PM] rubygs
👋

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[8/28/2026 7:15 PM] josisofer
@David T Etheredge - Inference ...


[8/28/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst
General: This was just delightful to read. Thank you for putting a smile on my face for a solid 15 minutes.

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
Favorite Line(s): 

‘To Whom It’s About to Concern, <<< I fucking LOVE this line and I am stealing it for work. Also I'm going to get a job at the IRS just so I can use it all day, every day.

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
_The Offices of Bunny, Chief Petty Officer of Velinwood Court_  <<< I feel the word "Petty" does not mean what we think it means..."

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer
I will be contacting you to learn your ways

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
Bunny’s office is just next door to Percy’s. It doesn’t even have a door, just a grand entrance. It used to have a door. You can see the hinges. But the door itself is gone and Bunny will not tell you where it went. <<< I have questions! The best kind of opening!

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] panache.
Already an accountant here and almost used it today

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
There’s an antique green vase on top of the desk too, with dried roses. It’s labeled “lies.”

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[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
I want to pause here for a second


[8/28/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst
this was SUCH a great line.

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
I literally stopped reading and thought about it for like 5 minutes

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] chet_sandberg
Yes! "To Whom It's About to Concern" made me chuckle to myself.

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
Possibly one of my top 5 lines in all of Write Club so far

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
‘It’s only a mistake if you say it is. Otherwise, it’s an adventure in consequences,’ <<< what a wonderfully disturbingly refreshingly delightful concept.

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
you really don’t want Bunny to start filing something on you. <<< ON you, or on YOU? Possibly both? 🙂

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
‘Welcome to the Downstairs,” as if you’ve entered another realm. And, as you enter, you clearly have. <<< wonderful hook out!

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
So you can see I love a LOT of lines

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[8/28/2026 7:17 PM] starcryst
Critique - The "There are no beds in the Kingdom" sequence went on a bit long.

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[8/28/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
I think this sequence killed the propulsion of the story.

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[8/28/2026 7:18 PM] lutherintaralomya
you guys are way more professional then I am so hard to keep up with whats going on lol

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[8/28/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
It took me out of direct engagement with the story in a way that was confusion instead of delight


[8/28/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
Question - since the POV character was apparently mansplaining things, are they Alex in Wonderland?

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[8/28/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst
DONE


[8/28/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer
Thank you David


[8/28/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer
@✨🍄Fiction Shroom🍄✨ , go Shroomy go!


[8/28/2026 7:19 PM] fictionshroom
Eeeep

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[8/28/2026 7:19 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Bunny files "Eeeep." feedback received.

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[8/28/2026 7:19 PM] ladylazarus2235
👋

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[8/28/2026 7:19 PM] fictionshroom
Right off the bat, I love bunny's excessively long list of titles. 🤣🤣🤣🤌
I did skim them because there were a lot, but I went back.

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[8/28/2026 7:20 PM] fictionshroom
Fav lines incoming: There’s an antique green vase on top of the desk too, with dried roses. It’s labeled “lies.” >> this made me stop for a second. Such a nice little jarring detail. Pun intended.

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[8/28/2026 7:20 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
(they also shape a christmas tree... just sayin')


[8/28/2026 7:20 PM] fictionshroom
Bunny flops into his chair, almost knocking it over in the process and begins to type furiously. As you stand there, you notice the posters on his wall. They’re not motivational. ‘It’s not a crisis. It’s a Tuesday,’ and ‘It’s only a mistake if you say it is. Otherwise, it’s an adventure in consequences,’ and another one says ‘Your gratitude journal is full of lies.’

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[8/28/2026 7:20 PM] chet_sandberg
(I'm sorta scared because you're all genre, so I'm doing genre line and style editing, but I think I'll be crashing with literary fantasy/weird fiction with many, many liberties taken in style, grammar, and formatting)

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[8/28/2026 7:20 PM] fictionshroom
He doesn’t offer you a seat. You don’t really want to sit anyway. This place is not the kind of place you want to stay in too long, you really don’t want Bunny to start filing something on you. >> No I really don't 🤣

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[8/28/2026 7:20 PM] josisofer
We respect lit fic here, promise

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[8/28/2026 7:21 PM] fictionshroom
: “all who enter here are loved, exactly as they are,” and “Staircase vs Heir: The Staircase Smackdown. One Child’s Fight Against Gravity,” with tally marks. Apparently the staircase was winning. Above the table is a painting of flowers with hot pink and black writing painted boldly over top: ‘Welcome to the Downstairs,” as if you’ve entered another realm.  >> I love how passive aggressive *exactly as they are* is.

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[8/28/2026 7:21 PM] fictionshroom
This is very immersive and snarky. I don't usually go for second person narrative but this is very well done. I'm feeling the vibe in this place and Bunny makes me very uncomfortable, at the same time I'm still an outside observer and Bunny absolutely charms me from afar. 

The whole feel is otherworldly yet familiar and real. Subtly sinister and yet whimsical.

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[8/28/2026 7:21 PM] lutherintaralomya
its ok im scared here to I feel like I walked into a realm of professional authors and I walked into the wrong room

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[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] chet_sandberg
More like China Miéville meets the worst of Pynchon (minus the songs)

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[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] fictionshroom
The criticism about over explaining was already said but this line too is a fav: "Drawers that won't close."Very brief and gets across perfectly how hoarded the place is.

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[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer
Do you want to go later?


[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] fictionshroom
DONE


[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
wait for after party...

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[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] chet_sandberg
I've never published except on RoyalRoad and Substack.

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[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer
@steffie , you're up!


[8/28/2026 7:22 PM] rubygs
Favorite Line: “Your audacity at explaining Her Majesty’s own cognition to her while also possessing two brain cells that cannot find each other in the darkness of your own is comical.”
Favorite scene: “Bunny’s heels click across the floor sharply as he leads you beyond the main room and into another one. Bunny’s hall of records. The room is large but doesn’t feel that way because it is positively overstuffed with filing cabinets.” -i love the description here

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[8/28/2026 7:23 PM] rubygs
Critique: none i loved it start to finish really

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[8/28/2026 7:23 PM] rubygs
Question: who's your ideal audience?


[8/28/2026 7:23 PM] rubygs
Done


[8/28/2026 7:23 PM] josisofer
@Alexis Wright Author , your time to shine

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[8/28/2026 7:23 PM] fictionshroom
I'm technically litfic. You can tear me apart and make me cry later. ❤️

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[8/28/2026 7:24 PM] lutherintaralomya
no I'm fine just I think the fast pace of the rooms to and coming in when you guys were more established has me all over the place

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[8/28/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst
Golden Retriever Nihilism!

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[8/28/2026 7:24 PM] josisofer
Oh stop it you just have to dress weird in an expensive way and smoke in public, you'll be a darling in the lit world

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[8/28/2026 7:25 PM] fictionshroom


{Attachments}
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536891008317395017/1543038761980403792/consistent_character_1f16552a-70c9-67a0-9570-0d8ee9c1954d_0_0.png?ex=6ab8fd15&is=6ab7ab95&hm=526a2a906aff73b21758144b9d37199b65c7d730c8d779de9da718bf21f0efc9&

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[8/28/2026 7:25 PM] josisofer
Don't worry about that, most of us prepare in advance, we're here for everyone to share their thoughts

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[8/28/2026 7:25 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Readers who love layered worldbuilding and hidden architecture. the kind who read footnotes for pleasure and want the pieces to link back to each other. Voice-forward characters where how they talk is as much the story as what happens. Humor and grief in the same paragraph. Think readers who liked Susanna Clarke or Pratchett; people who want to be trusted to walk the doors instead of being told what's behind them.

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[8/28/2026 7:25 PM] chet_sandberg
I typed into notes and cut and pasted. The detailed line and style kinda requires it.

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[8/28/2026 7:25 PM] fictionshroom
It's not as fast once you're in it

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[8/28/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst
Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.

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[8/28/2026 7:26 PM] josisofer
what are you a shooting instructor?

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[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] fictionshroom
Of course he is. Why would he not be.


[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] chet_sandberg
Your voice is wonderful in the piece! (Just need momentum). Also, might consider subtly writing some emotions into the description instead of filtering—or you can use indirect interior monologue

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[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst
It applies to almost everything. (almost)

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[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] snowpuppie
this all depends what type of "shooting" you're talking about here .... XD

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[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] ladylazarus2235
Hey! I enjoyed reading this piece and experienced it as magical realism with a distinctive, confident voice. Since I consider voice the most important part of writing fiction that puts you in an amazing place, because it reads as completely yours and could never in a million years be mistaken for either another writer or AI. 

It says chapter 5 so I do not for a second expect to understand everything, but I agree with the density of the details. It's a lot of things competing for reader attention, which is at a premium more than ever. 

You write absurdism really well. I loved that the story takes itself completely seriously, and isn't winking at the reader as if to ask "isn't this foolish?" Within the world of the story, I took Bunny, the Bureau of Emotional Discontent, etc completely seriously. "One Child's Fight Against Gravity" made me snort out loud. There is a nice combination of whimsical and foreboding that has real teeth and you strike that balance really well. 

Thank you so much for sharing, gonna go share and subscribe right now. ❤️

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[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/hmm-excuse-me-1

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Little Girl's Gasp Reaction
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[8/28/2026 7:27 PM] josisofer
Lisa, Ma'am


[8/28/2026 7:28 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Alice in wonderland: not intentionally. but the lineage is there and an obvious influence, although unintended- you can't not see it.  Velinwood does that too, but the absurdity is bureaucratic instead of whimsical. Alice wanders through Wonderland. Bunny files complaints about it in triplicate. Velinwood is a bit more complicated under the surface because what's under the surface isn't so nice.

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[8/28/2026 7:28 PM] josisofer
@Alexis Wright Author , are you done?


[8/28/2026 7:28 PM] snowpuppie
His mouth, guns ... you know, my, Miss Josi, what else IS there?

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[8/28/2026 7:28 PM] josisofer
You know what you did

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[8/28/2026 7:28 PM] chet_sandberg
For everyone here, re: Style: Filtering the action through the senses of the POV character always reminds the reader they aren't experiencing the action themselves.  I should write a style guide, maybe.

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[8/28/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer
Would anyone else like to take a turn?


[8/28/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst
wives...

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[8/28/2026 7:29 PM] snowpuppie
consider what you're about to follow that up with carefully...

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[8/28/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer
Okay, then it's my turn


[8/28/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/oh-snap-dave-chappelle

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Oh Snap Dave Chappelle
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[8/28/2026 7:29 PM] josisofer
We'll pause for a second to wait for @David T Etheredge - Inference 's careful answer

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[8/28/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst
that answer was self contained

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[8/28/2026 7:30 PM] josisofer
Favorite Scene: The stairs at the end.

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[8/28/2026 7:30 PM] josisofer
You transitioned so well it should be taught in an intro to writing class


[8/28/2026 7:30 PM] josisofer
Favorite Lines: 

Familiar of Vengeance, Emotional Support Executioner
AND

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[8/28/2026 7:30 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850
You do have a lot of opinions, yes.

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[8/28/2026 7:31 PM] josisofer
Bunny flops into his chair, almost knocking it over in the process and begins to type furiously. As you stand there, you notice the posters on his wall. They’re not motivational. ‘It’s not a crisis. It’s a Tuesday,’ and ‘It’s only a mistake if you say it is. Otherwise, it’s an adventure in consequences,’ and another one says ‘Your gratitude journal is full of lies.’

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[8/28/2026 7:31 PM] josisofer
Bunny is the Anti-Therapist, and I’m glad he’s confined to the world of fiction, but this made me laugh so hard.

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[8/28/2026 7:31 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
He would disagree that he's confined or fictional but continue...

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[8/28/2026 7:31 PM] josisofer
AND
The staircase at the back of the hall is narrow and dark, but not unwelcoming. It winds in a long spiral and as you get to the bottom you notice there’s carpet missing from the bottom step, and a small hallway table with a gold framed cork board. “Petty Decrees.” You pause to inspect it closer. Pinned to it are two notes: “all who enter here are loved, exactly as they are,” and “Staircase vs Heir: The Staircase Smackdown. One Child’s Fight Against Gravity,” with tally marks. Apparently the staircase was winning. Above the table is a painting of flowers with hot pink and black writing painted boldly over top: ‘Welcome to the Downstairs,” as if you’ve entered another realm.
And, as you enter, you clearly have.

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[8/28/2026 7:32 PM] fictionshroom
He can be Johnny's therapist

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[8/28/2026 7:32 PM] josisofer
I love this last line, it paints such a vivid visual and tone for this Alice-In-Disma-Land adventure, and I love it for that reason, but at the same time I do not like it as a last line.

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[8/28/2026 7:32 PM] starcryst
I was literally about to say we need Bunny v Johnny!

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[8/28/2026 7:32 PM] josisofer
Criticism: Your prose is strong and intense, give some of it room to breathe. Let some of the jokes land. And the last line of the chapter, as mentioned above, doesn’t feel like the last line of a Chapter to me. It feels like the end of a short story. And since this chapter felt a lot like a chapter 1, I feel like you risk the reader. I don’t sense the questions that are driving me into the next chapter, and I want some because I loved the chapter.

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[8/28/2026 7:32 PM] josisofer
About @Eris and the titles, give me a moment to pull your comment from Substack in reply to me because I was busy hosting.


[8/28/2026 7:33 PM] josisofer
I agree the titles need to be trimmed, but you gave me such a good reply I feel you could replace it with this


[8/28/2026 7:33 PM] josisofer
"He has more. He was being modest" <--- That was you @Her Majesty of Ink and Exits , use it

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[8/28/2026 7:34 PM] josisofer
Pick your top two, then finish with that, and you'll have a golden titling of Bunny

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[8/28/2026 7:34 PM] josisofer
Positive Critique: This is a charming story, Bunny’s pettiness wins me over not because it’s restrained but because you went full Nicolas Cage with it. Just committed to the bit, and you didn’t seem to do so cynically, and I love that. I can’t keep up with most serials despite writing one, but I’m going to start over at Chapter 1 with you. You won at least one reader because there’s this sense of whimsy in the piece that I just can’t resist.

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[8/28/2026 7:35 PM] josisofer
Question: What made you go with Second-Person POV? That’s a rare one to write, and you did it so well.

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[8/28/2026 7:35 PM] chet_sandberg
I can hold back and wait until someone wants to pay for them. No harm, no foul.

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[8/28/2026 7:35 PM] josisofer
And now that I'm done, does anyone else have feedback?


[8/28/2026 7:36 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
Well. That was mostly mild. I expected at least one "you are a hack."

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[8/28/2026 7:36 PM] josisofer
This is fair, tease us with the goods


[8/28/2026 7:36 PM] josisofer
https://klipy.com/gifs/we-dont-do-that-here-black-panther

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https://klipy.com/gifs/we-dont-do-that-here-black-panther
Black Panther: We Don't Do That Here
https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/s3cacvcSLuaJC2hhMDF3omXidsgodau_QSrXcYS5fLs/https/static.klipy.com/ii/8ce8357c78ea940b9c2015daf05ce1a5/4b/d9/SlOWJnTq.webp

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[8/28/2026 7:36 PM] starcryst
All is fair if the author asks for full frontal critique! 🙂

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[8/28/2026 7:36 PM] chet_sandberg
How many here have done critique prior to this group? I'm curious.


[8/28/2026 7:36 PM] josisofer
Alright, @Her Majesty of Ink and Exits , anything you want to say to the room?


[8/28/2026 7:37 PM] somedesertrat
They used that all up on me.

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[8/28/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
check the channels, I've gone twice, quite a few of have


[8/28/2026 7:37 PM] starcryst
this is the 57th night of Write Club


[8/28/2026 7:37 PM] josisofer
No one said that to you Coral


[8/28/2026 7:37 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
alright. The hidden record is a sister series to the main series- the velvet warpath. The velvet warpath is told past tense and it goes through the story a-z. ...
Bunny's hidden record tells it backwards. This book, the first one in the series meets the last book of warpath before the final book that closes both.

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[8/28/2026 7:37 PM] somedesertrat
I taught Analytical and Assessment Writing as part of a 16 week long course for training military personnel- does that count?

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[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
So Bunny is, in essence, giving you a tour. which is why it's directly to the reader.

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[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] chet_sandberg
No, I mean... other formats, sites, or groups? I did years of it, so maybe my expectations were incorrect. If I've offended, let me know so I don't keep doing it. I don't easily pick up hints, LOL.

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[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] starcryst
that's awesome.


[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
I'm incredibly hard to offend, I want more of people like you here, we'll all teach each other something


[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] lammbbb
I think most of us have been members of at least one other kind of writing group

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[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] josisofer
@David T Etheredge - Inference , transition us out if you would


[8/28/2026 7:38 PM] lutherintaralomya
actually not me lol -cries-

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
The entire architecture is akin to a labyrinth. or a puzzle. readers can read it surface level, fine. or they can find the hidden meaning and find more.

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] lutherintaralomya
Ive been wanting to be in one for years


[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] lammbbb
Honestly, Chet, even if I did not agree with your notes I'd vastly prefer them to the ones I got at many of the in-person writing groups I've attended over the years.

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] chet_sandberg
No, I mean prior to this specific experience. I've been flayed alive in the funniest fashions in prior critique groups, so I just sort of absorbed the style. Nothing is meant to be mean is all I'm saying.

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] josisofer
Don't worry, we're nice here, and this is only my second one

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376
and THANK YOU, all, for the feedback. i didn't throw up or anything.

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I've had critiques from writers.. good stuff that has helped

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] starcryst
Thank you all for joining us for WRITE CLUB. We thank you for sharing your most precious resource, your time!

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[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] lutherintaralomya
my critiques are like long chapters myself and there barley anything bad -.-


[8/28/2026 7:39 PM] josisofer
@VesperLRayne , you're a great critiquer too, thanks for your private feedback again

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[8/28/2026 7:40 PM] lammbbb
Most of them came back the next week having very clearly not read the story and just saying "yeah it was okay" while I have a whole page of printed notes for theirs


[8/28/2026 7:40 PM] lammbbb
I'm so glad this place is different

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[8/28/2026 7:40 PM] starcryst
Now join us in the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self promotion!


[8/28/2026 7:40 PM] josisofer
It's a skill, you don't walk into a room with it, I've only been in a group for 5 months total


[8/28/2026 7:41 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
I think as long as you are honest in what you are saying, and intend well that is really wall that matters- like. you are actively trying to help the person.  we always ask at the beginning what kind of feed back they want and adjust accordingly.

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[8/28/2026 7:42 PM] vesperlrayne_04128
ugh sorry my typos bc eating doritos

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[8/28/2026 7:42 PM] josisofer
If you can do with funny and style, flay me when it's my turn again, I'll appreciate if it helps the work get stronger

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