============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-29-26-eggsaviour1001 ============================================================== [8/11/2026 8:36 PM] panache. https://eggsavior1001.substack.com/p/the-triune-deer?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=7jrhtu {Embed} https://eggsavior1001.substack.com/p/the-triune-deer?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=7jrhtu The Triune Deer My first fantasy story I've published here. I hope you like it. I will be posting this story on RoyalRoad.com https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/FfFIDOMWj2iMFJ5dUukkpFm7YFfAn5a8eMO43cmaM2s/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21WnpJ%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Fd67c8426-7079-4777-8e4b-bf352afe2d96_1064x725.png {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/29/2026 12:04 PM] ladylazarus2235 (Parking here to remind myself to be here tonight.) {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 6:11 PM] starcryst @everyone see you all here at 7pm EST! If you want to help promote tonight's story, you know what to do! https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-325512275 {Embed} https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-325512275 David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge) Tonight at Write Club we have @eggsavior1001’s story The Triune Deer. Read the story below and join us at 7pm EST at http://WriteClub.Chat to share feedback, constructive critique and questions with the author. It’s fun! https://eggsavior1001.substack.com/p/the-triune-deer? https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/VXlXeHjiTs83LDR6eW692y904F3eAViQSVVIxnkK3Xc/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21KY76%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252Fd3fd6f98-1aa5-4329-b3a4-333d0b53d6f6_1672x941.png {Reactions} 💯 (6) 🤘 (5) ❤️ (4) 🔥 (4) [8/29/2026 6:26 PM] panache. Dude that looks so good {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 6:45 PM] lammbbb I enjoyed it a lot {Reactions} 💯 ❤️ [8/29/2026 6:56 PM] panache. For everyones clarity I'm eggsavior, I just couldn't change my name on here {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 👍 (2) [8/29/2026 6:57 PM] bluesky8_ This was a really good story {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 6:58 PM] chet_sandberg Are we doing crit now? Or is everyone just giving general encouragement? [8/29/2026 6:58 PM] snowpuppie You can right click on the server, go to "edit per- server profile" and change your name just here for this discord server 🙂 [8/29/2026 6:58 PM] somedesertrat general encouragement, I think {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 6:58 PM] chet_sandberg Full frontal? [8/29/2026 6:58 PM] snowpuppie David will MC [8/29/2026 6:59 PM] snowpuppie he'll be here shortly to kick off the crtique session officially [8/29/2026 6:59 PM] panache. It worked {Reactions} memes_dog_dance foxParty ❤️ [8/29/2026 6:59 PM] snowpuppie Glad to be of assistance 🙂 [8/29/2026 7:00 PM] panache. You seem excited for the full frontal;) [8/29/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/present-mic-yamada-hizashi-7 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/present-mic-yamada-hizashi-7 Present Mic Yamada Hizashi https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/qcPOe-mJjPOzFz1lc0V4YLyYbX37tCACkQS3DohmcVY/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e7539ef2aad336edaa067c28ee130b3c/2c/f9/MjEbBsKBGqDY.webp {Reactions} ❤️ (2) foxParty [8/29/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst It's time for WRITE CLUB! [8/29/2026 7:01 PM] chet_sandberg You didn't see my perv mustache? Bro? I' m just asking because I've typed up a bunch as though it's full frontal, so I don't know what I'll have to change. [8/29/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei Akiba Maid Senso Otagei https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/CTz6JLPaOOYlE6uUgcjZ943ZqOtX7LJ6vaJtCksCOzQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/a8ada81afc59159ea5c8927feffa2e31/f3/dc/3FCsT5Zm2ooNP9AI.webp [8/29/2026 7:01 PM] chet_sandberg 👋 [8/29/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst If you are new, here is something for you to read! {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1536891086658863174/1543395158257569912/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f780&is=6ab7a600&hm=4eeb7588495f785812e116f367b250e9aebb8a8067e5dfa5be3c7352d5c56127& {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst @eggsavior1001 what kind of critique would you like this evening? Bambi or Full Frontal? [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] panache. haha i see what you did there with bambi. Full frontal is fine. For context though this is my first ever piece of fiction [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] lammbbb 🙋 [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst For everyone else when you are ready to share, please raise your hand emoji thingie! [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] chet_sandberg 👋 [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] somedesertrat 👋 [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] snowpuppie 👋 [8/29/2026 7:02 PM] erisindex 👋 [8/29/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst And when you are finished with feedback, please remember to say DONE! [8/29/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst @Lunetois GO! [8/29/2026 7:03 PM] erisindex Uh oh [8/29/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst Do we have a Disco? {Reactions} 🤣 [8/29/2026 7:04 PM] chet_sandberg A what, now? [8/29/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb > He gathered Bravery’s pelt and brushed off the dirt. He placed it back on the buck’s shoulders like an attendant dressing his liege. Bravery, my liege, you served your purpose well. Live in the wood, prey for the hunter, lesson for the king. Few nobler animals have lived. {Reactions} 🔥 ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst THERE he is. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:04 PM] lammbbb I found this story quite good. I listened to it while putting together a pot roast and it made me think of the animal the food had come from. I found the story touching, as well. I enjoyed the struggle of each character; the excitement of the hunter, the sorrow of the elf, the begrudging acceptance of the young prince. A lot of people these days rail against 'morally grey' storytelling but I really enjoy characters that go through things like this. I went through a lot of stuff like this in my life as well; warring morality mingling with sorrow and fear. In my thirties I've vanquished these struggles in exchange mostly for self-hatred and jaded skepticism, but for so much of my life I was essentially told to shit or get off the pot with these kinds of feelings I appreciate seeing characters actually go through them and figure them out at pace. As far as fantasy storytelling goes, it's perfectly adequate. Nothing truly groundbreaking, but the sort of classical fantasy setting elements are used as shorthand so that we can cut through the metaphorical bullshit and focus on the characters. I don't know if this is my background as something of a woodsman from a rural area, but I felt right at home here. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 [8/29/2026 7:05 PM] lammbbb My criticism is that it's slow. I don't mind it, I enjoyed it all the way through. The beginning was very cozy for me, but I think that people will have trouble getting into it unless they are patient. With that said, I'm guilty of the same thing. I personally prefer a charitable reader who is willing to invest in something; but I have been told it is not a recipe for success. I'm sure I'm not the only person to say this, but I feel you should hear it if success on Substack is something you wish. {Reactions} 💯 (4) 🔥 [8/29/2026 7:05 PM] lammbbb Question: You're putting this on Royal Road, according to the article. So am I to understand this is part of a series? Wordcount? Done? Self-pub? {Reactions} 👍 ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:05 PM] lammbbb I'm done. [8/29/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst @Chet_Sandberg GO! [8/29/2026 7:05 PM] chet_sandberg Holy info-dump. So much exposition. Filter, filter, filter, equivocating filter (“could see”). Where’s the inciting incident? Where is the character with a problem? I don’t care about your world, your lore, or anything else until you make me care about your character. This is where your story should start: ““This is where I start the cut behind the ribs right?” Jeremy paused his work on the deer’s neck “Are you going to ask me every time?” “It’s the best part on him, I don’t want to lose any meat. You just said don’t be wasteful!” “Just do it, you can’t second guess yourself for the rest of your life.” (<—best dialogue in the whole piece! Very good! Natural!) Conflict! Something interesting! Backfill the world after you establish the nature of the character, some resistance, and something that makes the reader curious enough to WANT to know all of that. Dialogue needs work. Too stiff/formal/etc. I have difficulty believing any of these people are flesh and blood based on how they talk. Assignment? Read Elmore Leonard—and for all that is holy, remember that people of all castes and cultures use contractions! When you don’t use them for your dialogue (and I’d argue for a really strong voice, they should be in the narration, too), it reads as inauthentic. {Reactions} 👍 ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:06 PM] chet_sandberg Despite all this, I really did feel bad when the violence happened. It had the intended effect. It needs to be more real, and it needs to cut away all the exposition. Don’t tell us what elves are. We don’t care yet. We CAN’T be curious about it, because you’re telling us in the narration like it’s a book report. There are other ways to ameliorate this, like a very strong voice. With a strong enough voice, you can do pretty much anything. See Douglas Adams (just assume you aren’t brilliant enough to make that style work, because I don’t know anyone else who has). But this isn’t a strong voice. This is a voice that attempts to get out of the way (nothing at all wrong with that, BTW), but can’t, because there isn’t realism behind it. That and the filters, which distance the reader and prevent him or her from entering the piece. These are hunger pressed people? I should feel that. You can reveal so much not only by the minor worries and stresses they feel (Sarah really needs me. Or, anything else that’s reflective of the way stressed people think—but not “on the nose.” Not, “As you well know, our king/prince/lordling will kill us if they catch us poaching.” They DO well know. They’re not going to talk about it on the nose like that because they don’t have to. I’m not going to explain how engines work when I say I’m going to the store for pickles. I ain’t explaining any of it, because I’m not speaking or narrating entirely on behalf of the reader. The reader is an eavesdropper, not a student in a class who wants to know how your world works like a Wikipedia page. Lastly, you can ignore everything I’ve said and still find a way to get it to work. I’m showing SOME ways, but not THE way. Getting good at dialogue forgives a LOT of sins. {Reactions} 👍 (2) ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:06 PM] chet_sandberg DONE [8/29/2026 7:06 PM] starcryst @Carl Price GO! [8/29/2026 7:07 PM] somedesertrat General Thoughts: I liked reading this. I truly did. There's a language to it that reminds me of classical fantasy literature at times. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) [8/29/2026 7:07 PM] somedesertrat You exercise a very evocative method of narration that is distinctive between the scenes, I'm basing this off the opening where the focus is on Xereli the elf vs the scenes focusing on the humans. This is actually a unique stylistic choice that I would have liked to have seen more of. {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 (2) [8/29/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat @Lunetois stole my favorite line out of this piece. It actually made me feel for the deer, even though that might not have been the purpose [8/29/2026 7:08 PM] somedesertrat Constructive: Without any clear indicators of when there was a scene change or POV swap, I found myself having to reread passages to make certain that I had not missed anything. This is most obvious when the focus shifts from Xereli to Garret and Jeremy and occurs again when the focus shifts to Prince James and his entourage. Either smoothing the transition between the scenes or using a divider if you want to keep the sudden POV shift can fix this. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:09 PM] somedesertrat The overall sizes of the paragraphs actually took away from scenes where there was supposed to be a sense of urgency or tension. The scene that I think was impacted the most by this was the father and son poaching. The criminal act they were committing felt more like a leisurely stroll through the forest (no pun intended) and I felt very little conflict from the son regarding either the act of trespassing, or making his first kill. By breaking the paragraphs down, you can let the subject of them breathe, and allow the reader to digest the information better. {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 (3) [8/29/2026 7:09 PM] somedesertrat With such a large cast of characters, and with such a unique setting, the instances of dialogue would benefit greatly from dialogue or action tags. I found myself losing track of who was supposed to be speaking when, and that prevented me from forming clear character voices, which sadly, made almost everyone (except for Grimblo the halfman) sound the same. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 (2) [8/29/2026 7:09 PM] somedesertrat DONE [8/29/2026 7:09 PM] starcryst @Lisa N Snowe GO! [8/29/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie A lovely, moving piece about the worth of life. Bravery, Garrett, Jeremy - all victims because of how different beings perceived Bravery differently: as a friend, as necessary food and simply as property. Quite an interesting exploration of this concept. [8/29/2026 7:09 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Lines: “Even in death, the deer emerged from the undergrowth instead of being discovered: one final show of sovereignty.” << Such an unexpected and beautiful line. You painted him mythically earlier on, and then preserve it even through his death. It made his death feel even more tragic because that is what Xireli saw in him. Lovely character work for Bravery. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie “You are everything and you are nothing, my friend. Significant and irrelevant.” << Bravery is both just another deer of the forest, to be harvested for food, and yet he is also a beloved friend of Xireli's. Xireli treats his remains with reverence, with tenderness, illustrating that Bravery's life was never meaningless. I got the feels here (but I'm a sap for sap, so....) [8/29/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Scene: When Xireli tends to Bravery's corpse. All the waste - his life gone, his meat now gone, the people he would have sustained now gone - is somehow righted just a little bit here, with the way Xireli reverently tends to his friend. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/29/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Critique: I had a little problem with the POV switches and following characters. And, the hunting party scene in the middle feels like it takes just a wee bit to long to finally come upon Garrett and Jeremy? There may be opportunity to tighten that up, but that's completely your call. [8/29/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie Question: Does this story reach the stuffed snake high for you (this made me laugh in your bio on SS)? And where did the inspiration to write about a deer and the worth of his life come from? {Reactions} ❤️ 🔥 [8/29/2026 7:10 PM] snowpuppie DONE [8/29/2026 7:10 PM] ladylazarus2235 👋 [8/29/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst @Eris Index GO! [8/29/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex WC–Favorite lines: “It was as if this creature dwelled outside of reality and melted into existence upon a whim.” I could see this so clearly. The slow reveal of the antlers in the grass was already beautiful, and then this made Bravery feel almost otherworldly. {Reactions} ❤️ 💯 [8/29/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex “Even in death, the deer emerged from the undergrowth instead of being discovered: one final show of sovereignty.” My favorite line. Even dead, Bravery somehow controls the moment in which he is seen. Sovereignty was the perfect word. {Reactions} ❤️ 💯 [8/29/2026 7:11 PM] erisindex “You existed to the Elves, to me, because I named you. Because I followed you.” Ouch. Xereli named him, followed him year after year, collected his sheds, and watched him grow from a calf. He knew this deer. That made the ending hurt. {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/29/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex Favorite scenes:--Garret taking his first shot. He is scared, his father is pushing him, and his family needs the meat. I did not want him to kill Bravery, but I could not hate him for doing it either. Xereli finding Bravery. Putting the pelt back over him, covering his neck, and taking the antlers before they touched the ground felt like a burial. {Reactions} 💯 ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex Criticism: The section with James felt a little long once the pursuit began. Garret is running, Jeremy has been captured, and everything should feel urgent, but some of James’s thoughts slow it down. We already know he is sickened by what he is doing. I would trim some of that explanation and keep the chase moving. {Reactions} 💯 [8/29/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex Overall: I liked this, and it became much sadder than I expected. Garret and Jeremy complicated everything for me because they were feeding their family. I cared about Bravery, but I also did not want James and his men to catch them. The mention of the newly empty farmhouse near the end 😢. There were people waiting for Garret and Jeremy to return. Then the wind reaches Xereli’s antler chimes, reminding the readers that he'll keep grieving Bravery for a long while after. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:12 PM] erisindex DONE [8/29/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst @Alexis Wright Author GO! [8/29/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst @Alexis Wright Author Ye there? [8/29/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst I see she's on a phone and may be typing an answer out that we can't see here. [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst while we wait -- anyone lurking who'd like to share? [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] bluesky8_ I have one ready! ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst raise your hand! [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] .revanarchy 👋 [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] starcryst @Alex GO! [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] bluesky8_ Favorite line: "The deer's umber orbs drifted to Xereli, he froze, wriggles his nose, blinked slowly and then resumed his meal. He took slow, plodding steps, ripping clovers from the ground." I love this line because the imagery is immaculate and I could see it clear as day in my mind. Favorite scenes: I loved the opening scene because it set the mood for the rest of the story and the respect for nature, especially when Xereli is paying an ode to Bravery, which was absolutely beautiful writing, by the way. I loved the court scenes with the men and when they announced that the prize buck had been poached. By then, I was fully immersed in the story. {Reactions} 🔥 (3) ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] ladylazarus2235 I’m here! Sorry {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] bluesky8_ Criticism: You bounce between POVS so much that at first, I had a very hard time determining who was who and what their role was in the story though the plot is easy to follow. Also, your paragraphs are quite long. I suggest that when you have a new thought, like a musical phrase, make a lift and start a new paragraph. Xereli's role, I felt I didn't really understand why he was there, so I would definitely focus on making him more of a central perspective, maybe throughout the entire story? Just a suggestion. But I deeply enjoyed this story! And my heart broke for the prize buck. We also never, at least I probably missed it, got an answer for what happened to Jeremy's son. If he did make an appearance toward the end, I suggest making his appearance clearer or at least giving the reader a hint of what happened. It felt a little unresolved in that department. I do think that this entire story could be expanded and broken down into several chapters with each POV getting its own turn. Though I disagreed with Jeremy and son's actions because the deer is so beautiful, I found myself feeling somewhat sorry for Jeremy. However, I do think that his humanity could be explored a little more. Your writing is absolutely brilliant, I only wish I could write with such eloquence. The part that hurt my heart the most was the grapes and then him realizing it was the lungs. I understand that they needed food, but it made the heartstrings pull and eyes mist over. I love your story! I think it has potential to be bigger, too. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ (4) 💗 (2) [8/29/2026 7:15 PM] bluesky8_ DONE! [8/29/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst Okay @Alexis Wright Author {Reactions} 📱 [8/29/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst then Lord Bader [8/29/2026 7:18 PM] starcryst @Joshua Bader Go ahead - we'll let Alexis drop hers in when ready [8/29/2026 7:18 PM] .revanarchy This is a very strange piece for me. Its a fantastic piece. Its a piece that needs an editor with a machete. Its very Tolkien-esque, both for good and for bad. Its so beautiful it makes me want to cry. I can feel the deer's hide beneath my fingers, see his muscles. But I don't need to sit and stare at his muscles or know every texture of his antlers. There's a great story here... but it gets lost in the handpainted details. {Reactions} 💯 (3) ❤️ (3) 👍 (2) 🔥 [8/29/2026 7:19 PM] ladylazarus2235 Overall I really liked this. I thought the voice was earnest and lovely, and that you have a sensibility for fantasy in spite of being new to the genre. Sometimes writers get self conscious about how elements like talking deer can feel to an adult audience and it comes through like THEY think it’s cringe. I didn’t get that from this story, you believed and so I believed. I agree with a lot of what Chet said about your pacing and priorities as a storyteller, but I would disagree about the dialogue. The father and son talking were my favorite part. I thought the perspective changes were jarring and difficult to track but overall the emotional impact landed. I thought it was sophisticated how I felt for the deer, the elf, and the hunters all at once. {Reactions} ❤️ 💯 [8/29/2026 7:19 PM] .revanarchy Its way too long for Substack in its current form. But Im not sure there's an easy breaking point to separate it in to chapters. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🔥 (2) [8/29/2026 7:20 PM] .revanarchy Done [8/29/2026 7:20 PM] lammbbb eheheheh I am surprised how few people like the deertroduction {Reactions} 😂 (3) [8/29/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst @Alexis Wright Author Done? [8/29/2026 7:20 PM] starcryst Anyone else want to share before I go? [8/29/2026 7:20 PM] ladylazarus2235 Done! [8/29/2026 7:21 PM] ladylazarus2235 I am learning, sorry {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🫂 (3) [8/29/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst If you are new and lurking -- we'd love to hear from you! [8/29/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst Not a problem! 🙂 {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:21 PM] somedesertrat all good 🙂 [8/29/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst Okay I'm going to go and while I do, if you are ready, raise a hand and you can go after me. [8/29/2026 7:21 PM] starcryst General feedback: There is a beautiful story in here. The three act sequence with epilogue was strong. The story being told was strong. There were some very lovely lines in the story. But I'd like to see the story shorter with the best elements more concentrated. {Reactions} 👆 (3) 🔥 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst I like the "Deertroduction" as Lune put it [8/29/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst The fourth act had the best writing and we need to get there faster. 🙂 I'd recommend going through an pruning every sentence to remove the bits that are weakest, so the strong elements shine through. Such as: {Reactions} 🔥 (3) 💯 (3) [8/29/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst Favorite lines: All elves loved nature in general, some loved trees, others flowers, but Xereli loved deer. <<< love this line for its character expo, but maybe stronger without "in general"? {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst This is a perfect example of how to shorten this story IMHO [8/29/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst Elves loved nature, some loved trees, others flowers, but Xereli loved deer. [8/29/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst that says the same thing, better in 3 less words. [8/29/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst If you prune everything like that -- what's left is your strongest voice and we get to the story faster. [8/29/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst The man practically spit into his eardrum as he spoke. <<< lovely line for intimacy, tension and fear. Nice. [8/29/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst You have great writerly instincts -- that is a fantastic line [8/29/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst its says three things at once. [8/29/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Nice! [8/29/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Xereli whispered a few arcane words and touched Bravery’s antlers. They fell softly into his hand that waited below, so they would never touch the ground. <<< Beautiful! [8/29/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst This is a line that gets the feels going. {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/29/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Critique: resplendent deer. <<< describe what makes the deer resplendent instead of using the adjective? [8/29/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst I think I'd recommend pruning adjectives and adverbs first. {Reactions} this (4) 👆 (3) 💯 (2) [8/29/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst Can we get a horizontal line or some other break before switching to Garret & Jeremy? Also from them to Prince Codwall? [8/29/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst Line breaks between POV switches will immediately make the story stronger {Reactions} YES ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst out is if it approached from behind. <<< tense switch from past to present (is) [8/29/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst A tense pass with an editor or AI would fix all these issues in a few minutes [8/29/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst Garret was caught between stunning self reflective clarity and canine compulsion. The muscles in his arms were both frozen and jerking against the chains of his required inaction. <<< this was difficult to parse. this is where you are trying to write literature. You are best when you write simpler like your antler line at the end. [8/29/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst You are a GREAT storyteller. You will clearly become an excellent writer -- the bones are there. Good job. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst DONE [8/29/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst anyone else want to go? [8/29/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst @steffie GO! [8/29/2026 7:28 PM] rubygs Sorry I'm late. Everything is was gonna say has already been said but I really loved piece. Fantasy is my jam and deer elf was an awesome concept {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/29/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst Okay @eggsavior1001 any final words for the room? [8/29/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst btw -- this is REALLY strong for a first story. {Reactions} 💯 (3) [8/29/2026 7:30 PM] panache. do I answer the questions here? I want to say thank you everyone. It means so much to have this many people read my story and give feedback. Takeaways i have: line breaks are deeply needed. Fun little story, one of the people that read this told me to remove them haha. Find a way to get to the action sooner, and finally, trim things down. Probably could get the dialogue dialed in more and finally shorter paragraphs. Also you're probably right about it being too long for substack {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/29/2026 7:30 PM] starcryst Okay that's it for WRITE CLUB for tonight. Thank you ALL for coming and sharing your most precious resource, your TIME. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🔥 [8/29/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst Yes you can answer questions as you like -- people will come back to read your answers [8/29/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst Now we're off to the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shamless self promotion! Night y'all! [8/29/2026 7:33 PM] panache. It is the first part of a three part series I'm working on. I'm currently in the editing stages of the second part, it is a single POV of Hermris, Xereli and Grimblo going off to save Verintel who was kidnapped by Prince James. I put that bit about Royal Road because I almost feel like it might be a good place for me to put my work since it is fantasy. Jury's still out on that. [8/29/2026 7:33 PM] lammbbb I have been approved to post on RR but have not done so yet [8/29/2026 7:33 PM] lammbbb A lot of people tell me it is very good for fantasy [8/29/2026 7:34 PM] panache. It does not lol but I'm working on getting there. Inspiration was that I wanted to write a fantasy story about how different people can view hunting. I hunt myself and used my experience to flesh out what Garrett was going through. [8/29/2026 7:34 PM] lammbbb The userbase was described to me as "mostly young men who have low standards for excellence and a bottomless hunger for LitRPG, dark fantasy, and haremlit" [8/29/2026 7:35 PM] panache. Yeaaaa thats basically what it is right now [8/29/2026 7:35 PM] panache. lol [8/29/2026 7:35 PM] lammbbb I personally have held off on posting there because of the time sink and a feeling like maybe they would not like my somewhat faggy male lead [8/29/2026 7:37 PM] panache. loooooool [8/29/2026 7:38 PM] bluesky8_ This is entirely accurate [8/29/2026 7:44 PM] lammbbb There's no such thing as a bad reader, I guess [8/29/2026 7:51 PM] fictionshroom I'm late but I have some! [8/29/2026 7:51 PM] fictionshroom A fresh set of heart-shaped tracks were apparent in his blessed vision, he was close. >> Wonderful little piece of characterization. Really shows the love he has for the deer friends in this one sentence. [8/29/2026 7:51 PM] fictionshroom The imagery of the prose is pure poetry as he describes Bravery it is lovely. wind clacked Bravery’s old crowns together as if to greet him in a hollow wooden melody. >> I can hear this. [8/29/2026 7:52 PM] fictionshroom It was as if this creature dwelled outside of reality and melted into existence upon a whim. The buck’s antlers were massive, branches defiantly stabbing at the sky. They were testaments to the vigor of the beast and every time Garret tried to count the points he lost track. The deer was still in the treeline taunting him and testing his patience. >> Buck fever [8/29/2026 7:52 PM] lutherintaralomya sorry late -.- fibro was killing me had to sleep it off {Reactions} ❤️ (2) 🫂 (3) [8/29/2026 7:52 PM] fictionshroom He could see the meat and fat rippling with each step. The buck paused and looked right at him. He could feel his father looking at him too. Please don’t mess this up. Garret pleaded with himself. >> I really want him to get this deer, at the same time the rippling meat and fat also creates this visual of power. Lions and bulls ripple when they walk. This is a majestic and mighty beast. [8/29/2026 7:52 PM] fictionshroom Even in death, the deer emerged from the undergrowth instead of being discovered: one final show of sovereignty. Its eyes stared blankly at the poachers, but Garret still felt it measuring him somehow. >> This is beautiful and so sad [8/29/2026 7:52 PM] fictionshroom All the useful meat was harvested from the animal, which was somehow more obscene than the poaching itself. They had taken its legs, the neck meat, and the inner and outer backstraps. The buck’s fur was tossed to the side haphazardly. “Of course they would take a deer of this quality in one of the new clover patches. The spot is ruined for solo hunts now.” >> the juxtaposition of the respect the father and son showed despite the poaching and the need for food, versus the prince’s contempt for them for ruining the specimen. [8/29/2026 7:53 PM] fictionshroom Simply the thought of this level of malice towards a person, regardless of their crimes or station, gave James the sensation of falling off of a horse. James knew why they were supposed to hunt, it was supposed to harden them, to teach him to command his men, but this was too close to the real thing. That was a man cowering on the forest floor, not some unruly boar or vicious wolf. Then, a darker and more certain realization came to James, better to learn now than to risk it in the field >> and then we have the prince being humanized somewhat here, but he has to steel his resolve so to speak because he is expected to be harsh and cold for a reason Garret’s blood pooled under him and unlike a normal hunt, all James felt was guilt and horror when he should have felt triumph and ecstasy. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:53 PM] fictionshroom Bravery.” He could only whisper while his celestial eyes observed his charge. It felt like he wasn’t even there. Someone else’s skin had tears running down their cheeks. Someone else’s sobs wracked his body. They couldn’t be his own, he was so absorbed in his accounting. Xereli pushed himself up from the ground. When did I fall to my knees? He gathered Bravery’s pelt and brushed off the dirt. He placed it back on the buck’s shoulders like an attendant dressing his liege. Xereli hid the shame of Bravery’s neck in a similar fashion but there was nothing more he could do. He knew the forest creatures were coming to complete the circle of life. They would come to return his friend’s body to the earth from whence it came. Xereli brushed Bravery’s face. >> I wanted the family to eat and this still breaks my heart [8/29/2026 7:54 PM] panache. So really focus on pacing and length in the sequel right guys? [8/29/2026 7:54 PM] fictionshroom This story does such an excellent job of getting the reader with each characters point of view. Each of them van be relates to and sympathized with in each scene. It was a joy to be with Xereli as he followed Bravery through the forest and admired him, waiting for more antler drops. It was tense with the father and son committing poachery in search of a meal for their family. And I felt for Garret as he went through his right of passage, his anxiety at his skill level, not being ready, not wanting to fail and his dad encouraging him.the whole way. When we meet the callous royals, they're even given some humanity in the end when there is the struggle with the difficulty of enforcing the poaching laws and hunting another human being. And then when it comes full circle with Xereli finding Bravery slain and giving him a proper send off. Very well done. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 7:59 PM] lutherintaralomya I loved that we got three different POV's but I was lost as I was telling about adding the scene breaks in. After I read ahead, I was like, ah, ok, where at a different point. But I got so many vibes from this. I play World of Warcraft, so I definitely felt as if the elf was replaced by a tauren who was following Malorne (also known as Apa'ro by the tauren), a major forest demigod and Ancient Guardian, instead of Bravery here. Also felt Disney vibes here, mostly from Pocahontas. Sorry, I don't have the best critique of this. But I'm eager to read more {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 8:02 PM] .revanarchy I think it also depends on who you want to be as a writer. Because this is Tolkien level writing. And there are people who are absolutely hear for that. I personally read all of Tolkien once and will never read him again, but different strokes. I do think it needs editing and some light trim, but if this is your voice, roll with it. [8/29/2026 8:03 PM] panache. Would you believe I've only read the Hobbit and didn't care for it {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/29/2026 8:03 PM] lutherintaralomya you know same with me I read Hobbit at 7 and was meh but the movies and everything else love it lol [8/29/2026 8:04 PM] panache. The follow up is hermeris xereli and grimblo going on an adventure to save verintel from prince james. All from Hermeris’s pov [8/29/2026 8:04 PM] panache. But what inspired me to start writing was r scott bakkers work and he's clearly inspired by Tolkien and I read alot of Robert Jordan so yea [8/29/2026 8:05 PM] lutherintaralomya that is awesome I've read some Robert Jordan before not Scott bakker [8/29/2026 8:07 PM] panache. Best thing I've ever read. Its not for everyone at all but everything I read and write from this point on is compared in my head to his work [8/29/2026 8:08 PM] lutherintaralomya That's great to have someone who inspires you to write 😄 [8/29/2026 8:20 PM] spitz79 I'm so sorry I missed your Write Club. I really liked the texture and detail. I do agree with some people here that you can trim a little of the exposition and show it through POV experience via sense work instead of telling the reader. But your prose style is elegant and beautifully rich, just a little too much of it. 🙂 I'm glad you shared it with us! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/29/2026 9:15 PM] panache. I still appreciate you checking in though [8/29/2026 10:25 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 dang it i'm so sorry I missed it. Like: It was a beautiful story. Some of the prose was breathtaking. And heartbreaking. Criticism: the paragraphs were uniformly long, and my brain needed a breath between in a few places it didn't get so it felt a little dragged. That's a me thing, but worth saying. The scene-change thing was real too (someone shared earlier) I needed a beat there too. Some of the sentences are doubled in the way one would have sufficed to make it sharper and less lyrical. beautiful writing. really. favorite random: I like that I didn't struggle over any of the character names. Easy to read is easy to absorb. {Reactions} 👍 (2) [8/30/2026 9:12 AM] panache. Thank you I'm sorry happy you read mine in return! I'm going to work on those paragraphs! ============================================================== Exported 166 message(s) ==============================================================