============================================================== Guild: Write Club Channel: Archives-2026-August / 08-31-26-kevin-hayman ============================================================== [8/23/2026 10:14 AM] starcryst @Kevin Prime story link here please - let's go baby! [8/23/2026 10:14 AM] kotaotan On it! https://kotaotan.substack.com/p/the-errant-apprentice-book-1-chapter?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=6zajdp {Embed} https://kotaotan.substack.com/p/the-errant-apprentice-book-1-chapter?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=6zajdp The Errant Apprentice Book 1 - Chapter 1 The Last Dragon https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/FPwFLUA90JESqTX-G07ZDj1smNdCw2wJKBiV52RV0Xk/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21QFci%21%2Cw_1200%2Ch_675%2Cc_fill%2Cf_jpg%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep%2Cg_auto/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F98387701-7a97-40ee-8532-ca2e9e4a32cd_1000x333.jpeg {Reactions} 👀 [8/23/2026 10:29 AM] kotaotan Cover for book one. {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1541080428004384898/1541092084608663612/newbook1cover02.jpg?ex=6ab92859&is=6ab7d6d9&hm=546ce8f4b1d002974cd4e1202267ebc9c290e0be14a1cd60be53880b76a59b93& {Reactions} ❤️ (3) happygem [8/30/2026 4:57 PM] starcryst Content Warning: || Animal harm & death || {Reactions} 👆 [8/31/2026 5:53 PM] .revanarchy I was hoping for Gobin Bistro, but I enjoyed this immensely and restacked it. I don't know if Ill make it to the live session or not, but I'll leave comments if I miss it. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 6:01 PM] .revanarchy I do think I have a question before we begin: what genre is this? [8/31/2026 6:05 PM] kotaotan I've been on the fence about that. Hopepunk is one thing it's been called but Urban Fantasy or Modern Fantasy I suppose. [8/31/2026 6:08 PM] starcryst @Kevin Prime good? {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1541080428004384898/1544106650804420628/0beaf82d-1632-4836-8915-800b0c106d83.png?ex=6ab8eb21&is=6ab799a1&hm=83bdd82ac78f90786c39682e4f9d4aaab099a20bd9257574c6679b7d6349abb5& [8/31/2026 6:09 PM] kotaotan It works! {Reactions} 👍 [8/31/2026 6:12 PM] starcryst @everyone join us tonight at 7pm EST for Write Club! And if you want to promote tonight's author, you know what to do: https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-326898982 {Embed} https://substack.com/profile/408299644-david-t-etheredge/note/c-326898982 David T Etheredge (@davidtetheredge) Tonight at Write Club, we have @Kevin Hayman - Writer’s story The Last Dragon. Read the story below and join us at 7pm EST on the http://WriteClub.Chat discord to share feedback and discussion with the author! https://kotaotan.substack.com/p/the-errant-apprentice-book-1-chapter https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/84QzFj4VVEEL3i08WtxPHAig0czwEKYNzLifsadd-6Y/https/substackcdn.com/image/fetch/%24s_%21CSOa%21%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep/https%253A%252F%252Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fpublic%252Fimages%252F3c7eeff7-9a10-47d8-8ccc-a799ff7e47d2_1448x1086.png {Reactions} happygem (6) fire (6) [8/31/2026 6:24 PM] bluesky8_ That was so good!!! I really enjoyed this so much {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 6:30 PM] kotaotan Thank you for that! I'm glad you enjoyed it! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 6:31 PM] josisofer Everybody remember to quote stack and restack to help people discover @Kevin Prime {Reactions} ❤️ (7) [8/31/2026 6:38 PM] snowpuppie I have to head over to help my mom. May I leave my feedback here, now? {Reactions} 💯 (2) [8/31/2026 6:38 PM] snowpuppie Or should I do it later? [8/31/2026 6:38 PM] snowpuppie Okies I'll just put it up here now then, ty! 😄 [8/31/2026 6:39 PM] snowpuppie @Kevin Prime I enjoyed this - all the characters are rich, even though you don't have a lot of expose. You let action tell much of the story, which I greatly appreciate! [8/31/2026 6:39 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Line(s): "Terry bolted upright in bed. The dream faded, and in his early waking moments, his mind readjusted itself to the new reality." << I feel like that every time I snap out of a daydream at work! XD Loved this - so relatable and I immediately understood what realities were important to Terry. [8/31/2026 6:39 PM] snowpuppie “There’s a booger out at Lethal’s place. Showed up pretty early and tore the fields up.” << Ok, uhm ... intrigued? I was curious if he meant someone they didn't like? But then.... [8/31/2026 6:39 PM] snowpuppie "Terry pulled the sheet over his head. “Can it at least wait till breakfast? I’ve been on hobgoblin patrol for days.” he shouted. << Wait, what? The monstrosities are real? I thought he had woken UP from the dream. This completely reset my expectations for the story and I realized THIS Mississippi was quite different. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 6:39 PM] snowpuppie “Chocolates?” Terry asked with a raised eyebrow. Ernest shrugged. “It takes a bite out of one, puts it back, bites into another, puts it back, bites another. You get the idea." << I already sort of like this dragon, even if I'm not supposed to (I mean, I like chocolates and eat a mystery box of them the same way, so I get him!). XD This was a lovely, humorous description that kept my expectations a little lighter, which was wonderfully apropos, because ... {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 6:40 PM] snowpuppie Favorite Scene: The entire dragon fight scene, from when he interupts the vehicular violation to when the dragon is tricked by coins and succumbs to his sword. I especially liked, "Was his life worth thirty-nine cents? May as well find out." << Also something I often think at work. XD This was a great character building scene: illustrating how Terry thought, how pragmatic he is, but also .. perhaps more creative than his Uncle Ernest gives him credit for. Perhaps we'll discover more as the story goes on about his hidden penchant for out of the box thinking, yes? {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 6:40 PM] snowpuppie Question: A tractor? I guess scales keep the metal edges from chaffing sensitive, uhm, parts? XD [8/31/2026 6:40 PM] snowpuppie DONE 🙂 {Reactions} 🤣 [8/31/2026 6:42 PM] snowpuppie Enjoy your feedback session - wish I could be here but duty calls. /wave {Reactions} 💗 (2) 🫂 [8/31/2026 6:44 PM] kotaotan Thank you for all that! I'm glad the whole hobgoblin thing threw you! I honestly forget that people having been in this world for 20 years with me sometimes! I am SO glad you enjoyed it though! As for the tractor... The scales do a wonderful job of protecting their... bits... I honestly think they do things like this out of spite sometimes. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ❤️ (2) dragon [8/31/2026 6:45 PM] snowpuppie I very much enjoyed it .. it has a lighthearted, Terry Pratchet sort of feel to it. ❤️ And you Ghostbuster cosplay is awesome 🙂 Ttyl! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 6:59 PM] loganraith I’m going to drop my notes as soon as I’m called and bail for a few (dishwashing duty or my amazing wife can’t make me amazing dinner). I’ll pop back in for afterparty when I’m done! {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/31/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/my-hero-academia-boku-no-hero-academia-74 My Hero Academia: Present Mic's Loud Quirk https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/th7VbMjxhdpOIFmvM-RBKhlisNyyZjbPHLsXrCxTtZI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/e293a233a303a98e471f78d04e13a1b0/fa/6e/SXEVPl8o.webp {Reactions} 🔥 (3) [8/31/2026 7:00 PM] starcryst @everyone It's time for Write Club! {Reactions} 🔥 (2) [8/31/2026 7:00 PM] kotaotan BONESAW IS READYYYYY! [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/akiba-maid-senso-otagei Akiba Maid Senso Otagei https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/CTz6JLPaOOYlE6uUgcjZ943ZqOtX7LJ6vaJtCksCOzQ/https/static.klipy.com/ii/a8ada81afc59159ea5c8927feffa2e31/f3/dc/3FCsT5Zm2ooNP9AI.webp [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] .revanarchy 👋 {Reactions} 👍 [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] re1nger 👋 [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] starcryst If you are new to Write Club, welcome! Here is something for you to read! {Attachments} https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1541080428004384898/1544119923880759337/Write_Club_Chat_Format.png?ex=6ab8f77e&is=6ab7a5fe&hm=e703ed57958573f1ca9fec5ddd342e1bbad8ce4b79c1536ab3418f6a05d4fd8e& [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] aiden_marquis 👋 [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat https://klipy.com/gifs/meme-spiderman-13 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/meme-spiderman-13 Meme Spiderman https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/0DNr3l49HUmMVIiwYP3esIYwU9HeEX-Nbah9ZK7rO04/https/static.klipy.com/ii/4493325008d34b7bf8cd6813cd5c1619/a8/e5/M04inCYoYU9LDWw4L.webp {Reactions} 😂 (2) 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] rubygs 👋 [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 👋 [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 👋 [8/31/2026 7:01 PM] somedesertrat 👋 [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst @Kevin Prime What kind of critique would you like tonight? Kobold or DRAGON {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] loganraith 👋 [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] kotaotan Oh, let's go with Dragon so there's no survivors! {Reactions} 🤣 (2) dragon [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst Noted. [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] josisofer 👋 [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] loganraith I clicked away for a minute! You savages and your lighting fast hand-raises…. {Reactions} ❤️ 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] josisofer I nominate @Logan Raith be allowed to go first [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] starcryst Okay if you are ready to share feedback please wave your yellow rubber dishwashing glove in the air. [8/31/2026 7:02 PM] loganraith Wooooo! [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] erisindex 👋 [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] josisofer He's on a time crunch [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] loganraith Fave lines: The “Mercy”. A pistol in name only, it fired huge caliber shells and kicked like a mule. It was a two-hander at the best of times. At the worst, it was a three-handed weapon. “Damned thing ‘mated’ his tractor into the ground and pushed it all around the field. After that it started eatin’ his cattle like a box of chocolates.” {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ 👍 [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] kotaotan This is like the line-up from Airplane with all the weapons. [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst and when you are finished, remember to say (and type) DONE [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] loganraith That’s one horny dragon. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst Logan is jumping the Q [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] loganraith Fave sequence: Oddly enough (and this is partly due to my feedback), the lead-up to the confrontation did more for me. It established the kind of world this is, Terry and Ernest’s relationship, gave us some gear descriptions. It was a fun intro for the kind of story this is going to be. {Reactions} 👍 ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:03 PM] starcryst he has places to be and people to do. {Reactions} 🔥 (5) 🤣 (4) [8/31/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith Other shoe. [8/31/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith Feedback: Not a lot, but one big one and one not-as-big one. But—big but here—the big one could be a non-issue based on all that comes in the rest of the book. Big: Terry, not yet a knight, slays his third dragon. He even stresses it himself with all caps—THIRD. Dragons are generally considered tasks for full parties or one very powerful knight. Again, there could be a reason for this, but it just hits wrong for me. Slaying one dragon solo seems like it should be enough for knighthood and lifelong bragging rights, but in this world, presumably, every single knight has to kill three dragons before knighthood (or similarly difficult tasks). How are there any left? I just have so many questions right out of the gate, and I’m not sure they’re all the right kind. On the same note, kid has enchanted armor with built-in Bags of Holding and an indestructible magic sword as a knight-in-training. I’ll keep reading, but I’m skeptical. Not-as-big: I’m sure you have a purpose for the dream, and the armor finding and dressing sequence is supposed to ground us in the specific genre but I would strongly urge you to cut straight to the drive. While you’re at it, some of the worldbuilding could be tightened. Anything that gets cut could be peppered in along the way. The dream in particular starts the chapter with the opposite of a bang. Then we’re into throat-clearing territory with Terry waking up, looking for armor, getting suited up. Jump right into the action, make the drive snappier, less exposition as exposition and more as dialogue, and this chapter would gain knighthood! If you want to hold onto the dream prior to the rest of the chapter, prologue that thing and make it exciting. Build it into an action sequence that freaking pushes the reader into chapter one, then you can slow down a little during that drive sequence (which I already like). Right now, the dream just sits there doing nothing but providing a plant that does not pat off in this chapter. {Reactions} ❤️ (6) 👍 [8/31/2026 7:04 PM] josisofer and I thought I was pervy {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:04 PM] starcryst Did I get that phrase wrong? [8/31/2026 7:04 PM] loganraith Questions: More of a demand. Please tell me this is a Bruce Leeroy reference. “Terry gripped the steering wheel and tried not to shake them off the road. This is it. The last dragon.” Also the chapter title 🙂 Overall: In spite of my lengthy constructive feedback, I REALLY like this premise. I like Terry and Ernest, and love their dialogue. The mix of modern life and ancient fantasy of this world is intriguing and fun. I wouldn’t give so many notes if I didn’t love the concept and believe you could crank up the quality. Your writing is solid—both descriptive and dialogue. I’ll be following this thing. DONE {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ❤️ (6) [8/31/2026 7:05 PM] starcryst @Joshua Bader GO! [8/31/2026 7:06 PM] .revanarchy Favorite Scene is actually the two of them scrambling to get the armor found and on. Pet peeve about instant plate in fantasy. Well written, funny without taking too long. (Totally disagree with Logan about this scene.) As rebuttal to Logan, this part including pockets of holding told me what world I was in. The dragon trying to mate with the tractor was a nice twist, particularly when you tied it to its identity as a red dragon in particular later on. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:07 PM] kotaotan I'm ALWAYS thinking of Bruce Leeroy. {Reactions} 🤣 (2) ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:08 PM] .revanarchy I do overlap a little with Logan on critique of the dream sequence, but maybe for different reasons. The first few paragraphs strongly signals Portal Fantasy, which is not my jam. If it wasn't for Write Club I probably would have walked away and never known this was not in fact Portal Fantasy or LitRPG Isekai. I think maybe it has a place, but I dont think you want it for your first chapter {Reactions} ❤️ (4) this (2) [8/31/2026 7:08 PM] .revanarchy Done [8/31/2026 7:08 PM] starcryst @re1nger GO! [8/31/2026 7:08 PM] re1nger Fav lines: "The silence stretched for an uncomfortable moment before Ernest snapped. “AND?!?” " >> that made me laugh Ernest is already favorite 😄 "As Terry double checked his weapon pockets, Ernest hopped up and sat on the hood of the truck. The old man whistled. “Now that,” he said, “is a big sumbitch.”" >> Haha Ernest's seen enough in life to know 😄 " It was a hard face, but the kind of hard you get from caring so much." >> lovely line, short yet tells me a lot about the character {Reactions} ❤️ (4) 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:08 PM] loganraith Sorry for all the typos! Fixed. [8/31/2026 7:08 PM] re1nger Gen Feedback: Very nice lore exposition, enough to inform readers of the context and not too overwhelming. Great character introduction, especially Ernest, I liked him a lot, perhaps more than MC lol. I really like the characters feel alive, the dialogue is well tailored for each one of them. Esp Ernest {Reactions} 🤣 (5) ☝️ (3) ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:09 PM] re1nger Crit: not so much I can say cuz its only a chapter so it usually serves as a lore exposition which it did well imo. Kinda read through dream sequence but it was okay {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:09 PM] re1nger Done [8/31/2026 7:09 PM] starcryst @Aiden Marquis GO! [8/31/2026 7:10 PM] aiden_marquis Favorite lines: "Terry pulled the sheet over his head. “Can it at least wait till breakfast? I’ve been on hobgoblin patrol for days.” he shouted. “It’s a red dragon and Lethal says it’s a doozy. Probably the size of a school bus. Biggest you’ve been up against so far.” He shook his head. “Damned thing ‘mated’ his tractor into the ground and pushed it all around the field. After that it started eatin’ his cattle like a box of chocolates.” The neck on the dragon inflated like a bullfrog and Terry gulped. It was mixing chemicals in its neck sack and as soon as it opened it’s mouth it was going to blast him with fire. Terry turned and dove into a trench just as the flames singed the hem of his coat and he ducked out of sight. He rolled and sat, back to the trench side as the flames continued above him. He panted from exertion. So much for that idea. Favorite scene: Honestly, Terry waking up while being harassed by his uncle. Lots of good characterization there. Feedback: There is a decent amount of background "telling" but it never feels overwrought as it seems you know how to place it so it feels like it belongs. Loved how you described the dragon mixing the chemicals in its throat to breathe fire. Shows worldbuilding and build anticipation/dread. In general, I loved how you mixed your background and personality with this fantasy. It's really endearing. My inner perfectionist thinks you could have split some of the paragraphs differently. Also thought maybe the fight escalated a bit quick from initial failed shooting to chucking coins and beheading Question: Also, when you kill a dragon in chapter 1 of book 1, what is there left to fight for the rest of the series!? Was this ever a concern of yours while writing the series? DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:11 PM] starcryst @steffie GO! [8/31/2026 7:11 PM] rubygs Favorite Lines:“It’s a dragon. If it was anything else, I’d let ya sleep after this week.”- I mean, I personally prefer stories where they aren’t after the dragon, but I get it. This tells me what we’ll be dealing with. “The Knight’s Last Resort,” it was often called. Terry had only had to use it a couple of times and he despised the thing. Last resort indeed.”-Seems like some foreshadowing! I Love it. “DO THAT LATER!” Ernest yelled. “CUT OFF THE HEAD, AND LET’S GET TO TOWN!”-Hilarious! {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:11 PM] kotaotan Might want to think on what he has in store! 😄 {Reactions} 😆 [8/31/2026 7:11 PM] rubygs Favorite Scene: “With a shout he thrust the sword between the two all the way to the bejeweled hilt.”-Well darn, it happened. Goodbye dragon. But it was a good blow. Critique:“It comes. Be strong.”-(Love this line, I don’t think the dragon is what the ‘It’ is but idk just me) -But after this line there should be a physical line break of some kind. The transition from the dream sequence feels too rough IMO. Questions: None! Looking forward to chapter 2! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:11 PM] rubygs Done [8/31/2026 7:12 PM] starcryst @Her Majesty of Ink and Exits GO! [8/31/2026 7:12 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 The writing is good — but it has a disconnect between the descriptive and the dialogue. Where your dialogue is fast and sharp, causal even, the descriptive slows. It makes for an odd pacing. I would recommend sharpening your descriptive paragraphs to be as quick as the motion of the characters and dialogue. Faster noticing for faster physical or emotional weather would sharpen it immensely. Some of the descriptive prose is beautiful, and completely at odds with the language of the characters which caused a bit of a whiplash too. Prose to redneck slang was a bit of a jolt. Least favorite lines: “Terry thought the sword was a thing of beauty.” “The dragon was now raking its claws along the side of the destroyed farm equipment, in the manner of dragons,” Most favorite lines: “The neck on the dragon inflated like a bullfrog and Terry gulped.” And “Like his family said though, fearlessness was for the foolish and the dead.” DONE. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:12 PM] bluesky8_ 👋 [8/31/2026 7:13 PM] starcryst @lauriemacNorCal GO! [8/31/2026 7:13 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite line(s): “Like his family said though, fearlessness was for the foolish and the dead.” OR “Now that,” he said, “is a big sumbitch.” {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:13 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Favorite moment: When throwing 39 cents in the air became a winning strategy. {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:14 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Criticism: Some of your sentences tripped themselves up. (Here’s where Chet’s line edits would help.) {Reactions} 👍 (4) [8/31/2026 7:14 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 General feedback: This story has good bones. I liked learning about dragon training as part of Uncle Ernest’s story. And Terry is growing on me. [8/31/2026 7:14 PM] lauriemacnorcal_28850 Question: Is your protagonist named after Terry Pratchett? DONE {Reactions} 🤔 [8/31/2026 7:14 PM] starcryst @Carl Price GO! [8/31/2026 7:14 PM] somedesertrat So, I know that this is tied in with Goblin Bistro, but I'm looking at Errant Apprentice with reasonably fresh eyes. The characters all have distinctive and distinguishable voices and, after the prophetic dream sequence (what fantasy would there be without one?) we're dumped right into a living world that already feels lived in. {Reactions} 👍 (4) ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:15 PM] kotaotan He's named after someone I couldn't stand because I refuse to lose a name to that man, but I ADORE Pratchett. {Reactions} 👍 [8/31/2026 7:15 PM] somedesertrat Fave Scene: Dragon/Tractor love. I've read plenty of late-90s/early 00s fantasy fics on the internet and this brought me back to those years. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:15 PM] somedesertrat Excited Dragon Bounce. I can picture this perfectly because I have a dragon that acts like an excited Retriever at times. {Reactions} ❤️ 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:15 PM] somedesertrat I have a feeling that these two scenes will show up frequently as the faves. But ultimately “The dragon was now raking its claws along the side of the destroyed farm equipment, in the manner of dragons,” wins because it lets me picture the dragon how I want to picture the dragon. Maybe it's making biscuits like a cat, or maybe it's just giving side massages. [8/31/2026 7:15 PM] somedesertrat Constructive Criticism: This is just a nitpick thing, but The Mercy could be described a little better, not to CAD levels of detail (you ain't writin' gun porn), but at least enough to give a more clear idea of it's appearance. Based on what little description we have (kicks like a mule, fires a large caliber round) it could be a revolver, could be a semi-auto... could even be the infamous Obrez (chopped down Mosin-Nagant rifle). As it is though, we know what hwe need to know- it's a shoulder-wrecking handcannon from hell itself. That can't punch through dragon scales. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 👍 (4) 🤣 (4) [8/31/2026 7:15 PM] somedesertrat DONE-ZO {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:16 PM] starcryst @Josi Sofer GO! [8/31/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer Favorite Scene: The dragon fight. The banter scene with getting ready was better written, but I like me a fantasy fight. {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer The idea of taking a pickup truck to fight a dragon screwing a tractor just tickled me pink. {Reactions} 😂 (3) ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:16 PM] josisofer Favorite Lines: "Terry looked to the field and saw that it was indeed a huge, red dragon. Head to rump, the thing actually was the size of a school bus, all of forty feet. The tail added another ten on top of that. He (and it was now obviously he) was also vigorously going to town on the remains of a red tractor like he was the last of his species." {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:17 PM] josisofer I love the idea of a dragon mounting a tractor. You’re really pushing Rule 34 a bit far. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:17 PM] josisofer But the reason I liked it is more that the narration sounds a bit folksy, and I really like that here. @Her Majesty of Ink and Exits toe-dipped into my point, which is to pick a lane. More on this in my final question. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer Criticism: I’m gonna agree with @Joshua Bader that the dream sequence signals portal or Isekai, or even haunted MC. We aren’t given any of those things. Maybe relocate this to a different chapter where it can hit hard. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer I wanted a little bit more from the fight. It’s very linear. Let them both take some damage back and forth before Terry wins. Even better if the dragon remounts the tractor after he knocks Terry into a ditch. Let the dragon be a real man and die thinking with his dong. {Reactions} 🤣 (5) ❤️ 👆 [8/31/2026 7:18 PM] josisofer “You picked the wrong tractor to have your way with, wyrm!” ←-- Suggested for your potential use, use or discard as desired {Reactions} 🔥 (3) 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer Positive Critique: Can’t tell yet what kind of Fantasy you’re going for. but I like it. {Reactions} 👍 [8/31/2026 7:19 PM] somedesertrat -# "It's a tractor, not a plow." {Reactions} 🤣 (7) ❤️ (3) micdrop [8/31/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer Question: I started singing a modified Dukes of Hazzard theme song in your comments, are you going to pick up on that vibe or is it mine? Because you’re so close to having a down-home narrator telling this fantasy like a big fish story, which would be a great and lovable twist on the genre. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:19 PM] josisofer DONE [8/31/2026 7:19 PM] starcryst @Eris Index GO! [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex WC-Fav lines: some fantastical lines below. [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex “Holy Moley,” Terry breathed, his jaw dropping. (Extra awesome for bringing this guy to life.) {Reactions} ❤️ 🤣 [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 (But it's getting plowed so...) {Reactions} 🤣 (3) 💯 (2) [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex “Can it at least wait till breakfast? I’ve been on hobgoblin patrol for days.” he shouted. (I giggled. The normalcy of not wanting to wake up, wait til after breakfast— and suddenly hobgoblin. It works 💪) {Reactions} ❤️ 🤣 [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] kotaotan There's a bit of it, but it's mostly the modern world with a back woods guy stumbling into it. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] erisindex “The Knight’s Last Resort,” it was often called. (Very pretty prose for something brutal, lol) {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:20 PM] josisofer Commit to the bit and I think you have gold. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex Fav Scenes: Terry knocked on a small sigil on his left breast three times and activated the minor enchantments. His skin cooled instantly, and the stifling discomfort of the plate vanished. The enchantments still worked. {Reactions} 👍 [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex Also, the scene where they talk about the dragon eating his cattle like a box of chocolates and humping... sorry, mating his tractor. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex And the scenes where the dragon throws its head back and screams and something about its neck/head crashing like a log. These were so fun to imagine. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] aiden_marquis I do *love* this idea, @Kevin Prime . {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex Crit: ‘No need for a recharge, for now. He quickly threw over his tabard and slid his jeans over the armor. Ernest held out Terry’s duster.’<-- What kind of armor can you put pants over? When you say armor, I'm thinking big, bulky, etc. And I'm not sure you can slide some jeans over that. I would specify so ignorant readers like me don't get confused. One more: the part where they are in the truck and then we start getting info about the last dragon, being a squire, his father. It felt like a bit too much information. That's when I really felt the writer's hand, and I didn't prior to that section. Maybe spread it out. {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] somedesertrat -# plowing the tractor {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/31/2026 7:21 PM] erisindex Overall, I really loved this. The characters are excellent, and the story is so fun. The dragon humping the tractor? I needed a good laugh. {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:22 PM] erisindex Question: Where did the idea come from to make a dragon mate with farm equipment? DONE. {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:22 PM] starcryst @Alex GO! [8/31/2026 7:22 PM] bluesky8_ Favorite lines: He stood on the edge of a high bluff under a clear blue sky, overlooking a massive valley. It was filled for as the eye could see with one thing: kudzu. There was a light breeze that ruffled his coal-black hair. The waves seemed to start breaking around a shape, far out in the sea of vines. Favorite scene: I am obsessed with the invasive kudzu, so the kudzu monster speaking in Terry's dream made me squeal in delight! I loved the monster showing up. It made my kudzu-fearing, loving heart so happy! When the dragon was going to town on the tractor. That was unlike anything I've ever read before coming from a dragon LOL {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:22 PM] kotaotan I needed a better reason for it to be in the field than eating cows and I watched a video of Komodo dragons mating and "ok, but what if a tractor" came to me. 😄 {Reactions} 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:22 PM] bluesky8_ When Terry finally beat the dragon!! I was cheering him on too because I imagined all the times I beat a dragon in Skyrim yelling "I DID IT! I beat the dragon!" Love Terry's joy. Also the ending of the chapter, ended on a foreboding note and I loved that. Criticism: Only a few things. Since I'm only familiar with the Southernmost part of Mississippi, I would love to know more about what part of the state Terry and his crew live in. I'm assuming North but I might be wrong. Grounding in more details might help to explain more about where he's at cause South Mississippi doesn't have valleys or anything. Though I absolutely loved the details in the first part of the chapter, there could have been more cultural grounding for the reader especially in the middle parts. I love the green kudzu monster dream, but I'm not sure how it fits in the chapter as a whole. I wonder if it could be in another part? I was mildly disappointed that my favorite monster was only a dream. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:22 PM] josisofer "One day, Kevin drove on by the local John Deere... and well, that's all it took..." {Reactions} 🤣 (5) [8/31/2026 7:23 PM] bluesky8_ Question: What inspired you to write this? I love the South and mixing this kind of fantasy with it is so unique! I absolutely loved this chapter and I hope you find my feedback helpful. DONE {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst Okay did I miss anyone? [8/31/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst If you are new here and shy, COME ON DOWN [8/31/2026 7:23 PM] starcryst I'll do my feedback and you can raise your hand in the interim. [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] josisofer @Alex was that your first critique here in WRITE CLUB? {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst Favorite Line(s): A pistol in name only, it fired huge caliber shells and kicked like a mule. It was a two-hander at the best of times. At the worst, it was a three-handed weapon. It often dislocated shoulders. “The Knight’s Last Resort,” it was often called. <<< I loved this -- great description {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🤣 (3) [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] bluesky8_ No I did one on Saturday I think you might've not been on that day {Reactions} 👍 [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst “Damned thing ‘mated’ his tractor into the ground and pushed it all around the field. After that it started eatin’ his cattle like a box of chocolates.” <<< He's checking to see which cows are ripe? (Great line - super quotable.) {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 🤣 (2) [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] kotaotan It was going to be a webcomic shared universe but I can't draw any more. The inspiration was an XTC song called "Green Man". {Reactions} ❤️ (5) [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst but also [8/31/2026 7:24 PM] starcryst I need to see a line like "The dragon was down there plowing the tractor." {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ [8/31/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst with apologies to @Carl Price {Reactions} 👍 (4) 🤣 (5) [8/31/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst (and it was now obviously he) <<< subtle humor {Reactions} 🤣 (4) ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:25 PM] starcryst He was skinny, but the kind of skinny you’d get after having rapidly lost weight. <<< this is a great character line. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst I'd like to see more of this -- you have a great way of describing people and objects and monsters that is VERY funny and visually interesting {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst “Holy Father, I thank you for this…” “DO THAT LATER!” Ernest yelled. “CUT OFF THE HEAD, AND LET’S GET TO TOWN!” {Reactions} 🤣 (4) [8/31/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst Ernest needs a beer? [8/31/2026 7:26 PM] kotaotan That's funny because RIGHT at the front of chapter 2... {Reactions} 🤣 (2) ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst Anyway you also do a great job of destroying fantasy tropes. {Reactions} 💯 (3) ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:26 PM] starcryst Critique: In one four sentence sequence (the kudzu) you use the words eternity, massive, unknowable and infinite. I'd like to see you show these things in prose instead of using superlatives. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) 👍 (2) [8/31/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst Also - I didn't like the dream sequence here at all. I wanted to get into the action of the story quicker. {Reactions} ❤️ (3) [8/31/2026 7:27 PM] starcryst His Uncle Ernest had always said that Terry was a bright boy, but never very imaginative. Terry did learn quickly, never made the same mistake twice, and could think far quicker than most, but he didn’t daydream often. <<< he is Terry? Unless he's referring to himself in the 3rd person, replace Terry with "he" since we are in his POV. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst General: Very Terry Pratchett, very funny. Great read. Thank you. {Reactions} ❤️ (4) [8/31/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst DONE [8/31/2026 7:28 PM] starcryst ANYONE ELSE wanna go? [8/31/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst https://klipy.com/gifs/alrighty-then-jim-carrey-2 {Embed} https://klipy.com/gifs/alrighty-then-jim-carrey-2 Jim Carrey's Iconic 'Alrighty Then' Moment https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/deQ_MvwKL3PY_m7MbVWT3WiapAn6m2AoqI94PxkEwAI/https/static.klipy.com/ii/d7aec6f6f171607374b2065c836f92f4/7f/f9/NXPta24q.webp [8/31/2026 7:29 PM] starcryst @Kevin Prime Last words before we head to the bar? [8/31/2026 7:30 PM] kotaotan Guys, thank you ALL for this! I've made some notes about all of your thoughts. The dream thing has been something I was concerned with as well. BUT THANK YOU ALL! I'm really glad you enjoyed it! {Reactions} ❤️ (6) [8/31/2026 7:30 PM] hermajestyofinkandexits_50376 @David T Etheredge - Inference you are too much 😂 {Reactions} 🤣 [8/31/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst Thank you all for sharing of your most precious resource, your time! {Reactions} ❤️ (2) [8/31/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst Now its off to the #write-club-after-party-july-through-sept-2026 for 2d drinks, 3d people and 4d shameless self promotion! [8/31/2026 7:31 PM] starcryst I'm so glad you came back! I smile every time I see bunny! {Reactions} ❤️ [8/31/2026 9:15 PM] chet_sandberg I'm late because I worked right until 5 pm my time (an hour too late). [8/31/2026 9:16 PM] chet_sandberg You opened with a dream/wake up. There are reasons no one does this anymore. [8/31/2026 9:16 PM] kotaotan I'm still lurking around until the wee hours. {Reactions} 🔥 [8/31/2026 9:16 PM] chet_sandberg Instead of giving you elaborate advice, I'd like to recommend some homework. [8/31/2026 9:17 PM] chet_sandberg Read a RECENT exemplar of your genre (this is some urban/modern stuff with dragons, so you have a lot to choose from). [8/31/2026 9:18 PM] chet_sandberg Pay very close attention to how they start a story and compare it to how you've begun your story. Watch for filtering, for passive voice, for word overuse ("really," "just," there are others). Avoid "seems." Try to think about sentence length so you don't have entire paragraphs of 5-7 word sentences (this become second nature after a while). [8/31/2026 9:20 PM] chet_sandberg Don't info dump about your character for several paragraphs without introducing a real character with some sort of problem. Doesn't have to be primary problem, but it should be something that makes the reader NEED to know that happened next. To do that, you need to UNDER-explain your world. It's fantasy, so I'm not going to tell you to entirely avoid worldbuilding, but build you world from your character, his/her problem, and then flesh out the world once the reader cares about your character and his or her problem. {Reactions} 🔥 (2) ❤️ [8/31/2026 9:20 PM] chet_sandberg DONE [8/31/2026 9:21 PM] chet_sandberg (I meant, don't dump backstory up front.) [8/31/2026 9:25 PM] chet_sandberg Oh, forgot the good stuff! The image of the dragon humping the tractor was awesome. So was the coin toss and final blow. Epic action, didn't over-explain. {Reactions} 🤣 ❤️ [8/31/2026 9:27 PM] chet_sandberg By the end of the chapter, I cared about your character enough to click "next chapter," but later than I'd ideally like to see in a first chapter. I don't know him at all because he has no voice in the narrative. It's very "then this happened, and then this, and then this"—a series of events. {Reactions} 💯 ❤️ [8/31/2026 9:27 PM] chet_sandberg A story needs to be so much more than a series of events. [8/31/2026 9:34 PM] chet_sandberg The half-cows, also! {Reactions} 🤣 (3) ============================================================== Exported 178 message(s) ==============================================================